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Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham and Ellen Plummer

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica carries a bag into the kitchen. Chandler follows her.]

Chandler: Hey, babe, aren’t you excited that we’re finally going on our honeymoon?

Monica: Yeah, I am!!

Chandler: (sings) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama...

Monica: That’s right, get it out of your system while we’re alone.

(Joey and Phoebe enter.)

Joey: Hey! We came to say goodbye!

Phoebe: Yeah, have a great honeymoon!

(Joey kisses Monica on the cheek.)

Monica: Thanks.

Chandler: I better go pack.

Monica: Oh, no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn’t find was your Speedo.

(Joey stares at Chandler and Phoebe tries to keep a straight face. Chandler is horrified.)

Chandler: Speedo? Uh, I don’t have a Speedo. I’m going to go pack my, uh, long, regular bathing suit.

(He runs to his room. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Oh good. You’re still here!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: I wanted to tell you to have a good honeymoon.

(They hug.)

Monica: Oh, thank you.

Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (Monica smiles) What, what, what?

(Joey has a huge grin on his face.)

Joey: We know it’s Ross!

Rachel: How, but how do you know?

Phoebe: It was his sweater. But oh my God!!

Rachel: Oh, oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved that you guys already know!

Monica: Oh, great! And I’m gonna be your baby’s aunt!

Rachel: Oh, I know!

(They hug.)

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

(She joins the hug.)

Joey: I’m gonna be an uncle!

(He joins the hug.)

Rachel: You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles.

Monica: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood.

Rachel: Ok! All right!! So now that you guys all know, you could help me, give me some advice on how to tell Ross.

Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?

Rachel: Well, I was gonna tell him that I’m, I’m, I’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.

Joey: Well, that, that sounds great.

Rachel: Yeah, but, y’know, how, how do I start? What’s the first thing that I say? (silence) Ok, great! Thanks!

Monica: Hey, good luck!

Joey: Bye.

Phoebe: Bye.

(Rachel smiles and leaves. Chandler comes out of his room.)

Chandler: Hey, what was that all about?

Monica: Well, I guess it’s, there’s not harm in telling you now. Ross and Rachel are going to have a baby.

Chandler: (high pitched voice) What?! I didn’t even know that - why didn’t you tell me?! Why am I talking like this?!

Monica: Look, I didn’t think you could keep it a secret.

Chandler: (high pitched voice) What?! (normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.

Joey: What secrets?

Chandler: Oh, no, no, Joey! I’m not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.

(Monica walks away.)

Joey: Psst! Can you tell me later?

Chandler: You already know.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Phoebe and Joey enter.]

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.

Joey: Y’know, Monica and Chandler are married.

Phoebe: Umm-hmm.

Joey: Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.

Phoebe: All in good time, my love, all in good time. (squeezes his chin) Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. You can let me in later, right?

Joey: No, I don’t have the key. They took mine to give to you.

Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!!

Joey: Why’d they take away our keys?!

Phoebe: Maybe they don’t trust us.

Joey: Oh that’s not it. They let me keep their key the last time they were out of town.

Phoebe: You mean the time you broke a ketchup bottle and cleaned it up wiht Monica’s guest towels?

Joey: Hey, I washed those.

Phoebe: No, you didn’t!

Joey: Yeah, that didn’t sound like me.

Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar.

Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too!

Phoebe: What stuff?

Joey: Monica’s chicken ??? ! Ok... (makes a call) Hey, Mr. Treeger. It’s Joey Tribbiani. Listen, uh, I need to get into Monica and Chandler’s apartment - it’s an emergency! (listens) Uh, uh, uh, gas leak. Oh, and, uh, bring garlic bread.

(He hangs up. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey.

Joey / Phoebe: Hey.

Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?

Ross: No, why?

Phoebe: Oh, she was, was looking for you.

Ross: Oh, well, I guess I’ll catch up with her later.

Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.

Joey: Yeah. It, uh, seemed pretty important.

Ross: Oh no.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I think I might know what this is about.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this, but, uh, about a month ago, Rachel and I slept together.

Phoebe: And?

Rachel: Well, I thought you’d be a little more shocked, uh...

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. And?!

Ross: Well, we, we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now I, I, uh, think she may wanna start things up again.

Joey: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what it is.

Ross: Why? Wh-what else could it be?

Joey: Oh, wow, I don’t feel well!

(He puts his hand on his stomach.)

Ross: Ok, I’m telling you, I’m telling you, that’s what I think it is. Oh man! No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn’t say something to you?

Phoebe: (to Joey) Maybe it’s something you ate.

Joey: Please, just, just go and talk to Rachel.

Ross: Maybe I should just go. Hey, y’know what I have to realize? Maybe I’m not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y’know, they, they always seem to want a little bit more... I should remember that.

(He leaves.)

[Scene: An airport, I have no idea which one. Chandler and Monica are in a line behind the ticket counter. A couple in front of them are busy making out.]

Clerk: Next.

Monica: They’re just kissing. Let’s just go around them.

Chandler: Leave them alone. They’re in love.

Monica: I’m in love too! But at least I do it in an orderly fashion.

Clerk: Next?

(Monica taps the woman on the shoulder.)

Monica: Hi. Can you do that and walk? Because she said ‘next’.

(They pick up their stuff and go up to the counter.)

Woman: Sorry. We didn’t hear you. We’re on our honeymoon.

Clerk: Oh! Let me see what I can do! (types in something) There are some first class seats available.

Monica: Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to First Class because they’re on their honeymoon. Come on, let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon.

Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.

Monica: Grab my ass.

(He does so.)

Clerk: Next?

Monica: Sorry! I almost didn’t hear you because, y’know, I’m so in love with my new husband! We’re on our honeymoon.

Clerk: Congratulations.

Monica: Thank you.

(She hugs Chandler.)

Clerk: Ok, Mr. Bing, you’ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing, you’re in 25K.

(She hands back the tickets.)

Monica: No, you see, we’re on our honeymoon, so can you do your little thing and bump us up to First Class?

Clerk: I’m sorry, all the First Class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.

Monica: You see, if we had gone around them like I said, then she would’ve given us those tickets! Dammit!

Chandler: 25J and K. Any chance those aren’t together?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel‘s. Phoebe and Joey are playing with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. (Joey is blue and Phoebe is red. :) ]

Joey: I still can’t believe they took away my key! You trust me with yours!

Phoebe: Of course I do! And I’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place!

(They start to play but they hear loud banging.)

Joey: What the hell is that?! (They go out in the hallway to inspect the noise. Mr. Treeger is with two firefighters. One of them is hacking at the door of #20) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?!

Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here!

Phoebe: Well, why didn’t you use your key?

(He holds up a chain of about 500 hundred keys. Seriously.)

Mr. Treeger: Because, by the time I found it on this thing, the whole place might’ve exploded. If that happens to another building that I manage, people are going to start asking questions. (to the firefighter) Come on, hurry up!

(*Whack* A giant chunk of the door falls in.)

Phoebe: Oh!! We could’ve done that!

[Scene: The airport. The other couple enter the First Class Lounge. Chandler and Monica come behind them.]

Monica: That, look at that! They’re going in the First Class Lounge! You know what they have in there?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Me neither! We have to get in!!!

(She runs in and Chandler follows.)

Chandler: Just act like you belong.

Monica: Oh my God, oranges!!

Chandler: Sshh! (to the receptionist) Nice to see you again.

(They start to go in.)

Receptionist: Uh, sir, may I see your tickets, please?

(Chandler shows him.)

Chandler: Yes, of course.

Receptionist: I’m sorry, will you move your thumb? I can’t see the seat number.

Chandler: Oh, that’s all right. I have it memorized. It’s 1A.

(The receptionist snatches the ticket and looks at it.)

Receptionist: Sir, this not a First Class ticket. I’m sorry.

Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse me.

(He starts to go in.)

Receptionist: Sir, I’m afraid I have to ask you leave.

Monica: Fine. (she grabs an orange and runs out) Go! Go! Go!!

[Scene: The hallway of Ross’ building. He comes home and sees Rachel sitting outside his door, reading a magazine. He puts his hand to his heart and sighs.]

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Hi.

(He helps her up.)

Rachel: Hi. Um, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about.

Ross: I think we do. Why don’t we go inside? (They do) Uh, look, I know why you’re here. Yeah. And, uh, to save you from any embarrassment, uh, I think I should talk.

Rachel: Ok...

Ross: Ok? Here. (She sits down) Uh... Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. (laughs) That’s been one heck of a see-saw, hasn’t it?

Rachel: (confused) What?

Ross: I mean, look, that, that one night we had was fun and certainly passionate, but I think it’s better if we just stay friends.

Rachel: Seriously, what?

Ross: Uh, ok. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean, I, I’d be ok with that. In fact, I have some time right now...

Rachel: Ok! Y’know what, y’know what? Can I talk now?

Ross: Ok. Sure.

(He sits on the coffee table.)

Rachel: Ok. Ah. (he holds her hand) I’m pregnant. (Ross’ face goes into a goofy, shocked face) Ross. (It’s frozen) Ross. (his mouth drops open) Ok, whenever you’re ready. (starts reading her magazine) And you’re the father, by the way. But you got it.

[Scene: Ross’s place. Cont’d. Rachel sits up.]

Rachel: Can I get you some water?

Ross: I’m good. I’m good.

Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. I mean, you can be as involved as you want.

(Ross nods and his eyes bulge out.)

Ross: Yeah, I, uh, I’m just, I, uh, I don’t know. I don’t understand, um, how this happened. We, we used a condom.

Rachel: I know, I know, but condoms only work like, y’know, 97% of the time.

Rachel: They do.

Ross: NO THEY DON’T!!!!!!!! (He runs to get the box.) Well, they should put it in huge block letters!!!!

(He reads the box.)

Rachel: Oh come on, Ross. Let’s just forget about the condoms.

Rachel: Hey, listen, I was really freaked out too, when I -

Ross: Freaked out - I’m not, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant as a consumer!!!

Rachel: Y’know what, let’s, let’s talk later.

Ross: No! No!! Let’s talk now! In fact, I’m gonna talk to the president (gets the phone) of the condom (dials) company!!!

Rachel: Ok, y’know, maybe I should come back.

Ross Sshh!!

Rachel: Ok.

(Ross listens for a bit.)

Ross: Yeah, I’ll press one!!!!

(He hangs up.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe, Joey and Mr. Treeger are there. The door is leaning against the kitchen counter.]

Mr. Treeger: I’ve looked everywhere. There’s no gas leak.

(Joey holds up a bowl.)

Joey: Oh, so I can heat this now?

(He sticks it in the oven.)

Mr. Treeger: Listen, I’ll get you a new door.

Phoebe: Oh great, and can you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? Cause, cause they don’t have any children of their own and this door was like a child to them.

Mr. Treeger: Well, I have to put in a new lock, they’ll find out anyway.

Phoebe: Ohh no.

(Mr. Treeger measures the width of the doorframe.)

Mr. Treeger: Well, this looks like an all-day job. I’m gonna have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up) Hey Ross.

Ross: Hey.

Mr. Treeger: Will you tell Jasmine that there’s no yoga class today? (bows his head) Namaste.

(Ross does the same.)

Ross: Namaste. (Mr. Treeger leaves) My God! What happened to the door?!

Joey: It’s noticeable, huh?

Ross: Look, is Rachel here, I really need to talk to her?

Phoebe: Didn’t you already talk?

Ross: Yeah, but, (takes a deep breath) ok, ok, look. You guys know that Rachel and I slept together but there’s something else... Rachel’s pregnant.

Joey / Phoebe: Oh my God, I can’t believe that!!! / Holy mother of God!!!

Ross: With my child.

Phoebe: That is brand new information!!!

Ross: You already know, don’t you?

Phoebe: A little bit.

Joey: How’re you doing?

Ross: I’m ok. I mean, I mean I’ll be ok. It’s just I don’t think I handled it very well.

Joey: What’d you say to her?

Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department of the condom company got an earful. And then when around, Rachel was around gone.

Phoebe: Oh, Ross...

Ross: But, hey, in my defense, I just found out that condoms are only 97% effective!

Joey: What?

Ross: I gotta go find her.

Joey: Hey, hey, hold on!! Are you serious?! So, like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh?! They should put that on the box!!

Ross: Evidently they do.

(He examines a string of condom packages.)

[Scene: The hotel lobby. That couple is at the counter. Chandler and Monica walk up to them.]

Monica: Oh, I can’t believe we’re here!

Chandler: Oh, you gotta be kidding!

Monica: What?

(She sees them and gasps.)

Receptionist: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.

Monica: No, you have been screwing us all day!!

Man: Who are you?

Chandler: We’re you!! Just ten seconds later!!

Monica: Yeah, I mean you already got the First Class tickets, you got the lounge. Yeah, we should get free stuff too!! You’re not the only ones on your honeymoon!!

Woman: You can have the suite if you want. We don’t care about where we stay. We’re here to celebrate our love for each other. Not get free stuff. We just wanna be together.

Chandler: We need the stuff!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe and Joey are at the kitchen table and Joey is on the phone with Monica.]

Joey: Monica, listen, it’s Joey. Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.

(Cut to Chandler and Monica.)

Monica: What?! Are you serious?! (to Chandler) Joey smells gas.

Chandler: He always does. [or something like that...]

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey.)

Joey: Well, we’d check it out but you took away our keys!

(Cut to Chandler and Monica.)

Monica: Do something! Get in there!

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey.)

Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.

Monica: Do that!!

Joey: And you won’t blame us for any damage?

Monica: No!

(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)

(Cut to Chandler and Monica.)

Monica: Are you doing it? I don’t hear anything. Come on!!

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey.)

Joey: Ok, I’ll, I’ll break it down.

(Joey grabs a chair and starts hitting it on the floor. Phoebe picks up the phone.)

Phoebe: Oh, hi. He’s doing it, he’s breaking down the door. (The top of the chair breaks off) Oh, ok, we’re in!

(She quickly hangs up.)

[Scene: The doctor’s. Rachel’s is laying on...something.]

Nurse: Uh, Rachel, are you comfortable?

Rachel: Ahh... If I said I was, will you charge me?

Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.

Rachel: Ok. (the nurse leaves) Oh. Oh man. I swear, if they sold these at Pottery Barn...

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi! (sits up and starts adjusting the sheet)

Ross: Listen, we gotta talk.

Rachel: R-r-right now? Cause I kinda got an ??? situation going on here.

Ross: Please, please. I, I, I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.

Rachel: Oh. Fine. But can you please stand near my head?

Ross: What? Oh, right, sorry. (does so) I think I went a little crazy. I mean, I was just thinking about myself when I should have been thinking about you.

Rachel: Ok, head, Ross, head, Ross, head, Ross!

Ross: Ok. Ok. I just, I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, ok? The doctor’s appointments, the Lamaze classes, the, uh, baby proofing the apartment... Uh, we shouldn’t worry about that ‘til after we get married.

Rachel: Married?

Ross: Well, I think that we should get married.

Rachel: Marriage? Is that your answer to everything?

Ross: No, because that’s the right thing to do.

Rachel: Uh, maybe, if you’re in love. But Ross, we’re not in love, are we?

Ross: No, but, but still. You can’t possibly do this alone.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: I’m just saying, if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?

Rachel: I can too eat by myself!

Ross: When have you ever?!

Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!!

Ross: Well, certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!

Rachel: Oh please. You inhale your food.

Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn’t eat fast, you didn’t eat!!

(Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long: Am I interrupting?

Rachel: No. Oh please, Dr. Long, come in. This is Ross. He’s the father.

Ross: But not her husband because evidently, she can do this alone.

Dr. Long: Nice to meet you. I’ll get started on this.

Ross: I can’t get why you don’t need me.

Rachel: I do need you. I need you to stay near my head!!

Dr. Long: Ok, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (Ross and Rachel stare at it) There’s your uterus. And right here is your baby.

Ross: Oh my God.

Rachel: Wow, there it is. I see it.

Dr. Long: Congratulations. I’ll give you two a minute.

Rachel: Ok.

Ross: Thank you. (Dr. Long leaves. Rachel starts to cry) Pretty amazing, huh?

Rachel: I don’t see it!!!

Ross: What? What?!

Rachel: I can’t see it!

Ross: You, you, you just said that you did!

Rachel: I lied. I didn’t want her to think I was a terrible mother. I can’t even see my own baby!

Ross: Come here, come here, sure you can. Look, look, come here (pulls up the computer). It’s right there.

Rachel: Oh. Oh. It’s beautiful. I see it now.

Ross: Do you really?

Rachel: No, I don’t see it!!

(Ross pulls her back up.)

Ross: Ok, ok. You see, you see this?

(He points at the screen.)

Rachel: Uh huh.

Ross: That tiny thing that looks like a peanut?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Sweetie, that’s it.

Rachel: That’s it? Well, I saw that! Ohh! Oh, thank you.

Ross: You’re welcome.

(They look at the sonogram.)

Rachel: Wow. I can’t believe that’s our baby.

Ross: Yeah. That’s our baby...

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s. Phoebe and Joey are there. Ross and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe / Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: So, how was the doctor?

Rachel: Oh, everything went great.

Phoebe: Good!

Ross: Hey, show them the picture of your uterus.

(Rachel does so.)

Phoebe: Aww...

Joey: I don’t see the baby. Where is it?

Rachel: I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right - Ross, I lost it again!

Ross: Oh...

(He shows her again.)