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Written by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Central Perk. They’re all there except for Ross. Rachel walks up to Phoebe.]

Rachel: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Huh?

Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you want to come?

Phoebe: Sure, ok, he’s kinda sexy!

Rachel: Oh no, no, I’m going to be there too.

Phoebe: Ok, so we can come up with some kind of signal. If it’s going well, you can just take off.

Rachel: Yeah, Pheebs, I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him that I’m pregnant yet.

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Cause I know he’s going to freak out and I hate it when he gets angry.

Phoebe: Oh Rachel! This is all so “Papa don’t preach.”

Rachel: Pheebs, he’s a scary guy! I mean, one time he caught me smoking and he said if I ever do it again, he’s going to make me eat the whole pack.

Phoebe: Wow! Well, I will be there!

Rachel: Thanks.

Phoebe: Gosh, I’m not going to let that man make you eat your baby! (They sit down) Op, hey, who is that guy? (they look at a guy kissing some woman) I think I know him.

Monica: No you don’t!!

Rachel: No you don’t.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica, he’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!

Chandler: Her what?!

Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party.

Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?

Phoebe: She untied his g-string with her teeth. Somebody stop me!!

Chandler: I thought we weren’t going to have bachelor / bachelorette parties. We agreed that it was a silly tradition.

Joey: A grand tradition!

Monica: I’m sorry! They surprised me! There was nothing I could do!

Rachel: Well, you could’ve untied it with your hands.

Joey: This is so unfair. The one thing I wanted to do was throw my friend a bachelor party, but, oh, I wasn’t allowed to. All we got was a stupid steak dinner.

Chandler: You went home with the waitress.

(Joey reminisces.)

Joey: Uh, yeah, that was a pretty good night.

Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You know that the two pillars of marriage are happiness and honesty!

Monica: Uh! I know giving you that book would come back and bite me in the ass!

[Scene: A restaurant. Phoebe, Rachel and Dr. Green are looking at menus.]

Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?

Phoebe: Oh, I, I don’t eat meat.

Dr. Green: It’s chicken!!

Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.

Dr. Green: I don’t understand you Lesbians. (Rachel mouths something to Phoebe) So, baby, what is new with you?

Rachel: Actually, um -

(A waiter comes with the wine.)

Waiter: Your ‘74 Lafitte, sir.

Dr. Green: ‘74?! I ordered a ‘75. That’s a magnificent wine. The ‘74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?

Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight!

(He goes off.)

Dr. Green: Oh, don’t be such a baby!

(He follows him.)

Rachel: In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.

Phoebe: And he’s right though. The ‘74 is absolute piss!

Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him, Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t.

Phoebe: Rachel!

Rachel: No, it’s ok. this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him.

Phoebe: What? So he can get mad at the baby?

Rachel: That is the baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns) Ah, everything ok with the waiter?

Dr. Green: I have no idea. I went to the bar. So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me. What is, what is new with you?

Rachel: Well, uhhh, I’m - I got TiVo!

Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?

Phoebe: It’s slang for “pregnant.”

Rachel: Phoebe!

Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?

Rachel: Uh, yes and no. Except, not no. So to sum it up, yeah!

Dr. Green: Who’s the father? Ah, no, please don’t tell me it’s her.

Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross! (He shakes his head) Daddy, I hope you’re ok with it. I mean, this is a good thing. This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a Poppy!

Dr. Green: That’s true.

Rachel: Yeah!

Dr. Green: I’m going to be a Poppy! Oh, I’m going to be a Poppy!

Rachel: Oh yeah!

(They’re both laughing.)

Dr. Green: Oh...oh...So, when is the wedding?

Rachel: Uh, hmm, who?

Dr. Green: The wedding. There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me that my first grandchild is going to be a bastard. Rachel Karen Green, tell me there’s going to be a wedding!!

Rachel: February 2nd!

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Joey, Ross and Mona are there.]

Mona: So, if was really cool seeing you lecture today.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Although, uh, it kinda seemed you were falling asleep there.

Mona: Oh, no, no. I had my eyes closed so I could, y’know, concentrate and take it all in.

Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

Mona: Umm...So, um, I gotta get going.

Ross: I’ll see you tonight?

Mona: Yeah.

Ross: Bye.

(They kiss.)

Mona: Oh, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing!

(She leaves.)

Chandler: My God, you must be good in bed!

Joey: So, you and Mona. It’s been awhile now, how’s it going?

Ross: Uh, it’s good. It’s, it’s going good. I mean, we get alone great. She, she’s so -

Joey: Hot?

Ross: I was going to say sweet, but yuh-huh!

Chandler: And she’s ok with Rachel and the baby?

Ross: Well, I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her.

Chandler: Well, you gotta be honest with her, otherwise you may think you’re going down the same path, but you’re actually going down different ones.

Joey: I’m gonna take that book and I’m gonna beat you to death with it.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Oh my God, you’re gonna love me so much! I felt so bad about the bachelorette thing, so tonight, you‘re gonna have a bachelor party!

Chandler: What?

Monica: Yeah, I got this number from a guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going into the wife hall of fame or what?!

Chandler: Honey, that’s crazy! I don’t need you to get me a stripper!

Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!

Monica: Come on, come on! It’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.

Chandler: I appreciate it, but it’s sorta creepy, y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.

Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party. Think of it as a two month anniversary present.

Ross: One year is paper but two months is a lap dance!

(Joey nods.)

Monica: Please, I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!

Chandler: Fine, fine, but I’m only doing this or you.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: And Joey.

Monica: Thank you. All right, who else do you want to invite?

Chandler: Just Ross, Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Ross: Uh, sorry, I can’t make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.

Chandler: I understand. Who would cancel an actual date just to go to a bachelor party?

(Joey’s on the phone with a girlfriend.)

Joey: I’m sorry, I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

(He gives them a thumbs up.)

[Scene: The restaurant. Phoebe and Rachel are at the table alone.]

Phoebe: I’m sorry. I can’t make it to your imaginary wedding, but, uh, I’m really busy that day. I, I, I already have a unicorn Baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Rachel: All right, all right. I, I, I panicked, I panicked. I just didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ‘74 Latour.

Phoebe: Lafitte. The ‘74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

(Dr. Green is coming back.)

Rachel: All right, here he comes. I’m going to do this. I’m going to be strong.

Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.

Rachel: Yeah.

Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book the Plaza on short notice.

Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh Daddy!!! (hugs him) Right. Daddy. I need to talk to you. Please sit down.

Dr. Green: What is it, sweetie?

Rachel: There’s not going to be a wedding. Ross and I aren’t getting married.

Dr. Green: What?

Rachel: I’m sorry, Daddy.

Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!!!

Rachel: All right, stay calm, Daddy, please.

Dr. Green: How?! How do you expect me to stay calm?!! This is unacceptable, Rachel!! And I wanna know why!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you? Am I right?!!

Rachel: Yes, yes, he says I’m damaged goods.

(Phoebe’s mouth drops open.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Chandler’s bachelor party. He’s wearing a gold crown and Joey’s wearing a gold top hat. They’re waiting for the stripper.]

Joey: So, uh, you nervous about getting married?

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: Look, let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party, ok? Like, before your wedding. It’ll be more fun.

Chandler: I can‘t believe tomorrow’s the big day.

Joey: How’s it feel knowing you’re never going to be with another woman again? Knowing you’re going to wake up to the same face every day, until you’re finally going to have the sweet release of death?

Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun.

(There’s knocking on the door.)

Joey: It’s her. Ok, come on!

(They open the door.)

Stripper: Hi.

Chandler: Hi.

(Joey blows his noisemaker.)

Stripper: So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?

Joey: Oh, that, that, that’s me!

Chandler: That’s me.

Joey: Joey Tribbiani. (shakes hands) Big fan.

Stripper: So that’s the bedroom?

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, right over there.

Stripper: Whenever you’re ready.

(She goes in.)

Chandler: That was weird.

Joey: Why, why would she go in the bedroom?

Stripper: I’m waiting!

(They go in and immediately come out.)

Chandler: So she’s a -

Joey: Yep, that’s one naked hooker!

[Scene: Ross’s place. He’s having wine with Mona.]

Mona: I love your place! (picks up a statuette) Where’s this guy from?

Ross: Uh, that’s an 18th century Indian artifact from Calcutta.

Mona: Oh, so, you’re more than just dinosaurs.

Ross: So much more.

(They kiss and Mona kicks over the Indian thing.)

Mona: Oh, oh my God. I’m so sorry!

Ross: It’s all right. It’s from Pier 1. (They continue to kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door) Sorry.

(He opens it; it’s Dr.Green.)

Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and not marry her?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!

Ross: Y’know, this is actually not a good time for me...

[Scene: Ross’s place. Continued.]

Dr. Green: So?! Come on. Explain yourself, Geller!! (slams the door) First you get my Rachel pregnant -

Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!

Ross: Who did?

Dr. Green: You did!!

Ross: (to Mona) Yes. Yes, yes, I did, but it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.

Dr. Green: Oh really?! That’s what my daughter means to you, nothing?!

Ross: (to Dr. Green) Oh, sir, she means a lot to me. I love, I love Rachel.

Mona: What?!

Ross: (to Mona) Not that way. I mean, I mean, I’m not in love with her. Like, a like a friend.

Dr. Green: Oh really, that’s how you treat a friend, you get her pregnant! And then you refuse to marry her?!

Ross: Hey, I offered to marry her!!

Mona: What?!

Ross: (to Mona) I didn’t want to...

Dr. Green: Well, why not?! So you can spend you time with this tramp?!

Mona: Tramp?!

Ross: Oh. I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Continued.]

Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!

Joey: Wait, wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do!

Chandler: Could be. I mean, technically, she did strip. We just, we just missed it. Ma’am? Are you also a stripper?

Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Here’s the extras: handcuffs, spanking -

Chandler: No, no!!

Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know, getting her own husband a hooker? That’s funny.

Chandler: That is funny. Maybe for my birthday, she’ll murder someone.

Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean, he was conveniently busy.

Hooker: Would you mind if I smoke in here?

Chandler: Oh, actually, oh - all right, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway.

[Scene: Ross’s place. Still continued.]

Mona: How could you have kept all this from me?

Ross: I was going to tell you but -

Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you were going to get what you wanted and then you’d dump her like you dumped Rachel?

Ross: I didn’t dump Rachel!! (to Mona) Nor are we still together. (phone rings) Oh, uh, can I just - ? (Dr. Green doesn’t move) Why don’t we just let the machine get that?

Joey: (on the answering machine) Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker here and I thought maybe you’d know something about it.

Ross: No! No! No! No!! I, I, I need to lie down.

(He sits on the couch.)

[Scene: The kitchen at Allesandro’s. Monica is at work.]

Stu: So? Tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party?

Monica: Hey! Thanks for giving me that girl’s number.

Stu: Say, who’s the party for?

Monica: My husband.

Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?

Monica: She’s a stripper.

Stu: No, she’s a hooker.

Monica: Is that what they call strippers sometimes?

Stu: If they’re hookers.

Monica: Oh my God, Stu! I, I can’t believe you did this!! Are you sure she’s a hooker?!

Stu: Either or she’s the best, most expensive date I’ve ever had.

(Monica takes off her chef uniform and runs out the door.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s.]

Joey: Maybe she meant to get you hooker.

Chandler: Why would she do that?

Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. You know...Is there anything you’re bad at, you know, sexually?

Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever.

Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long?

Joey: In a minute!

Chandler: In a minute?! What’s going to happen in a minute?!

Joey: Maybe you should just ask her to leave.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Hey, it’s your bachelor party.

Chandler: Which is why you should do it.

Joey: I don’t want to. You do it!

Chandler: You do it!

Joey: You do it!

Chandler: All right, rock, paper, scissors, who has to tell the whore to leave...What?

Joey: I miss this.

Chandler: I don’t think we’ve actually done this before!

Joey: No, no, no, no, I miss hanging out with you.

Chandler: Well, we, we still hang out.

Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me, we used to be inseparable. Oh, now, it’s like, things are different.

Chandler: Well, you know, things are different. I’m married now.

Joey: And, hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for you guys. But I miss, I miss hanging out, just us. Y’know?

Chandler: Yeah. I miss that too.

Joey: Ok.

Chandler: I’ll tell you what. From now on, we’ll make time to hang out.

Joey: You got it. Come here!

(They hug and the hooker comes out wrapped in a sheet.)

Hooker: Oh God. Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.

(Monica comes running in.)

Monica: She’s a hooker, she’s a hooker, she’s a - Hi. Uh, we spoke on the phone?

(They shake hands.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Phoebe and Rachel are there and Ross enters.]

Ross: So, your dad dropped by. He’s a pleasant man.

Rachel: Oh no.

Phoebe: I better go. (she goes to sit on Francette) Just over here. I don’t want to miss the fight.

Rachel: Ross, I am so sorry. Ok, I, I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person. Or, via email.

Ross: I don’t care about your dad. I care about Mona. She was there and now she’s totally freaked out.

Rachel: Oh, I’ll fix it too. What’s her email address?

(She grabs a pen.)

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: Look, I promise I’ll fix this. I swear, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll talk to her. Ok.

Ross: Thank you.

Phoebe: That’s it? You call that a fight? Come on! “We were on a break!” “No we weren’t!” What happened to you two?!

(Rachel glares at her.)

[Scene: Ross’s place. He opens the door to Mona.]

Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.

(She enters. Rachel gets up from the couch.)

Mona: Oh good, you’re here. I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.

Rachel: No, Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I am so sorry about my father yelling at you. But I heard that you totally held your own. You’re going to have to tell me how to do that.

Ross: Focus.

Rachel: Ok. Ah, but, uh, ok. Yes, Ross and I used to date. And yes, we are going to have a baby. But we’re definitely not getting back together.

Mona: How can I be sure of that?

Rachel: Well, because we drove each other crazy!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean, he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go!

Ross: I’m trying to date this woman...

Rachel: Right. But none of that compares to how kind, how gentle, how caring he is.

(She holds onto his arm.)

Ross: You probably shouldn’t touch me.

(She drops her hands.)

Mona: No, I, I, I just don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated.

Rachel: But, but, but Mona, our relationship is not complicated! We all have our baggage! You do too! Why else would you still be single? I’m so gonna leave right now.

(She goes.)

Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?

Mona: I’m not sure yet. Why didn’t you just tell me about all this?

Ross: Because, what’s going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.

Mona: Well, you still should’ve told me.

Ross: I know, and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel’s father. But I, I made a mistake. But that’s only because I really, really like you. Really.

Mona: Ok. I guess you can close the door now.

(Ross does so and they kiss. There’s a knock on the door and Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Forgot my purse. (grabs it and sees them) Aw. You guys made up. He’s a good kisser, isn’t he? I’m going!!

(Ross pushes her out and bolts the door.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. They’re in the living room.]

Monica: I swear I didn’t know she was a hooker. I mean - did you let her smoke in here?!

Chandler: Her assprint is still on your grandmother’s quilt. Do you really want to talk about smoking?

Monica: You know what? I’m going to make this up to you. I promised you a stripper and you’re gonna get a stripper.

(She turns on Let Me Blow Ya Mind and starts taking off her jacket.)

Chandler: Monica, wait.

Monica: What?

(He puts on his gold crown.)

Chandler: Carry on.

(Monica gets her hand stuck in her jacket sleeve and after a lot of tugging, gets it out.)

Monica: Ooh.. These tennis shoes are so tight. I think I’ll take them off.

Chandler: Could you not narrate?

Monica: Gotcha sailor.

(She kicks off her shoe and it breaks something.)

[Scene: Joey and Ross’s. Rachel is sitting on Francette, reading. She’s holding a phone away from her because her dad is yelling at her.]

Dr. Green: ...you’re obviously not in love with the guy...

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Oh, you told your dad the truth.

Rachel: About an hour ago.

Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?

Rachel: Yes. (she sets the phone on the counter) Bye Dad.

(They leave and Joey walks out of his room.)

Dr. Green: ...Rachel, this is unacceptable...consequences of your decision...

(He looks around for the voice and then picks up the phone and listens.)

Joey: Hey, I do too think about the consequences of my decisions!! (listens) What gives you the right to - (listens) Go to hell!!! (hangs up) Stupid guy on my phone...