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Scene 1        Tanya talking on the phone in the dark in the Cooper living room


Tanya          Really? I never thought that I would have so much in
                    common with you, but I really do. I love surprises
                    like that. You know, like when you think you're
                    mother's high on crack and then you find out she's
                    only drunk.

Doug           (walks in the front door)

Tanya          Oh, I gotta go. You too. See you later. Bye. (hangs up)

Doug           (walks into the living room) Who's there?

Tanya          Misses T.

Doug           Tanya? What are you doing here?

Tanya          Mom's.... let's just say that mom's not in a very good
                    mood tonight.

Doug           Alcohol binge?

Tanya          That's part of it. Along with finding weed in my room. It's
                    a colourful collage. I asked to spend the night.

Doug           (sits down beside her) Who were you talking to?

Tanya          Oh just never you mind. You wouldn't understand.

Doug           Tanya, if I understood when you went through your European
                    armpit look phase, I think I can handle anything.

Tanya          So how was work?

Doug           Nice deflecting. Well, work was okay. I'm getting paid
                    9 dollars and hour to sit there and take notes.
                    It's great!

Tanya          You do realize that this is only the training. It's going
                    to get a whole lot worse.

Doug           Just like everything else in my life. What can I say? It's
                    a crappy job, but I have bigger things to think about now.

Tanya          Like you and the bitch's baby.

Doug           Tanya, I would apreciate it if you would stop calling her
                    a bitch, she is the mother of my child. Besides, I
                    prefer the spawn of satan. It's much more fitting.

Tanya          What can I say? Old habits die hard. We did hate each other
                    back in the glory days. And then you got her pregnant.

Doug           So who were you talking to anyway?

Tanya          Nice deflecting. You got Mira pregnant.

Doug           Well, I see we've hit a stalemate. Good night. (walks off
                    down the hall)

Tanya          (dials) I'm sorry to cut you off like that, but Doug came
                    home. Yeah, that Doug. He's working at the call center
                    now..... I would love to go out tomorrow                     
                    night. 8 sounds fine..... Good night.

Doug           (runs back to the living room) Ah ha! You have a boyfriend.

Tanya          I do not. I was talking to my mother.

Doug           You have a date with your mother?

Tanya          When we're in a public place she's guaranteed not
                    to hit me.

Doug           I see... you think you're smart Tanya, but I will find out,
                    if not now then later!

Tanya          I pick later.

Doug           Damn, I thought I had intimidated you.

Tanya          Please Doug, I am the queen of intimidation. Remember two
                    years ago?
Doug           Not so long as I stay on the meds. But I will find out...
                    it's just a matter of time.
Tanya          It's also only a matter of time before you die of a heart attack.
                    My money's on that one.
Doug           (clutches his chest) Damn faulty Cooper genes.




Scene 2        Liz at the restaurant


Liz            (sitting at a table, reading)

Customer       (enters the restaurant)

Liz            Damn it, and I was just going to find out how Charlie reacted
                    to Lucy's advice. (walks to the front counter)
                    Smoking or non?

Customer       There's only 10 tables in here. What difference does it make?

Liz            If you sit by the kitchen, you get the fumes from the burning                                food. By the door, a fresh breeze every once in a                                        while when a customer (chuckles) walks in.

Customer       I'll sit by the door.

Liz            (hands them a menu)

Customer       (sits) What's the special today?

Liz            Pretty much anything you want. All 20% off the menu price.

customer       What's the catch?

Liz            The portions are 20% smaller.

Customer       Well, that's fair. I'll have the burger combo.

Liz            Coming right up. (walks to the kitchen, leans on the counter)
                    Wow, this is insane, I can't believe how busy it is!
                    I'd better call reenforcements. (picks up the phone)




Scene 3        Ellen, Mira and Tanya sitting by the kitchen table.


Ellen          So anyway...

Mira           (sneezes) Oh my god, I think my water broke!

Tanya          You're only three months pregnant.

Mira           No wait, that was pee. (runs to the bathroom)

*              (phone rings)

Ellen          Hello?

*              (split screen)

Liz            Ellen, you've got to get down here. It's crazy, I don't even
                    know how to handle it.

Ellen          Was there a breakout at the mental hospital again? If so, I'm
                    not coming down. The last time that happened, some
                    nutcase stalked me for an entire year!

Liz            That was Billy.

Ellen          Whatever.

Liz            No, I'm serious, I'm running off my feet. Bring Tanya down               
                    too. That'll pay up for us putting a roof over
                    her head last night.

Ellen          But you were saving her from an abusive mother. Isn't
                    the oppotunistic?

Liz            Who's the one who charged her a dollar to use one of their
                    pillows?

Ellen          That was you.

Liz            Touché. Anyway, just get down her as soon as you can! (hangs           
                    up)

Tanya          Who was that?

Ellen          Mom. Are you interested in helping out at the restaurant
                    for a bit?

Tanya          Well, I do have mid terms on Monday, but sure. (both walk to                                    the door). You think she'll give me that dollar
                    back from last night? (walks outside)

Ellen          Please, she still owes me a dollar from a tooth I lost in                                    1995. (walks out and closes the door)

Mira           (walks back into the kitchen, looks around) That's strange.
                    I could have sworn that Ellen and Tanya were sitting
                    right here when I left. Am I hallucinating again?
                    (grabs her head)

Doug           (walks up behind her) Hey.

Mira           Good morning.

Doug           How are you?

Mira           Pregnant. You?

Doug           Suffering the consequences. You never did tell how it went                                    with your parents.

Mira           Not so well. I went there...

Doug           Mira, I would love to talk more, but I'll be late for
                    training. And then I have to stalk Tanya.

Mira           Stalk Tanya?

Doug           She's hiding something from me, and I think it has something
                    to do with the UV lights she installed in her closet.
                    She said it's for suntanning, but I ain't buying it.

Mira           Doug, we need to talk.

Doug           Later Mira, we'll talk about everything. Just after tonight.
                    (walks out the door)

Mira           Doug! (bangs the table) I really am in this alone. Oh my god,
                    I'm white trash! (buries her head in her hands)





Scene 4        The restauarant


Liz            (talking to a customer) Sir, I understand that you want a blizzard,
                    but I don't serve ice cream here.

Customer       I want to see a blizzard!

Liz            You're gonna see a blizzard of stars if you don't shut the hell up!

Customer       Fine then, I'll just have ice cream.

Liz            (irritated) I'll see what I can do. (turns)

Customer 2     Ma'am, could I trouble you for a glass of water?

Liz            No you couldn't. But thanks for asking.

Tanya          (walks in the door)

Liz            (runs up to her, hugs her) Oh Sonny, thank god you're here.

Tanya          My name is Tanya.

Liz            And my name is Liz but I don't get all huffy about it. Can you                                start waitressing?

Ellen          (runs in behind her, rubbing her arm) Thanks alot Tanya.

Tanya          Look, if you wanna play punch buggy with me, be prepared for the
                    consequenses. I am extremely competitive. Was the demise
                    of Doug not lesson enough?

Liz            Yeah so anyway, you take orders, and I'll see what I can do. (runs
                    to the kitchen)

Ellen          Wow, why are there so many people here? People usually avoid this
                    place like the plauge, mostly because its rumoured to have
                    originated here.

Tanya          I don't know, but we could make some good tip money here. Flash
                    some boob.

Ellen          I don't have boob. I barely have nipples. I'm gonna go see if
                    mom has any aprons. (walks to the kitchen) Mom, you got
                    any aprons back here?

Liz            (holds one up, it's covered in blood) Only this, but I.... we
                    won't get into that now. (hands her a plate, it has ice
                    cubes covered in cream on it)

Ellen          Ice cubes and cream? What do you want me to do with this? Are you                            trying to attract cats with heat stroke again? I don't
                    to be the one to put them down this time.

Liz            No, just give it to that customer, see if he takes it.

Ellen          (walks away)

Liz            Well, it's busy, that's a good thing. Maybe I could keep this
                    place after all. But would I want to? (shrugs)




Scene 5        Doug sitting in the training class with 20 other students


Doug           Okay, this won't be so bad. I just have to be nice to people
                    and do what they want. I was nice to Tanya everyday
                    for two years and I did everything she wanted. If I can
                    fake it with her, why not with people I don't even have to                                see?

Trainer        Doug, do you have something you would like to share?

Doug           Was I saying that out loud?

Trainer        Yes.

Doug           I'm sorry.

Trainer        Good. Now when somebody...

Doug           Wow, I think I'm going crazy. I'm turning into Tanya! Next thing
                    you know I'll be stalking people. Now, I wonder where                                     Tanya's going to be tonight.

Trainer        Doug?

Doug           Was I doing that again?

Trainer        So anyway, when they ask you do do something, the first thing you
                    want to do it reaffirm that with them. If they say "I would                                like to change my address," you say "I'd be happy to
                    change your address."

Doug           Isn't that redundant?

Trainer        Yes.

Doug           Then why are we doing it?

Trainer        Because it's what Better Deal wants us to do.

Doug           Why do they have to follow what they want?

Trainer        Because they pay the bills. Anyway...

Doug           Wow, this is really going to suck. But onto more pressing
                    topics, like who Tanya is dating.

Trainer        Doug?

Doug           Sorry, I'm a tad crazy, ignore me.

Trainer        It's kind of hard when you're you keep obsessing over somebody
                    named Tonya!

Doug           It's Tanya.....

Trainer        (irritated)

Doug           Right, I'm shutting up starting now.




Scene 6        Ellen in the restaurant


Ellen          (sits a plate down on a table) There you go, fries and chips.

Customer       Aren't they the same thing?

Ellen          Whatever. (walks away)

Customer 2     (grabs her hand)

Ellen          Don't touch me, ever.

Customer 2     I just wanted to let you know...

Ellen          That what? That I suck? That I'm the worst waitress that you've ever                         encountered?

Customer 2     No, quite the contrary. I'm actually quite impressed with the service
                    here. The last time I ate here
                    I had this blonde bitch who kept threatening rub raw hambuger on
                    my food. I called the Better Business Bureau, but they said the
                    file was too large to add any new cases.

Ellen          I completely understand, she is my mother. Granted, I made alot of those                     phone calls myself...

Customer 2     Thank you for the lovely service. Somebody will be getting an extra dollar
                    tip.

Ellen          Your bill comes to 8.99.

Customer       Here's a 10. (hands her a bill)

Ellen          (takes the money, walks to the back) Hey, Tanya, I've gotten like a
                    million dollars in tips already. And by a million, I mean 8.50 and a                     smack on the ass.

Tanya          I know. I've been getting the nicest compliments all day. If I had known
                    that this would have been all it took to raise my suicidally low                         self-esteem, I would have started working here days ago.

Ellen          How much you get in tips?

Tanya          Oh, about $11.

Liz            (from the kitchen) Did I hear somebody say tips? You know, the kitchen                         staff get a quarter of that.

Ellen          (puts money on the counter)

Tanya          (follows)

Liz            (counting it) What comes after 3?

Ellen          8?

Liz            8 dollars in tips? Already? That's usually a whole month for me. Are you                     guys showing some boob?

Tanya          No more than usual. Why do you think I'm graduating this year despite
                    never being in school?

Liz            (puts two plates on the counter)

Ellen          Thanks (grabs the plates and walks away)

Tanya          (follows Ellen)

Liz            This just ain't right... I can't have two 17 year olds upstaging me in                         tips. Something has to be done about this. Where's my bottle of
                    botulism?




Scene 7        Doug in the call centre, sitting beside Rannie


Rannie         Are you ready?

Doug           As ready as I'll ever be.

Rannie         Okay, hit the pause button.

Doug           (hits pause)

Rannie         Now you wait for a phone call.

*              (a 10 second silence)

Doug           Is it always this exciting around?

Rannie         Well, not usually. Sometimes rumours go around that people are doing
                    it on their breaks in the bathroom.(laughs) I remember the last
                    time...

Doug           What was the rumour?

Rannie         What rumour?

Doug           You know, this is why it never worked out between us. I'm all about                             Christian values and you're all about being a slut.

Rannie         Says he who got his best friend pregnant.

Doug           First of all, she is not my best friend, and second of all, I have nothing
                    more to say.

Rannie         Didn't you guys use protection?

Doug           We were drunk.

Rannie         That is why I got myself a prescription for the morning after pill.

Doug           If we weren't drunk, we would never have had sex... Thank you for calling
                    Better Deal, what can I help you with? (covers the mic) I hope they                     didn't hear that...... (pulls headset away) They did.

*              (scene changes)

Doug           Can I get you to confirm to address for me? (looks to Rannie) How do you                     pronounce that name? Godam, Goodam, Godaam? Goddamn?

Rannie         They can hear you!

Doug           Not anymore they can't. (puts his headset down)




Scene 8        Liz in the kitchen


Liz            I'll teach them to show me up. (sprinkles chilli powder on a meal). Nobody                     outtips Liz and lives to tell about it. Tanya! Order's up!

Tanya          Thanks mom.

Liz            Don't call me that.

Tanya          Kay mom. (grabs the plate and walks away).

Liz            And now for chunks of chicken in the bean salad. Viola! Ellen! Order's up.

Ellen          Thanks mom.

Liz            Don't call me that.

Ellen          Kay mom. (grabs the plate and walks away)

Liz            Now let's see who's prettier. Wait, what am I doing this for again? Ah,                         right, peer acceptance. No wait I don't think that was it....




Scene 9        Doug outside on break with Rannie


Doug           (smoking) I can't do this.

Rannie         You're right you can't.

Doug           Thank you for agreeing with me.

Rannie         But what other options do you have?

Doug           But what is it worth? Look at me, I'm smoking! This job has got my nerves                     so shot that I've been driven to the evils of smoking!

Rannie         If you're like this now, at the end of your third phone call, you'll need a                     line of coke.

Doug           I'm not joking, Rannie, I can't do this.

Rannie         You have no choice Doug. You have a baby coming and an equivalent high                         school diploma.

Doug           It's a real diploma, thank you.

Rannie         Whatever, the point is that in Rutland, there is nothing else but this.
                    And you aren't happy enough work at Wal Mart.

Doug           Damn Wal Mart. Driving small business to the brink nation wide.

Rannie         You have to do this.

Doug           (sad) I know. I just hate it, that's all.

Rannie         I hate it too. I have to throw up before I come to work, and not just                         because I'm bulimic. Actually, that's one of the reasons why I                             converted to bulimia, but the point is, this is a crappy town in a
                    crappy state and a crappy job is about the only thing you're going to                     find here. It's like looking for the smartest person in Mississippi,                     you're gonna be disappointed and saddened no matter who you pick.

Doug           I know. I just have to deal with it. Let's get back in.

Rannie         Now that's the spirit. Surpress that rage. That's the American way.




Scene 10       Tanya talking to a customer


Customer       This meal was just, just...

Tanya          I know what you mean. I actually coined a new term for it- pukadellic.

Customer       No, not at all. This was great! I especially love the feeling in my
                    stomach. I'm full, but happy. And not entirely disgusted with myself
                    for having a double portion.

Tanya          Well, the double portions here are normal portions everywhere else.

Customer       I don't know... I'm going to tell all of my friends about this place.
                    They'll love it. (leaves)

Ellen          (walks up to Tanya) What was that all about?

Tanya          A customer just said that he... loved the food?

Ellen          I know! I just got that comment too. It's odd, I grew up with mom's
                    cooking, and love was never the first thing that came to my mind, or
                    the first thing that came spewing out of my mouth. Mom?

Liz            (walks up to them) Yes, dear? Are the customers still great? Are they still
                    heaping you with praise and tips? (smiles smugly)    

Ellen          Actually, yeah, they are.

Liz            Huh?

Tanya          I don't know what you're doing back in that kitchen, but they eating it
                    right up. You should try to make a living off of this.

Liz            What are you getting at?

Ellen          The customers like the food.

Liz            What are you talking about?

Tanya          Do I need to draw you a picture?

Liz            (looks away) Yes, yes you do.




Scene 11       Doug on the phone at the call centre


Doug           Thanks for calling Better Deal, how may I help you?..... I'm sorry, I
                    don't know how to get off the freeway in Dallas..... It's not my fault
                    this is the only number you have on hand..... (screams) Thanks for
                    calling Better Deal, have a great day!

Supervisor    (hits a button on the phone)

Doug          Hey, what up?

Supervisor    Yeah.... we've been listening in on a few of your phone calls, taking notes.

Doug          (angry) You've been listening in on my phone calls? That's a total invasion
                    of privacy! I'm talking to the manager.

Supervisor    I am the manager.

Doug          Oh, okay.

Supervisor    Look, I think we're going to have to go in another direction.

Doug          Which direction is that?

Supervisor    I'm sorry, you're not working out here.

Doug          I don't work out at all, let alone here.

Supervisor    (sighs) Look, you have to be nice for this kind of job.

Doug          I am nice.

Supervisor    Do I have to draw you a picture?

Doug          (looks away) Yes, yes you do.

Supervisor    (draws an exit sign) Walk past that sign and never come back.

Doug          You mean I'm fired?

Supervisor    That's so negative, but yes you are.

Doug          You can't fire me, I need this job.

Supervisor    This is Rutland. Everybody needs this job.

Doug          No, but I really need it. I got my best friend pregnant, and I don't have an                     education, so if I don't keep
                    this job, I got nothing.

Supervisor    (sighs) This is against my better judgement.

Doug          (happy) My favorite 6 words in the english language....

Supervisor    I'll give you another day.

Doug          Thank you so much.

Supervisor    Just a few tips. Be nice, even when you don't want to be. Smile when you
                    answer the phone. And stop mentioning the name Tanya to everybody who
                    calls.

Doug          I can do this, you'll see. I'll be the best damn call person who ever
                    answered a phone. Or at least not the worst.

Supervisor    That the spirit! Get back on that phone!

Doug          I will. Thank you for calling Circuit City, how may I help you?

Supervisor    Oh god. (throws head into hands)




Scene 12      Mira sitting on the front steps


Doug          (walks up the driveway)

Mira          You're home late.

Doug          (sits down beside her) Bad day at work. Really bad day.

Mira          First days are always hard.

Doug          What do you know, you've never worked a day in your life.

Mira          You've only worked one day, so it's not like you're an expert.

Doug          Touche.... You see Tanya around?

Mira          She's in the house.

Doug          Excellent. Now to find out what her secret is and ruin her dreams. Unless                     the secret is that she has
                    clamihidia. That's punishment enough. (stands)

Mira          (grabs his shirt) Sit down.

Doug          Mira, let me go.

Mira          No. Why are you so hung up on Tanya? What does she have that makes you want
                    her so much?

Doug          (sits) I don't want her. I want to see her suffer, that's all.

Mira          (stands) That's a goddamned lie and you know it. You've been in love with                     her since the day you met her and she's done is kicked you around.

Doug          We have an odd relationship, what can I say?

Mira          You two don't have a relationship, Doug. There's nothing there. (angry) You
                    have a relationship with me (points to her stomach) You have a
                    relationship with this and you don't seem to give a damn.

Doug          I'm sorry Mira, it's alot to take at once.

Mira          I'm so tired of this. I've been in love with you forever. I'm pregnant with
                    our child, yet it means nothing to you. She calls you a name and                         you're licking her ass. I don't understand Doug, what
                    do I have to do to get your attention? Jump off a fucking bridge?

Doug          (angry) What do you want me to say to you Mira? Do you want me to tell you
                    that I love you? I can't feel something that I don't Mira and you                         screaming at me is not going to change that. What we did
                    was... (cuts himself off)

Mira          Was what? Do you want me to get an abortion so you never have to see me
                    again? Is that it?

Doug          I never said that Mira. I'm going to support that baby as much as I possibly                     can, but don't delude yourself into thinking that we'll ever be                         together, because we won't. The baby was not concieved out of
                    love Mira. It was an accident. (turns to walk up the steps)

Mira          (starts crying softly) It wasn't an accident.

Doug          (turns) What?

Mira          It wasn't an accident, Doug. you may not remember, but I do.

Doug          You said that you didn't remember anything about that night.

Mira          Well I lied.

Doug          What exactely do you remember?

Mira          I don't want to talk aboutit .

Doug          No, Mira, you can't say something like that and then brush it off. What                         exactely do you remember?

Mira          (sits down on the steps) I remember that you were really drunk by the
                    campfire, and I put you to bed because you were really out of it. Do
                    you remember that?

Doug          I don't remember anything Mira.

Mira          (looks away) I remember that I put the cover on you, and then you pulled me
                    in kissed me. And then your hands started wandering. I tried to leave,
                    but you held me. There was a point when you were kissing
                    me that I thought, "this is what I've been waiting for for years, but
                    not like this." So I pulled away, but you wouldn't let me leave. I                         really didn't want to do it Doug but I didn't know what else
                    to do (puts her head in her hands). You were just so drunk Doug, and                     you kept forcing it. I knew it wasn't you doing it, I knew that you                     wouldn't do that... (cries) but I didn't know what to do.
                    I felt so overpowered and helpless that I just layed there and you
                    eventually fell asleep. I just layed there and cried for the rest of
                    the night.

Doug         (sits beside her) Are you saying what I think you're saying? Did I...?

Mira         (burries her head in his chest and nods)

Doug         Oh my god Mira, I don't know what to say.

Mira         I'm not blaming you, Doug, I'm not (crying). You we're so drunk and so out of                     it. I just couldn't carry by myself anymore.

Doug         (holds her, cries) I'm so sorry Mira, I'm so sorry.

*            (camera slowly pans out)