"Hurray For Hollywood"

Transcribed by Kristina Johnson

August 2001

<Scene: A theatre>

(There’s no real talking in this scene so I’ll describe it. The camera gives a close up of a man’s eyes looking around. Then cuts to a poster saying, "Coming Attractions . . . . "The Horror of HemlockHouse." The camera pans around the theatre. We see a man hop onto the stage and look around the set while holding a gun. He sits down at a desk and makes himself comfortable thinking that he is alone. Suddenly, he gasps. The camera reveals a gloved hand from behind a curtain holding a gun at him. The person with the gun shoots the man.

(Cut to Max and 99 entering from a side door.)

99: (whispering) Max.

Max: (whispering) Shh! Be very quiet 99. (She cuts in front of him.)

99: Don't slam the door. (He slams the door completely oblivious to what she just said)

Max: What did you say?

99: (shrugging) Nothing. Max, did this man, Becker, tell you exactly where he was going to meet us?

Max: No, all he said on the phone was to meet him backstage at midnight and he'd be waiting for us.

99: Look, Max, there's a light coming from the stage.

Max: Come on. (Cut to them walking in front of the light revealing a close up of their faces.)

99: I don't see him, Max.

99: Right.

Max: Now, if anything happens, we'll give the long whistle signal.

99: Max, I'm scared. Be careful.

Max: You too, 99. (They kiss tenderly)

(Max and 99 are both walking from different sides of the stage with their backs to each other. They collide and both whistle for help. They turn around and realize they just bumped into each other.)

99: Max! You scared me half to death!

Max: any sign of Becker, 99?

99: He's not backstage, Max.

Max: I don't understand it, 99. When he called me on the phone, he said it was absolutely urgent that we meet him here. He said the whole future of the United States depended upon it.

99: Did he say anything else, Max?

Max: I can't remember. Oh, wait a minute (he turns a nearby "Lazy Boy" chair and sits down, completely oblivious to the fact that Becker is sitting in it, half-dead.) Wait a minute! I know what he said. He said (he puts his hand on Becker's knee and realizes what he's sitting on. He jumps up and Becker falls out of the chair.) He said that his life was in danger.

99: Is that him, Max?

Max: I don't know. (They kneel down beside him) Are you Harlow Becker?

Becker: (groans a yes then dies)

(Max and 99 turn to each other disappointed that their contact is now dead)

Max: He called us all the way down here just to tell us that!

Chief: It took us two years to discover and destroy Kaos' communications center and they turn around and come up with a whole new set up that'll probably take us another two years to break.

Max: Of course! And the information Becker was going to tell us- that was the key! (He slams his fist on the Chief's ashtray and all of the cigarettes and ashes land on the Chief.)

Chief: a little ticked off) That's right.

Max: How was Kaos communicating with their agents before, Chief?

Chief: Through a very ingenious method. I'll show you. (He pulls out a box from under his desk filled with confetti.) Now, Max, this looks like ordinary confetti, right? (He nods) Do you know what it really is?

Max: Sure. It's a cat box.

Chief: No, Max. It’s Kaos confetti. This is how they contacted their agents.

Max: I don’t understand.

Chief: Well whenever Kaos wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they’d hold a parade. Now, the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions.

Max: How?

Chief: Green confetti meant that they should ‘go ahead with the proposed plan’. Red confetti meant ‘stop instantly.’

Max: Well that’s fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out?

Chief: Well they also used white confetti, which meant ‘Danger- leave the country immediately.’ Fortunately for us, on the day of the parade, it snowed.

Max: And they all left the country?

Chief: No, they all went to Miami.

Max: Well, how did Becker fit into all of this?

Chief: Well, it’s my hunch that Kaos hit upon a new method of contacting their agents and Becker stumbled on it accidentally. He was about to give that information to you and 99.

Max: Of course! And Kaos got to him first. (He drops his cigarette case behind the Chief’s desk and the Chief leans out of his chair to get it) Oh, I’ll get it, Chief. (He reaches over the desk and knocks the box of confetti onto the Chief’s head). Who was Harlow Becker?

Chief: All we know is that he was an actor in a theatre group run by Victor Polo. Max, have you and 99 had any acting experience?

Max: No, but I have a cousin who’s on television a lot.

Chief: An actor?

Max: Great actor! [He] sells used cars.

Chief: Harlow Becker’s wife was also with the theatre group. Of course, after the tragedy happened, she . . .

Max: She changed agents.

Chief: No. She left the play! Now, you and 99 are gonna replace them. Now don’t worry. They’re only minor parts and with a little professional help, you should be able to carry it off. I’ve arranged for the country’s foremost drama coach to give you a crash course in acting.

Max: What’s his name?

Chief: Emilio Pedechefsky.

<Scene: Max’s (excuse me) Max and 99’s apartment>

Pedechefsky: (completely overacting out the lines while walking across the room) And so I say, my fair Medisa, I retreat from the eyes that repelled me, the eyes that scorned me, and the heart that never held me. (Max and 99 are staring in awe of him. They turn to one another and applaud enthusiastically. They are cut off with . . .) And in parting, remember me not as the fool who desired to love you, but as the lover who failed me. (Max and 99 turn to each other uncertain as to whether they should applaud such a sad scene. He turns around to them and says, completely out of character . . .) You didn’t like it? (Max and 99 applaud enthusiastically again, feeling assured that applauding was appropriate for the scene).

99: Oh, it was just beautiful! Wasn’t it beautiful, Max?

Max: Oh I thought it was just superb! Is that from a play?

Pedechefsky: No, that was a verse from "Do you know the way to San Jose?" Of course, I don’t expect the two of you to be so brilliant so soon, but if only a portion of the Pedechefsky method of acting rubs off on you, you’ll be very well prepared for your mission. Now, Mr. Smart, would you like to recite something for me?

Max: Me? Oh, (sighing) okay. (He walks to the center of the living room.)(Speaking his lines perfectly) And now the purple twilight time steals across the meadow of my heart. High up in the sky, the little stars climb, always reminding me, that we’re apart. You wander down the lane and far away, a song that will not die. (Shouting) Love (he pounds his heart with his fist and winces in pain) the stardust of yesterday. The music of the years gone by.

Pedechefsky: I love it! I love it! Continue!

Max: Uh, (singing) Sometimes I wonder why . . .

Pedechefsky: (annoyed) Why are you singing, Mr. Smart?

Max: Oh, well, you told me to continue. You see, the other part was only the verse.

Pedechefsky: Now, the Polo theatre group opens at season tomorrow night with a new play entitled, "The Horrors of Hemlock House." you will be reading for the roles of Lady Fanny and Mannering, the Butler. Turn to page ninety and we’ll start.

Max: I wish I could do something with my hair (he pats his head).

Pedechefsky: Mr. Smart, don’t you think it would be a good idea if we let Mrs. Smart play Lady Fanny, you play the Butler?

99: I wish I could do something with my hair!

Max: I beg your pardon, smiles and bows (obviously mixing the stage directions and the lines together).

Pedechefsky: No! No! No! Smiles and bows are merely stage directions. You say "I beg you pardon," then you smile and bow.

Max: Gotcha.

99: I wish I could do something with my hair!

(Saying the line as if she just insulted him) I beg your pardon!

Pedechefsky: No! No! No, Mr. Smart. You say that as if she insulted you or something! Now, you are a butler- her butler, you walk into the room as she makes a casual remark about her hair and you beg her pardon for intruding!

Max: Where does it say that in the script?

Pedechefsky: It doesn’t say that in the script, but the moment calls for it. It’s the mood, the attitude, the motivation.

Max: Is that important?

Pedechefsky: It’s extremely important. Without the right motivation, you can’t possibly intrude!

Max: Then it ought to say that in the script!

Pedechefsky: (extremely frustrated) Take it from the top of the page!

(Time passes)

Pedechefsky: I promised your Chief that I would personally contact Victor Polo and recommend that he hire you. Where’s the phone?

Max: It’s right over there.

Pedechefsky: (he walks over to the phone) If you thought I did a good acting job for you earlier, (practically in tears) wait’ll you see this! (He dials) Victor Polo, this is Emilio Pedechefsky. <pause> Oh, you’re much to kind! I understand that your new production opens tomorrow night and that two minor roles are still open? <pause> Good! Well, I believe that I can do you an enormous favor. Two of my actors, infinitely talented, are available. <pause> Tomorrow at one? They’ll be there! No! Don’t bother to thank me!

<scene: Victor Polo’s theatre>

Shirtsinger: (entering) Did you get the actors yet?

Polo: Emilio Pedechefsky just called. He’s sending over two new actors to play Lady Fanny and the Butler.

Shirtsinger: So our casting problems are solved. Splendid!

Polo: Which part in the script contains the information to be given to Kaos agents out front tomorrow night?

Shirtsinger: The Butler.

<commercial break>

Shirtsinger: Look, we’ve got to get started with this run through. What’s keeping those two new actors?

Max: Bonjourno, Seniores! Pantanoules amigos. <some other Italian lines I can’t spell.>

Polo: You’re the two actors Pedechefsky recommended?

99: Yes, are you Victor Polo?

Polo: Yes. This is the author of "The Horror of Hemlock House," Carl Shirtsinger.

Shirtsinger: How do you do?

99: Well, I’m Viola Vain. And I’m sure you recognize Mr. Hollywood.

Polo: Mr. Who?

Max: Laurence Hollywood. You’re probably more familiar with my father, who was one of the greatest actors the world (shouting) the world has ever known.

Polo: I don’t think so. What was his name?

Max: Huh?

If you’re ready, we’d like to run through your scene. Charlie, be sure the prop gun for Miss Vain is in the end table drawer. All right. Clear the stage everybody. Let’s have some quiet! Any time you’re ready Miss Vain.

(99 walks on stage and begins to say her lines)

99: I wish I could do something with my hair! (Max doesn’t enter) I wish I could do something with my hair! (Still no Max) Oh, I do wonder what’s become of Mannering!

(She rings a bell to call for the butler Max comes from a door at the back of the stage, but can’t open it. He smiles at 99 to help. He then tries to walk through the parts where the glass would be. 99 hints at him to stop and tells him to go around to another entrance. He finally comes in the right entrance).

Max: (perky) I beg your pardon! (He takes off his coat and throws it knocking over- and breaking a vase.

Polo: Mr. Hollywood, you’ll be dressed as a butler, therefore you won’t be wearing a coat. Just throw it into the wings for now.

(He picks up the coat and throws it into the audience. . . . hitting Mr. Polo and Mr. Shirtsinger.)

Polo: Mr. Hollywood, If you don’t mind, let’s take it again, from the top!

99: I wish I could do something with my hair!

Max: (jumping on the stage) I beg your pardon! (He turns and smiles at Polo and Shirtsinger with pride he hasn’t screwed up yet.)

99: (aside- to Max) It’s your line.

Max: (to 99) Huh? What is it?

99: Lady Fanny, I’ve been in your employ.

Max: Lady Fanny, I’ve been in your employ for over ten years, but tonight I must give you my notice.

99: But why is that, Mannering?

(They walk over to the couch. 99 gracefully sits down while Max runs up and jumps onto the couch and sits on the arm.)

Max: (In a gangster’s voice) Last night, I saw you- (he leans back and falls off landing behind the couch. He quickly jumps back up and continues) I saw you shoot a gun at his Lordship, your late husband right after you played a game of "Go Fish," and I heard him exclaim, just as he fell, "You shot me, Fanny!"

99: (opening the drawer with the prop gun) Oh, I’m terribly sorry that you heard that, because now I must shoot you too

(she fires the gun at him and he dies- in one of the longest and elaborate dying scenes I have ever seen. He grabs his chest and starts to walk backward. He then starts wobbling toward the curtain, nearly stepping on 99’s foot. He grabs the curtain then falls back, swings by the mantle, knocking off all of its contents. He then keeps moving to the back of the stage where he grabs another curtain. He keeps stumbling along the wall of the stage knocking over a plant, pulling out books from the book shelf, knocking down a phone, breaking another vase, and falling down, knocking over a chair. He stands up, toddles over to 99, falls onto the couch, landing in 99’s lap, rolls out of her lap, falls onto the floor, stands up again, then falls down.)

Polo: (laughing) Mr. Hollywood. What in the world are you doing?

Max: I’m dying.

Polo: Could you die a little quicker? We’d like to break for lunch.

(he nods and smiles, then falls down dead- finally! A man enters from off stage.)

Man: My Lady, I heard a shot! (sees the Butler) Good grief!

99: Yes, I had to kill him. (They hug) He overheard me kill his Lordship, and I was afraid he would find out about us.

Man: Well, I’ll hide him behind the couch, and then tonight we’ll put him in the car and I’ll shove him over the cliff."

99: Oh, good! (he drags Mannering behind the couch) And now there’s nothing to stand between us and happiness. (They kiss).

Polo: Alright. Well done everyone. Mr. Hollywood, may we have a private word with you?

Max: I left out the piruet off the mantle piece bit, I thought it busied things up a bit.

Shirtsinger: How could you take it out? It wasn’t in the script to begin with!

Polo: Those physical embellishments, they really get in the way of the lines!

Shirtsinger: Mannering is a butler. He’s not Burt Lancaster! Now just do it the way it’s written. Please! (They walk away. 99 walks up to Max)

99: What do you think Max?

Max: I think that Victor Polo and Carl Shirtsinger have just made their first mistake.

99: What was that?

Max: They took out all that great stuff I added to the scene!

99: Max, I’m talking about the assignment. Have you noticed anything suspicious?

Max: Well, nothing yet. But as soon as they break for lunch, we’re gonna search the dressing rooms.

99: Right.

Max: Now, you search the men’s dressing rooms and I’ll search the women’s dressing rooms.

99: Max, don’t you think it would be better if I searched the women’s dressing rooms and you search the men’s dressing rooms? I would be less suspicious.

Max: Yes, but not as much fun.

<scene: Backstage>

(Max and 99 find a phone and call the Chief. The camera cuts to Polo and Shirtsinger in Polo’s office.

Shirtsinger: What was that?

Polo: Someone on the backstage extension. Shh! (He reaches into a drawer in his desk and pulls out a phone. He quietly picks up the extension. The camera cuts back to Max and 99)

Max: Hello, Chief? Max.

Chief: What do you have to report, Max?

Max: Well, Chief, to tell you the truth, I have a feeling this play should have opened in New Haven.

Chief: Max, I’m not concerned about the play. What Control needs to know is how Kaos is transmitting information to their agents through Polo’s theatre group. Just keep your eyes open, Max. Unless I’m wrong, some time during tonight’s performance, secret information will be transmitted to certain Kaos agents in the audience.

Max: Right, Chief. Uh, are you gonna be there?

Chief: Of course.

Max: Oh, good, where will you be sitting? I’ll wave to ya.

Chief: I don’t know where I’ll be sitting but I’ll be out there.

Max: Well, look for me in the third act. That’s when I do my big scene. I get killed.

Chief: I’ll be looking forward to it.

Max: Chief, 99 and I are leaving the theatre now. (He hangs up. The camera cuts to Polo and Shirtsinger.)

Polo: So Laurence Hollywood is a Control agent.

Shirtsinger: Well we knew he wasn’t an actor.

Polo: The irony of this is exhilarating. Whoever would have thought we’d run into a situation like this? A Control agent will be delivering Kaos information tonight!

Shirtsinger: You mean we’re still going through with it?

Polo: Of course! The set up’s ideal. Now let’s insert the code into the butler’s speech. Ten years becomes eight. Tonight I’m giving notice, we change to tomorrow night. And "Go Fish" becomes post office.

Shirtsinger: Brilliant. And immediately after the show, we kill him.

Polo: Correction. We kill him during the show. (He pulls out a gun from his belt and exchanges it with the prop gun in the drawer.)

<Scene: The performance- 99 is on stage with "Man">

Man: You were absolutely brilliant at the inquest my dear.

99: Then you don’t think they suspected me?

Man: Well you heard the verdict. Accidental death! The gun went off when his Lordship was cleaning it.

99: Oh! How long will it be before we can announce our betrothal?

(Cut to Max backstage waiting for his entrance. He is nervously smoking a cigarette and looking over his lines when Polo approaches him.)

Polo: Mr. Hollywood, there are a few last minute changes Shirtsinger’s made in your speech.

Max: Now! I’m on in a minute!

Polo: The changes are very minor. You’ll be able to memorize them in a second. (They exchange scripts).

Max: Well Shirtsinger is pretty picky isn’t he? I mean, I don’t see where these few changes improve the play or the character any!

Polo: In the theatre, the author has the last word. Your cue’s coming up (Max panics). Now remember the new lines.

99: Oh, I wish I could do something with my hair!

Max: (jumping on the stage) I beg your pardon! Lady Fanny, I’ve been in your employ for over eight years, (99 looks away, confused by the change) but tonight I must give you my notice.

99: Why is that, Mannering?

(Cut to Larrabee and the Chief in what appears to be a lobby in the theatre)

<Note: If you have the episode on tape, listen to Max and 99 in the background. That’s not the way those lines were written in the script! >

Chief: Have you discovered anything yet?

Larabee: Yes.

Chief: What?

Larabee: Smart is the worst actor I have ever seen in my life!

Chief: I know that but have you recognized any Kaos agents in the audience?

Larabee: One.

Chief: Well, I’ve spotted several. Alert our agents in the Lobby to cover every exit.

Larabee: Right, Chief.

(Cut to Max and 99)

Max: . . . . exclaim, "You shot me, Fanny!"

99: (opening the drawer to get the gun) I’m terribly sorry that you overheard that, because now I must shoot you too!

Polo: Here it comes!

(99 fires the gun, but misses- actually I don’t think she would ever really aim for Max even if the gun were just a prop but anyway…)

Shirtsinger: She missed him.

Polo: They must be onto us.

(Max falls down onto the couch and is leaning on 99 in shock)

99: Max, there are real bullets in this gun!

Max: You’re telling me.

99: Well what are we going to do?

Max: We’ve got to get off this stage.

(Polo gives Shirtsinger a cape and a hat to wear and sends him out with a gun).

Shirtsinger: I heard a shot. I see you missed him Lady Fanny, but I shall not miss.

(He aims the gun at them, but Max kicks him off and jumps up off the couch. Max wrestles him to the ground, but he gets up. Max punches him, but Shirtsinger grabs a candlestick holder from the mantle. Just as he is about to hit him with it. 99 whips out a gun.)

99: Hold it!

(Polo walks on with a gun)

Polo: No, you hold it!

(The Chief walks on with a gun)

Chief: No you hold it. You’re under arrest! Henderson!

(Henderson walks on stage with a gun to get Polo. The audience starts laughing. 99 fixes her hair and the Chief gives a big smile.)

Chief: (still smiling) Put the curtain down. The curtain! Put it down! (The curtain goes down and Max grabs Shirtsinger’s and 99’s guns.) Get his gun, Max! (They all walk up to center stage when the curtain rises. The bow, smiling. The curtain goes down).

99: You got here just in time Chief.

Max: Chief, I think I know how these two guys were passing Kaos information to their agents. Just before I went on, they changed certain words in my speech.

Chief: (That’s exactly how they did it, Max. (The curtain rises again and they bow. The curtain goes down again).

Max: Go on, Chief.

Chief: On opening night, in each city, Kaos agents were in the audience. Shirtsinger would then substitute certain words into one of the actor’s speeches. Those words were code words known only to Kaos.

99: How clever!

Shirtsinger: Thank you.

Max: Then you mean there were Kaos agents in the audience tonight.

Chief: Yes, but we got them. We made six arrests in the audience tonight.

99: Six Kaos agents?

Chief: Well five were Kaos agents. The sixth was a drama critic.

Max: Well lock him up anyway, Chief, until we see the morning papers.

Chief: Henderson, take them down to headquarters. (He takes them away leaving Max, 99, and the Chief onstage just in time for the curtain to go up again. They bow.)

Max: Chief, I think we’ve got a hit on our hands. (The Chiefs smiles and nods enthusiastically. Then realizes how pointless that comment was. The scene fades out using the puzzle pieces.)

The End!!!!