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AUTHOR: Smurfette
E-MAIL: smurfette3001@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: All hail the mighty, evil Joss, Marti and David. Jane Espenson wrote quotes taken from 'Intervention'. Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon are real people, and the characterisations within hold no similarity to their own persons. No offence is intended.
SPOILERS: Uh... general spoilers up to about 'Dead Things'. And the whole B/S debacle (anyone out there *not* know about B/S? If so, can I borrow whatever rock you're hiding under?), and 'Attack of the Killer Monks'.
SYNOPSIS: Having escaped from the Sri Lankan Monastery, Joss and Angel arrive in Sunnydale, only to be shocked by what they find...
RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: List archives, ff.net, my site. If you already have it, feel free to either update or leave as was. Everyone else, just ask!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sequel to 'Attack of the Killer Monks'. I have nothing against Marti (well, as a B/Aer I do, but personally I don't) and I mean no offence to her or to Joss Whedon with the portrayals of them within. Yes, you can stop laughing now.
AUTHOR'S NOTES TWO: This was written before the season finales. Long before. Back when Marti was saying that B/S was a normal, healthy relationship. Back when Spike + Soul was only found in, and should have remained only in the realm of, fanfiction. Not that I'm bitter...
FEEDBACK: What can I say, the stuff's addictive!!
SPECIAL THANKS to Trammie, who looked up Noxious quotes for me in the original, at the expense of her sanity, and for her general godliness in the rewriting stages. I maintain it should say 'co'!!
DEDICATION: Again, to the bitterness out there. I'm tempted to say that things can only get better, but that's what we said about season 4...
Marti Noxon leaned back in the director's chair as Buffy and Spike tested the boundaries of how much flesh'n'sex UPN was willing to show. Her pointed tail flicked behind her in satisfaction as she polished her pitchfork and contemplated the deal Cinemax was offering.
Marti was having a good season. For years she had been usurping Joss' authority, and now... now she was ready to make her coup, seize control of the show and prove that a normal relationship consisted of constant abuse! Life was good.
Then, just as she was convinced that she could get rid of David Greenwalt within a year, musing over the possibility of luring him away to another program -- she'd heard that some new NBC program was looking for an executive producer to make sure the series sucked from the first episode -- there was an interruption on the set.
"It's Joss!" the whisper went around like a wildfire.
Marti jumped out of the director's chair like there was a bomb underneath it.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Joss demanded, seeing the soulless demon and the Slayer half-naked on the floor.
"Spike's my mate, Joss," Buffy said, looking up from the ground with wide, innocent eyes. "You said so!"
As Joss' mouth fell open, there was further confusion on the set as Angel came running in, clothing askew from the exertion of running from Los Angeles to Sunnydale (there wasn't enough time to hop in the car). Upon seeing Buffy, semi-nude, entwined on the floor with Spike, he stopped dead.
"What the--?" he said, blinking. "Am I -- is that -- huh?" Angel looked around wildly, sure he must be seeing things.
"For crying out loud!" Joss cried out, "It's the same spell! Break it, break it, break it!!"
Angel stood still for several long, sickening, soul shattering moments, still unable to believe what was before him. As he registered what Joss was telling him, his trembling hand dove for the small paper in his pocket, frantically unfolding it. "Xney! Grnwalt Nxn Cant Wrtfr Sht!" he screamed out. ANYthing to stop the horror, the horror, oh, the horror.
Buffy looked up at Angel, puzzled for a moment as to who he was. Then she shook her head as if she were coming out of a daze. "Angel?" she whispered, "What's going on?" Buffy looked around, and suddenly realised exactly who it was she was under. "Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew!" she cried. "How the *hell* did I get here?!"
She jumped up, quickly gathering her clothing and getting dressed.
Marti groaned as she realised it was all going to hell. "You're in love with Spike, Buffy," she cried, a last-ditch effort to save this scene. "Look! Look at his cheekbones! Who can't love Spike?!" she pleaded for understanding.
Dressed, Buffy dashed to Angel, and looked deeply into his eyes. She now remembered everything that she had somehow forgotten over the past three years, and in that moment, all was seen and all was forgiven, and they started a make-out session the likes of which they hadn't indulged in since before she was seventeen. The demonic monk, who she saw when she was resurrected and caused her so much trauma, was forgotten along with the rest of the spell's effects.
"Hands off my mate!" Spike cried, unable to sit and watch the woman he was just having sex with getting hot'n'heavy with his grandsire.
Angel whipped around, ridges protruding from his forehead. "*What* did you call her?" he growled around a mouthful of fangs.
"Look," Spike gloated, holding a copy of the 'Dead Things' shooting script under his grandsire's nose. "'Buffy is at Spike's door, her own face filled with the same anticipation. She can feel Spike on the other side, like an animal sensing its mate.'"
Angel smirked. "Is that all?"
"What d'ya mean, 'is that all'?" Spike yelped.
"It still doesn't say soulmates, William," Angel said simply. "And that's the difference. Buffy and I... we don't just sense each other as animals do. We share each other's souls. When we're around each other, we sense each other and it throws us. It's not 'kye-rumption' or 'moria', it's something *real*. Her love for me and mine for her was so strong it brought me back from Hell, our souls are connected, and that's something you and Buffy can never have."
As Angel spoke, Spike's countenance grew darker and darker. "What do you mean, I don't have a soul?!" he cried out. "Online polls all say I'm a soulmate!"
Spike marched over to Joss and Marti, who were watching in consternation. "Do I, or do I not, have a soul?" he demanded of the producers.
"Well, technically..." Marti hedged.
"I don't bloody believe this!" Spike exploded. "I have to have a soul!"
"Spike," Buffy said, talking in slow, easy-to-understand words, "you are *evil*. You are a vampire. Vampires do not have souls." Angel gave her a hurt look. "Except ONE, unique vampire," she amended with a grin. "I have a chip!" Spike protested. "That's the same as a soul! The Initiative gave me a soul!"
Buffy's grin widened. "The Initiative?" she laughed. "As in Riley 'I've killed seventeen hostiles' Finn? Please."
"Seventeen?" Angel said, incredulous. "He said that to you?!" Buffy nodded. "And you *slept* with him?!"
Marti, who had become increasingly edgy throughout the exchange, marched up to Angel and prodded him with her pitchfork. "And why wouldn't she?" Marti demanded. "He was nice, normal, cute, all-American -- everything a girl could want! But did people appreciate that? Noooooo. They want 'forever' for star-crossed lovers! They want what they thought we promised -- that eternal, 'love at first sight' kind of love. They want a Romeo and Juliet, not normal, they say. But, Riley was perfect! Perfect, I say! So okay... instead, we give her evil and darkness -- we even give her a vampire! But people *still* complain. We even gave her cheekbones!"
Angel nodded with sudden understanding. "Another Marti spell," he concluded.
"Suddenly feeling ultra-happy," Buffy said.
Spike, meanwhile, couldn't get past the whole "still don't have a soul" thing.
"Here I am, in love with a Slayer, *fucking* that Slayer, helping the bleedin' White Hats save the world, *babysitting*, being reduced to the Slayer's LAPDOG -- and you're telling me I don't even have a bleedin' soul?!" he ranted.
"Yep," Angel grinned.
"I can't *not* have a soul!" Spike cried. "I'm the Big Bad. I'm William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers--"
"Uh -- that's Layer of Slayers," Marti inserted. "What? Just *look* at those cheekbones!" she defended off Angel's glare.
"I'm the SLAYER of Slayers," Spike continued. "I destroy the world, I don't bloody save it!"
"Remember 'Becoming'?" Buffy asked, starting to become upset that Spike's soul issues were dominating her big reunion with Angel.
"I can't be doing this, and not have a bloody soul!" Spike continued to rant.
"Spike, you're not 'getting' it," Angel said in frustration. "It's not about *if* you have a soul... it's not even about *you*! I'm already part of Buffy's soul and she's part of mine. She's TAKEN."
As Spike paced around the set, Buffy and Angel resumed their make-out session, much to Marti's consternation. "David said that you were madly in love with Cordelia!" she cried, "You *can't* be here!! This was just a crush -- you've got kye-rumption with Cordelia! Buffy loves Spike! Spike loves Buffy! Cheekbones!!"
Buffy detached herself from Angel. "Cordelia?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Spike?" Angel responded, giving her a level look.
"Touché."
Before Buffy and Angel could resume their bonding, a second Joss strolled onto the set.
The first Joss turned around, unable to believe his eyes. "Another demonic monk?" he moaned. "Oh, PLEASE! Smurfette can't think of how to explain what's going wrong, so she pulls out a demonic monk. Can't she think up a new plot angle? Doesn't she know better than to recycle old plot-lines?"
Angel looked at Joss incredulously. "Do the words 'Waiting in the Wings' ring any bells, Mr. Prophesy?"
The second Joss ignored the by-play, and walked over to Angel.
"You're Angel," Joss Mark II said. "You're lame. Your hair grows straight up and you're bloody stupid."
"Well, that explains my recent character development," Angel muttered.
RealJoss stared at his double in disbelief. "I know that line," he said, "why do I know that line?" His face showed a sudden understanding. "Is that..." he stuttered, "is that the *BuffyBot*??"
Marti had the grace to look ashamed. "Well, we had to explain your absence *somehow*," she said. "Although Warren's all evil now, so we couldn't get him to completely rebuild it. So there were... uh... some kinks that we could work out."
The JossBot sashayed over to Spike. "Oh, Spike," he caressed the vampire's chest, "I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body."
Everybody looked at Marti.
"Cheekbones!!" Marti defended.
Joss closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Okay," he said, "Even though I think that it's wonderful that you're exploring the boundaries of the show, Marti, this is an 8 o'clock program, so lay off the Buffy and Spike sex. In fact lay off Buffy and Spike... period!"
"But--" Marti cried out, "the Cinemax deal!"
Joss glared at her. "I want everyone to watch the previous seasons, so that we remember where we came from. Agreed?"
Everyone nodded their heads. Buffy and Angel sighed. Whilst they still wouldn't get their weekly crossovers, at least they didn't have to sleep with Spike or Cordelia.
"Well!" Joss clapped his hands together, "We *have* sorted out this mess... right?" He looked pointedly at Marti, who began examining her tail self-consciously. "Well then, I'll leave you in Marti's capable hands as I go and immerse myself in my other projects! 'Firefly' sounds so *interesting*!" He waved and exited the set.
Marti's mouth slowly turned up into a predatory smile as the 'Jaws' theme started to play...
THE END
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