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Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

With excerpts from episodes transcribed by: Eric Aasen and Josh Hodge

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Rachel enters. Joey, Monica, Ross and Chandler are there.]

Rachel: Hi.

All: Hey.

Rachel: So I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest puzzle and guess who’s the clue for 3 Down.

(She hands it to Joey.)

Joey: 3 Down. Days of Our Lives star, blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! Hey!

Monica: How cool is this? I know 3 Down. I’m touching 3 Down.

Joey: Sure, baby...

Monica: 3 Down knows I’m married. What’s 3 Down doing?

Joey: Sorry.

Rachel: So, did they call you to tell you your name’s going to be in this?

Joey: No. They really like me over there though. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no.

Ross: Why’d you say no?

Joey: Remember the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines and then they writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft? Who knows what I’m going to say this time.

Chandler: If only there were something in your head to control the things you say.

Joey: I know.

Rachel: Oh, come on, Joey, you will really in check this time. Plus, you know, the publicity will be really good for your career. I mean, you deserve it. And if you do the interview, you could mention, I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green?

Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled “L-O-S-E-R”?

Rachel: You don’t listen to him. Please?

Joey: Fine. I’ll do the interview. But you guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if, you know, I start to say something stupid.

Ross: Is that just then or all the time, because we have jobs, you know?

Rachel: Come on, we will be there the whole time. Just remember, gal pal Rachel Green. (excited) I’m going to be in Soap Opera Digest and not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. Seriously, proud of you.

Joey: Yeah...

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and his interviewer, Shelley, are sitting at a table.]

Shelley: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

(She sets up the recorder.)

Joey: Oh not at all. Happy to do it.

(Monica, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are on the couch, looking up at them.)

Monica: Do you think we’re being obvious?

Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. ...who talk like this.

Shelley: I’m so glad that you decided to meet here. You know, when most people hear that the magazine is paying for it, they want to go to a big, fancy restaurant.

Joey: Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying. It wouldn’t have mattered. I’m doing this for the fans, not the free food.

Gunther: Can I get you anything?

Shelley: I’ll have a cup of coffee.

Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Ssh, we’re not talking.

Phoebe: Oh, finally!

(She sits back and relaxes.)

Shelley: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a lot of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything that you’re particularly proud of?

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW The Butt. Joey is onstage in Freud!]

Joey: (singing) All you need is a dingle! What you envy is a schwang! A thing through which you can tinkle, to play with, or simply, let hang!

(He starts dancing funny.)

[TOW The Metaphorical Tunnel. Joey’s Milk Master thing on Amazing Discoveries.]

[TOW The Screamer. Joey is doing his unusual play.]

Lauren: So this is it? Victor?

Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)

Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)

[TOW Phoebe’s Husband. The gang, including Julie, are watching Joey’s porn movie at Ross’s place.]

Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.

Chandler: Nice work my friend.

Joey: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am...

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: Well, there are so many things that it’s hard to pick just one.

Phoebe: I’m going to get a coffee. Does anyone want anything?

Rachel: Oh, yes. I’d actually like a blueberry muffin and chamomile tea.

Ross: I’d like a double latte, extra foam.

Chandler: [something]

Phoebe: (cuts him off) Guys, I was just being polite.

Shelley: Oh, how about when you’re not working? What do you do in your spare time?

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW Phoebe’s Cookies. Rachel and Joey are on the Mr. Beaumont.]

Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?

Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there.

(Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)

[TOW Ross’s Denial. Monica, Phoebe, and Chandler watch Joey holding his breath.]

Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!

(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!

[TOW Ross Moves In. Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]

Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?

Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!

Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet) Isn't this a woman's hat?

Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!

(Chandler does so.)

[TOW The Free Porn. Chandler and Joey are in their apartment (#20)]

Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.

Joey: I think you’re right.

(Goes over and picks up the remote.)

Chandler: All right, ready?

Joey: One.

Chandler: Two.

Both: Three.

(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for kids.

Shelley: A mento?

Joey: You know, a mento, a role model.

Shelley: A men...to. Like the candy?

Joey: A matter of fact, I do!

(The rest of the gang try to stop him from the couch.)

Shelley: Another thing our readers want to know is how stars stay in such good shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regimen?

Joey: We stars kind of just like to eat right and get lots of exercise.

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW The Ball. Joey and Ross are throwing it back and forth at Rachel and Monica’s.]

Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

[TOW Joey Loses His Insurance. He’s laying on the floor, in pain...]

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach!

(Rolls over and shows Chandler.)

Chandler: That’s a hernia.

Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[TOW Ross Got High. Ross and Joey are listening to Rachel explain the trifle.]

Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?

Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, (Joey and Ross make impressed faces) then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, (Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong) then a little more custard...

(Cut to later. They’re eating it.)

Ross: It tastes like feet!

Joey: I like it.

Ross: Are you kidding?

Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.

[TOW Joey’s Fridge. Joey is eating everything in there.]

Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe.

Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?

Chandler: That’s still in there?!

Joey: Not anymore.

[TOW All The Cheesecakes. Chandler and Rachel are eating the cheesecake off the hallway floor.]

Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!

Chandler: Stick to your side!

Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: I don’t believe in these crazy diets, you know? Uh, just everything in moderation.

Gunther: Your muffins.

(He puts down a huge plate of muffins.)

Joey: Uh, I’ll take those to go. (to Shelley) For the kids.

Shelley: Oh. I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?

Joey: I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t have said, and believe me, that’s not going to happen today.

Shelley: Understood. So what did you say about that?

Joey: I said -

(The gang gets up and goes over to them, making a bunch of noise.)

All: Hey! / How are you? / How are you doing, man? / Hi! / [etc]

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: You guys, this is Shelley. She’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.

All: Hi.

Joey: So these are my friends.

Rachel: Hi, I’m gal pal Rachel Green. If you want the dirt, I’m the one you come to. This might be Joeys’ baby... I’m just kidding. Seriously (into the recorder) gal pal Rachel Green.

Ross: (talking into it too) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.

Shelley: I’m going to just go get this warmed up.

(She goes over to the counter.)

Monica: Joey, you’re doing great.

Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.

Chandler: Mento?!

Joey: No thanks.

(Shelley returns.)

Shelley: So, as Joey’s friends, is there something you think our readers ought to know?

Ross: Just that he is a great guy.

Rachel: Yeah. That’s going to get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well, I, I, ok (speaks into the recorder) I would just like to say Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.

Phoebe: Um, I just think that you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet.

Shelley: Ooh, I like that. What’s your name?

Phoebe: Phoebe Buffay.

Shelley: How do you spell that?

Phoebe: P as in Phoebe, H as in Hoebe, O as in Oebe, E as in Ebe, B as in Bebe, and E as in ‘ello there, mate!

Shelley: Great. Well, it was nice meeting all of you.

Ross: Yeah, you too.

Phoebe: You too.

Chandler: Thanks.

(They go back to the couch.)

Shelley: Bye. So it seems like you have a lot of friends. So who would you say is your best friend?

(They all lean in to hear.)

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW The Prom Video. Joey and Chandler are in Central Perk and Chandler has the two bracelets.]

Joey: How come you have two?

Chandler: Well this one's for you.

Joey: Get out.

Chandler: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.

Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

Chandler: That's what they'll call us.

[TOW Ross Dates a Student. Rachel and Joey are having spaghetti in their apartment. Rachel drops some on the floor.]

Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!

Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.

Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain!

Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Look!

(He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)

Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before.

Joey: I know.

(Rachel throws some of hers down.)

Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food.

(He picks it up and eats it.)

[TOW Barry and Mindy’s Wedding. Ross is at Joey’s.]

Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

[TOW Chandler’s Work Laugh. Phoebe and Joey are racing the duck and the chick.]

Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off!

(He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)

Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!

Joey: Judge rules, no violation.

Phoebe: Ohhh.

Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!

Phoebe: No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!

Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.

Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.

Joey: Yeah.

[TOW The Jellyfish. Chandler, Monica and Joey are telling everyone else what happened.]

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So...

(She looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you!

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: Uh, nope, nope, no best friends. Just a lot of good friends.

Shelley: So, you’re not back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fanbase?

Joey: I did? Me? Wow. I don’t even know any huge gay people.

Chandler: It hurts me, it physically hurts me.

Shelley: Now, off the record, you’re not...?

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW Joey’s Bag. He’s in Central Perk, explaining it.]

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

[TOW They’re Up All Night. Ross is preparing to climb down Joey, who’s hanging from the fire escape.]

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)

Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.

[TOW Chandler’s Dad. Joey and Phoebe are in Central Perk.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs!

(He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

[TOW Ross’s Teeth. Joey and Chandler are at Joey’s]

Chandler: You’re turning into a woman.

Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.

Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?

Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a woman!!!

[TOW The Nap Partners. Joey and Ross are enjoying their nap at his place...]

Joey: Great nap.

Ross: It really was.

(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: Me? Gay? No. No. But I have a number of close friends who are.

(Ross and Chandler exchange looks.)

Shelley: So, and let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.

{Begin flashbacks.}

[TOW Rachel’s Crush. Joey is teaching Rachel how to ask Joshua out.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?"

Phoebe: Oh, please!

Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?

(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)

[TOW Joey’s Porsche. He’s in the street with two women.]

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?

(Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)

[TOW Rachel’s Sister. Jill is at the door...]

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler.

(Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?

Rachel: Don’t!!

[TOW Phoebe Runs. Joey is talking to Janine.]

Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.

Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.

Janine: I don't think so.

Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?

Janine: I'm OK.

Joey: What?!?!

Janine: What?

Joey: Oh dear God!

[Scene: Central Perk, present. Continued.]

Joey: Not much to tell there. I’m really shy.

Shelley: So that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this at the beginning of next month.

Joey: Great. Thank you.

Shelley: Bye.

Joey: Bye bye. (to the gang) I did it!

All: Yeah. / Amazing, amazing.

Shelley: Oh wait. I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what’s your favorite soap opera?

Joey: Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life.

Shelley: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to learn that.

Joey: Good to know. (she leaves) So close!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. The beginning of next month. They’re all reading Soap Opera Digest in the living room.]

Rachel: Wow, I can’t believe they didn’t put in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas.

Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about it.

Monica: You slept with her, didn’t you?

Joey: A little bit, yeah.

Ross: Oh, this picture of you sure is steamy.

Joey: That’s just a little something from my huge gay fanbase.

Ross: Did you just wink at me?

Joey: Hey, you’re the one who loves the picture.