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Written by: Dana Klein Borkow

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: The hotel lobby. Phoebe and Rachel are checking out.]

Rachel: Listen, uh, sir, I don’t care what the computer says. We did not take a bag of Masuganuts [?] from the mini bar and we did not watch (grabs the bill) Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Joey, were you in our room last night?

Joey: No. (Phoebe shows him the bill and he gets a Joey-look on his face) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill.

(Chandler and Monica enter.)

Chandler: Hi, we’re checking out of the bridal suite.

Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’m never gonna be a bride again. Now I’m just someone’s wife.

Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world. (Monica sits down and Chandler follows her) Oh come on, honey, don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to.

Monica: Oh yeah right.

Chandler: We have the honeymoon.

Monica: Oh, that’s not ‘til Thursday.

Chandler: The wedding pictures.

Monica: Those won’t be ready for four weeks!

Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.

Monica: That’s true! I know I married you for a reason!

(They kiss.)

Chandler: All right, I’ll tell you what, I’ll go get them developed and you can go home.

Monica: Ok.

(Joey starts giggling about something dirty.)

Chandler: What? What’d you take a picture of?

Joey: Nothin’! (starts giggling again) It was so good!

Chandler: Ross has the cameras. Has he checked out yet?

Rachel: Are you kidding? Checkout is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks watch) eleven minutes left!

Joey: So?

Monica: So Ross has never had to check out of a room a minute before he had to.

Rachel: One time, when we were dating, we had a late checkout and he got so excited. It was the best sex we ever had! Until, y’know, he screamed out “Radisson” at the end.

Chandler: Ok, I’m going to get Ross, get the cameras and get them developed. (Joey starts giggling again) You’re 32, Joey, you’re 32!!

(He walks off.)

Receptionist: Here’s a copy of your bill.

(He hands it to Monica and she reads it.)

Monica: Oh, thanks. Champagne...strawberries...Oh my God! I cannot believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!!

Joey: Yeah, that’s sad! Masuganut?

(He offers the bag to Monica.)

[Scene: Ross’ hotel room. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Chandler and he enters. Ross goes back to packing.]

Chandler: Hey. (sees the stuff) Soaps, shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?

Ross: I’m not, it, it’s built into the price of the room.

Chandler: Yeah, but, you don’t need (picks up something) - what is this?

Ross: Thread!

(He takes it back.)

Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?

Ross: What disposable cameras?

Chandler: The cameras! Remember, last night, I told you to take them?

Ross: No, you didn’t.

Chandler: Yes, remember? Right before we cut the cake. I went up to you and then I said -

Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah. You came up to me and asked me if I could do you a favor and then my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you the check. And then you said “Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavia?” (Chandler laughs) Yeah, then you did that.

Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?

Ross: No, sorry man.

Chandler: So what, what?! They’re gone?! Monica’s gonna freak!!

Ross: Oh, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll, I’ll help you look for them. Yeah, in, in three minutes.

(He goes back to packing and Chandler exits. He comes back in and Ross hands him a roll of toilet paper.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

(She’s sitting in front of a whole lot of wedding presents and is holding a tiny box wrapped in gold paper.)

Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?

Monica: Uh, no! I’m just...they’re, they’re calling out to me!! (holds up the box) I mean, this little guy, he even crawled up to my lap! Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?

Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it, you see yourself as an old woman.

(Monica opens it.)

Monica: A TINY SALT SHAKER!!!!

(She holds it up.)

Phoebe: Ohh my God, for tiny salt!

Monica: Oh, wow, that was fun!

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

Monica: This was fun. Ok, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open up the rest of them.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Although, y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I guess, y’know, it may just count as half a present. What do you think?

Phoebe: Well, I guess it’s ok to open on more if it’s part of a set. (picks up an identical box) Y’know, it’s probably this one.

Monica: Or this one!!

(She picks up a giant box and starts tearing at the wrapping paper. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi.

Monica: Hey, how are you feeling? Any morning sickness?

Rachel: Sshh! The guys don’t know yet, do they?

Monica: No, Ross and Joey don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks Phoebe’s pregnant.

Phoebe: That’s right, Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags... Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him! (Monica glares at her) After you of course!

Rachel: Don’t worry, I promise you only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, cause I’m going to tell the father today.

Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy on the first floor?

Rachel: No!

Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute.

Rachel: Then you have his baby.

Phoebe: Believe me, I’m trying.

Monica: Oh, this is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea this is gonna happen.

Rachel: Hm.

Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever! You’re like Ed McMahon, except without the big check. Or the raw sexual magnetism.

Rachel: Yeah. I don’t know, I guess. I guess it’s going to be pretty big news.

Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy has no clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, y’know, “I just had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!” Then BAM! he’s the father, everything’s different.

Rachel: Well, it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not going to ask him for anything.

Phoebe: He’s still got this huge decision to make. Then he’s walking down the street, thinking “Do I want to be a father?” and then BAM!

Monica: What “bam”?

Phoebe: I don’t know, he-he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hi. Hey, Joey, what would you do if someone who you slept with told you she was pregnant?

(Joey gets a weird look on his face.)

Joey: Who called here? Did she sound blonde? Huh? Did, did she have an accent? I gotta make a call. I should never have walked into that Sunglasses Hut!

(He’s about to leave.)

Rachel: Oh! Joey, no, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant!

Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (silence) Is somebody pregnant?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s me!

Joey: (surprised) Oh, oh my God, Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby?

Phoebe: Yes, yes, yes, I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby!!

(They hug.)

Joey: Wait, wait a minute! Who’s the father?

Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s nobody important. He doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.

(She puts her hand over her stomach before she sits down.)

Joey: Well, who is this guy?! Who is he?!! I will track him down and kick his ass!!

Phoebe: David Lynn.

Joey: David Lynn!! David Lynn! David Lynn!

(He leaves to do some ass-kicking.)

Monica: Who’s David Lynn?

Phoebe: Oh, some guy from my gym. Little annoying.

[Scene: The hotel’s ballroom. Ross enters. The tables are all set for another wedding reception.]

Ross: Chandler?

(Chandler peeks out from under a tablecloth.)

Chandler: Hey, did you find the cameras?

Ross: No, did you?

Chandler: Yes. That’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating.

Ross: Well, I checked in the, uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager and no one’s turned them in.

Chandler: Oh, this is just great. It was the only thing that was going to cheer Monica up today. She was really depressed.

Ross: Monica just got married. Why is she depressed?

Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question! I can’t believe I screwed this up!

Ross: I’m sorry, man! There’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s going to be plenty of dressed-up people.

Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?

Ross: No, no, no. I’m saying we, we buy a few more of these at the gift shop (holds up a camera), throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Ok? Do, do you really want to start your lives together by letting her down?

Chandler: Wedding advice? Really?

Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?

Chandler: I don’t know. Monica picked out the flowers.

Ross: What about the chairs?

Chandler: She picked those out too.

Ross: How about the place settings? (Chandler nods) What did you do?

Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras. Gift shop?

Ross: Um!

(They run to it.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Phoebe enters and sits beside her.]

Phoebe: Hey! Oh, did you do it yet?

Rachel: Not yet.

Phoebe: Oh, then what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? Is it Gunther?

Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther!

Phoebe: Thank God! Cause that hair on a baby...

Rachel: Phoebe, the father is not here, ok?! I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now.

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Well, I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street, thinking, “Oh, I’m gonna tell the father today” and BAM!

Phoebe: Bus?!

Rachel: No, you! Phoebe, you freak me out! You’re saying how huge this all is.

Phoebe: Well, but-but, it is huge.

Rachel: I know. But I was thinking how huge it was for me. I can’t even go to think how huge this is going to be for the father.

Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. I mean, just tell him. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band Aid! Quick and painless, watch. (rips it off) Oh, mother of - !!! See?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica has opened more presents and is trying on a shawl. Joey enters.]

Joey: Oh! Are we opening the presents?

(Monica throws off the shawl.)

Monica: No, no! I shouldn’t even have opened these! I mean, I even - Joey, I am out of control!!!! Do me a favor. No matter what I say or what I do, please, do not let me open another present, ok?

Joey: Ok.

Monica: Give me one more.

Joey: Ok.

(He hands her one. Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Oh, good, you’re here. Uh, listen, Pheebs, uh, (pulls out a chair) sit down. Uh, I, I go something I wanna say. (She sits down, holding her stomach) Uh, uh, uh, (holds her hand) It’s a scary world out there. Especially for a single mom. Oh, well, I always thought you and I had a special bond. So (gets down on one knee) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? (shows her the ring)

Monica: (sarcastically) Oh my God. Joey!

(Phoebe puts on the ring.)

Phoebe: (happy) Oh yeah, I’ll marry you!!

Monica: You can’t marry him!

Phoebe: Hey, lady, your day’s over. It’s my turn.

(She admires the ring.)

Monica: Phoebe!!

Joey: What, why, why can’t she marry me?!

Phoebe: I can and I will.

(She kisses Joey.)

Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant. Ok?

Joey: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey!!

Monica: Phoebe, I think he will notice when you don’t have a baby in nine months.

Phoebe: It’s Joey!

(She mouths something to him and he smiles.)

Joey: Then I can’t believe it! R-rachel’s pregnant?!

(Monica nods.)

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Who’s the father?

Phoebe: We don’t know.

Joey: Oh, I wonder if it’s that dude.

Monica: There’s a dude?!

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Who, who is it?

Joey: About a month ago, this guy spent the night with Rachel. I, I didn’t see who it was, but -

(He walks out the door and goes into his place.)

Phoebe: Was that story over?

(They go into the hall. Joey comes out with a red sweater.)

Joey: The guy left this.

(Phoebe takes it.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God, I know who the father is!!

(She goes back into Monica’s.)

Monica: People have got to finish their stories!

[Scene: A wedding reception. Ross and Chandler are there, all dressed up and taking pictures. A couple walks up to them.]

Chandler: Oh, excuse me, could you take a picture of us?

(He hands the camera to the woman.)

Woman: Oh! Of course, honey.

(She snaps a picture of them.)

Man: Uh, would you take one of us?

Chandler: Uh, yeah, sure. (pretends to take one) Click!

Woman: It didn’t click.

Ross: I heard it click. See, I heard it.

Man: But it didn’t flash.

Woman: Why won’t you take our picture?

Chandler: Oh yeah, I’ll take, I’ll take a picture.

(He takes one.)

Man: But your finger was covering the lens.

Chandler: Who are you, Ansel Adams?! [?] Get out of here!!!

[Close up on the Central Perk menu outside: Appearing today, noon. Neighbor Tim]

(Pan up to Phoebe and Rachel.)

Phoebe: Look, I feel real bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father to meet you here so you could tell him. Go!

Rachel: What?! Hey, wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won‘t quit. (takes the sweater out of her bag) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.

Rachel: Oh God! Oh, he’s in there right now?

Phoebe: Uh huh. You can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band Aid right off. What do you wanna do?

Rachel: Uh...Let’s rip!

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Uh, Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Ok, sorry, yeah.

(She opens the door and they enter Central Perk.)

Tag: Hey, Rach!

(Rachel stares at him.)

[Scene: The reception. Chandler and Ross are still taking pictures. Ross takes one of a plant and Chandler takes one of a fork.]

Chandler: All right. Why don’t you go up on the stage? I want to get a picture of you doing the speech.

Ross: Ok.

Chandler: Ok.

(Ross gets on the stage and poses. Chandler takes a picture. Everyone taps spoons on their glasses, expecting a toast.)

Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.

(He steps offstage.)

Man: That’s my car!

Ross: A ‘96 LeSabre?!

Man: Yes!

Ross: A green LeSabre?

Man: Yes!

Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.

Man: Yes! Green-blue!

Ross: Well, go! Go move it!

(The man leaves.)

Chandler: Ok, you ready for the last picture?

Ross: yeah.

Chandler: Ok. Get ready to run. (He goes up to the bride, whose hair and dress looks like Monica’s did) Congratulations on your wedding.

(He kisses her, Ross takes the picture and they run out.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Cont’d.]

Tag: So what’s this about?

(Phoebe pushes Rachel forward.)

Phoebe: Rachel has something she wants to tell you. And, uh, I believe this is your red sweater.

(She holds it up.)

Tag: No (unzips his jacket) this is my red sweater.

Phoebe: Ohhh no... Could I get anyone a coffee? Or poison? No? Just for me? Ok.

(She goes to the counter.)

Tag: What’s going on, Rach?

Rachel: Nothing. Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But you know, you do wear that sweater a lot. Are, are you involved in some kind of dare?

Tag: You know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls up a stool for her. She sits) I know we broke up because you think I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and I think we should get back together.

Rachel: Oh, it is just not the right time.

(Tag holds her hand.)

Tag: It is the right time.

Rachel: Oh, ok.

Tag: I’m ready for more.

Rachel: Tag...

Tag: C’mon, Rach, let’s give it another try.

Rachel: I’m having a baby.

(Tag lets go of her hand.)

Tag: Oh.

(Silence.)

Rachel: You can go.

Tag: Thank you.

(He quickly leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is still opening presents. Joey enters and Monica jumps up.]

Monica: I don’t know how any of these got opened!!

Joey: You opened them all?

Monica: I know, I know, I know, I’m a terrible person! I mean, Chandler’s never gonna trust me with anything ever again!

Joey: Oh, hey, you got my parents’ gift!

(He picks up a thing that looks like a metal rolling pin.)

Monica: What is that?

Joey: Yeah, I don’t know. I think it does something to salami.

(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)

Monica: Hey! How’d it, how’d it go?

Joey: Yeah, what did Tag say?

Rachel: Tag is not the father and Joey knows now?!

Joey: I do, Rach, I do and I am so happy for you.

(He hugs her.)

Rachel: Oh! Oh, wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra!

Monica: So are you ever going to tell whoever it is?

Rachel: Oh, I, I’m just not up for it tonight.

Joey: Hey, Rachel, listen, I want you to know, no matter what this guy says, you’re not going to be alone in this.

Rachel: I’m not?

Joey: No. Listen, I, uh (takes her hand and gets down on his knee) It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Well, I’ve always felt you and I had a special bond, y’know? So, Rachel Green, will you marry me?

Rachel: What?

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: (mad) WHAT?!!!

Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!

Phoebe: NO!!

Rachel: No, Joey, oh, you are so sweet, you are so, so sweet, honey, but I’m not looking for a husband!

(Joey gets up.)

Joey: I understand.

Rachel: Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go and lie down.

(She leaves.)

Phoebe: I can’t say that didn’t hurt, but I’ll take you back, Joey Tribbiani!

Joey: Uh, yeah, Phoebe, listen, about that -

(Phoebe sees the salami thing.)

Phoebe: Ooh a Salami Buddy!!

Joey: Yeah, there you go.

(They sit down and mess with it. Chandler and Ross enter.)

Chandler: We’re back!

Monica: Great! We’re hanging in the kitchen. (pushes him behind the table) Let’s stay in the kitchen.

Chandler: It’s picture time!

Ross: Now you are going to love these.

(Chandler shows Monica the pictures.)

Chandler: There’s a picture of Ross, and me, and that’s me and Ross. Aww, and there’s the picture of our first kiss as a married couple.

Monica: Oh, that is a great picture.

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: And really interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags.

(She hands a bag of disposable cameras to Chandler.)

Ross: Huh! Didn’t see that coming.

Chandler: Ok, so that isn’t a picture of our first kiss. But it’s a picture of my first kiss with, with this lady. (shows Monica, who’s really mad) Which, by the look on your face, I think you’ll remember, so we won’t this. This we won’t need. (rips it into four pieces) How about I take the real pictures (grabs the bag) and get them developed right now?

Monica: That’d be a great idea.

(Chandler sees the opened presents.)

Chandler: You opened all the presents without me? I thought we were supposed to do that together!

Monica: You kissed another woman?!

Chandler: Call it even?

Monica: (her classic) Ok!

(They high five and Chandler leaves.)

Ross: Well, I’m going to get these in a little water.

(He grabs a bouquet of roses.)

Phoebe: Wait, you stole those from these people’s wedding?

Ross: No, I took these from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for a bag of Masuganuts and a dirty movie, they got another thing comin’! (grabs the sweater) Hey, my sweater! (The audience cheers and Monica’s eyes go all big) I’ve been looking for this for like a month!

(He leaves.)

Monica / Phoebe: Oh my God!!

(A second passes and Joey realizes.)

Joey: Oh my God!!!!!!

[Scene: A street. Ross walks by Tag and they’re both wearing red sweaters.]

Ross: Hey, how’re you doing?

Tag: Good, good. Long time no see! I like your sweater.

Ross: Hey, right back at ya!

(They laugh.)

Tag: It’s crazy, about Rachel, huh?

Ross: Well, she’s one crazy lady.

Tag: So, whose is it?

Ross: Oh, I don’t know. (pulls up the tag of his sweater) Some Italian guy. or something. Come on, read your own label! See ya later!

Tag: Bye!

Ross: He is so weird...

NBC Announcer: Next Thursday, see how Ross finds out he’s the father. An all new Friends, next Thursday on NBC.