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Written by: R. Lee Fleming , Jr.

Transcribed by: Jean Liew (with Dutch and translations by Tieno)

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Chandler is there. Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi, honey.

Chandler: Hi.

(Monica looks around.)

Monica: Look at these floors! You did the windows! I have been begging you for months and you did, you cleaned! Nagging works!!

Chandler: No, uh, I didn’t actually do this.

Monica: Oh no. Was I cleaning in my sleep again?

Chandler: No, it wasn’t you.

Monica: Well, then, who?

Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!

Monica: Oh. Well, I hope by “maid” you mean mistress because if some other woman was here cleaning then -

Chandler: I knew that you don’t like to relinquish control, but -

Monica: Oh, relinquish is just another fancy word for lose!!

Chandler: Look, she’s really nice, ok? And she said she really adored the way you arranged the sponges!

(He hugs her.)

Monica: She really said that?

Chandler: Yes. I distinctly remember that because I thought it was a joke. Now, just give her a chance, ok?

Monica: I can do it.

(She walks around, uncomfortable.)

Chandler: What’s the matter?

Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean!

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe and Ross are there. A cell phone starts ringing (it’s playing a Mexican folk song, I think).]

Phoebe: Cell phones! Uh! It’s so annoying! Everywhere you go.

Ross: I think it’s coming from your bag.

(Phoebe takes out her phone.)

Phoebe: I never get calls! (answers) Hello?

(Cut to Eric.)

Eric: Hi, it’s Eric, from the party. Ursula’s fiance.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh my God, Eric, hi. Wait, how’d you get this number?

(Cut to Eric.)

Eric: I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: What an incredible violation and wonderful surprise!

(Cut to Eric.)

Eric: Listen, I just thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: You did? (covers phone) He did it! He did it!

Rachel: He did it!

Phoebe: Ssh, I’m talking.

(Cut to Eric)

Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if you were the sort of person who eats lunch?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Are you asking me out? Because it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.

(Cut to Eric.)

Eric: Yeah, um, ok, I’m, I’m sorry. Bye.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: No!! I was just saying that so you would think I was a good person!! Fight for me.

(Cut to Eric.)

Eric: Uh, I won’t take no for an answer.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: We can work on it at lunch. (cut to Eric) Um, I can be in your apartment in two hours.

Eric: Great, but how, how do you know where I live?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: I have friends too. Oh, bye.

Eric: Bye.

Phoebe: Oh my God, I’m going out with Eric! Oh, this day is so much better than I thought it was going to be! Oh, Ross, I can’t make lunch.

(She leaves.)

Ross: So, apparently, I’m available for lunch.

Rachel: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting.

Ross: You’re moving?

Rachel: Yeah. I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be (baby voice) “how you doin’?”

Ross: So does, does Joey know you’re moving?

Rachel: I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s going to be relieved. He brought this girl over and I started talking and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book...

Ross: That’s not really porn.

Rachel: No, not so much.

Ross: Hey, you know what, if you’re looking for a place, I just heard in the elevator today that a woman in my building died.

Rachel: Oh my God. Was she old? Does she have a view?

Ross: Well, I don’t know, but how, how great would that be, huh? You in my building? I could take care of the baby, I could come over whenever I want (Rachel glares at him)...with your permission...

Rachel: Well, that really would be great.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, can we see it? Oh, maybe we shouldn’t. I mean, if she just died, out of respect.

Ross: Yeah...No, no, you’re right.

(A moment passes.)

Rachel: Shall we?

Ross: Yeah!

(They leave.)

[Scene: A hallway in Ross’s building. He knocks on the door of # 21 and a woman opens it.]

Ms. Verhoeven: Yes?

Ross: Hi, I’m Ross Geller, I live in the building.

Rachel: And I’m Rachel Green, an admirer of the building.

Ross: I, I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away. I’m sorry for your loss.

Ms. Verhoeven: She didn’t pass away.

Ross: What?

Ms. Verhoeven: My mother’s still alive.

Ross: Oh thank God!

Ms. Verhoeven: It looked like we were going to lose her this morning, but she’s a tough old bird. Are you close with her?

Ross: Yes. Yes. She and I would talk all the time, in, in the laundry room.

Ms. Verhoeven: You speak Dutch? Jij bent een vriend ven mijn moeder? Wil je naar ontmoeten? [You are a friend of my mother? Would you like to see her?]

Ross: Y’know, I would, but it’s just painful!

(Ms. Verhoeven nods.)

Rachel: So, she’s really not dead?

Ms. Verhoeven: No, she’s hanging in there.

Rachel: Do you think, could you tell me - is she hanging on in a one bedroom or a two?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is in the kitchen, watching the maid, Brenda, clean.]

Brenda: Mrs. Bing, (holds up a spray bottle with MY TILE CLEANER written on it) this tile cleaner is incredible. Where’d you get it?

Monica: Well, uh, I make it myself. It’s one part ammonia, one part lemon juice and the secret ingredient is - y’know, what, we just met!

Brenda: Oh, uh, y’know what, I’m going to get the clothes from the laundry room now and when I come back, I’m going to clean behind the refridgerator.

Monica: I love her!

Brenda: I’ll be back in a minute.

Monica: Ok.

(Brenda leaves.)

Chandler: See? I told you!

Monica: She stole my jeans!

Chandler: What?

Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them.

Chandler: She stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?

Monica: Don’t you see, it’s the perfect crime!

Chandler: She must have been planning this for years!

Monica: Listen, I will prove it to you, ok? About a week ago, I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap. It left an ink stain on the crotch. Now, when she comes back, I will find it and show you that stain!

Chandler: Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just one pair?

Monica: I guess.

Chandler: So, shouldn’t we give her the benefit of a doubt before we go...snooping around her crotch?

Monica: Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient.

Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?

Monica: Yeah!

(She laughs.)

[Scene: Eric’s place. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi.

Eric: I’m just so glad you’re here.

Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky-angry way you are though!

Eric: Sorry. I just saw Ursula and I had to get the engagement ring back.

Phoebe: Oh.

Eric: Seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. And I just get so angry just looking at her (looks at Phoebe) face...

Phoebe: Yeah.

Eric: Sorry, it’s just that when i look at you, I see her. When I see her, I get a little bit angry.

Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.

Eric: No, b-wait. There’s only one problem - when I look at you. I got it, I got it.

(He sits down and starts to take out his contacts.)

Phoebe: No, don’t tear out your eyes!!!

Eric: I was just, I was just going to take out my lenses.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, try that. (Eric completes the task) So? Is that better?

Eric: Not really. You’re blurry. And you still look like Ursula - you’re Blursula! Oh wait. Maybe if I just, just don’t look at you for awhile. (turns around) See, it, it words. I’m not angry anymore. (laughs) This is a great date!

Phoebe: Look, Eric, turn around. (he does) Look, I like you. It shouldn’t be this hard, you know. This is our first date, you know. It’s supposed to be about excitement and electricity. “Ooh,. he just touched my hand. Did he mean to touch my hand?” You know, first kiss (they kiss) and second kisses...

(They kiss again.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Gunther gives Ross his coffee. Ross is reading an English-Dutch, Dutch-English dictionary.]

Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or, uh, bedankt voor de koffie, Gunther.

Gunther: Jij spreekt nederlands? Dat is te gek! Hebt jij familie daar? [You speak Dutch? That’s so cool! Do you have family there?]

Ross: Yeah, we’re done.

Gunther: Ezel. [Jackass]

(He goes back to the counter.)

Ross: Ezel, ezel, ezel...

(He starts to look for the word. Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey, Ross, you want to see that new, uh, IMAX movie on tidepools?

Ross: Really?

Joey: No! But I got Knicks tickets for you, me and Chandler!

Ross: Sweet!

Joey: All right, finish your coffee and let’s go.

Ross: Ok. I, I, I just gotta stop by my place for a second.

Joey: Whenever I take you to the game, you do this every time. You’re not going to be on TV!

Ross: No, I have to see if this apartment became available.

Joey: You’re switching apartments?

Ross: It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel.

Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.

Ross: When the baby comes, she’s going to want to move.

Joey: She is?

Ross: You didn’t expect her to live there with a baby, did ya?

Joey: I guess I didn’t really think about it.

Rachel: Ezel! (reads the definition) Hey, Gunther, you’re an ezel!

Gunther: Jij hebt sex met ezels. [You have sex with donkeys.]

Ross: Damn!

(He looks through the dictionary again.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is sitting in the kitchen while Brenda is sweeping.]

Monica: Nice jeans!

Brenda: Thanks! I like your top!

Monica: You’re not gettin’ it.

(She leans over to see the jeans, but she ends up falling over.)

Brenda: What happened?

Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.

Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.

Monica: Will do you the top of the cabinets? They’ll really work up your appetite for lunch.

Brenda: All right.

(She climbs on top of the counter. Monica tries to look for the stain, so she sticks her head between Brenda’s legs and gets it stuck.)

Monica: Hello...

Brenda: What’s going on?!

Monica: I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before. Is this not ok?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel’s reading and Joey enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: How was your game?

Joey: Uh, it was ok. I think I ate too much.

Rachel: Oh.

(Joey sees the pizza and grabs a slice.)

Joey: Ooh! Ooh, um, I was talking to Ross and he, um, said you were looking for a new place?

Rachel: Hopefully across the street. If certain Dutch people would just let go!

Joey: I was kinda hoping you’d stay.

Rachel: But, I, I have to go! There’s no room for a baby here.

Joey: No room? It’s a baby! It’s like (measures with his hands) this big. Yeah, uh, you, you, you, you could put it over here. (a table) Or, or we could put it right here! (makes Francette recline) Or, or we could put it over here. (a smaller table) You could never notice it. Uh, where’s the baby? Oh, it’s right - aw, aww...

Rachel: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean, a baby changes everything! It would cry all the time. I mean, imagine bringing home a date and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around.

Joey: I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy.

Rachel: Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I, I, I can’t do that to you. I mean, it would disrupt your entire life.

Joey: It’s just that I love living with you so much! I wish things didn’t have to change.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Y’know, I blame Ross for this.

Rachel: I do too, a little bit.

Joey: Um-hmm. I’m going to miss you. You’re the hottest roommate I ever had.

(They hug.)

[Scene: Eric’s place. Eric and Phoebe are on the couch.]

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, oh no, I have to go. I have a massage appointment.

Eric: Oh no, stay here. We’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you.

Phoebe: No, I’ve gotten in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later.

Eric: Absolutely.

Phoebe: Ok.

(They kiss.)

Eric: I love the way you kiss.

Phoebe: Really?! That’s something I’m worst at! You’ll see.

(She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Brenda is on the balcony airing out something. Monica’s sitting in the living room. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey, uh, I think Brenda needs a raise.

Chandler: How come?

Monica: Because I put my head between her legs.

Chandler: Were you - to see her pants?!

Monica: They’re my pants1

Chandler: So, did you see the stain?

Monica: I was just getting into position when everything went black.

Chandler: God, she’s not stealing from us, will you let this go?!

Monica: Fine. (Brenda enters, straightens her bra strap, and heads into the bathroom) She’s wearing my bra!

Chandler: Oh dear God.

Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!

Chandler: And you don’t recognize you’re crazy?!

Monica: Here’s the plan. Ok, I’m going to leave and you’re going to look at Brenda’s bra.

Chandler: Here‘s another plan: no.

Monica: I would do it, but she thinks I’m attracted to her.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Did you not hear where my head was?! Come on, come on, we’re a team, we’re in this together.

Chandler: I’m sure a jury will see it the same way!

Monica: Do this for me. Come on. I catch you looking at women’s breasts all the time.

Chandler: You can see that?!

Monica: Do you see this?

(She makes her eyes big and opens her mouth wide to demonstrate Chandler drooling over women.)

Chandler: All right, yes, ok. I get your point. If it’s not your bra, will you just let the woman clean the apartment?

Monica: Yes!! Ok? You’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, on the lacy part, there’s a very noticeable rip.

Chandler: You need new clothes.

[Scene: Hallway outside #21. Ross knocks on the door and Ms. Verhoeven opens it.]

Ross: Hi. How’s your mother?

Ms. Verhoeven: It’s not looking good.

Ross: Oh. Oh, oh... Oh, I, uh, I bought her some bloemen. [flowers]

(Ms. Verhoeven takes them.)

Ms. Verhoeven: You’re so sweet! Would you like to come in and say goodbye? I’m sure it will mean a lot to her.

Ross: I don’t know that it would.

Ms. Verhoeven: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.

Ross: All right then.

(He enters.)

[Scene: Eric’s place. Phoebe enters. Eric’s laying on the bed.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Eric: Welcome back!

(She kisses him.)

Phoebe: Hey, should we pick up from where we left off?

Eric: Uh, I don’t know. I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon.

Phoebe: Why?

Eric: Uh, the sex.

Phoebe: What sex?

Eric: Our sex.

Phoebe: We didn’t have sex!

Eric: Well, if I didn’t have sex with you, then I had sex with someone who looked an awful lot like -

(The both realize.)

Phoebe: Ew, ew, ew!

Eric: Oh no!

Phoebe: Ew!

Eric: No, no, no!

(He gets off the bed.)

Phoebe: You, you, you had sex with Ursula?

Eric: Uh, uh, a little bit. She, she walked in, I thought she was you, we had a little kiss -

Phoebe: You didn’t realize she was wearing different clothes?!

Eric: I was just so excited to se you.

Phoebe: Aww... Ew, ew, ew!! Oh! You know what, this is too weird.

Eric: No, no, it’s not. I don’t want to lose you. It’s like what I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her when I thought she was you - Yep, it’s too weird.

Phoebe: So I guess this is it.

Eric: Yeah. Bye (they hug) It was really nice to have that. You smell just like her.

Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Brenda is wiping the coffee table. Chandler comes out of his room cautiously and sneaks behind her. He leans over her and she stares up at him.]

Brenda: What are you doing?

Chandler: I’m leaning. This is where I lean.

Brenda: Ok...

(She goes to fluff the cushions.)

Chandler: Brenda, a bee!

Brenda: What?

Chandler: Yeah, a bee has flown into your blouse and you better undo your buttons lest it sting you!

Brenda: I think I know what’s going on here.

Chandler: You do?

Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong! You’re married!

Chandler: I totally understand. Could I just see your bra?

[Scene: The hall. Monica is sitting on the step. Rachel returns from shopping.]

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Where did you get those jeans?!

Rachel: You gave them to me!

Monica: No, I didn’t!

Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it’d be ok because you’ve got a big ink stain on the crotch.

Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!

Rachel: What bra?

Monica: The pink one with the flowers.

(Rachel tugs on Monica’s bra strap.)

Rachel: You mean the one that you’re wearing?

(Brenda runs out.)

Brenda: I quit!!

Monica: Sounds about right.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel enters. Joey’s hanging a curtain in the window. There’s a crib in front of it. Aww... :-) ]

Rachel: What is this?

Joey: Oh, this was just to give me an idea, ok? I’ll put screens here so that the baby has privacy. And, and maybe a mobile over the crib. And, oh, look, here’s a baby monitor. (picks it up) Until the baby comes, we can use them as walkie talkies.

Rachel: Uh, you’re so sweet! Oh my God, and you gave the baby Hugsy!

(She picks it up.)

Joey: Uhhh... That, that, that’s just to show where the baby would go. Y’know what, why don’t I just hold onto him so that there’s no confusion?

(He takes Hugsy and puts him on Francette.)

Rachel: But, Joey, the baby is going to be crying. It’s going to be loud...

Joey: I’m loud!

Rachel: But it’s going to be up all night.

Joey: I’m up all night!

Rachel: It’s going to poop.

Joey: Hello!!!

Rachel: What about all the women you’re gonna bring home?

Joey: Look, if the woman that I bring home doesn’t want to be around the baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman. Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club!

Rachel: Joey, are you sure?

Joey: Yeah! But look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, ok? But it’ll also be really, really great. Please, Rachel, I really want you to stay.

Rachel: I want you to stay too.

Joey: Ohhh...

Rachel: Thank you. (they hug) Oh, and Joey, look at this crib, it’s so cute!

Joey: And I found it on the street.

Rachel: Are you serious? It’s in such good condition.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Wow. (messes with the cover) What’s under the cover?

Joey: I dunno.

Rachel: It’s moving.

Joey: Ooh...

(Rachel screams.)

Rachel: It’s got a tail!! Get it outta here!!

Joey: Ooh, ahhh!!

(He pulls the crib out of the apartment.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. They’re drinking wine. Ross enters.]

Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Because her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care because you got the apartment.

Rachel: Ooh...yeah...um... I think I’m going to stay here.

Joey: Isn’t that great?

Ross: What?! But you, but you - ezels!!