Scene 1
Liz, Ellen, Mira and Doug
in the living room, staring at the
Christmas tree
Liz
A little more to the left.
John
(behind the tree,
moves it) Is that okay?
Ellen
It’s still a little
lopsided.
Doug
So are you, but we
don’t say anything.
Mira
Anymore.
Liz
I think it looks fine. Now let’s get to
decorating. (grabs a string
of lights)
All
(decorating)
John
I think this is the
biggest tree we’ve ever had.
Doug
It certainly beats out
last year when we cut a Christmas tree
out of wrapping paper
and taped it on the wall.
Liz
I figure that since everything is going
to hell, we’re going to
do at least one thing
right this year. Even if we have
nothing to put under it.
Doug
(sad) What do you mean
nothing?
Ellen
Yeah, mom?
Liz
Did I say nothing? I meant… snothing.
It’s one of those new
tickle-me stuffed
animals. You know, for the baby.
John
It’s been a tough
year kids, what can we say? I knew our
lack of financial
planning would bite us in the ass
eventually, I just
thought it wouldn’t happen until we
were 70. So much for
the American dream.
Liz
(plugs in the lights, stands back) How
does that look?
Doug
(stands back) Pretty
good for the upper lower class.
Ellen
(stands back) You, say
what you will about popcorn on a
string, but it does
add a certain something.
Mira
I’ve never celebrated
Christmas before. My parents are
Communists.
John
In
Liz
Well, I think it looks perfect. You
know what, I don’t think
this
year is going to be so bad after all. Sure, we won’t
have “things,” but
we’ll have each other.
Ellen
I’m sick of all you
guys, and I’ve only spent 5 minutes with
you in the last week.
I’m going to work. (leaves)
Doug
Ditto. (leaves)
John
(kisses
her on the cheek) I’ll stop by later. (leaves)
Liz
Merry Christmas, Mira. Mira? (looks
around)
Mira
(yells) I’m in the
toilet.
Liz
Merry Christmas everybody.
Scene 2
Ellen, Tanya, Liz and Mira
at the restaurant putting price
tags on everything
Liz
I really want to thank you guys for
helping me out today.
It’s going to be
rough, but I think that so long as
I have people here
I’ll get through it.
Tanya
Am I getting
paid for this?
Liz
I still have frozen fish sticks in the
freezer if you want them.
Tanya
Fry them up
and we’ll consider it a deal.
Ellen
But we do have to be
going soon. If we’re late, they’ll…
what will they do?
Everybody is always late there.
Tanya
That place
is such a hole. They complain about Wal-Mart
taking over
everything, yet they don’t try to make
themselves more
efficient to compete.
Ellen
Even if they started
with eliminating the smoke breaks, they
could save 10% of
their salaries alone.
Liz
Let’s not talk about Wal-Mart, okay?
They’re part of the
reason why I’m losing
this place.
Ellen
We have to go, Tanya.
(leaves)
Liz
Thanks for helping out. I’ll see you
later.
Tanya
Those fish
sticks had better be ready when I get back.
Liz
Tanya, I’ll make sure that’s the one thing
I do today.
Tanya
You had
better or it’s back to empty threats and hollow
intimidation between
the two of us. (leaves)
Liz
(after a few minutes of silence) So…
Mira
Yeah.
Liz
How are you feeling?
Mira
I’m only 4 months
pregnant, so nothing much so far.
Liz
Talk to your mom lately?
Mira
Nope. The last time
we talked… well let’s just say that we
don’t have a working
relationship anymore.
Liz
Like me and half the people in this
town. Why don’t I have a
talk with her?
Mira
That didn’t go so
well the last time, remember?
Liz
Oh yes, I called her some names and
kidnapped you.
Mira
I really love you
Mrs. Cooper, but you’re not what I would
call a people person.
Mira
(hugs her) Thank you
for being so supportive. I really do think
of you as a mom.
Liz
Aw…then it’s time I started treating
you like one of my own
children. Get back to work before I beat you.
(pushes her
away)
Mira
(cries) Aw, now
you’re reminding me of my mom.
Scene 3
Doug on the phone at the
call center
Doug
Thank you for calling
Better Deal, have a nice day. (punches a
number into the phone, then, to Rannie) I’ll be
right
back. The air conditioning in this place has me
peeing
every five minutes.
Rannie
You should wear a diaper.
Half the people here do.
Doug
I was wondering why
everybody has such big asses. (walks to the
bathroom, enters,
locks the stall, sits down on the toilet)
Breathe. Breathe
deep.
Next Stall
I wouldn’t do that, this place
in infested with asbestos.
Doug
Then what do you
suggest?
Next Stall
Exlax if you’re having that
much trouble.
Doug
Do, not exlax, relax.
How do you make it through this place?
Next Stall
Make it through? What are you
talking about? I love it here.
I don’t have to deal
with customers face to face, I get
to sit down all day
and they pay us 9 dollars an hour.
This is the best job
in
Doug
Are you that deluded?
Next Stall
A little. Look, I suggest you
find something to busy yourself with.
Don’t focus on the
calls. After a while, your mind becomes
like a computer. You
don’t listen to what the customer says,
but learn to pick out
key words to find out what they want.
You don’t even have
to think after a while.
Doug
I didn’t think to
begin with and I still find this killer.
Next Stall
Get a grip man, it’s only a job
(flushes, the leaves)
Doug
(still sitting on the
toilet) I have to go back to work. I have to go
back to work. I’m
getting up now. (doesn’t move). Now
(doesn’t move,
sniffs). I feel like I’m going to throw up. (dry
heaves) Why do people not do that at home instead
of at
work?
Scene 4
Ellen and Tanya at the gift
wrapping station, sitting
Ellen
We’ve been here for an
hour with not one sign of a customer.
Tanya
I know,
isn’t it great?
Ellen
Aren’t you bored?
Tanya
Not really.
Check out those hot guys over there by the window.
Ellen
(looks) Those are
mannequins.
Tanya
I was
wondering how they could stare into the sun like
that. I was thinking
they were part of a cult.
Manager
Um, I’m going out for a
smoke, I’ll be back in 20.
Ellen
What kind of
cigarettes do you smoke?
Manager
I have to pick up some
coffees too. We having a staff meeting
about
the opening of Wal-Mart. We’re all
getting
a little worried.
Ellen
They sell coffee right
here in the cafeteria.
Manager
The coffee here is crap.
Ellen
That’s not the only
thing here that’s crap.
Manager
What?
Ellen
Nothing.
Manager
Shirley and Joanne are coming
with me, think you guys can work
cash? (leaves)
Tanya
I’ve never
worked a register before.
Shirley
You’ll do fine. Just
don’t touch the pink button. (leaves)
Ellen
(walks over to cash)
Tanya
(follows)
Ellen, there are 8 pink buttons.
Ellen
And 15 blue ones, and
not one has a label.
Tanya
Oh yeah,
we’re screwed.
Scene 5
Mira and Liz sitting in
the back
Liz
When you first start have contractions,
they really hurt.
Mira
I think I’ve already figured
that one out. If watching tv
has taught me
nothing, it’s that giving birth is the
worst, most painful
experience of one’s life.
Liz
Don’t forget the touching moments
before the final credits
roll.
Mira
How could I?
Actually, I’m kinda of thinking about home birthing.
It looks interesting.
Liz
You’re not birthing nothing in my
house. The last thing born there
was a litter of rats
and I intend to keep it that way.
Customer
(enters) Hello?
Liz
(greets him) Hi, how may I help you?
Customer
You guys still serving food?
Liz
No, we’re closing out. I do have some
rice out back.
Customer
That would be great.
Liz
(walks to the kitchen)
Customer
So Wal-Mart’s closing
everything out, eh? 5 businesses this
month alone.
Mira
(shrugs)
Liz
(walks out with a plate of rice) It’s
tough around here.
Customer
Why don’t you take a look at
this? (hands her a pamphlet)
Liz
The Socialist Workers Party of
guys, communists?
Customers
No, we are not communists. We’re
just looking out for the rights
of the American
worker.
Mira
Communism is
unpatriotic! I’m calling the thought police. (runs
to the phone)
Customer
We are not communists! (grabs
plate, looks at it) Hey, that looks
just like Chairman Mao. (sits with plate)
Liz
(walks to the back, hangs up the phone)
Mira
I can’t believe
you’re letting him eat here! He’s a communist.
Liz
So? I’ll be living on a commune in
about two months with the
way things are going.
Live and let live, Mira.
Rhondra
(walks in)
Liz
(turns)
Mira
You were saying?
Liz
Rhondra, leave! This is hard enough as
it is without having you
here.
Rhondra
This is a public place, I
have very right to be here. And
besides, I would like
to purchase something.
Liz
Like what? You have my dignity, are you
looking for my
soul now? Too late, I
already sold it for a Krispy
Kreme.
Rhondra
Christmas presents.
Liz
From here?
Rhondra
Don’t treat me like that.
You can’t afford to turn people
away.
Mira
She does have you
there.
Liz
What do you want?
Rhondra
Everything.
Liz
For what? What could you possibly need
an industrial
sized deep fryer for?
Rhondra
To open my own restaurant.
Liz
No way, you are jerking me.
Rhondra
I don’t think so. You owe me
50% of everything you sell here
today anyway, so I
figured why not? Just got a loan
from the bank this
morning. (takes out her checkbook)
Liz
50%? What are you talking about?
Rhondra
I may have pulled out of the
loan, but I’m still a part owner.
Liz
You bitch.
Rhondra
I though you might say that,
so I went and had this place
appraised. (writing a
check) This is fair 50% value for
this place. (hands
her the check)
Liz
5,000 dollars? Are you kidding? I owe
the bank five times that
amount. Besides, I
don’t have to take this. I have 4 more
hours until I close for good. I could sell
everything.
Rhondra
That might be difficult
considering that I just called the health
inspector to come
down here for massive code violations.
You might want to dig
the rats out of the rice before they
show up.
Customer
(spits his food back out into
his plate)
Rhondra
See you later (turns to
leave)
Liz
Hopefully never (pushes her)
Rhondra
(trips and falls through the
front window, onto the sidewalk)
Liz
Oh I wish I wish I hadn’t done that.
Customer
You see the lows that
capitalism has brought you to?
Mira
Shut up commie bastard!
Scene 6
Doug sitting on the toilet
Doug
Okay, I’m going out
now. (remains sitting) Now. (doesn’t
move)
*
(a knock on the door)
Doug
(quickly lifts his
feet)
Manager
Hello? Are you in there Doug?
(walks in the next stall, stands on
the toilet)
Doug
Ah! What are you
doing?
Manager
What are you doing? You’ve
been in here for 40 minutes. Do you
have the runs?
Doug
No. I just can’t
leave.
Manager
Did somebody put glue on the
toilet seat again? That damn
Transsexual Tracey. She
doesn’t know when to draw the
line.
Doug
I can’t face it
anymore.
Manager
If you want to get paid you
will.
Rannie
Let me.
Manager
(steps down)
Rannie
(steps up) Hi.
Doug
(sobbing) Rannie, I
can’t do this. I despise this job with all
Doug
But you do it with a
smile.
Rannie
Trust me, it’s not real.
Much like my boobs.
Doug
I have to get out of
here. (walks out)
Rannie
Where are you going?
Doug?
Doug
(walking across the
floor, throws his headset down on the
manager’s desk) I
quit. (walks away)
Manager
Once you walk out of here,
that’s it.
Doug
(yells) Hence the
words “I quit.”
Manager
Oh, okay. See ya.
Scene 7
Tanya and Ellen back at
the wrapping desk
Tanya
(hands a
gift to a customer) Thanks for shopping at Sales,
have a nice day.
(sits down) God, I’m exhausted.
Ellen
What a rush. Those two
customers were hell.
Tanya
So you
haven’t asked me about my new boyfriend yet today.
Ellen
Because I don’t care,
maybe?
Tanya
You care
Ellen, you know you do.
Chet
Hey, miss, can I get
this wrapped?
Ellen
Chet?
Chet
(quickly puts the
gift behind his back) Ellen! Fancy seeing
you here.
Ellen
I certainly hope
you’re not getting me that book for Christmas.
You know how much I
hate to read.
Chet
That’s me, Ellen, I
hate to read. You love to read.
Ellen
How little you know
me.
Tanya
So anyway,
my boyfriend is stopping by soon.
Ellen
About the not caring
again, did I not make that clear?
Tanya
He’s right
over there.
Doug
(walks up to the
table) Tanya, I need to talk to you.
Ellen
I’m not surprised.
Tanya
He’s not my
boyfriend Ellen. He’s so not my boyfriend he’s my
not boyfriend.
Ellen
Deny it all you want.
Chet
Doug.
Doug
Chet.
Chet
Isn’t it weird how we
switched partners? Now you’re with
Mira and I’m with
Ellen.
Doug
Ellen’s my sister.
Chet
Still, you did spend
a lot of time together.
Doug
Anyway… Tanya, I
really have something to tell you. I need
to talk to somebody.
Tanya
Sorry, my
boyfriend is right there. Ned! (runs and grabs him)
It’s so great to see
you.
Ned
You too baby.
Doug
You’re going out with
Ned?
Tanya
Not only are
we going out, we’re in love.
Ellen
Oh my god. Way to take
another one of my castoffs, Tanya,
first Chet, then
Billy, now Ned.
Tanya
Please
Ellen, Chet and I never had anything to do with each
other. And that thing
with Billy only lasted a few minutes.
Ellen
But the prescription
will last forever.
Doug
I can’t believe you’re
going out with Ned.
Ned
What’s wrong with Ned?
Doug
You’re only doing this
to get back at me.
Tanya
Doug, you’ve
made it abundantly clear that I need to move on
with my life and I
am. Deal with it.
Doug
What a load of crap.
Tanya
Back off. I
didn’t say anything about you and Mira so you leave
us alone.
Doug
Like hell you didn’t
say anything about me and Mira.
Manager
Ladies, I’ll have to ask you
to cool it.
Doug
I’m a guy first of
all. Don’t let the long hair fool you.
Tanya
We’re having
a personal moment, do you mind?
Manager
I do in fact mind. You’re
fired.
Tanya
You can’t
fire me. I quit! (storms off)
Ned
(follows)
Manager
(to Ellen) You may as well
leave too. We can’t afford to pay you.
Ellen
What? I had nothing to
do with this! You’ll be hearing from my
lawyer.
Manager
We’re going bankrupt anyway,
what does it matter?
Ellen
Come on Chet, I know
when I’m not wanted.
Manager
I think I’ve made it pretty
clear that you’re not wanted.
Ellen
(storms off)
Chet
(follows)
Doug
(still
standing there)
Manager
Is there anything I can help
you with today?
Doug
Not really, I just
lost my job.
Manager
That’s a shame…get out of our
store you bum.
Doug
(staring at him)
Manager
Now!
Scene 8
The restaurant, Liz at the
front window, which is boarded up
Liz
Well Mira, (grabs the “open” sign) we
are officially closed (turns
the sign). Break out
the cyanide pills.
John
(walks in) What the
hell happened on the side walk, there’s
blood every where.
Liz
Oh, I just pushed Rhondra through the
window.
John
Oh my god, is she
okay? She must have got cut really badly.
Liz
Nah. When I saw she wasn’t hurt I went
after her with
the ketchup bottles.
That’ll teach her.
John
Did you sell
everything.
Liz
Yup. It’s over. (hugs him)
John
I’m sorry honey. But
the good news is that I just got my
last paycheque from
the bridge.
Liz
Last pay? You still have another week
to go.
John
We officially
finished our part day. It’s done.
Liz
Finished early? What the hell kind of
construction company
are you?
John
I’m sorry for being
competent dear.
Liz
Let’s just get out of here.
Mira
(walks out)
John
(walks out)
Liz
(walks to the door, turns to look
around, flips the lights off,
the leaves)
Scene
9
Ellen, Doug Mira, Liz and
John in the car
Ellen
So then this dumbass
comes by and gets in a big fight
with Tanya, and then
the manager fires us.
Liz
Sorry for your loss dear. I know it
must have been traumatic.
Ellen
You have no idea.
Liz
No, I really don’t.
Doug
Well, I’m in the
unemployment club too.
All
What?
Doug
I locked myself in the
bathroom for an hour and then quit.
Liz
Why did you do that you idiot?
Doug
I couldn’t take the
job anymore mom. You don’t know what it’s
like to deal with customers all day.
Liz
Hello? Restaurant?
Doug
At least you don’t
have to be nice to him.
John
He does have you
there hun.
Liz
Look, why don’t we all sing a Christmas
song to take our
minds off of this.
(starts singing) On the first Noel…
Mira
You moron, how are
you going to support me now?
Liz
(still singing)
Ellen
How am I going to buy
Christmas presents (starts beating on
Doug)
Mira
(starting hitting him
too)
Doug
Look bitches, leave me
alone.
John
You guys settle down
before I come back there and settle you
down.
Liz
(still singing)
Doug
That’s real scary dad.
Like your butt could fit between the
front seats.
John
Why you… (starts
reaching back as Ellen and Mira are still
beating on him)
Liz
(still singing)
John
(stops the car)
Ellen
Okay, we’ll be quiet.
John
The road’s blocked
off, that’s weird.
All
(get out of the car, start walking up
the street)
Doug
Do you smell that? It
smells like burning crap.
Liz
(still singing)
*
(fire trucks come into view up the
street)
John
Oh my god.
Liz
(starts running up the street) No!
Dammit it, no!
John
(runs after her)
Ellen, Doug &
(stand stunned, staring up the road)
Mira
*
(camera slowly pans out, they
continue standing and
staring in disbelief)
Closing
John and Liz at the house
on the front steps. The roof
is half gone alone
with the very front wall.
Liz
(her head resting in John’s lap) Where
did we go wrong
John?
John
I think it was when
you said “I don’t need the pill anymore.”
Liz
Why is all of this happening?
John
Who knows?
Liz
Stupid Christmas tree. The one thing we
had to bring some
joy into our lives
ends up costing us our home.
John
Then we cancel the
insurance a month ago because we couldn’t
pay.
Liz
(starts
laughing) Okay, where’s Ashton Kutcher? Because if
this isn’t a Punk,
I’m going to be so angry.
John
Okay, you’ve been
punked Liz. (starts laughs, lays back on the
steps)
Liz
Thanks John. At least I know I still
have you. And a half burned
out house. And a huge bank loan. And no income. And
a kid
going to college next year. And another kid with a
baby
on
the way.
John
For richer or for
poorer, remember?
Liz
So long as I have you, it doesn’t even
matter.
*
(camera slowly pans out as they lay
on the steps, shows the
damage to the house)
