I saw you today ... at Kelly's ... You didn't notice me. You were with her , which is probably the reason you didn't notice.
You were ... happy. I haven't seen you like that in God knows how long. You were laughing and flirting shamelessly, and ... that look in your eyes. I used to know it so well - I used to like to think only I could put it there. Obviously I over estimated myself.
You used to look at me like that - the way you looked at her today. The memory is faded ... God it was so long ago, but I remember. That look was mine. That lop-sided grin and playful expression ... it was mine - or I used to flatter myself it was.
Towards the end I forgot. I forgot that we could have fun, that you have the best sense of humor ... that no matter what was happening you could always make me laugh. Everything became so serious ... towards the end. And I think we both forgot.
I don't know what I thought. That you would pine for me forever? That someone wouldn't come along and snap you up? You've always been friends with her, I know. You've had a special relationship - used to call her ‘princess'. But I assumed ... I don't know ... I guess I assumed you viewed her as a little sister.
The way you talked to her today ... the way she blushed and ... well, no one could have mistaken you for siblings. Today, I saw you through her eyes. She adores you, looks up to you. You know, I must have been blind. Why is it that only after I've lost you I see how beautiful you are? Why couldn't I have seen before? Before ... everything. Before my life became an unsalvageable wreck?
I used to see it. Every morning I used to wake up ... I'd wake up in
your arms and I was safe - I would feel so safe. Anything I said to the
contrary was hateful and untrue ... spoken in anger and frustration. Every
day I used to thank God for you. Your strength ... your love. I never,
ever doubted
your love. Through everything, your love was the one thing that I knew
I could count on ... it was our foundation. And the moment I began doubting
it ... everything crumbled.
Nothing will ever make up for what I've done. And nothing will ever take the place of what I've lost. It's gone ... it's just ... gone. And nothing will bring it back. I don't know what you have with her - I don't know if you're just very close friends or lovers ... it doesn't really matter. I've lost the right to be jealous. I know that.
What would happen, I wonder, if I drove to the club right now ... if I walked right up and knocked on your office door, prepared to give anything and everything necessary to get you back. .
Would I find her there?
Would she cry?
Beg me not to tell her husband?
Would you get angry and tell me to go the hell away?
Or would you be alone?
drunk?
sober?
Would you push me out the door?
Would you be indifferent?
So many questions. All of the prospects realistic. None of them what I want. I want ... I want ... To hear you say it's alright, even it it isn't ... I want to you whisper ‘baby' in my ear like nothing has changed, even it has ... I want to feel your lips on mine ... your arms around me ...
And I don't care. I just don't care how hard it is. We could make this work. We could do it ... I wouldn't leave. I wouldn't push you away. I Wouldn't make excuses. I would fight as long as I needed to. If you were with me, I would fight.
Because I can't go on like this. I can't live without you. I've got this ... this huge void in my soul that only you could ever fill. I need you.
And if you can't promise me forever anymore, if I've hurt you too deeply or you just don't love me anymore, that fine. I'd understand ... I'd understand.
But I truly believe I would trade all of eternity in hell for just one more night with you, Luke. Just one night.
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