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Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Allesandro’s kitchen. Monica is busy at work. She hands a waitress two plates.]

Monica: Ok, now this one is rare and this one is medium-well. Now go, go, go!! (Phoebe walks up to her) Phoebe! (still yelling) How was dinner?

Phoebe: (yelling also) Dinner was good!!

Monica: Ok!

Phoebe: All right! Now I’m going to go!!

Monica: Ok.

(Phoebe sees an attractive chef.)

Phoebe: Well hello there!

Tim: Hi.

Phoebe: (to Monica) I didn’t see this on the menu.

Monica: Oh, Tim, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Tim, my new sous-chef.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re Monica’s boss?

Tim: Ac-actually, she’s my boss. Sous is French for “under”.

Phoebe: Oh! I sous-stand.

(She laughs.)

Monica: Uh, Tim, I need a calamari and a Caesar Salad. And, uh, could you get me the pesto?

(Tim picks them up.)

Phoebe: You, you made pesto?

Tim: Yes, yes I did.

Phoebe: Ok, your pesto is the best-o?

Tim: I, I, I don’t know, but I would say it’s pretty good-o.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Monica: Well, I still need the calamari and the Caesar Salad.

Tim: That’s a cool necklace.

Phoebe: I made it myself.

Tim: You are so talented.

Phoebe: It’s not pesto.

(Monica goes up to them.)

Monica: All right, all right, let’s just cut to the chase. (points at Phoebe) You’re single and (points at Tim) you’re single. (to Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (to Tim) She’ll be waiting for your call. (to Phoebe) You can tell him your number (to Tim) if I can just get one calamari and one Caesar Salad!!!!! (Everyone’s staring at her) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar!

[Scene: Chandler’s office. He’s not working. :-) His boss stops in front of his doorway.]

Mr. Franklin: Wow, Bing, burning the midnight oil!

(Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)

Chandler: Yes sir. Oh, I do have a question for you. Do you know how I can get around the office computer network so that I can access the really good Internet porn?

(Mr. Franklin laughs.)

Mr. Franklin: You’re a joker, Bing!

(He leaves.)

Chandler: What’s funny about that?

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey. Sorry I left you waiting so long.

Chandler: It’s ok. What’s up?

Ross: Oh, uh, I think you know where I wanna go.

Chandler: The Hard Rock Cafe?

Ross: (excited) Yeah!

Chandler: Again?

Ross: Yeah!! (They go out to the hallway) I’m telling you, I like the food!

Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display. (A co-worker walks by) Hey Bob!

Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night.

Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?

Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that’s my name.

Ross: Well, why don’t you correct him?

Chandler: It’s gone on way too long now. Y’know, I mean, the first time he said hellow, we were just passing each other in the hall. And the next time he was like “Hey, Toby, you wanna donut?” I, I wanted the donut. And now it’s five years alter, the donut is gone and I’m still Toby.

Ross: Five years? Chandler, you have to tell him!

Chandler: No! That will be so awkward! And besides, we’re in different departments. He works on the six floor... So what he calls me “Toby” once in awhile. Y’know, it could be worse. It’s not like he’s calling me Muriel.

(Ross laughs.)

Ross: Muriel. Why, why would he call you Muriel? (Chandler realizes what he’s done. Ross thinks about it...) Oh my God, Chandler M. Bing?! It’s not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!

Chandler: Ssshh!! It is a family name!

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?

[Scene: The DOOL set. Rachel is watching Joey film a scene on the TV screen.]

(Cut to Drake/Jessica talking to some doctor in his office.)

Doctor: Drake, I’ve discovered the reason for your headaches and memory loss.

Drake: What is it?

Doctor: Apparently, your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica’s brain.

(Joey uses one of his acting “techniques”.)

Drake: Is it serious?

Doctor: Not if we retract tissues from the original host’s body, synthesize antibodies and introduce that into your system. Which could stop it from rejecting the brain.

Drake: Well, that sounds simple enough. Let’s do it.

Doctor: We would. But when we went to exhume Jessica’s body, it was gone.

(Joey does the smell the fart look. The scene thing buzzes.)

Director: Cut! Very nice, people!

(Joey goes over to Rachel.)

Joey: Ok, just let me get changed and then we can go to dinner.

Rachel: But hey! What happened to Jessica’s body?

Joey: I’m not tellin’ ya. You have to see it on TV!

Rachel: You don’t know, do you?

Joey: No. Couldn’t care less. (Joey walks over to Cash, the other actor) Hey, good score man.

Cash: You too!

(They shake hands. Rachel clears her throat.)

Joey: What? You weren’t in it.

Rachel: Oh!

(She motions for him to introduce her.)

Joey: Oh. Sorry. Cash, this is my friend, Rachel. Rachel, Cash, Cash, Rachel.

Rachel: Hiii!

(They shake hands.)

Cash: How come I haven’t seen you here before?

Rachel: Well, (laughs) Joey made me promise I wouldn’t embarrass him. He thinks I’m some kind of soap opera nut. (laughs) Which I’m not, I’m not. Although I do know that, uh, that, uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. And, uh, and, uh, your, your dog’s name is Wally. Well, either that or I’m just stroking your arm...

Joey: Here we go!

(He drags her away.)

Rachel: I gotta leave! Bye!

Cash: Bye.

Rachel: Say hi to Wally!!

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica is at the counter. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Ooh, Monica!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hi. I had the best time with Tim last night! He is so sweet! Uh, I can’t wait to get sous-neath him!

Monica: I, I have to fire him.

Phoebe: But why?!

Monica: He’s terrible! He’s slow, he burns things. Last night, he lit my pastry chef on fire.

Phoebe: Maybe he was just nervous. You know, you can be very intimidating. Besides, I’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.

Monica: She has no eyebrows. Mission accomplished.

(They sit on the couch.)

Phoebe: Look, Monica, he loves his job so much. Can’t you just give him another chance? Please?

Monica: All right, but if, if he lights someone else on fire, he is out of there!!

Phoebe: That’s fair. Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops. Looks like when he got the pastry chef, he got you a little bit.

(She looks at Monica’s hair.)

Monica: I paid to have this done.

Phoebe: Love it!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel’s reading and Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Oh, you know, uh, Cash really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming.

Rachel: Oh! I thought I was a complete idiot!

Joey: Yeah, I’m with you. He wanted me to ask you if you wanted to go out with him.

Rachel: Ohh... I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?

Joey: I said no.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: I, I figured that since you’re pregnant, you’re not going to be seeing people.

Rachel: Ok, Joey, first of all, Cash Ford, not people! Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?

Joey: I didn’t tell him. I thought you weren’t telling people. This was back when I still thought Cash was people.

Rachel: Good, good, don’t tell him, don’t tell him. Just, just have him call me, ok?

Joey: Rach, I don’t think that’s such a -

Rachel: Uh, if you don’t go do it, I will come back to that set, I will meet more actors, I will meet them all!

Joey: Yep.

(He goes into his room to call.)

[Scene: Chandler’s office building’s hallway. Bob is waiting for the elevator. Chandler walks up.]

Chandler: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, how’s my pal Toby doing today?

Chandler: If I see him, I’ll ask.

(Bob laughs. Chandler heads to his office. Mr. Franklin exits the elevator.]

Mr. Franklin: Hey, hey, Bing, listen, was that guy Bob, from six you were just talking to?

Chandler: Yeah.

Mr. Franklin: Well, then, you know each other.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re both on a first name basis.

Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team?

Chandler: Bob? Ooh...Working here with us? Everyday? I don’t know if he has what it takes.

Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down at six.

Chandler: But this is eleven. It’s almost twice as hard up here.

Mr. Franklin: Ok, I hear ya loud and clear. Bob will stay put.

Chandler: I think it’s best, sir.

Mr. Franklin: But we really need to find someone up here. The work is really starting to pile up. I’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high.

Chandler: Dude, just toss them in the shredder and claim you never got them.

(Mr. Franklin laughs.)

Mr. Franklin: That’s a good one, Bing!

Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!

(He goes into his office.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is there and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Ok, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go.

Phoebe: But -

Monica: No, no, no, he is totally incompetent! Ok, I called the chef who recommended him to me and he said “Ha ha, gotcha!!”

Phoebe: Ok, ok, but you can’t fire him today.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because I’m dumping him today.

Monica: What?! But you said he was so sweet!

Phoebe: He is sweet! He’s too sweet! He calls me all the time! It’s like “Did, did you get home from work ok?” “Did you get out of the shower ok?”

Monica: Then just don’t pick up your phone.

Phoebe: But then he comes over. “I’m so worried about you.” Ugh, be a man!!

Monica: What, so now I’m not allowed to fire him?

Phoebe: You can’t fire a man and dump him in the same day, he’ll kill himself.

Monica: Ok, then I’ll fire him today and then you go out with him for another week.

Phoebe: Having another week with that snip, I’ll kill myself!!!

Monica: Ok, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it.

Phoebe: Ok, but the question is, who’s gonna go first? The one who goes second is the bitch.

Monica: What do you mean?

Phoebe: Come on! The boss who fires a guy who’s just been dumped? Bitch! Woman who dumps a guy who’s just been fired, blonde bitch!

Monica: I wanted to do this days ago, so I think I should go first.

Phoebe: Ugh. I guess that makes sense. But - (runs out) Screw you, I’m going first!!!!!

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler’s office.]

Bob: Hey, Toby, you got a sec?

Chandler: Sure. What’s up?

Bob: I just had a meeting. I was hoping that I would get transferred here, but it’s just not gonna happen. Somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say, who the hell is this Chandler?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey’s sitting on Francette, reading a comic book. Rachel comes out of her room, all dressed up.]

Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight? I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night, I’m still a little drunk?

(Ross enters with a pizza.)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: So what do you want to do tonight? There’s a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. Interesting?

Joey: No. But I’ll go see a normal person movie with ya.

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Oh, no, I can’t, I got a date.

Ross: A date?

Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?

Ross: No, it’s, it’s the opposite of weird. It’s, it’s regular. It’s, uh, it’s mundane. It’s actually a little dull.

Joey: It’s no Ukrainian film, that’s right.

Rachel: Ooh! Earrings!

(She runs in her room.)

Ross: A date?! She’s, she’s got a date with who?!

Joey: I set her up with this actor on my set.

Ross: You set her up?!

Joey: No...

Ross: Joey, what, what were you thinking?

Joey: That it’d probably be ok because Ross hasn’t gone out with Rachel in five years!

Ross: Joey, I’m not worried about her, I’m worried about my baby! Who she dates, my baby dates. Oh no, where is this actor taking them?

Joey: I’m an actor too!! I’m not sure. I think they’re taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.

Ross: My baby is going on a ferry. Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!!

Joey: One of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?

Ross: Why don’t they just go jump out of an airplane?! Huh? That’s a fun date. Or burn each other with matches?! That’s fun too! Whoo!

(There’s a knock on the door and Joey opens it. It’s Cash.)

Cash: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Cash. (Cash comes in) Hey, Cash, this is Ross. Ross, this is Cash.

Ross: Hey. (shakes his hand) I hear you’re going on a ferry tonight.

Cash: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah. Bit of a daredevil, are ya?

(Rachel comes out of her room.)

Rachel: Hey, guys, do you think this is too slutty - hi Cash!

Cash: Hey Rachel. You ready to go?

Rachel: Yeah. See you guys later.

Ross: Ok. Have a great, you guys. (they leave) YES, IT IS TOO SLUTTY!!!!!

(Joey closes the door.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Tim enters. He walks behind Phoebe, who’s sitting on the couch, reading.]

Tim: Hi.

Phoebe: Oh!! Hi.

Tim: I’m so glad you called. I feel like it’s always me calling you. So, what’s up? Is everything ok with Phoebe?

Phoebe: It will be. In a minute. Listen, Tim, you’re a really great guy.

Tim: It’s because I’m with you.

Phoebe: Awww. (sticks out her tongue at him) I’m, I’m just in a place in my life right now where I, I -

(Tim gets paged.)

Tim: Oh. I’m so sorry. (holds up his pager) This just in!

Phoebe: Ok.

Tim: Oh, it’s a 911 from the restaurant. That means Monica needs me right away.

Phoebe: No, it isn’t. I know what that is, you can stay.

Tim: Aw. I’ll miss you too, Pheebs. (He starts to head out) I’ll be holding you (puts his hands over his heart) right here.

(He kisses his hands and blows Phoebe a kiss. She catches it. He leaves and she throws the kiss back at him.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey and Ross there eating the pizza.]

Joey: So what movie do you want to see and not another one I have to read because I get enough of that from books.

Ross: Books?

Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it’s like, enough!!

Ross: Well, I’ll tell you what, why don’t we stay here? We’ll not see a movie, we’ll just hang.

Joey: And wait for Rachel to come back from her date.

Ross: Ok, if that’s what you want to do, then ok, I’m not saying no.

Joey: Dude, what is going on?

Ross: Because I have to find out how it went.

Joey: Why?

Ross: This, this guy could be my baby’s stepfather!

Joey: They go on one date and you’re worried about them getting married? He’s not you!!

Ross: I just, I just can’t believe she’s, she’s dating?!

Joey: Well, Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?

Ross: I don’t know. I just can’t believe any of this is actually happening.

Joey: What do you mean?

Ross: It’s just, just that I thought when I had another kid, it’d be different. Look, I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan’s, it’s like, it breaks my heart a little bit. I mean, I’d always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, uh, my kid comes running in and leaps op on the bed and, um, we all read the paper together, you know? Maybe fight over the Science section.

Joey: That’s a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that.

Ross: No. I can’t. I mean, Rachel’s out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything, that picture keeps moving further away.

(He sits on Francette.)

Joey: Oh, hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?

Ross: It used to be. But now, now, she really doesn’t have a face...Smokin’ body though.

Joey: Good call. The face, Ross, the face isn’t Rachel.

Ross: No, but, how much easier would it be if it were?

Joey: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that’s what she wants.

Ross: No, it’s not what I want either. I mean, I, I can’t force myself to fall in love with her again.

Joey: R-ross, maybe you need a new picture. Ok, it’s not going to be what you thought, but no matter what, there’s going to be a brand new little baby. Your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like. Let me tell ya. Let’s you and me go out and have some fun, huh? Whatever you want. Come on.

(Ross checks his watch and gets up.)

Ross: We can still catch that Ukrainian film.

Joey: I said fun.

[Scene: Hallway. Chandler is about to enter his office when Bob runs up to him.]

Bob: Hey Toby!

Chandler: Hey Bobby.

Bob: It’s Bob, actually. Hey, you work up here. Can you tell me where this Chandler Bing’s office is?

Chandler: Uh, yeah, it’s right, right, (points) right down there. (He pushes his nametag off his door) Right there. Yeah. Can I ask you why?

Bob: Because I want to talk to you that bastard. See what his problem is.

Chandler: Ok, Bob, listen, uh, I’m the reason you didn’t get the job up here.

Bob: Toby, don’t.

Chandler: Bob -

Bob: Toby, listen, I’m not going to let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler.

Chandler: Well, that puts me in a difficult position.

[Scene: Allesandro’s kitchen. Monica is there and Tim enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Tim: I got your page. Is everything ok?

Monica: Uh, well, that depends. How are things with Phoebe?

Tim: Great, it’s great! Thank you so much for introducing us!

Monica: It’s a pleasure. Ok, I’m afraid I get some bad news. (Phoebe enters) Phoebe!!

Phoebe: (mad) Monica!!!

Phoebe / Monica: I’m breaking up with you!! / You’re fired!!

Tim: What?!

Phoebe: I’m, I’m, I’m breaking up with you.

Monica: You’re fired.

Tim: Why?

Phoebe: I’m just, I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.

Monica: And I’m sorry too, but, well, I just, I like things done a certain way. The chemistry’s just not right.

Phoebe: Good. The chemistry for us too.

Tim: Wow. Um, ok. Um (to Phoebe) I, I, realize I came on a little strong, but it’s only because I think you’re so amazing. (to Monica) And, uh, I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because you’re the most talented chef I‘ve ever worked for. Anyway...

(He’s about to leave.)

Monica: Tim, wait. Um, I think I spoke too quickly. There, there, there’s a curb with his job and I think we should try it again.

Tim: Really?

Monica: Yeah.

Tim: Thank you so much because I know, I know I can be better!

Monica: Ok.

Phoebe: And Tim, I just wanna say good luck here.

(She shakes his hand and leaves.)

[Scene: The alley behind Central Perk. Ross is walking past the magazine stand and he sees Rachel with a grocery bag.]

Ross: Hello.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Uh, how was the date?

Rachel: Well, I’m alone and I just bought $15 worth of candy bars, what do you think?

Ross: Huh. What happened?

Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.

Ross: Uh. He didn’t, uh, take it so well?

Rachel: Better than you. But still not what I want.

Ross: Oh?

Rachel: Well, he got all weird and sputtery and then he said, uh, “I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch.”

Ross: He sounds swell.

Rachel: Doesn’t he?

Ross: Hey, want, uh, want a little cheering up? Here.

Rachel: Ok.

(They sit down on the step, where Joey says your shoes will get stolen if you fall asleep there. ;-) )

Ross: Guess whose, uh, middle name is Muriel.

(Rachel thinks about it and gasps.)

Rachel: Chandler Muriel Bing.

Ross: Yuh-huh.

Rachel: Oh my God.

(She laughs.)

Ross: I’m sorry about your date.

Rachel: Uh, it’s all right. I guess I’m just done for with the whole dating thing. It’s one more thing in my life that is suddenly completely different. This is hard.

Ross: Yeah, I know. On the other hand, in about seven months, you’re gonna have something that you’re gonna love more than any guy you’ve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait, uh, until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea.

Rachel: Thanks honey. I know...

Ross: You, uh, you wanna grab some coffee?

(They get up.)

Rachel: Oh no. I think, I think I’m gonna go home and eat ten candy bars.

Ross: I thought I cheered you up.

Rachel: Oh, you did. There are twenty in here!

Ross: Later.

Rachel: Good night.

(He kisses her on the cheek and leaves. Rachel stands there, thinking...)

(Cut to Central Perk. Ross enters.)

Mona: Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Mona: Hey! It’s Mona. From the wedding.

Ross: Oh, hi!

Mona: Hi!

Ross: Wow, uh, uh, how, how are you?

Mona: I’m good, except, um, you still owe me a dance.

Ross: Oh, that’s right.

Mona: Hmm.

Ross: Would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?

(Mona laughs.)

Mona: Oh, you’re serious. Sure.

Ross: Great. Well, uh -

(Rachel enters, unnoticed.)

Mona: I think I might need one moe cup of coffee.

Ross: Um, let me get it for you.

Mona: Ok.

(Ross goes to the counter. Rachel leaves.)

{Executive producers thing. dedicated to the memory of richard l. cox sr. )

[Scene: Chandler’s office. Bob’s trashing it and Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Bob! Bob!! Bob!!! (he stops) What the hell are you doin’?!

Bob: I found out this is Chandler’s office! Come on, Toby, give me a hand!!

(Chandler hesitates, then joins in.)