Luke walked to the house he once considered his home. As he approached the front steps, he was surprised at how terrified he was to go inside. He was terrified to see his daughter again and what her reaction to him would be. He was also terrified of the memories this place brought back to him. He had started opening his heart up again, but the pain was becoming suffocating at times. This house would probably bring even more pain to him, maybe more than he could handle. He was never too fond of the place itself, but he loved what it resembled at one time... a happy family who was safe.
Luke took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. He was surprised to see Nikolas answer the door. "Come in," he said. "Mother is upstairs with Lesley Lu at the moment."
Luke thanked him and walked inside, taking in the place again. Pictures still filled the living room as they always had. They were mostly pictures of Nikolas, Lucky, and Lulu. He walked over to the mantel and took a good look at every one of them. He was happy to see that his children appeared happy in the pictures. Behind a picture of Laura's three kids together, there was a picture of him and Laura together. ‘She had never taken it down,' he thought, as he stared at that picture longer than the others.
Nikolas noticed what picture Luke was staring at and said, "She refused to ever take that one down. We tried to convince her to, but she wouldn't do it."
"She's a stubborn woman," Luke responded.
"She's a loyal woman. Something you don't deserve," Nikolas said.
"I know," Luke whispered, but it was too soft for Nikolas to hear.
Before they could get into an argument, Laura came downstairs with Lulu right behind her. Luke looked at the both of them and his heart felt like it was going to explode at the sight of his daughter. She was so beautiful... a miniature dark-haired Laura. As they got closer, Luke could see even more details about his daughter, but the thing that stuck out most were her light blue eyes. It almost seemed unnatural for them to be so light and soft.
When they reached him, Luke said, "Hello, Lesley Lu. How are you doing?"
"Hi...um... I'm doing fine," Lulu responded, not sure what she should call this man who stood before her. She knew he was her father, but she didn't feel comfortable with calling him dad since she didn't know him at all.
Luke saw the hesitation and asked Lulu to join him on the couch. Laura looked on and motioned for Nikolas to join her in the kitchen. They quietly left father and daughter alone together.
Luke put a smile on his face, which wasn't difficult when he looked at her. "You could call me Luke if you'd like. If you're not comfortable with calling me anything else, I understand," he said.
"Thank you, Luke. I'm sorry, but I do feel awkward right now. I'm not really sure what to say to you."
"I understand," Luke whispered. He turned around so he wouldn't have to see Lulu's eyes when he asked, "I'm just wondering, do you know anything about me?"
Lulu was shocked to see her father felt as awkward as her and didn't look confident at all. From what she had heard of the man, he never felt uncomfortable with talking to people. "Mommy and Lucky have told me about you. I don't know much... only things that I have learned from their stories."
"I guess you don't remember anything yourself then. That's expected, I suppose."
"I wish I did have a memory of you, but I don't. Lucky thinks I blocked it out when you left. He says you were here until almost my fourth birthday, and that I always had fun with you."
"I'd like to think you did," Luke said. "I always loved to make you smile. You have your mother's smile. I definitely remember that. You've had it since the day you were born."
"That's what Lucky and Nikky say also. Well, Lucky's the only one who can say since I was born, but Nikky says he noticed it the first time he saw me. Mommy believes I'm more like you, though. I don't know if that makes her happy or sad sometimes."
"She told me that is one of the things she loves most about you because you have my good qualities and not the bad ones. I guess to your mother, I have a lot more good qualities than most people believe."
"She always said that you could make her laugh no matter what was happening around her. She says that I can do the same, but I think she just laughs sometimes to try to help her through the sadness. She's been sad a lot."
"I know that. Have you been happy?" Luke asked.
"Yeah. Mommy's great, and when Mommy is working at the club, Grandma or Nikky usually watch me. Lucky's always with Elizabeth, but they come by to baby-sit me together sometimes too. Lucky's teaching me computers right now."
"I'm glad. Every little girl deserves happiness."
"Then why did you leave?" Lulu asked.
"Oh, I really don't know. If you had asked me that a couple of weeks ago, I would have given you an answer, but I've had a lot of time to think it over, and now I can't come up with one. The only thing I can say is I thought it was best for you, your mother, and brother at the time. I thought it would keep all three of you together if I had left, and it would bring more happiness to all of you than if I had stuck around. People have been telling me otherwise, however."
"You did it for us? That doesn't make sense."
"I know. Something happened a long time ago and when someone brought it up again, it broke me. I lost everything good that was in me and only focused on the bad. It wasn't the right decision, but it was something I couldn't control. I was very close to breaking down a few times when I was away. I just didn't want a man that close to losing control endangering this family in any way."
"Like Lucky's drinking?" Lulu asked.
"No, sweetheart, but it was something like that. I... well, I really don't know how to explain it to you. Lucky started drinking for the similar reasons that caused me to lose myself. However, Lucky was himself while he was not drinking. I wasn't myself. What was happening to me was something that no one should have to see."
"What do you mean?"
"I guess there was no happiness in my life because my guilt was overshadowing any happiness. I let the guilt take over and that's what defined me. If I had stayed, none of you would have been happy to be around me. And that would have made me feel even more guilty, and eventually I could have caused a lot of damage to myself. You don't remember that before I left, I was in the hospital twice, and both times were because of what I had done to myself... what that guilt drove me to do. I was too frightened to ever expose this family to something like that."
"Are you better now?"
"I'm getting better a day at a time. I'm better than what I was before I left, but I'm not close to being healed yet. Maybe with Lucky's help and with Mommy's help, I could get better. I'm willing to try now."
"And my help?" Lulu asked.
"Definitely, if you'd be willing to take a chance on me. I have an idea. Why don't we first really get to know each other before you decide. I'll take you to the park and we'll tell each other about ourselves. How does that sound, Lulu?" Luke asked.
Luke calling Lulu by her old nickname brought back a sudden memory of a man who would dance with her around the living room. She hadn't been called that name since her father left. Her mother and brother stopped calling her that because it would make her cry. "I think that sounds like a plan," Lulu said with a smile.
Luke watched Lulu run into the kitchen to tell Laura that he was taking her to the park and thought, ‘One step at a time. Just take it one step at a time, Spencer, and maybe you can rebuild what you've once lost.'
