Agent 13: You're going to get killed tonight!

Agent 13: Midnight!?! Well look if I don't see you again, Happy New Year!

Floyd:  Why?  Do you sound better in the dark?

Operator: "What number are you calling?"

Max: "I'm calling Control, Operator…"

Operator: "You have dialed incorrectly. Give me your name and address and your dime will be refunded."

Max: "Operator, I'm calling from my shoe!"

Operator: "What is the number of your shoe?"

Max: "It's an unlisted shoe, Operator!"

99: Oh, Max what a terrible weapon of destruction.

Max: Yes. You know, China, Russia, and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it.

99: What if they don't, Max?

99: Sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.

Max: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold vicious and savage. . . . Not enough to be a businessman.

Max: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost 20 minutes.

Chief: I know, Max. The traffic.

Max: No, the seat belt. I can never get the darn thing unbuckled.

Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?

Admiral: Our chances are slim, hopeless. We're facing imminent disaster. I must go on the air and speak to the public.

99: What are you going to tell them?

Admiral: That everything is fine.

Max: Have you got any information to report?

Agent 13: You bet I do. It's a matter of life and death. Unfortunately I can't remember whose life or whose death.

Max: Ninety-nine, this ship is a freighter, right?

99: Right, Max.

Max: And freighters run on fuel oil, right?

99: Right again, Max.

Max: And wooden masts belong on sailboats, correct?

99: Exactly.

Max: And this is a wooden mast.

99: Go on , Max.

Max: Ninety-nine. . . .

99: Yes?

Max: I forgot where I started.