TITLE: Complications Of Life.

AUTHOR: Kelly Rowe

DISCLAIMER: Buffy, Angel and the gang belong to the evil Joss and I only own the characters I make up. In a perfect world however I would own all of them, Buffy and Angel wouldn't have broken up and Riley would never have existed.

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: General (if any)

TIMELINE: Eight Years After Season 5.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Buffy didn't die end of season 5 and Darla never came back, so Angel didn't have a crisis. Companion piece to Everytime it Rains.

Angel's POV

I sit here in my room with my day old pizza and what remains of a six-pack, brooding… as I always do. It's been eight long years since I received my shanshu… and also since I lost my two best friends. I have lived and still am living with my humanity in a state of constant guilt, something I thought I would've left behind in my vampire days, but apparently not. Cordy and Wes lost their young lives as I gained mine… how could that not be my fault?

I wandered around for weeks after they died… after I had also 'died', wondering what I should do with myself. Should I even tell anyone I'm alive? Was a constant thought. I also spent many an hour stemming my natural compulsion to run to my beloved's side. I didn't want to go to her because I feel responsible for their deaths and I know I'm not worthy to be with her… I'm not worthy of anything.

So here I sit in this dingy room day after day, night after night hiding myself away from the world outside my window… never seeing another living soul close up. Actually that's not true… occasionally the host drops by to check I'm still breathing and to bring me food so I don't starve, but that it the extent of my social interaction.

Sometimes I wish that I could get over my guilt trip and go to Sunnydale and find out once and for all if she still wants me. However I know I'll never do that. She deserves someone better than a guilt ridden, broody human. So what if I can now share the sunlight with her, give her children, marriage, and finally grow old with her… I'm simply not good enough for my beloved Buffy and the sad truth is I never was.

I grabbed my jacket and decided to go for a walk… a shock I know, when it began to rain. I went over to the window and looked out at it falling… rain it always reminds me of her seventeenth birthday and the first time we ever made love… of course it's the only time she remembers.

It's my most precious memory; I can sit there and relive it over and over, editing out all the bad stuff that happened after. I looked down to the street and saw a girl running to the hotel for shelter from the rain, there was something so familiar about the way she moved, but I shook it off as part of my imagination. Now I was seeing Buffy in strange women, the host was right I am losing it.

I slowly headed downstairs to rid myself of this unwanted trespasser; I don't want or need company. When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I almost faint from shock… that woman was Buffy. My eyes must be playing a trick on me, why on earth would Buffy be here, sitting on my couch, huddling in a ball from the cold. But something in me knew it was she, from the tingle shooting down my spine to the sight of her long blonde hair… but I can't bring myself to speak. A few minutes later she got up to leave, she was almost to the door when I found my seldom-used voice, "Buffy?"

She stopped and then turned around; slowly she began walking towards my hiding place, the shadows. I'm nervous, I know I am not the man she used to know and I'm not just talking about the scars on my face, however I gather my courage and step out into the light to meet her. The second she looked at me she gasped and my heart and world fell apart once again. How did I ever expect her to love me? I am hideous… no longer the man she fell in love with so long ago. I try to move back into the darkness, but she grabs me, throwing her perfect arms around me. I still in shock, not able to believe that she was touching me. I am shocked further when she looks at me and says, "I've missed you." I am recovering from that bombshell when she kisses me and not a friendly peck, but a full on passionate one.

That was the thing that finally got to me; Buffy still loves and wants me. After all I'd ever done, after what I looked like… she wants me, Angel. Even I am not fool enough to pass this opportunity up again… she is, was and always will be my heart, my soul, my entire world. And now I'm back in her arms nothing is going to pry me from them ever again.

THE END