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Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane

Transcribed by: Jean Liew (tag scene by Marita Bakken)

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[Scene: The wedding hall (or wherever). Monica, Chandler and Ross are having their pictures taken.]

Photographer: Great! (snap) Great. Just give me a second to change film.

Monica: Ok.

Ross: Ok, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do and I am so excited for you.

Joey: What’s going on?

Ross: (excited) Monica’s pregnant!

Joey: (shocked) Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?

Monica: Guys, I’m not pregnant.

Joey: Oh. Slow swimmers?

Ross: What?! What do you mean? You’re, you’re, you’re not pregnant?!

Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was, did you?!

Ross: No...I’ll be right back.

(He leaves.)

Photographer: Now why don’t we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.

Monica: Oh. About that - Joey, you have to change clothes.

Joey: I can’t! I, I don’t have any other clothes here!

Monica: Then find some! Anything that does say I Died Tragically in France!

(Joey leaves.)

Photographer: Well, then, why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridesmaids.

Phoebe: Ok. (she and Rachel join Monica) Hey, Mon, why’d you tell the guys that you weren’t pregnant?

Monica: Because I’m not.

Phoebe: We found your test in the trash. If you’re not pregnant (sees Rachel’s face and realizes), it’s because I am.

Chandler: Whoa, what are you talking about?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Yes, I, I am with child. And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day. I didn’t want to steal your thunder.

Monica: Wait a minute, so you told people I was pregnant?! (the photographer takes a picture) Does this look like a conversation I want to remember?!

Chandler: Who’s the father?

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: I can’t say.

Monica: Why?!

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: I can’t say, because he’s famous.

Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?

Monica: Phoebe, come on! You have to tell us!

Phoebe: Oh, ok. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.

Chandler: As in Babra Streisand’s husband James Brolin.

Phoebe: What?!!! Well, he never said that to me!

[Opening credits: NYC skyline with the logo. Rachel, first scene, TOW Monica and Chandler’s Wedding. Rachel, ???. Fountain. Monica, talking about the wedding shower, TOW Ross and Monica’s Cousin. Monica, asking to be slapped, TOW Joey’s New Brain. Fountain. Phoebe, staring at Cassie, TOW Ross and Monica’s Cousin. Phoebe, laughing, TOW Monica and Chandler’s Wedding. Fountain. Chandler, falling backwards off Rosita. Rachel, freaking out over “Ross” falling off the stairs. Ross hi-yahing Chandler. Monica running out of her room and falling. Joey, explaining the miracle, TOW Rosita Dies. Joey, as the “ministainer”, TOW Rachel’s Big Kiss. Fountain. Chandler, ???. Chandler, discussing his Dad, TOW Chandler’s Dad. Fountain. Ross, TOW Monica and Chandler’s Wedding. Ross, playing the bagpipes, TOW Joey’s New Brain. Fountain. The guys laughing over Chandler’s vows. Rachel and Phoebe kissing. Chandler and Monica kissing (their wedding).]

[Scene: Wedding hall. They’re still taking pictures.]

Photographer: Uh, Monica, if you’d step away, we’ll get Chandler and the bridesmaids.

(She moves out of the way.)

Phoebe: How about just the bridesmaids?

Chandler: You know, I‘m the groom. I was told it was a big deal.

(He moves out of the way also.)

Phoebe: Oh my God.

Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet.

Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant?

Rachel: You said she was. I just didn’t disagree with you.

Phoebe: Sneaky.

Rachel: Yeah.

Photographer: Smile, ladies.

Rachel: Oh! (snap) Oh, by the way, James Brolin?

Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh, y’know, I could only think of two names: him and Ed Beagley Jr. And then, I remembered he’s gay, so -

Rachel: Ed Beagley Jr. is not gay.

Phoebe: Really?

(Their picture is taken and it pauses a bit on the picture.)

[Scene: The reception. People are dancing the song ends. Applause.]

Band guy: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!

(Applause as Chandler and Monica enter.)

Chandler: When we go up there, I’ve got a present for ya.

Monica: Honey, I’m not gonna put my hand in your pocket!

Chandler: No, I’ve been taking dancing lessons.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, for the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment we’d never forget!

Monica: Oh, that’s so sweet!

Chandler: So, would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?

Monica: Yes.

Chandler: Ok.

(They go on the dance floor and Chandler slips.)

Monica: What’s the matter?

Chandler: I don’t know. It’s these new shoes. They’re all slippery.

Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this?

Chandler: Not well.

(They start dancing, but Chandler can barely stand up.)

Monica: Well, the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s looking at us.

(Cut to Rachel and Phoebe at a table.)

Phoebe: So are you ready to talk about it?

Rachel: No.

(Two seconds pass.)

Phoebe: Now?

Rachel: No!

Phoebe: Ok, we’ll talk about something else then... Who’s the father?

Rachel: Uh! Uh, honey, y’know what, I havent’ told him yet, so until I do, I don’t think I should tell anyone else.

Phoebe: Yeah. That’s fine. That’s fair... Is it Tag?

Rachel: Oh! Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Ok. I’m sorry. I’ll stop... Is it Ross?

Rachel: Uh!

Phoebe: It’s Ross, isn’t it? Oh my God, it’s Joey!

Rachel: Honey, stop it. I am not going to tell you until I tell him.

Phoebe: A ha! At least we know it’s a him.

(Cut to Joey, entering wearing white tennis clothes, including a sweater tied around his neck.)

Monica: Oh sweet Lord.

Joey: I’m sorry, ok? I went down to the gift shop and it was either this or a bathrobe. Look, what’s more important? The way I’m dressed or me being there for you on your special day?

Monica: Honey, I’m not even going to pretend I was listening. (walks off) Hey! Hey!

(Cut to Ross going to talk to a woman at a table with some cards - she’s looking for her table number.)

Ross: Hi. Uh, I’m, I’m Ross. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Monica’s older brother.

Mona: Oh, hi. I’m, I’m Mona from her restaurant.

Ross: Uh, hello, (he pretends the card is a bird beak and puts on a weird voice) Mona from her restaurant. (she stares at him) Mona! Well, what a, what a beautiful name!

Mona: You think so? I always kinda hated it.

Ross: Come on! Mona Lisa!

Mona: Uh-huh.

Ross: Mona...Kleclechen? The famous botanist? Huh? Oh, no, she’s, uh, she’s dead now, but supposedly she was the hottie of the, of the plant world.

Mona: Really?

Ross: Huh.

Mona: See, I never knew about her.

Ross: (thinks) Linda Kleclechen... So what, uh, what table are you at? (she shows him her card) Oh! Uh, me too!

Mona: Good! Now there’ll be someone there who likes my name.

Ross: Yes...there will... (she walks off and Ross picks up a card to change the table number) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert! You’ve just been bumped up to table 1! And if it’s all right with you, I’m gonna take your place at table 6. (changes his) (realizes) Martin Kleclechen!

(Cut to Joey “teaching” a woman how to play tennis. He’s got his arms around her.)

Joey: Now, now, now, just bend your arms a little more. There you go! Ok, look straight ahead. Now this time, I want you to put your ass into it!

(He helps her swing.)

(Cut to Nora walking up to Chandler with some guy.)

Nora: Chandler, darling! Look, my date has finally arrived.

Chandler: Hello.

Nora: I’d like you to meet Dennis Phillips.

Dennis: Congratulations.

(They shake hands.)

Chandler: Thank you.

Nora: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover!

Chandler: Bravo, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.

Dennis: Oh! I’m so sorry I missed the ceremony. I was stuck at my auditions.

Nora: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.

(Joey pushes his way up to them.)

Joey: I don’t believe we’ve met. Joey Tribbiani.

Dennis: Dennis Phillips.

Joey: Oh, I’ve admired your work for years. You’ve done some really amazing stuff!

Dennis: Oh thank you. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going to get myself a drink. I’ll be back in a moment.

(He leaves.)

Joey: Oh! Dennis Phillips! That’s great! How did you guys meet?

Nora: Oh, it’s a funny story.

Chandler: Funny ha-ha, or funny (pretends to have his brains blown out) ?

(Cut to the dance floor. Ross and Judy, and Monica and Jack are finishing a dance. Applause.)

Band guy: Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, if everyone would please take their seats. Dinner is served.

(Ross looks for table 6 and sees that it’s the kids’ table. He walks up to Mona.)

Ross: Hey, uh, I thought, I thought you were at table 6.

Mona: Uh, no, 9.

(She holds up her card.)

Ross: Oh. (laughs) See, before, you held it that way, which was, which was misleading. Well, I - (he points to the kids’ table and sits down) Hello...

(They all stare at him and a little boy shakes his head.)

(Cut to the hallway. Chandler is putting tape on the soles of his shoes. Joey enters.)

Joey: Chandler, will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? Cause if I can get into a Broadway show, then I would’ve done it all! Film, television, and theatre! The only thing left is radio and that’s just for ugly people!

Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?

Joey: Uh, 11...11 and a half...

Chandler: Great. Cause my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor. Could I borrow the boots from your costume?

Joey: I don’t even know where I left them...but...so...

(He looks the other way uncomfortably. Chandler looks at his shoes.)

Chandler: Those aren’t 11!

Joey: Ok fine! I’m a 7! I have surprisingly small feet! But the rest of me is good! I’ll show you!!!

(Cut to Monica and Rachel at a table.)

Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?

Rachel: You know what, honey, let’s not talk about that right now.

Monica: This is so huge!

Rachel: Sure, come on, but as big as your wedding?

Monica: Of course not! Nothing is!

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Wow. Between me and you -

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: ...in this day and age, how dumb you have to be to get pregnant!

Rachel: Hey! Sometimes you can do everything right and everyone wears everything they’re supposed to wear and one of those guys just gets through!!

Monica: How?!

Rachel: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools.

Monica: Well, I, I talked to her and she’s definitely going to have this baby. She’s gonna raise it on her own.

Rachel: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave.

Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be!

(Rachel thinks about that looks like she’s about to cry.)

Rachel: Maybe she hasn’t thought it through that much.

Monica: Well, there’s a lot to think about! I mean, how’s she, how’s she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? How, uh, does she realize she’s not going to have another date in the next...18 years?!

(Rachel’s biting her nail and trying to hold back tears.)

Rachel: I don’t know!

Monica: Are you ok?

Rachel: Um-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe. Poor, knocked up Phoebe.

Waiter: Champagne?

Rachel: Oh yes, thank you very much! (she quickly takes a sip before she remembers. She turns around and spits it back into the glass. Monica gives her a strange look) Oh, it’s, it’s, that, that, that’s actually how the French drink it.

(Monica realizes and points at her with her mouth open in surprise.)

[Scene: The reception. Phoebe joins Rachel and Monica at the table.]

Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin.

Monica: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yes and he is married to some singer but he said he’d leave her for me. And I said, “James, James Brolin, are you sure?” James Brolin said -

Monica: Rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant?

Phoebe: What?!!!... Why bother?

Rachel: God...

Monica: How do you feel?

Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. It’s all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make! (she takes another sip of the champagne and immediately spits it back out) Ooh! Somebody just take this away from me!

(She hands it to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Calm down! Maybe you’re not pregnant!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.

Monica: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive! Are you sure you peed on the stick right?

Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

Phoebe: I, I’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re 100% sure.

Rachel: All, all right. I’ll take it again when I get home.

Monica: You, you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present for me.

Rachel: Oh ok.

Monica: Thank you.

Phoebe: I’ll run out and get one.

Rachel: Great.

Monica: Oh wait a minute! Who’s the father?

Phoebe: Oh no, she won’t tell us.

Monica: C‘mon, it’s my wedding! That can be my present!

Rachel: Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick!

Phoebe: See, this is why you register.

(She leaves.)

(Camera pans to table 6. Ross reaches for something and the chair makes a noise. All the kids laugh.)

Ross: It was the chair again! Ok? I’m not doing it!! Look, I don’t - y’know what - (he gets up and goes to Mona’s table) Hi.

Mona: Hi.

Ross: Um, would you like to dance?

Mona: Sure! Yeah.

Ross: Great.

(A little girl, Melinda, comes up to Ross.)

Melinda: Dr. Geller?

Ross: I wasn’t farting!!! (to Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (to Melinda) Yes?

Melinda: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?

Ross: Oh! Uh... Well, uh, well, maybe, maybe later. Right now, I was about to dance with this lady.

Melinda: (disappointed) Ok.

Mona: Ohh...

Ross: Unless, unless, this lady wouldn’t mind letting you go first.

Mona: I’d be happy to. You are very sweet!

Ross: Oh... (laughs) Yes, yes I am. In fact, um, hey, why don’t we try my special way and you can dance on my feet.

Melinda: Sure!

Ross: Yeah, hop on. (they start dancing) Is the pretty lady looking?

Melinda: Uh-huh!

Ross: Keep dancing!

(Cut to the hallway. Chandler is pretending to dance with Monica.)

Chandler: And the world will never know.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey, did you talk to Dennis about me yet?

Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days of Our Lives.

Joey: No, no, no! You don’t tell a Broadway guy that! Now he thinks I’m just a soap actor!

Chandler: But you’re not just a soap actor! You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet!

Joey: Hey!

(He runs out.)

(Cut to the dance floor. The song ends. Applause.)

Melinda: Thank you.

Ross: No, no, thank you, Miranda.

Melinda: Melinda!

Ross: All right.

(He goes to Mona’s table.)

Mona: How cute was that!

Ross: Oh, oh, were you, were you watching?

(Another little girl, Ashley, comes up to him.)

Ashley: Can I go next?

Ross: Oh, of course you can! Hop on!

(They start dancing.)

Mona: Oh, but I get to hop on after her.

Ross: I am so gonna score!

Ashley: What?

Ross: I like your bow!

(Cut to Joey at the microphone, tapping his spoon against his glass.)

Joey: Excuse me. I would like to propose a toast to Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, when I first found out they were getting married, I was, I was a little angry. I was like (yells) why God why?!! How could you take them away from me?!!! But then I thought back over all our memories together. Some happy memories. (laughs “happily”) Then, then, there were some sad memories. (pretends to cry) I’m sorry! (sniffs) And, and some scared memories. Op!! (jumps back) Huh? And then, and then I realized I’d always be their friend. Their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (about to sit down) Op! To the happy couple!

(Cut to the dance floor. The song ends. Applause.)

Ross: Thank you. That was very nice, Ashley.

Ashley: Can we do it again?

Ross: No. No.

(He goes to Mona’s table.)

Mona: So, is it my turn now?

(Another girl walks up to them. She’s a lot bigger than Ashley and Melinda.)

Girt: I’m next.

Ross: Oh!!

Mona: Uh, that’s ok! You can dance with her first.

Ross: Oh, are you sure? Ok. Ok, what’s, uh, what’s your name?

Girt: Girt.

Ross: That’s, that’s pretty. (she starts to stand on his feet but he backs off) Whoa, what are you, what are you doing there, Girt?

Girt: Dancing on your feet, like the other girls did it.

Ross: Ok... Hop on, Girt!

(She does and Ross is in a lot of pain.)

Girt: Why aren’t you moving your feet?

Ross: I’m trying!

Girt: Faster! You’re not going fast enough!

Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet!!!

(Cut to Dennis’s table. Joey goes up to him and sits down.)

Joey: So, did you, uh, happen to catch my toast up there?

Dennis: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?!

Joey: Well, I like to think of it as a little something for everyone. I want you to cast me for your show.

Dennis: Joey, look, I don’t think you’re quite right for this project.

Joey: That’s where you’re wrong! Whatever it is, I can do it! If you didn’t see it up there, I can just, just try.

Dennis: It’s an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?

Joey: Well, I’m not proud of this but -

(He turns around to make his eyes slanted (!) )

Dennis: Oh my God, no, no, no, don’t, please, don’t!!

(Cut to the other side of the room. Chandler and Monica enter.)

Monica: Are you ready to get back on the dance floor?

Chandler: Did it turn into sand?

Monica: Oh come on! I love this song! Come on, you’ll be fine!

Chandler: No! No! Do you know why I took all those lessons? So for the first time, you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.

Monica: Oh sweetie! You could never embarrass me!...Ok, you could easily embarrass me! But come on! It doesn’t matter! I married you! I’m going to dance with my husband on my wedding night. Come on! (they go on the dance floor) Just try not to move your feet at all.

Chandler: Oh.

(Chandler dances by just moving his arms.)

Monica: There you go!

Jack: Chandler, I’m going to have you arrested!

Chandler: Why?

Jack: You stole my moves!

(He dances with Chandler.)

(Scene: The ladies’ room. Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the results. Rachel is pacing.)

Rachel: How much longer?

Phoebe: Thirty seconds.

Rachel: Thirty seconds, ok.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Did I miss it? Rachel, I want you to know, that if it’s positive, we’re all -

Rachel: Oh, I know. I know.

Monica: You do...

Rachel: Ok...

Phoebe: It’s time!

Rachel: Oh my -

(A woman enters.)

All: NO!!!!

(She backs out.)

Monica: Go ahead, Rach.

(She goes to look but can’t do it.)

Rachel: Oh, wait, y’know what, I can’t, I can’t look at it! I can’t look at it! Somebody else tell me. Somebody else tell me.

Phoebe: Ok. (looks at it) It’s negative.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: It’s negative.

(Rachel tries to hide the fact she’s upset.)

Rachel: Oh. Oh. (pretends to be happy) Well there you go! Phew! That is, that is great. That is really great. You know, cause of the whole not being ready and the financial aspects - all that. (starts to cry) Well, this was all just the way it was supposed to be.

Monica: Well, then, great.

Rachel: It’s - God, I’m so stupid! How can I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative.

Phoebe: No, it’s positive.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: No, it’s not negative, it’s positive.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Well yeah. I lied before.

(She hands her the test.)

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: My God!

Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it!

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, that is a risky little game!

Monica: Are you really gonna do this?

Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby!

Monica: Oh...

Rachel: I’m gonna have a baby!!!

(They hug.)

Phoebe: With who?

Rachel: Oh, it’s still not the time!

(They hug again.)

(Fade to black with these words:

New York City )

[Scene: The reception. Joey is holding up Ross.]

Ross: I just didn't see the fast song coming.

Joey: Shhh.. Don't try to talk. We'll get you up to your room, we'll soak your feet, it'll be okay.

Ross: Oh, thank you.

Mona: That is so sweet.

Joey: Yeah.

Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.

Joey: Tell me about it. I feel like I'm holding down four all by myself!

Mona: It's Joey, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Wait a minute! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! - How small are your feet?!

(Ross and Mona stare at Joey's feet.)

End