________________________________________________________________________

Written by: Mark Kunerth

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

________________________________________________________________________

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica enter, so they’re all present.]

Monica: Hey, guys, guess what.

All: What?

Monica: All right, I know it’s last minute, but I’m going to have a Halloween party.

Phoebe / Ross / Rachel: Oh great!

Monica: Yeah, and everybody has to wear a costume.

All: No, I can’t / etc.

Monica: C’mon, it’ll be fun!!

Ross: Well, I’ll, I’ll be there. I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day. Anyways, so -

Rachel: Please don’t dress up like a dinosaur.

Ross: Uh! Not two years in a row!

Joey: I’m coming to the party, but I’m not dressing up.

Monica: You have to!

Joey: No way. Look, Halloween is so stupid. Dressing up and pretending to be someone you’re not?

Chandler: You’re an actor!

Monica: So, Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?

Ross: Well, yeah. I think I will.

Joey: The hot girl from their wedding? (Ross nods) Well, hey, uh, if she needs any ideas for costumes, she can be a, uh, bikini model, a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader, or, ooh, ooh! Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Slutty Leatherface!

Phoebe: Yeah, wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?

Ross: That’s right. He was hitting on her. And I got her. The better man won. (to Joey) Please don’t take her away from me.

(Joey assures him he won’t.)

[Scene: A street. Phoebe’s walking past a florist and Ursula exits and walks right by her.]

Phoebe: Ursula!

(She turns around.)

Ursula: Oh!

(She starts walking again.)

Phoebe: Oh, wait, it’s me, Phoebe.

(Ursula turns around and stops.)

Ursula: Oh! I thought it was a mirror there. Ok, bye bye.

(She starts walking away.)

Phoebe: Wait a second now! Um, so, what’s new with you?

Ursula: Um, nothing! I mean, I’m getting married next week.

Phoebe: What?!

Ursula: Yeah, yeah. It’s going to be a small ceremony. Just family...His.

Phoebe: Ok. Well, I’m really happy for you.

(She turns to leave.)

Ursula: Wait! If, um, if you want to come, I guess I that’ll be ok.

Phoebe: Really?

Ursula: Sure! Why not. You could be my sister for the day.

Phoebe: Yeah. Ok. My friends are having a Halloween Party at my old apartment, so you could come. Maybe I can meet the guy you’re marrying.

Ursula: Well, uh, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight...I’m supposed to be working right now!! Who cares!

Phoebe: Ok. Oh, by the way, it’s a costume party.

Ursula: Oh! Ok! So that’s why you’re (looks at Phoebe’s clothes. Phoebe glares at her) No? Thanks.

(They go their separate ways.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s - the Halloween party. Monica is Catwoman. Rachel enters, wearing a regular black dress.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Hey, you’re supposed to wear a costume!

Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.

Monica: Oh. Oh, I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it!

Rachel: Ooh.

(*Knock, knock*)

Kids: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Ooh, ooh, can I give out the candy, please? Ever since I became pregnant, I have had the strongest maternal instinct.

Kids: Trick or treat!

Rachel: JUST A MINUTE!!!! Uh! (opens the door) Well. Aw, look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch! (gives the witch candy) You are a very funny clown.

(She gives the clown candy.)

Clown: Thank you.

(The next is a cowgirl.)

Rachel: And you are - so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line ahs got this, y’know, equestrian theme. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue.

Cowgirl: Can I just have the candy?

Rachel: Yeah, sure.

(She gives her candy and she leaves. Phoebe enters as Supergirl.)

Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman! So we meet again.

Monica: So we do, Supergirl.

Phoebe: It’s me, Phoebe!

(Chandler comes out of his room dressed as a pink bunny (!).)

Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume -

Rachel: Oh! You did this to him?

Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kids’ book was The Velveteen Rabbit.

Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!!

Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all!

Chandler: No bunny at all, always no bunny at all!!!

(Joey enters wearing a sweater vest...)

Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!

Joey: Yes, I did. I’m Chandler. (to Chandler) Dude, what happened?

Chandler: How is that me?!

Joey: Ok. I’m Chandler. Mwugh!!

(He opens his mouth wide and sticks out his tongue - it’s kinda freaky.)

Phoebe: (laughs) That is so you!!

Chandler: When have I ever done that?!

Joey: “When have I ever done that?! Mwugh!!”

(*Knock, knock*)

Girl: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Oh! (opens the door to a little ballerina) Aw, you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen!

(She gives her a piece of candy.)

Girl: Thank you.

(She spins around.)

Rachel: Oh, wow. That deserves another piece of candy.

(She gives her one.)

Girl: Thank you!

(She does another ballet move.)

Rachel: Oh! Well, I have to ay that earns two-two pieces of candy!

(The girl opens her mouth in shock when Rachel gives her the candy.)

Girl: I love you!

(She hugs Rachel.)

Rachel: Aw. Aw, honey, here, take it all. (She dumps the whole bowl in the girl’s bag) Monica, we need more candy.

Monica: What? There’s only been like four kids.

Rachel: I know, but one of them just said she loved me so I just gave her everything.

Phoebe: No wonder you’re pregnant.

(Ross enters as a potato with antennae on his head.)

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hey. What are you supposed to be?

Ross: Remember the Russian satellite Sputnik? Well, I’m a potato, or a spud. And these are my antennae. So Sputnik becomes (silence and whole bunch of weird looks) Spudnik. Spudnik!

Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worse costume anymore!

Joey: Hey, all right, Ross came as doodie!

Ross: No, I’m not doodie.

Monica: No, (mimes having antennae) space doodie!

(Joey gives Ross an ok signal. They leave Phoebe at the refreshment table. A guy, Eric, dressed as the solar system, comes up behind her and slaps her ass.)

Phoebe: God! Oh!

Eric: Aren’t you going to give me a kiss?

Phoebe: Ok, I will, but first you gotta tell me who the hell you are.

Eric: Ursula?

Phoebe: Ursula’s fiance?

Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Eric: Ok, I just slapped my future sister in law’s ass.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Eric: I’m an idiot. Oh, is your mother here? Maybe I’ll give her a little slap on the butt.

Phoebe: My mother killed herself.

Eric: See, and I knew that, and now I’m sweating. See, look at me, I’m really sweating. Look at me, I’m getting even sweatier. I think I should just go.

(He’s about to leave.)

Phoebe: Ok, then we’ll just start over. Ok. Hi, I’m Phoebe.

(They shake hands.)

Eric: Eric.

Phoebe: Hi. Why are you looking at me like that?

Eric: Because the sweat’s getting in my eyes and it’s burning.

Phoebe: Here. (She hands him a napkin) So, what are you?

Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just, when I get nervous, I sweat like crazy.

Phoebe: No. I, I meant your costume.

Eric: Oh, I’m the solar system. Uh, my students helped me make it. I teach the second grade.

Phoebe: I love the second grade!

Eric: Really.

Phoebe: It’s so much better than the first grade, when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than the third grade. Y’know, with the politics and the mind games and -

Eric: So what do you do?

Phoebe: Uh, I’m a masseuse. By day.

Eric: Look, you, you know, you don’t have to stand here with me -

Phoebe: No, I’m having fun. And I’m really, I’m really, really excited for you and Ursula.

Eric: Oh, really? I’m lucky. She’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Phoebe: Thank you.

[Scene: The Halloween party, a bit later. Monica goes over to Joey.]

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Yeah?

Monica: You read comic books, right?

Joey: Exclusively.

Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight? Catwoman or Supergirl?

Joey: Catwoman, hands down!

Monica: Yeah...

Joey: But between you and Phoebe? I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe.

Monica: What?! Really?!

Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe lived on the street. Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She’s - she’s not standing right behind me, is she?

Monica: No, you’re fine. All right, do you think I could take Rachel?

Joey: Well, I’m not sure.

Monica: WHAT?!!!! C’mon, I am tough! (points to her stomach) Poke me right here as hard as you can!!

Joey: Ok, ok! Will you relax? What are you taking this so seriously for? Does this matter?

Monica: Oh really? What would you say, y’know, if I said Ross or Chandler could beat you up?!

Joey: I’d say “woman, please.”

(Phoebe walks up.)

Phoebe: Hey, Ursula’s fiance is really sweet. He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know, normally, I don’t like really sweaty guys, but this one, I could really mop him up.

Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fiance.

Phoebe: No, I’m not!! You are!!

Joey: Here comes the temper...

(Cut to Rachel, by the door. *Knock, knock* She opens the door - it’s a girl dressed in 50s clothes.)

Girl: Trick or treat!

Rachel: Hi. Y’know what, honey, we’re actually out of candy right now, but someone just went out to get some. I have been giving out money. (digs for some) But I’m outta that too... Can I write you a check?

Girl: Ok!

Rachel: Oh, what’s your name?

Girl: Lelani...Mayolanokovitch.

Rachel: Ok, I’m just going to write this out to cash...

(She gives Lelani the check. Mona enters, dressed as a nurse.)

Mona: Hey!

Rachel: Hi Mona!

Chandler: Oh!

(He’s eating a carrot...)

Mona: Hi.

Chandler: Joey’s going to be thrilled. He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse.

Mona: Um, actually, I’m just a nurse.

Chandler: You think that would embarrass me, but you see, (indicates his costume) I’m maxed out!

(Ross walks up.)

Ross: Hey, you made it!

Mona: Hi! You’re, um, you’re a potato...

Ross: That’s right. I’m a spud.

Mona: And the antennae...oh my God, you’re Spudnik!

Ross: Yes!!

Chandler: Marry her.

(Cut to Joey and Monica.)

Joey: Here’s a good one for ya. Who do you think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler?

Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband!

Joey: Ross?

Monica: Yeah.

(Cut to Phoebe and Eric.)

Eric: Hey, baby!

Phoebe: Hello, handsome. (She sees Ursula behind her) Oh God! (She moves out of the way. Eric and Ursula kiss) Aw, look at you two. So when did you guys meet?

Eric: Two weeks ago.

Phoebe: Two weeks, that’s it?!!

Eric: I know it sounds crazy and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just perfect. We have so much in Christmas.

Phoebe: Oh really?

Eric: We’re both teachers.

Phoebe: Eh?!

(Ursula motions for her not to tell him.)

Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.

Phoebe: Peace Corps, really?

(Ursula motions to her again.)

Eric: In fact, when we were both building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.

Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. Shall we get me really drunk?

Eric: Sure!

(They go to do that.)

Phoebe: Hehe - ee!!

(She makes a face.)

(Cut to Ross, Mona and Chandler.)

Chandler: Howdy, doodie.

Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. You know, you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear?

Chandler: Relax, man, relax, you’re looking a little flushed.

Joey: Yeah, I think we might find out the answer to our question.

(Chandler turns around.)

Chandler: What question?

Joey: We’re talking about who could kick who’s ass in a fight, you or Ross.

Chandler: There’s no question!

Joey: So you think Ross too?

Chandler: (to Monica) You picked Ross?!!

Monica: Ross is really strong!! He’s the strongest out of all three of you! Except for Joey.

Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me.

Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I can destroy you.

Chandler: Oh really? You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it?

(He pushes Ross and he falls over backwards because of the costume.)

Ross: Oh, I’ll prove it, I’ll prove it like a theorem!!!

(He starts to pull Chandler’s ears. Chandler uses his carrot to bash Ross’s antennae. Monica runs up to them.)

Monica: Stop it!! Stop it!! Stop it!! STOP!! No one is gonna be in a fight in this apartment!

(Joey pulls her away.)

Joey: Monica! People came to see a fight and let’s give them what they came for!!

Mona: You guys could arm wrestle.

Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.

Chandler: You’re going down.

Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down!! Downtown!

Joey: Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing!

[Scene: The Halloween party, continued. Gunther, dressed as Charlie Brown, enters and gives Rachel a bag of candy.]

Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy? Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet!

Gunther: Really?

Rachel: I mean, someday, you are going to make some man the luckiest guy in the world!

(*Knock, knock*)

Boy: Trick or treat.

(Rachel opens the door to a boy wearing a black cape.)

Rachel: Hi! Wow! (gives him candy) There you go!

Boy: My friend Louis told me you were giving out money.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, well, we were, but now we’ve got candy!

Boy: I want the money.

Rachel: Well, that, that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween.

Boy: This isn’t fair!

Rachel: Is it fair that all you did is put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?

Boy: Shut up!

Rachel: You shut up!

Boy: You can’t tell me to shut up!!

Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And, uh, oh, here it comes again: Shut up!

Joey: Uh, Rach?

Rachel: Yeah? It’s good, I’ve got it. (Joey walks away) And wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing to say to you. Oh right, shut up.

(The boy starts to cry.)

Boy: You’re a mean old woman!!

(He runs off.)

Rachel: Oh, no, shut up - I mean, don’t cry!

(She grabs her pocketbook and runs after him. Meanwhile, Mona, Ross, Chandler, Joey and Monica are gathered in the kitchen.)

Monica: Look, honey, you don’t have to do this. It’s the strength you have inside that means so much to me. I mean, you’re loyal and you’re honest and you have integrity. That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!

Chandler: That means nothing to me!

(Cut to the hall. Phoebe walks out to find Ursula smoking.)

Phoebe: Uh! Hi, liar!

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Y’know, the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true!

Ursula: They could be true.

Phoebe: But they’re not!

Ursula: Yeah. It’s a fine line, huh?

Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?

Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and I said I did it too and he got all excited. It was really fun!

(Eric comes out.)

Eric: Honey?

(Ursula shakes the cigarette in front of Phoebe’s face.)

Ursula: It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!!

(She drops it and steps on it.)

Eric: She’s helped so many people quit smoking.

Ursula: Yeah, we really need to get going.

Eric: Oh, right, you have a church group meeting tonight.

Ursula: Right.

(She leaves.)

Eric: Well, it was nice meeting you.

(He leaves too.)

Phoebe: (yelling) And Ursula, it was really nice meeting you tonight!!!

(Joey comes out.)

Joey: Pheebs, come on! Bunny versus doodie. We’re waiting.

(They enter the apartment. Everyone’s gathered around Ross and Chandler, who are seated at the kitchen table.)

Joey: Ok, ok, you guys. One match. Winner take all. (They get into position) Oh, wait, wait! What does the winner get?

Ross: Pride.

Chandler: And dignity.

(Joey laughs.)

Joey: Ok, if you say so...All right, ready, set go!

(They start to arm wrestle with everyone cheering them on.)

(Cut to later. Only Mona, Joey, Monica and Phoebe are still watching.)

Mona: Wow, they’re both really strong.

Joey: Or equally weak.

Monica: Oh God, Chandler’s making his sex face!

(Phoebe checks his face out. He’s doing something weird with his mouth. Phoebe laughs.)

Ross: So, are you getting tired?

Chandler: Nope. I can do this all day.

Ross: Yep, me too. Gettin’ a little tired though.

Chandler: I’m exhausted!

Ross: Ok, this is starting to look really bad for me, ok? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (he turns to look at her) Oh my God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!

Chandler: No! Then you gotta let me win. My wife thinks I’m a wimp.

Ross: At least you have a wife. I just keep getting divorced and knocking people up! And I’m dressed as doodie.

Chandler: You’re Spudnik.

Ross: Come on, who are we kidding, I’m doodie! Please, she’s watchin’!!

Chandler: Fine.

(Ross “wins”.)

Chandler: Oh no.

(Ross jumps up and makes a big deal out of it.)

Ross: Oh!! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Mona: Yay! My hero!

Joey: You’re a weird lady.

(Eric enters.)

Eric: Hey, Ursula says she left her purse.

Phoebe: Oh.

Eric: Oh. (grabs it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.

Phoebe: It does. Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding.

Phoebe: Ok. (she follows him out into the hall) Um, listen, I don’t think, I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. I just wanna wish you all the luck in the world.

Eric: I think we’ll be ok. Ursula’s so perfect and (whispers) she’s been saving herself for me.

Phoebe: Ok, I can’t let you do this. She’s lying to you.

Eric: What?

Phoebe: She is lying and I bet I could prove it. (she grabs the purse and digs around in it) Ok, ok. (pulls out a yellow paper) Not a prayer chain but...looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (pulls out a nametag) Ok, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress. Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver’s license. This oughtta be good, she always lies about this. (she holds it up) How old did she say she was?

Eric: She told me she was 25.

Phoebe: Ok, well, I still want to show you this. Just remember, I’m a minute younger.

Eric: I am stupid. Of course she’s lying. There’s no Top Secret Elementary School For The Children Of Spies!

(They sit on the step.)

Phoebe: No, no, you’re not stupid.

Eric: I’m not smart. (shows her the license) I just wanted so much to be impulsive for once. And to be romantic.

Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. You did it with the wrong person. (he stares) What?

Eric: It’s just weird two people look so much alike, but so different.

Ursula: (from the stairs) Eric!! Let’s go!!!!

Eric: I better go deal now.

Phoebe: Yeah, you should.

(They get up and shake hands.)

Ursula: Hurry up, I gotta pray!!!!

(He leaves.)

[Scene: The Halloween party. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Well, I finally had to give the kid $50 to quit crying.

Joey: It’s not so bad.

Rachel: Yeah, I also had to go to a couple of houses with him as his girlfriend. Uh! I’m just awful with children!

Joey: Come on, you’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. All greedy and hyped up on sugar.

Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is?

Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas. And their birthdays.

Rachel: Umm-hmm.

Joey: They kinda get a little crazy during the summer. And any time they’re hungry or sleepy. Well, kids are tough. Good luck with that.

(He walks away.)

[Scene: The Halloween party. Almost everyone has left. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen.]

Monica: I want to tell you I’m sorry you lost.

Chandler: Listen, I got a secret for you. I let him win.

Monica: Is that a secret or a lie?

Chandler: No, I let him - Ross! Would you tell her that I let you win, please?

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, uh, Chandler let me win. Oh, Chandler’s really strong. Oh, my arm is so sore. Oh nurse!!

(He goes over to Mona.)

Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you!

(He sits down at the table.)

Monica: Oh Chandler, please!

Chandler: What’s the matter? Are you scared?

(Monica sits down.)

Monica: Let’s go, big bunny!

Chandler: One two three. (They start to arm wrestle and Chandler makes his sex face again) I’m going to kill myself.