TITLE: Too Strong To Break.

AUTHOR: Kelly Rowe

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: Buffy, Angel and all other characters (except those I make up) are the absolute property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, UPN and Warner Bros (If I owned them, the events of Buffy season 4 or most of season 3 wouldn't have occurred).

SUMMARY: Angel's POV on hell and what happened while he was there.

SPOILERS: All B/A and BTVS up to end of season 2.

TIMELINE: After Becoming II.

DISTRIBUTION: You want you can have it; just tell me where you put it.

PAIRING: Buffy/Angel.

DEDICATION: This is for Kerrie Deakin and her friends who asked me to write this for them.

'Close your eyes.'

Those simple whispered words that came from her wonderful mouth have haunted me... haunted me for over one hundred years. It's been part of their torture, my eternal damnation. I am doomed to relive those last few moments that I had on earth.

I am allowed to hear her voice, see her, feel her, taste and then I am allowed the distinct un-pleasure of starting to remember all that Angelus did as my beloved Buffy runs a sword through my belly... to save the world, which *I* have almost destroyed.

*They* want me to blame her, to hate her for living, to despise her for existing on earth while I now reside in hell, but I don't... I cannot. My love for Buffy is pure, much purer than I and cannot and will not be turned by these devils into an emotion as ugly and evil as hate. These devils may try to break me, try to rid me of all my emotions... or at least the ones that do not take root in evil, but I will die ten million deaths before they will succeed.

I remember clearly the moment that I arrived here, the second that I opened my eyes again and saw Buffy through the whirling vortex that was Acathla. It was then that I realised that I was finally going to pay for all of hi... my sins.

Suddenly the mansion was replaced by a desolate wasteland, nothing but dirt coloured sand to rest my weary head upon. But I was denied even that. Occasionally the sand turns to quick sand and the unlucky ones caught in this are taken to a new place of torture... even worse than this place. In this place being a vampire is a slight if unwelcome advantage, because of the eternal darkness; it means that I can see the devils coming to give my dose of torture when the others can't.

Sometimes, but not very often an orange flame will burn across the sky bringing with them light and some hope, but that is soon extinguished when the flames reveal their true purpose. They burn across the sky and then they fall to the ground on top of some poor unfortunate souls and then they burn them, burn not kill... another form of torture to live with a burn that will never heal and will hurt for all of time.

Then there is the smell of the place, I used to scoff at my father and his tales of hell with its fire and brimstone, I will scoff no more. It is true; there is fire when it is least expected, but the smell of sulphur is as constant as the night is eternal. The smell causes me to gag as my throat closes up and my nose burns... if I were alive it would surely kill me, but I am not so I survive for another day of torture and am left to wondering what is next for me.

At first they seemed to leave me alone to brood, to drive myself insane... I guess they didn't realise that it was a normal thing for me, self torture. However it wasn't very long before they moved onto new forms of torture, whether to drive me insane or to turn me into a monster I do not know. It was unfortunate for the devils that inhabit this place that they underestimated me... my character, my heart, my soul, my mind and my love for *her*.

Seconds, minutes and hours all pass in a blur because one moment here is the same as all the others; days blend into one another, not that it matters or that I even care. Years rolled by and I never even noticed, when they left me alone I tortured myself with images, thoughts and feelings that the demon within me had while he was free. What he did to Buffy and her friends... my friends, the death of Jenny who had only been trying to help him.

I knew it all, I felt it all... his evil maniacal obsession with Buffy, the one woman that he could not break or bend to his will and the one woman that he truly wanted, but when he couldn't have he tried to destroy the world. I cannot and do not believe that she will ever be able to think of me without thinking of that monster ever again.

Now, all of that seems so long ago... sort of like it was another lifetime and perhaps it has been. Life on earth will have continued and my beloved has probably moved on with a normal man, someone who can and will give her all that I could not.

It is not like I will ever have the chance to return there and even if I did; it has been so long... So long since I had any contact with anyone who wasn't out to torture me, so long since I have spoken or even wanted to do so. Even if by some miracle I make it out of this place... I would not fit in, I would not be worthy of that life... that existence.

All I do deserve to have and be is here in this place... this hell. The torture and punishments I endure will not make up for all the pain, suffering and death caused by his hands... my hands, but maybe it will help make up for some of it. Maybe one day these devils will end my torture and I will die. Maybe then I will go to Heaven and finally get to be with everyone I have loved... Buffy, My parents and Kathy.

For now though I will endure, hoping that relief will come one day... soon.

The End