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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel comes out with her hair pinned up. Joey’s reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting.]

Joey: Hey, Rach, did you know that during pregnancy, your hands can swell up to twice their size and never go back?

(Rachel stares at her hands and grabs the book.)

Rachel: Oh my God, lemme see that!!

(Joey laughs.)

Joey: You fall for it every time!

(She drops the book. Phoebe enters with a bag.)

Phoebe: Hi. Look. I brought you my old maternity clothes.

Rachel: Pheebs, that’s so sweet! (pulls out a pair of pants) Oh, those are so cute!

Phoebe: And look. See how they expand as the baby grows?

Rachel: Umm-hmm.

Phoebe: And then, after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hello. Oh good, you’re all here.

Rachel: Hi Mon.

Monica: Thanksgiving, tomorrow, four o’clock. (Joey gives her a thumbs up) And guess who I invited. Remember that guy, Will Culver from high school?

Rachel: No.

Monica: He was in Ross’s class, marching band, he was kind of overweight?...Oh, really overweight? I mean, I was his thin friend?

Rachel: Wow, I don’t remember him. Hey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?

Monica: That was Jared! Wow. I haven’t thought about him in a long time... Anyways, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go, so I invited him here.

Rachel: Oh, that’s nice.

Monica: Yeah. Oh! Will has lost a bunch of weight. I mean, he looks gooood. Ok? I mean really really gorgeous!

Rachel: Umm-hmm.

(Joey clears his throat.)

Monica: I still love Chandler.

Joey: It wouldn’t hurt you to say it once in awhile.

Monica: Ok. All right. Also, just so you know, I’m not going to make a turkey this year.

Joey: What?!

Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey -

Joey: Phoebe!!

Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.

Joey: No! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious!

Monica: All right, it’s not just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel’s having her aversion to poultry.

Joey: She is?

Rachel: Yeah. Remember when I had to leave the room the other day when you had the roast chicken?

Joey: Yeah. I thought that was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.

Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem like it’s worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. It’s, it’s a lotta work.

Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like, like Fourth of July with no apple pie. Or, or Friday with no two pizzas.

Monica: All right, fine, if it means that much to you, but there’s just going to be a ton left over!

Joey: No, no, no, no, I promise, I will finish that whole turkey.

Monica: All right. You’re telling me that you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?

Joey: Yes. Cause I’m a Tribbiani. This is what we do! I mean, we may not be great thinkers or world leaders. We don’t read a lot, or run very fast, but dammit, we can eat!!!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Chandler’s watching football on FOX. It’s Green Bay vs. Detroit and the score is 10 - 3. Monica is making Thanksgiving dinner.]

Monica: Sweetie, isn’t it weird to think about how next year at this time, there’ll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around and stares at her) Rachel’s. But good to know where you’re at.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving.

Monica: You too!

Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?

Monica: Actually, there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game and I really don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins?

(She places them on the table.)

Phoebe: Sure.

Monica: I gotta go across the hall to check on the yams.

Phoebe: Ok.

(She starts folding.)

Monica: No, no, no, sweetie. Not like that. We’re not at a barn dance. You gotta - you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time?

Phoebe: Yeah, it all just comes screaming back to me. (Monica leaves) So how’s the game?

Chandler: I have no idea.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have to help out with stuff.

Phoebe: I don’t believe you!! That is...brilliant! And Monica has no idea?

Chandler: Nope. Every once in awhile, I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.

(Monica enters so Chandler yells at the TV.)

Monica: Is your team winning, hun?

Chandler: Oh yeah. Anderson just scored again. (to Phoebe) There is no Anderson.

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna get in on this. Hey, Mon, I don’t think I can help you after all. I didn’t realize this game was on.

Monica: I didn’t know you liked football!

Phoebe: Well, normally I don’t, but (looks at the TV) Green Bay is playing.

Monica: You like Green Bay?

Phoebe: Well, it’s like my favorite bay!

(She goes to watch the game. There’s a knock on the door and Monica opens it. It’s Brad Pitt...I mean, Will, with a pie.)

Will / Monica: Hey!

(They hug and the audience starts screaming.)

Will: Happy Thanksgiving.

Monica: Aw, thanks! God, Will, I can’t believe you came! You just, you look great! You lost like -

Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m going to be in one of those Subway Sandwiches commercials.

(He enters.)

Monica: A pie!

Will: All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no dairy, it’s no good, throw it out!

(It’s left on a table.)

Monica: Ok. I want you to meet some people. This is my husband, Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.

(He gets up.)

Chandler: Hey. I’d shake your hand, but I’m really into the game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego is we didn’t stand right next to each other.

(He sits back down.)

Monica: This is Phoebe.

Will: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey. (turns back around) Wow! (to God) Well done.

Monica: You wanna give me a hand?

Will: Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look. You look stunning.

Monica: Well, you look incredible too. You’re so fit!

Chandler: I may be watching the game, but I’m not deaf!

Monica: Oh, um, I meant to tell you, um, Ross is coming.

Will: Ross is coming. Great. I love Ross.

Monica: Oh good. And Rachel Green too.

Will: Oh.

(He makes a face.)

Monica: Is there a problem?

Will: Nope. It’s ok. It’s just, uh, God, I hated her.

Monica: What?

Will: Yeah. I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, that was a long time ago. I’m in a good place. And it might actually be fun to see her again. Any cakes or cookies or something? (looks around) No, Will, no!!

Chandler: Y’know, it’s been awhile since we’ve screamed something. Maybe we should.

Phoebe: Oh, ok.

Phoebe / Chandler: NO!!!! / Oh come on!!!

Phoebe: Damn you ref, you burn in hell!!!!!

(Joey enters with chips.)

Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room. You’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat.

Joey: You don’t know how the human body works. I gotta warm up my stomach first. Eating chips is like stretching.

Monica: Ok.

Joey: Don’t worry. I never get full.

Will: Actually, I agree. And I’m here to tell you something, my friend, you can eat and eat and eat, but nothing can ever fill that void.

Joey: Who the hell is this guy?

Monica: Will from high school. Joey, Will.

Joey: Oh.

(They shake hands. Ross enters.)

Ross: Will!

Will: Ross!

Ross: You came! Man, you look incredible! Hot stuff! (they hug) “Hot stuff”?

Will: It’s good to see you, man.

Ross: You too! So, what are you up to?

Will: I’m a commodities broker.

Ross: Really.

Will: Yeah.

Ross: That sounds interesting.

Will: Yeah, it’s not.

Ross: Ok.

Will: But I’m rich and thin!

Ross: Ok, man, I don’t think I’ve seen you since Lance Davis’s graduation party!

Will: It was such a fun night!

Ross: It would’ve been better if we had gotten in, but it was still fun.

Will: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah.

Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were?

Ross: (laughs) Yeah...

Will: So what, so what do you do now?

Ross: So how long are you in town?

(Rachel enters with the yams.)

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Hey sweetie.

Rachel: There you go.

Will: Rachel Green.

Ross: Oh, that’s right. Are you going to be ok?

Will: It’s ok, Ross, but I hate her, God, I hate her!

(He starts to squeeze the flower decoration hanging on the wall.)

Ross: Ok. Will, high school was a long time ago.

Will: Look at her standing there with those yams. (Cut to Rachel, then back to them) My two greatest enemies, Ross, Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

(Cut to Rachel)

Rachel: Oh my God, Monica, who is that?

(Monica turns around.)

Monica: That’s Will from high school.

Rachel: I do not remember him! Wow! He’s really got that sexy smoldering thing going on. (Cut to Will, then back) Oh my God, he’s - look at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something at me but I can’t make it out.

(Cut to Will mouthing “I hate you”.)

Monica: Ok, dinner’s ready!

Chandler: Yeah, good game!

Phoebe: Ok!

(They get up and Phoebe turns off the TV.)

Chandler: Solid effort, solid effort.

Monica: Oh, then who won?

Phoebe / Chandler: Green Bay / Detroit.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Well, the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay...Mermen.

(They sit down and Will goes over to Rachel.)

Rachel: Hi! Will, right? Hi, I’m Rachel Green.

Will: Um, I remember you.

Rachel: Really?!

Will: Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Oh, you’re so sweet. I gotta tell you though, I am having, I am having the hardest time placing you! Oh! Oh! I think I remember you! Did we, did we fool around at Lance Davis’s graduation party?

Will: You were unbelievable!

Rachel: Thank you!

Monica: Uh, Rachel, Rachel, why don’t you sit here and Will, you sit way over there.

(They do so. Monica puts a chicken on the table.)

Joey: That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me, I can eat that, no problem. At least give me a challenge!

(Monica laughs.)

Monica: This is Chandler’s chicken. (she puts a big turkey on the table) This is the turkey.

Joey: Oh. How-how big is that?

Monica: About nineteen pounds.

Joey: It’s like me when I was born!

Rachel: All right, who would like some yams?

(She holds them up.)

Will: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t ya?

Rachel: What? (Joey holds up the turkey) Oh, y’know what, can we please keep the chicken and the turkey on the other side of the table because, yeugh!

Will: *cough*Typical!*cough*

Rachel: I’m sorry, what?

Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel, who does whatever wants in her own Rachel Land.

Joey: Seriously, who is this guy?

Rachel: Um, um, sorry, do you, do you have a problem with me?

Will: Do I?! Do I?!!

Phoebe: I think you do.

Monica: Apparently, um, you were a little mean to him in high school.

Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable.

Rachel: I’m - I had no idea! I’m sorry!

Will: You should be! Screw it, bring on the yams!!

Monica: Will, you worked so hard!

Will: YAMS!!!

Monica: Ok.

(He starts spooning a huge helping on his plate.)

Rachel: Uh, Will, I just want to say to you that I’m real sorry for, for whatever I did to you in high school.

Will: Well, it wasn’t just me. We had a club.

Rachel: You had a club?!

Will: That’s right. The “I Hate Rachel Green Club”!

Rachel: Wh - oh my God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me? Who was in this club?

Will: Me and Ross.

(He points to him.)

Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.

(Rachel is in shock.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Continued.]

Rachel: So you were in an “I Hate Rachel Club”?

Will: Yes he was!

(He raises his hand to high five.)

Ross: No, no.

Rachel: So who else was in this club?

Ross: Actually, there, there was also that exchange student from Thailand, but I, I don’t think he knew what it was.

Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years and you never told me you were in an “I Hate Rachel Club”?

Will: You went out with her? We had a pact!

Ross: That was in high school. It’s not like it was binding forever.

Will: Then why’d it have the word “eternity” in it?

Rachel: Ok. (gets up) Monica, did you know about this?

Monica: I swear, I didn’t. Hey, is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door? (Ross nods) Hm. A little relieved, I got to say.

(Ross goes over to Rachel.)

Ross: Look, Rach, about that, I’m sorry, ok? I was a stupid kid. The only reason I joined -

Will: Co-founded!

Ross: Co-founded...co-founded the club was because that I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it, the “I Hate Rachel Club” was actually the “I Love Rachel Club”.

(Will stands up.)

Will: Uh, except that it was really the “I Hate Rachel Club.”

Rachel: Ok, so what, you guys would just get together and like, say mean things about me?

Will: Oh, we did a little more than that.

Ross: No, no. No, no, no, no.

Phoebe: What, what else did you do?

Will: We started a rumor.

Rachel: What rumor?

(They won’t say.)

Phoebe: Oh come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!

Rachel: Ross!!

Ross: Uh, it was no big deal. We, we, uh, said - the rumor was that, um, you had both male and female reproductive parts.

Rachel: What?!

Will: That’s right. We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl and you still had a hint of a penis.

Monica: You started that?!

Rachel: You heard that?!!!

Monica: Everyone in our school heard it!!

Chandler: Everyone in my school heard it. You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Rachel: No!!! Oh my God, this is making so much sense to me right now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me. Why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region!!

Ross: Billy Tratt is gay now, so that one isn’t really our fault.

Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me that?!

Monica: I thought that it might be true. I was afraid that you’d cry and then show it to me!

(Joey’s staring at Rachel.)

Rachel: Joey, stop that!! (hits him) There’s nothing there!! It’s not true!!!

Joey: I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof.

Rachel: Oh!!!

(She hits him and leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. A little later. Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are still at the table. Joey’s finished half the turkey. He turns it around.]

Joey: You are my Everest!

Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish it.

Joey: What? Why, what’s next? If today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Power Bar and wraps up the rest and puts in in the fridge?! No! No, I just, I just, I just gotta change my pants. (gets up) What was I thinking? Jeans have no give!

(He leaves and Rachel enters with her yearbook.)

Rachel: Ok. Ok. Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my high school yearbook. (reads) Dear Rach. You’re such a great person. Not girl, person!

Ross: Rach, I think you’re just reading a little too much into it.

Rachel: (reads) Dear Rach. You’re a great person. Sorry about your teeny weenie.

(She slams it shut and Will laughs.)

Ross: Well, what do you want me to do? You want me to call every person in the entire school and, and tell them it wasn’t true?

Rachel: Yes!

Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?

Monica: Oh! Me too!

Ross: Oh, look, look, I’m not calling anybody. It was like a million years ago.

Rachel: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people I was half and half!! You know what, I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.

Monica: That’s not totally true.

Rachel: What?

Ross: What?

Monica: You, you, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Alden, our fifty-year-old librarian.

Monica: It’s true?!!

Ross: No...

Rachel: Yes, it is!! I saw you two going at it behind the card catalog.

Will: Mrs. Alden? She also made out with Takaka Kaikek the night before he went back to Thailand.

Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school, you made out with a fifty-year-old woman?

Ross: She didn’t look fifty!!!

Chandler: Did she look sixteen?

Rachel: Oh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook, actually. Oh!

(She points her out.)

Phoebe: Wow!!

Ross: She didn’t photograph well!!

Chandler: Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the procedure, having to spend most of her life sitting for oil paintings.

Phoebe: So, how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early bird dinner?

Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her Word Jumble and one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender! May she rest in peace.

Monica: Didn’t she walk with a cane?

Ross: ONLY WHEN IT WAS DAMP!!!! I can’t believe you, you told people about this! Everybody knew?! Y’know what, I’m back in the club!!

Will: Yes!

(They high five.)

Phoebe: I wanna join!!

Rachel: Wh - Phoebe!!

Phoebe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I never got to be in a club. I didn’t go to high school But three of us would meet behind the dumpster and learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel: All right, fine!! You guys can have your stupid little club, but I gotta say what you did to me was way worse than what I did to you!! You gave me a teeny weenie!

Will: Yeah...yeah...

Monica: Listen! You’re just being silly! Even with that rumor, Rachel, you were still one of the most popular girls in school. Everyone wanted to be like you. One girl even wanted to be like you so much, she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!

Rachel: Oh...

Monica: And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor, I mean, no one in high school would never know who you were! She put you on the map!

Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.

Monica: Hey, Mrs. Alden was the kind of woman where you could tell she used to be pretty.

Ross: The eyes did still sparkle.

Monica: Hey guys, this stuff is just so way in the past! You’ve been through so much since then! And right now, you’ve got so much going on in your life! Can’t you just let this go?

Rachel: She’s right.

Ross: Yeah. I mean, we are having a baby together...

Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?

Ross: Yeah.

Will: Are you getting married?

Ross: No.

Will: You knocked her up, but you’re not going to marry her. Dude! (puts up his hand to high five but Ross doesn’t want to. He turns around) Anybody!

Phoebe: Ok! (hugs him) It’s exactly how I imagined it would be.

(Joey enters, wearing the maternity pants.)

Joey: All right, where is that turkey?!

Phoebe: Joey, those are my maternity pants!

Joey: No, no, these are my Thanksgiving pants!

(He sits down and resumes eating.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Joey has devoured the entire turkey.]

Joey: Well, that’s it. (throws down his fork) I’m done. Whew. Oh, here come the meat sweats.

(Chandler throws him a napkin.)

Monica: Well, Joey, we’re all, we’re all very proud of you.

Chandler: I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.

Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you now?

Joey: Well, just, nobody press on my stomach.

Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.

(Monica goes to cut the pie.)

Joey: Wh-wh-wh-what do you got there? Is that a pie?

Monica: Yeah, you want some?

Joey: Uh, just cut me a little sliver...No, a little bigger...A little bigger! What, are you afraid you’re gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!!