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Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is putting on a pair of new boots. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey. (stands up) So, what do you think?

(He stares at her.)

Chandler: New haircut? (she shakes her head) Necklace? (no) Dress? (no) Boots? (she nods) BOOTS!!!

Monica: Yes! Now, they’re a little more than I usually spend on boots. Or rent!

(Chandler looks at the receipt.)

Chandler: Oh my God!!

Monica: I know!

Chandler: I’m going to miss being able to afford food

Monica: I’m sorry. They just, they just looked so good! The saleswoman was looking at me like “oh, these are way too expensive for you!”

Chandler: She had a point!

(He holds up the receipt. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hiiii!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, Monica! Those boots are amazing!

Monica: They’re mine!!

Chandler: Well, too bad we’re going to have to return them.

Rachel: Return them?! Shh, they’re gonna hear you!

Monica: Honey, I’m not going to return them, ok? I know they cost a lot, but I’m going to wear them all the time! Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something that was so beautiful that everyone wants it?

Chandler: I have you.

Monica: Nice try! I’m keeping the boots.

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is talking to the baby.]

Ross: That’s right, I love you. And I’m going to play with you all the time.

Phoebe: How come you let him talk to you crotch like that?

(They stare at her.)

Rachel: He’s talking to the baby.

Phoebe: Oh!! Ok! Oh. Cause when, when he said, “I can’t wait for your first words,” I thought, here’s a trick!

Rachel: Ok, well, I gotta go, you guys. I’ll see you later.

Phoebe: Ok.

Ross: Bye.

Rachel: Bye.

(She gets up and Joey enters.)

Joey: Oh, hey, Rachel, listen, hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Can you do me a favor? I was talking to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren -

Rachel: No way. I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison, it is a big waste.

Joey: No! No, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina. She’s really interested in fashion and she wants to talk to someone who’s successful for some advice.

Rachel: Well, she could talk to one of my supervisors.

Joey: No, no, no, no. She wants to talk to you.

Rachel: Really? Oh my God, I’m successful!!

Joey: Ok, so will you meet with her?

Rachel: Yes, I’d love to! Have her come by the office.

Joey: Great. Thanks. You’re gonna love her so much. Oh, and she’s the smartest of all the Tribbiani children.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Oh, yeah. You know the SATs?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: She took ‘em.

(Rachel leaves.)

Phoebe: Hey, Ross, doesn’t Ben go to Smithfield Day School?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!

Ross: Yeah, I know. He’s in Ben’s class.

Phoebe: You know this and you never said anything, with all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!!

Ross: Fine. No more dinosaur stuff. (Joey’s about to sit down) Can I talk about fossils?

(Joey groans and goes somewhere else. Phoebe continues to read the magazine.)

Phoebe: Sting’s son, seven years old, and there’s a picture!

Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnapper’s Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?

Phoebe: No, it’s New York Magazine. It’s an article about the best schools in the city. How well do you know Sting?

Ross: Well, actually, I haven’t met him.

Phoebe: Uh huh. Well, that’s too bad. He’s having a concert this Friday night, but it’s totally sold out. I know! Why don’t you meet him and get tickets? If you get two, I’ll take you.

Ross: Well, actually, I’m picking Ben up tomorrow. Maybe he’ll be there.

Phoebe: There you go! Uh! You’re so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow. That’s why you have kids!

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel and Chandler are there. Monica enters, wearing the boots.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hi.

Rachel: Hi, Monica. Hi boots!

Monica: See, Chandler, I’m getting a lot of use out of them already. They’re very practical. I can wear them with skirts, with dresses and with pants.

Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street and earn the money to pay for them.

(She slaps his butt as he walks by.)

Phoebe: Wow, they’re beautiful!

Monica: (about to cry) They hurt so much!

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!

Rachel: Well, give them to me. I haven’t felt my feet in years.

Monica: I can’t. I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I’d wear them all the time. I can’t give them away.

Phoebe: Well, then get your money back and return them.

Monica: I can’t do that either. The soles are already a little scuffed up and the, the insides are filled with my blood!

Rachel: Ohhh...

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: I, uh, I just picked Ben up from school.

Phoebe: Oh.

(Chandler looks around.)

Chandler: I don’t think you did a very thorough job!

Ross: I dropped him off at Carol’s. Anyway, it turns out that I’m not going to get those tickets though.

Phoebe: Oh no. Why not?

Ross: Well, it turns out Ben and Sting’s son do not get along.

Phoebe: Why not?

Ross: Apparently Sting’s son made fun of the fact that Ben’s mom are Lesbonims.

Phoebe: Oh great! Ross! If they don’t get along, then you should smooth things out. Make them be friends.

Ross: You, you can’t force kids to be friends.

Phoebe: Yes, you can. Give them some blocks. Put them in a playpen.

Ross: Playpen?! Ben’s seven!

Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! He’s really small. Please, please get the tickets.

Ross: Look, I, I’m sorry, Pheebs. I just can’t do it.

Phoebe: Yes, you can. Sting said so himself.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: (sings) Ross can...

Ross: Look, Pheebs, I’m sorry...it’s just that -

Phoebe: (louder) Ross can!

Ross: Phoebe, I -

Phoebe: Ross can give me the tickets. Ross can give me the tickets!!!!!

(Ross leaves.)

[Scene: Rachel’s office. Joey leads Dina in.]

Joey: There she is! The fashion superstar!

Rachel: Joey, I’m hardly -

Joey: My little sister, Dina!

Rachel: How are you today, Dina?

Dina: Thanks so much for meeting with me. Joey’s told me so much about you!

Rachel: Aww...

Joey: It’s so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fas...cists get down to business.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: Ok. All right, Dina. Let’s talk about the different areas of fashion you could be involved in. Well, there’s design, but you may need another degree for that. There’s, there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel -

Dina: Listen, I don’t care about fashion. I, I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!

Rachel: And there’s marketing...

[Scene: The hallway. Monica sits on the step to take off her shoes and put on the boots.]

Monica: Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, ooh...ooh, ooh! A-a-a-ahhh!!

(Chandler opens the door.)

Chandler: What’s going on?

Monica: Oh, I was just, I was just yawning.

(She yawns, which sorta sounds like a cat... She goes in.)

Chandler: Oh, don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight.

Monica: Honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing, do we?

Chandler: Sweetie, I know that you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots! See, every cloud has a...supple leather lining.

Monica: I, I, I don’t think that I want to wear the boots tonight.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Well, I’m just worried that your bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or your assistant will see them and, and want a raise.

Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pressing company?

Monica: Anyway, I picked out this outfit I want to wear, and, and the boots don’t really go with it.

Chandler: You said you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses and pants.

Monica: If you want me to wear the boots, I’ll wear the boots. In fact, I’ll go into my room right now, and try the outfit on! Ooh-whee! Christmas party in my boots!

(She runs to the room.)

[Scene: The hall. Rachel is returning from work, with Dina.]

Dina: hey, I can’t go in there. I can’t tell him!

Rachel: It’s going to be ok. He has been incredibly supportive of me. If he gets a little upset, that’s what the meatball sub is for.

(She hands it to her.)

Dina: Thank you.

Rachel: Ok.

(They enter.)

Joey: Hey! It’s my fashion girls!...What’s wrong?

Rachel: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.

Joey: Oh, what, what’s going on? Is it Mom? Is she sick? Is it Dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich?

Dina: Joe, Mom and Dad are fine.

Joey: Is that a sandwich?

Rachel: Joey, there’s something that you should know. Dina?

Dina: I’m pregnant.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Now! Give him the sandwich, give him the sandwich!

(She throws it at him.)

Joey: Well, that’s, that’s obviously a mistake. You can’t be pregnant because you have to have sex to be pregnant.

Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was twenty-five, like you did!

Rachel: What?! Dina -

Joey: Stop!! I can’t believe this! You’re the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?

Dina: Bobby Korso. But he’s a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He’s really funny.

Joey: You got pregnant for funny? Dina, if he’s funny, laugh!!! I’ll be back in a little while. You stay here!

Dina: Why, where’re you going?

Joey: I can’t look at you right now!

(He leaves.)

Dina: Wow.

Rachel: I know.

(Joey re-enters with his hand over his eyes and gets the sandwiches. He leaves again.)

[Scene: A hallway at the Smithfield Day School. Phoebe approaches Ben at the water fountain.]

Phoebe: Oh, there you are, Ben.

Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?

Phoebe: Well, when I heard that you were having a problem with one of the boys in your class, I thought I would just come here, sit you both down and have a talk and make it all ok. Now, uh, the boy’s name is Sting’s son.

Ben: Jack? I hate him. He’s a jerk.

Phoebe: No. Sometimes, people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.

Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there.

Phoebe: ???

(She starts looking at the kids for Jack. A teacher walks up to her.)

Teacher: Excuse me. Can I help you with something?

Phoebe: Yes, yes, you can. I’m looking for Jack’s parents.

Teacher: Are you with one of the students?

Phoebe: Uh huh, I’m with Ben.

Teacher: Are you one of Ben’s mothers?

Phoebe: I am one of Ben’s mothers. I’m a Lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.

Teacher: Well, hi. I’m Jenny Boone. (they shake hands) I’m a new teacher here. I’ve only met your partner, Carol.

Phoebe: Ah. So that would make me Susan.

Jenny: Right. Are you looking for Jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s been having with Ben? Because I really do think the parents should sit down together and have a conversation.

Phoebe: We should do that!!! We should sit down and talk. Just me, my lover Carol and the Stings. Um, how, how will I get in touch with them?

Jenny: Their number is on the contact sheet.

Phoebe: Uh huh, uh huh. Can I get another copy of that? Cause Carol threw it out. She lost ours. She’s such a scatterbrain. But what a hot piece of ass.

(Jenny leads Phoebe into her office.)

[Scene: The street. Chandler and Monica are walking home after the party.]

Chandler: Y’know, that party wasn’t bad.

Monica: Yeah. I didn’t know there would be dancing. What a fun surprise!

Chandler: Well, I’m seeing no cabs. Maybe we should just walk.

Monica: We can’t walk.

Chandler: It’s fifteen blocks to the subway. Let’s go.

Monica: Hey, do you think we can get to the subway if we just climbed through that manhole cover?

Chandler: What’s going on?

Monica: I can’t walk, ok, ok? These boots were a huge mistake. Chandler, you were right. I never should have bought them. They’re killing me, one toe at a time!

Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right...It’s oddly unsettling.

Monica: How are we going to get home? Maybe a piggy back ride?

Chandler: Hop on.

Monica: Ok, just give me a second. I need to just get my boots off first. (she starts taking off her boots) Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh God! Oh, oh, oh...ohhh...

Chandler: Honey, I know you’re in pain right now, but I’m a little turned on.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Dina is reading Pregnancy For Dummies.]

Dina: Do you ever worry that you’ll be like walking and your baby will just slip out?

Rachel: What college was that, Dina?

(Joey enters, dragging Dina’s boyfriend, Bobby, in.)

Dina: Oh my God, Bobby!

Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.

Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Just what needs to be done! (serious voice) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in -

Rachel: Oh, Joey, this is crazy!

Joey: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking to God!! All right, where were we? So you, Dina, take this man -

Dina: No!

Joey: Oh, you’ll take him.

Dina: No, I won’t!!

Joey: You don’t get a say in this!

Dina: Yes, I do!

Joey: Ah! “I do”. We’re halfway there. Do you -

Rachel: Joey, all right!! Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, this is not legal! They, they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses...and the groom only has on one shoe.

Bobby: He, he took the other one off and hit me with it.

Joey: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Rachel: You are supposed to realize that they are both adults and they can make their own decisions.

Joey: No, they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!!

Rachel: Hey!! Contraceptives are not always effective, right?

Bobby: Well, we kinda didn’t use any.

Rachel: Oh come on, kids, a little help here?

[Scene: Sting’s living room. Close up on a picture of him and his wife, Trudie. Zoom out to Phoebe looking around.]

Phoebe: This place is incredible! (picks up a blue pen) Sting’s pen... (puts it in her bag) that he gave to Phoebe. (gasps) Come on, secret passageway!

(She starts pulling on books on the shelf. Trudie comes downstairs.)

Trudie: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Trudie: I’m Trudie. You must be Ben‘s mom.

Phoebe: Uh huh. Why else would I be here?

Trudie: Won’t you sit down?

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Trudie: Jack and Ben haven’t been getting along lately.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Trudie: Usually there are two sides to this story, but all I’ve heard is “Ben is a bit of a poopoo head.”

Phoebe: Um, I, I’m sorry. Won’t, won’t Jack’s father be joining us?

Trudie: Jack’s father’s not available.

Phoebe: Um hmm. Um, could we reschedule for, um, say Friday night, eight o’clock?

Trudie: No. That wouldn’t work. My husband’s in concert.

Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That might just put you in quiet a pickle. Because, you see, I’m very busy before and after the concert and he’s obviously busy during.

Trudie: So I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.

Phoebe: Unless! Unless, um, ok, I would be willing to go to the concert, all the while thinking about the children.

Trudie: Are you here for tickets?

Phoebe: Thank you, four would be great.

Trudie: I’m not giving concert tickets for someone who used their son like this!

Phoebe: Oh! You’re in luck! Ben’s not my son!

(Trudie gets up.)

Trudie: Look. I just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Now, the police will be here.

Phoebe: The police? Here? A reunion?

(She gets a disposable camera out of her bag.)

[Scene: The street. Chandler’s carrying Monica on his back.]

Chandler: Ok. Ten blocks down. Five to go.

Monica: Oh wait. Stop, stop, stop!

Chandler: Uh, I’m sorry. Do you need a break?

Monica: My boots in tan! (points at a store window) Hey, can you get a little closer so I can see the price?

Chandler: I can see it from right here. It’ll cost you one husband.

Monica: Ok, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Give me the boots.

Chandler: I don’t have your boots.

Monica: Well, I don’t have them either, where are they?

Chandler: Why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay?!

Monica: Ok! (gets down) Oh my God. We gotta go back and get them.

Chandler: Honey, seriously, are you ever going to wear the boots again?

Monica: Ok, I’m never going to wear them again. I just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye!

Chandler: You know what, you can say goodbye to the tan ones.

Monica: Ok. (gets back on Chandler’s back) All right.

Chandler: Ok.

Monica: Bye boots. Wait! Half off!!

(Chandler takes off running.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. A little later.]

Rachel: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is a disaster. Maybe they have a plan.

Joey: Oh! Oh! Ok! Let’s hear their plan. Now, what’s the future look like for Dina and Bobby?

Bobby: Well, I really have high hopes for my band.

Joey: Well, you were right, he is funny.

Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I bet when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor, they laughed at you! Now come on. Bobby, why don’t you tells a little about your band?

Bobby: Well, it’s just me and my pal Rooster. The band’s name is Numbnuts.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Dina, if you’re having a baby, you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby. (he smiles) Dude, that’s not a compliment!

Dina: Look, Joey, I knew you wouldn’t be supportive!

Joey: So, what, what, what are you going to do? You’re going to have the baby and you’re going to raise it by yourself? Without a husband? You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re going to ruin your life!!

Rachel: Excuse me! Am I ruining my life?

Joey: No, no, no, no. It’s different for you. You’re so strong and you’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Dina: Excuse me?

Joey: One pregnant woman at a time! Please! I just want you to be ok.

Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is going to make that happen?

Joey: Maybe! Well, so, so, uh, what kind of music does Numbnuts - Oh, forget it! I can’!!

Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I can do it. I just need some help. And Bobby’s going to be there the whole time.

Bobby: You bet I am. And to answer your earlier question, we’re straight up gangster rap.

Dina: Look, Rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made it for her. Why don’t you do this for me?

Joey: Because! Because you’re my baby sister!

Dina: And you’re my big brother. I mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world! I’m not even scared to tell Mom and Dad. I was scared to tell you.

Joey: Why be mad at them? [?]

Dina: I, I can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby going to have his Uncle Joey?

Joey: Of course he’s going to have his Uncle Joey!

Dina: Now I feel right. I mean, even though we’re not married, this baby is going to be so loved. And not just by us.

Joey: That’s right. By his uncle too.

Bobby: And by you.

Rachel: Uh, Bobby, why don’t you just come over here and let them have their little moment, ok?

Joey: Come here!

(They hug. Bobby extends his arms for a hug too.)

Rachel: No! Seriously, what’s wrong with you?!

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Ross are there.]

Ross: You’re going to love me so much. I got Sting tickets!

(He holds them up.)

Phoebe: Oh, I do love you!

Ross: Well, let’s just say (singing in a high voice) Ross can!

Phoebe: Oh! Where are the seats?

Ross: Uh, middle balcony.

Phoebe: Ok. Now, would you say that is more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife or any member of his family?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Then that’s not breaking the law! I’m there!!!

Ross: Yeah!