TOW Monica and Chandler’s Wedding

Ross: [Moving to sit next to chandler on the couch] You know, actually um, I’m kinda glad they are leaving cause I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What’s up?
Ross: Well, this is going to be a little awkward
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money it’s kind of a bad time, I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: It’s not that. Um, now, what I’m going to say to you I’m not saying as your friend, I’m saying it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler: But you’re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time, are you still my best man?
Ross: No
Chandler: Can I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay. You guys are getting married tomorrow and I couldn’t be more thrilled for the both of you. But as Monica’s older brother I have to tell you this - If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: [cracks up]
Ross: What, I’m serious?
Chandler: [cracks up]
Ross: Hey, dude, stop it! I’m not kidding here!
Chandler: I hear what you’re saying and thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem
Chandler: So, are we friends again?
Ross: Yeah
Chandler: you won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!

Rachel: Whacha doin’ Mon?
Monica: I’m making a list of things that are most likely to go wrong with the wedding. You know, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, ah, so far I have, my bridesmaids’ dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.
Rach: Hey, those are all the things I’m responsible for!
Mon: I had to go with the odds Rach.
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey, you guys, remember that audition I had awhile ago and I didn’t get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No
Monica: That other play?
Joey: No
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes! Listen, this is the one about the soldiers that fought in World War I.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Back then we called it “The Great War.”- it really was…
Joey: Well, anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me. I start shooting today!
Rachel/Phoebe: Congrats!
Monica: Wait, you can’t start today, today’s the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh, I’ll be done by then.
Monica: Oh, well then way to go you big movie star!
Joey: I know! Ok, I’ll see you guys over there. I’m off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait, Joey, we fought the Nazis in World War II not World War I.
Joey: Woah, well then who was in World War I?
Rachel: [clears her throat, is clueless]
Phoebe: (to Rachel) Go ahead.
Rachel: (not thinking of anything) You’re going to be late, go, go!
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes, very good.

Joey: [Takes cookies from the food table and puts them in is pocket]
Director: Hey, Joey, we’re ready.
Joey: Yeah, me too.
Director: Richard, we’re ready for you. Joey Tribianni, this is Richard Crosby, he’s playing Vincent?
Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: I can’t believe this, this is incredible, I mean, you just won an Oscar.
Richard: No…
Joey: I think you did!
Richard: I think I lost…three times
Joey: Ahh, cookie?

Director: Ok, we’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit, so ah, if you guys don’t mind can we run it a couple times?
Joey/Rich: Yeah, sure
Director: and action -
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon
Richard: We can’t find the platoon, the platoon is gone! [Obviously spitting on Joey’s face]
Joey: [Wipes his face] What?
Richard: The platoon is dead, face facts Tony (?? This was hard to understand)
Joey: [Wipes his face] So what are we going to do? We have no reinforcements, no food.
Richard: Oh, we still have food in the basement, I saw some potatoes and some dried pastors (?)
Director: Hang on a minute. Joey you keep touching your face, is something wrong?
Joey: No, no, I ah, I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing, you know, he’s a “face toucher.”
Director: I don’t think so, lets take it back to Richard’s last line – action
Richard: (spitting lots) We may not have any weapons but we still have food in the basement. I saw potatoes and some dried pastor, and a few tins of tuna.

Monica: Honey, we gotta go.
Chandler: Ok, he’s a question you never want to have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: I don’t’ have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Mon: Hey, do you realize this that at this time tomorrow we’re going to be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute , I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I can’t believe that we made it!
Chandler: You don’t’ have to sound so surprised.
Monica: Well, it’s just that, nothing (dismisses the thought).
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well, honestly, ever since we got engaged, I’ve been waiting for something to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly, me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, you know, I keep thinking something stupid is going to come up and you know, I’ll go all, well, “Chandler”, but nothing has.
Monica: I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. You know, really it’s made me stay more calm…I could’ve been worse!
Chandler: Ok, I’ll be right down.
[Monica exits]
Answering machine: (Monica’s voice) Hi, if you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler’s, but if your calling after Saturday you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for, THE BINGS!
[Chandler starts to freak out]

Monica: Hey, Marie!
Marie: Hey
Monica: Hey, Chandler, this is my cousin, Marie.
Chandler: We’re the Bings!
Rachel: Hey, you guys look so beautiful.
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Ross: Wow, Monica, just so you know, I had my older brother talk with Chandler.
Monica: What is that.
Ross: Well, I told him that if he ever hurt you, I would hunt him down and kick his ass
(the girls crack up)
Ross: What is the matter with everybody, I’m serious. I would kick his ass!
(they crack up again)
Phoebe: Oh, no, Ross, please! (Her eyes begin to water) My makeup!

Chandler: Hi
Nora Bing: Chandler! Chandler: Mom! Thanks for wearing… something (she’s wearing a very low cut dress)
Nora Bing: Oh, honey this is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh, and just think, soon there’ll be lots of little Bings.
(he gets nervous)

Monica: Mrs. Bing, these are my parents, Judy and Jack Gellar.
Judy: It’s lovely to meet you!
Jack: So are you his mother or his father?
Judy: Jack!
Jack: What, I’ve never seen one before!
Monica: Dad, there’s Ross, why don’t you go talk to him.
Jack: I didn’t even have a change to act as though I’m ok with it!

Charles Bing: (enters in a low cut black dress) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi…dad.
Monica: Hi Mr. Bing!
Charles: Nora…
Nora: Charles…
Monica: It’s so great to see you both here.
Charles: Yes, although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. (to Nora) Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my god.

Jack: Of course you could kick his ass, son.
Judy: You could kick anyone’s ass you want to.
Ross: Thanks you guys!
Monica: Oh, Rach, hey, could you do me a favor and talk to chandler’s dad and try and keep him away from chandler’s mom?
Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t know what he looks like.
Mon: He is the MAN in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress…(sees a woman in a black dress and goes to her.) Hi, I’m Rachel, I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler.
Woman: I’m Amanda.
Rachel: Ah! I get it! A-man-duh!

Ross: Could I have everyone’s attention please…I’m Ross Gellar.
Jack: Dr. Ross Gellar!
Ross: Dad, please, as I was saying, I’m Dr. Ross Gellar and I’m the best man, and this marriage is doubly special for me because not only is the groom my best friend, but the bride is my little sister, and she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the couple we’re here to celebrate- the Bings!
All: to the Bings! (Chan gets nervous again, loosens his tie)

Mon: Alright, you know, I’m going to go steam my wedding dress, ok? Who wants responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: I’ll do it
Monica: Who wants it, anybody?
Rachel: I said I’ll do it.
Monica: Nobody wants to do it…alright I do it myself!
Rachel: Monica, I’m not going to screw it up!
Monica: You know, you’re right. I’m sorry, actually you were a big help tonight and thanks for putting my grandmother in a cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!
Mon: Ok, I’m sorry.
Rachel: (to Phoebe) What grandmother?

Joey: Hey, where’ve you been?
Ross: Taking my grandparents back to the hotel. What, you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks, you know I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in my eyes.
Ross: And, if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of WWI!
Joey: Great! I’ll see you later.
Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler.
Joey: I think he’s in Rachel’s room. (Since it’s the night before the wedding, Phoebe and Rachel spent the night at Monica and Chandler’s apartment, and Chandler stayed at Joey’s)
(exits)
Ross: Knocks on Rachel’s door. Chandler, Chandler? ( Walks over to the counter, picks up a note piece of paper.) (goes across the hall and knocks on M&C’s door, Rach answers) Hey, uh, is Monica here? Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why, what’s up?
Ross: Hands her the note- I think Chandler’s gone.
Rachel: What?
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading) “tell Monica I’m sorry,” oh my god.
Phoebe: What’s up?
Rachel: (hands her the paper)
Phoebe: (reading) “Tell Monica I’m sorry…” Tell her yourself!
[Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel have moved out into the hallway]
Phoebe: Oh my god! Chandler just left though?
Rachel: Yeah, but maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s, “tell Monica I’m sorry I drank the last of the milk?”
Phoebe: Or, maybe he’s writing to tell her that he’s changed his name? You know, “tell Monica I’m ‘Sorry’”?
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that “Sorry” is sitting in there right now?! (points to Joey and Rachel’s apartment).
Rachel: Ok, Phoebe, I think Ross is right. What are we going to do?
Ross: Ok, I’m just, I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back, ok, you make sure Monica does not find out, ok.
Phoebe: Ok, but if you don’t find him and bring him back I’m going to hunt YOU down and kick YOUR ass! (points her finger at him).
Ross: [laughs, Phoebe points her finger closer to his face] I will find him!

Richard: Hey Joey, would you, uh, go through these lines with me?
Joey: Man, uh, they just re-did my make-up…
Richard: Just the last two pages
Joey: Alright
Richard: I found the picture! (spitting)
Joey: [holds his script in front of his face] Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you, uh, lower your script? I need to see your face so I can play off your reaction.
Joey: Ok, uh, look, I know you’re a great actor ok, and you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff, but your spitting all over me man!
Richard: Well, of course I am!
Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me!?
Richard: That’s what real actors do! Enunciation is the mark of a good actor, and when you enunciate, you spit! (spitting)
Joey: [wipes his face] Wow, didn’t know that! Thanks, ok, check it out. [reading from his script] Picture? What picture? (he says the lines normally, then purposely spits in Richard’s face).
Richard: [flinches]
Joey: [nods his head, gestures] Eh?? (like an, “ok, how’d I do?” sort of thing).

Ross: [runs in, Gunther is at the counter] Gunther, have you, uh, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: No, no, I haven’t seen him.
Ross: Damn.
Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes, don’t worry everything’s fine. We’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn’t invited.
Ross: Well, then, we’ll see you the day after that. [starts to walk towards the door, sees his parents having coffee] Mom! Dad! What are you guys doing here?
Jack: Well, you kids talk about this place so much that we thought we’d see what the fuss is all about.
Judy: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?
Judy: The sexy blonde behind the counter! [waves at Gunther]
Ross: Gunther?
Jack: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What, your list?
Judy: Well, the list of the people we’re allowed to sleep-
Ross: [interrupting] Yes, I know what the list is! Look, if you see Chandler, could you let him know I’m looking for him?
Jack: And if you see Rita Morino, let her know I’m looking for her!

Director: Action!
Richard: I found the PICTURE!
Joey: What PICTURE? [both are emphasizing on enunciation and spitting all over each other’s faces]
Richard: A PICTURE of my wife, in your PACK!
Joey: You went through my PERSONAL PROPERTY!?
Richard: Why do you have a PICTURE of PAULETTE in your PACK?
Joey: Because, Vincent, we were lovers. For TWO years!
Director: Cut! Wonderful!
[Joey and Richard both wipe their faces; a woman hands them each a towel]
Joey: Great scene!
Richard: You were awesome! That last speech you soaked me!
Director: Thanks a lot, here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, uh, I’m not working tomorrow.
Director: Well, you are now
Joey: Oh, no, I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I have plans, IMPORTANT PLANS! [enunciates and spits on the director who wipes his face]

Rachel: Ross says there’s still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh, man.
Rachel: Oh, but he did say they found the grandmother wandering down 5th avenue.
Phoebe: Ok, well, there’s one down.
Monica: [Runs out of her bedroom, yelling] I’m getting married today! [trips and falls down, then jumps up] I think I just cracked a rib, but I don’t care, because today is my wedding day! My day is finally here! [runs back into her room].
Phoebe: You know, she might not even notice he’s gone.
Monica: [Comes back out of the room] I’m going to start getting ready! [goes back in]
Rachel: God, we can’t let her start getting ready, this is too awful!
Phoebe: Shh!!
Rachel: Oh, but wait! She’ll be in the gown, and then he wont show up, and then she’s going to have to take off the gown! It’s just so awful!
Phoebe: Shh!! Stop it Rachel, you can’t do this here! [they walk into the bathroom]
Rachel: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just so sad!
Phoebe: You’ve got to pull yourself together, Monica can’t see you like this, then she’ll know something’s wrong!
Rachel: I know! I know! There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Oh, that’s gone too. This IS Monica’s bathroom, right? [sees some tissue in the trash can] Oh, no, I found one. [pulls it out and hands it to Rachel, who doesn’t see that it came out of the trash].
Rachel: Ok, oh, thank you. Oh, God. [wipes her eyes]. Can I have another one?
Phoebe: Sure. [Hands her another, pulls some floss out] do You need some floss?
Rachel: Oh, I just can’t imagine what is going happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!
Phoebe: Oh, here’s a whole bunch
Rachel: I mean, she’s going to be at the wedding, waiting for him, and people will be whispering “oh that poor girl!” you know, and then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone!
Phoebe: Oh my god!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage…and it’s positive! Monica’s pregnant! [Rachel covers her mouth, stares, but says nothing]…So I guess she won’t be totally alone…
Rachel: God.
Phoebe: I know! Monica’s going to have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night!
Phoebe: Oh, god, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant, the groom is missing…and I’m still holding this [throws the pregnancy test in the trash].
Rachel: Ok, Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok…Hey, wait, do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No, why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No, I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him, I talked to Chandler’s parents again…
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No, I made it seem like I was just calling to chat…I’m pretty sure they both think I’m interested in them.
Rachel: Alright, we’ve got to tell her that he’s gone.
Ross: No, hey, we can’t.
Rachel: Ross, she’s going to start getting ready soon.
Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: Alright, well, how much time do you need?
Ross: Well, how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask!?
Ross: Ok, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Ok, I’m going with you.
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: Alright, I’ll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?
Rachel: I don’t know, I’ll figure something out. Good luck. [walks into Mon’s apartment]
Monica: Hey, ok so I thought we’d start with my make-up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Ok, uh, but before you do that, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Um…[thinks]…I’m never going to get married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy’s just around the corner! Ok, are we done with that?
Rachel: No, Monica, I’m serious! Uh, maybe I should just forget about it, become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well, maybe it would make me feel better if I just slept with Joey.
Monica: Rachel! [concerned] You ok?

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? Hi, um, I’m having a little problem with the schedule. See, originally I wasn’t supposed to work today and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friends’ and I’m officiating, so I really can’t work past four.
Aaron [director]: Joey, you’ve got to stay until the end, we can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding.
Joey: I’m having surgery!
Aaron: What?
Joey: Yeah, I just made up the stuff about the wedding cause I didn’t want you to worry about me. I’m having surgery today.
Aaron: What kind of surgery?
Joey: Transplant.
Aaron: But you’re supposed to work on Monday?
Joey: Hair…transplant.
Aaron: But you’re not bald?
Joey: [pondering] It’s not on my head…
Aaron: Look, Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably going to be out by four anyway, we’ve just got one short scene, it’s just you and Richard, and God knows, he’s a pro. You’ll be fine…morning Richard [walks out].
Joey: Hey, you’re here! Great, great, great, lets get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!
Richard: [drunkenly] I’m wearing two belts!
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No.
Joey: Yes you are.
Richard: Gnah (some sort of weird noise I couldn’t really decipher).

Ross: We’re never going to find him, he’s one guy in a huge city.
Phoebe: Oh my god, is that him?
Ross: That is an old Chinese woman.
Phoebe: He could be in disguise you know.
Ross: You know, maybe we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go.
[cut to Chandler’s office, he’s there]
Ross: So, this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym.
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?
Chandler: Panicking!…and using the internet to try and prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: She’s fine, she doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, ok, now come on, we’re going home.
Chandler: No, no, I can’t do that.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re going to become “the Bings”! I can’t be “the Bings!”
Ross: What’s wrong with being “the Bings”?
Chandler: “The Bings” have horrible marriages. They yell, they fight, and they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: It’s not just their marriage, I mean, look at yours! Look at everybody’s! The only person who can make marriage work is Paul Newman. And I’ve met me, I am no Paul Newman. I don’t race cars, I don’t make popcorn, none of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look, Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this!
Chandler: I want to, I love her so much, but I’m afr—this is too huge.
Ross: You know, ok, it is huge, so why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time. Ok, forget getting married for a second. Just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Yeah, but then…
Ross: [Interrupting] We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Alright, that’s not scary.
Chandler: Depends on what you meant by we…

Rachel: The nights are the hardest, but then the day comes, and that’s every bit as hard as the night…and then the night comes again…
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it! Ok, Rachel, I’m sorry. I have to start getting ready- I’m getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk…that’s such a hard time for me!
Monica: I’m going to go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour!
Rachel: Well, wait!
Monica: What!
Rachel: Lets go to lunch!
Monica: I can’t go to lunch!
Rachel: Right. [Monica walks into the bathroom, Rachel walks over by the couch and lays down on the floor] Oh, my god, I’ve fallen down!
Monica: [comes out of the bathroom] What’s going on?
Rachel: Ok, alright, honey, listen, when I tell you what I’m about to tell you, you need to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Ok, you’re really freaking me out.
Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…[Phoebe walks in and gives a thumbs up that she and Ross have found Chandler]…’s vest…We can’t find Chandler’s vest.
Monica: [freaks out] How can that be, wait, wait, are you serious?!
Phoebe: We found the vest! Well, I mean, we’re going to have to keep an eye on it, make sure we don’t loose it again.
Rachel: Ah.
Monica: [relieved] Oh! Wow, ok, don’t scare me like that ok! I mean, for a minute there I was like “oh my god, the worst has happened!”

Joey: [acting in a scene; he and Richard are pointing swords at each other; Richard is still drunk] I would sooner die in this hellhole than see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged! [takes one step forward, coming feet away from stabbing Joey]
Joey: Ahhh!! [falls to the ground, even though Richard wasn’t anywhere near fake-stabbing him]
Director: Lets re-set.
Joey: What, he got me! Oww!!
Director: Lets take it from there.
Richard: Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slow.
Joey: Look, my best friend is getting married in like an hour, and I’m the minister. Please, please can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course I can, I’m sorry. I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this.
Joey: Thank you, thank you.
Director: Still rolling, and action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole than see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged! [raises his arm into the air and accidentally throws his sword over his head and behind the set] Slippery little bugger!

Phoebe: So, you two were married, eh? What happened, you just drifted apart? Judy: [walks into the room with Rachel, followed by Monica in her gown] Here comes the bride!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh my god, Monica!
Monica: I want to wear this every day!
Rachel: You look so beautiful!
Monica: Oh…I’m so happy for me!
[Phone rings, Rach answers, it’s Joey]
Rachel: Hello?
Joey: Hey, did Chandler show up yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we got him back, everything’s fine!
Joey: Damnit!!
Rachel: What, why, where are you?
Joey: I’m still on the set.
Rachel: Joey, the wedding is in less than an hour!
Joey: I know, I’m sorry! The guy is drunk, they wont let me go until we get this.
Rachel: Oh, my god, I’m going to have to find another minister!
Joey: No, no, I’m the minister! Look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now!
Rachel: Joey, I have to go!
Joey: Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry us both right now, I have the power!
[Rachel hangs up the phone, cut to Ross and Chandler who’s finished putting on his tux]
Ross: There you go! You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?
Chandler: [hesitates] No.
Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time!
Chandler: Yeah, ok, well, what’s the next little bit?
Ross: Getting married…[Chandler gasps] Ok, ok, but you can do that too, just like you’ve done everything else.
Chandler: Yeah, you’re right, I can do that. Ok, excuse me for a minute.
Ross: Woah, wait, hold on, where’re you going?
Chandler: Ross, I’m not going to run away again I just wanna get a little fresh air.
Ross: Ok.
Chandler: [walks out into the hall, shuts the door, and lights a cigarette, takes a puff] Oh, fresh air! [he hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and tries to figure out how do hide so they don’t know he was smoking. He can’t go back into the room because Ross is there, so he jumps into the ice machine room].
Rachel: Phoebe, you need to cover for me.
Phoebe: Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting, you do that you know.
Rachel: But Phoebe, we’ve got to do something. You know, I mean, there’s no way Joey’s going to make it in time. So, I’m going to go through the hotel and see if there’re any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: Ok, but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because they frown on that!
[Chandler hears this, opens the closet door, his cigarette is hanging out of his mouth]

Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding—excellent! Congratulations, Mozeltov (spelling?). [Orthodox Bishop (thanks to Meg for this correction, the man is not referred to as a minister) walks out] Hi, oh, great hat! Listen, I need you to perform another wedding, can you do that?
Orthodox Bishop: Ah, I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, they’re my friends—Monica Stephanopoulos and Chandler…Asadopoulos.

Ross: Hi, hi, [Chandler’s dad puts his hand on Ross’s arm]…hi…has anyone seen Chandler?
Jack: I thought he was with you?
Ross: He was with me, we’re playing a little game, you know, hide-and-seek.
Jack: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating!
Ross: You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest, dad.
Judy: Well, he better not come by here, he can’t see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora: As I recall, when I got married I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then.
Nora: Honey, it isn’t good luck.
[Monica walks out with her dress and veil on]
Ross: Aw, my god! Monica.
Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doing?
Ross: [cringing a little] Great! He’s doing great, don’t you worry about Chandler!
Monica: Are you ok?
Ross: Uh, huh.
Monica: [questioning] You’re sweating?
Ross: These are uh, beads of joy.
Monica: That’s sweet!…don’t touch me.
Ross: Phoebe, could I, uh, see you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah.
[they exit to the hall]
Phoebe: What’s going on?
Ross: Chandler’s gone again.
Phoebe: Oh my god, why would you play hide-and-seek with someone you know is a flight risk!?

Joey: Aaron, you gotta let me go, the guy’s hammered.
Aaron: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s still conscious, we’re still shooting.
[Joey imitates Ross’s “finger” behind Aaron’s back (you know, the hitting your fists together thing? Haven’t seen that in a while!) Joey walks into a room where Richard is attempting to cut a steak with his sword]
Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?
Joey: So, I, uh, just talked to the director; that’s it, we’re done for the day.
Richard: Why, have we finished the scene?
Joey: Yeah, you, you were wonderful.
Richard: As were you!
Joey: So, I got your car, it’s right outside.
Richard: Why, are we done for the day?
Joey: [thinks for a moment] That’s what you told me!
Richard: Thank you, you’re welcome! [goes to lie down on the couch]
Joey: No, no, we gotta go! Here we go! [throws Richard over his shoulder and carries him]
Richard: Is that my ass? [as they are walking out, Richard grabs a bottle of wine from a table by the door and carries it out]

Ross: [Sees Chandler] There he is!
Chandler: What? [Ross grabs Chandler and pins him to the ground].
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: You’re not getting away this time, mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler: Ross! [starts to get up, but Ross does a karate-chop thing in front of his face]
Ross: Hi-ya! I’m serious, you’re not walking out on my sister!
Chandler: That’s right, I’m not!
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?
Chandler: I know about Monica.
Phoebe: You know?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross: What, what, talking about what??
Chandler: You don’t know?
Ross: Know what? If someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on RIGHT NOW!!!
Phoebe: What, you’ll hi-ya?
Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.
Ross: Oh my god! Oh my god! And you’re not freaking out?
Chandler: Well, I was, but then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes…
Phoebe/Ross: Cigarettes!!!
Chandler: Big picture please! So when I was in the gift shop, that’s when I saw this. [pulls out an adorable little baby outfit with “I ‘heart’ New York” on it] Yeah, you know, and I thought, anything that can fit into this can’t be scary!
Phoebe: You obviously didn’t see Chucky III.
Chandler: Come on though, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was ok.
Ross: Dude! [Ross and Chandler hug, Jack walks out]
Jack: Way to go son, I knew you’d find him!

Charles: Our little boy is getting married.
Nora: Oh, look at you, so handsome!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom.
Charles: Ahem.
Chandler: You look beautiful too dad. I love you both [kisses his dad]. I’m so glad you’re here [kisses his mom]. [walks up to the front]
Orthodox Bishop: Are you Chandler?
Chandler: [confused] Are you Joey?
[Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe on one arm and Rachel on the other]
Ross: Huh, this is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce. [the guests stand, Monica walks down the aisle with her parents]
Judy: Oh, I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica: She’s right there.
Judy: Not that old crow, my mom. Congratulations, darling. [kisses Mon]
Jack: We love you, sweetheart. [kisses Mon]
Chandler: [walks down to meet Mon] You look beautiful. [points to her dress] Is this new?
Monica: [smiling] Not now.
Chandler: [agreeingly] Ok. [takes her hand and walks her up to the front]
Monica: [seeing that Joey isn’t there] Who is this?
Orthodox Bishop: I’m Father Karabetsos.
Chandler: He’s Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: [to Monica] As are you.
Orthodox Bishop: Let us begin. Dearly beloved…
Joey: [runs in with his uniform still on, complete with sword wounds, etc.] That’s my line!! [rushes down the aisle]. I can take it from here, thanks. [takes the Orthodox Bishop’s place]. Dearly beloved…I’m sorry I’m a little late…you may be confused by this now, [points to his attire] but you won’t be Memorial Day, 2002. Well, lets get started before the groom takes off again. [Monica looks really pissed and Chandler’s obviously not too happy]. We are gathered here today, to join this man, and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
Monica: [turns to Rachel who hands her the notes] He took off??
Rachel: Go on, go on.
Monica: Chandler, for so long, I wondered if I’d ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort, and instead I found everything I’d been looking for my whole life. And now, here we are, with our future before us, and I only want to spend it with you. My prince, my soul mate, my friend…unless you don’t want to! You go.
Joey: Chandler?
[Ross starts to hand Chandler his vows, but Chandler waves him away]
Chandler: That’s ok. Monica, I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I’d ever have to do, but when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprised that come our way, it’s ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You want to know if I’m sure? [kisses her].
Joey: [pauses for a second] You, uh, may now kiss the bride! So, I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York, and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife, oh, wait! Do you take each other?
Chandler: I do.
Monica: I do.
Joey: Yeah you do!!
Ross: Rings??
Joey: Ah, crap. Ok, ah, lets do the rings. [Mon and Chan exchange rings]. We good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. [suggestively] Now kiss her again!
[Everyone cheers]
Chandler: [to Monica] I love you…and I know about the baby.
Monica: What baby?
Chandler: Our baby.
Monica: [confused] We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
[cut to Phoebe and Rachel who are standing behind Mon and Chan]
Phoebe: Look at them! And they’re going to have a baby!
Rachel: Uh, huh…[sighs deeply, but says nothing]

Hmmm…what’ll happen next?? Only time will tell!