Cold corridors and sterile walls made up the maze that was the Cedar Sinai Medical Center. The stark environment, lit by fluorescent bulbs that gave it a surreal (surreal in that "Am I here? Is this really happening?" way) feeling, was doing its best to set everyone on edge. And for a group of people who were already jittery with worry, it wasn't helping in the least.
They had stayed together and were occupying a corner of the waiting area, stealing glances at the double doors that separated them from Buffy every once in a while.
Giles paced back and forth like he was intent on burning a hole in the linoleum.
Riley drummed his fingers on the arms of his uncomfortable chair.
Willow sat quietly, her hands wringing nervously together in her lap.
Tara was beside her and finally reached over to take Willow's hand, hoping to give the redhead the little comfort she could provide.
Xander leaned against one of the walls, his head hung low with fatigue and regret.
Cordelia stood next to him, rubbing her arms tirelessly in an attempt to drive the chill from her body.
Angel was hunched over in the chair closest to the double doors, his hands hiding his face.
It had been an hour since the paramedics had brought Buffy in. She had been whisked away to an examination room before everyone else got there. Giles had filled out the necessary paperwork because he had ridden in the ambulance with her, checking the little box next to the "Is this patient pregnant?" question heavily. Riley had tried everything he could to get any information on her condition, even resorting to openly flirting with the nurses.
No one would tell them anything.
The steady trickle of doctors, nurses, and patients was drowned out by the roar in Angel's ears. He was numb, scared to death that something terrible had happened to Buffy or the twins. What if she miscarried? What if she slipped into a coma? What if she died? It was too horrible to think about, and all he could see was her falling over and over again in his mind.
Her tiny, helpless body had collapsed to the floor and he was there to catch her and cradle her to him at the last second, the momentary shock fading rapidly at the sight of her keeling over. Dimly he recalled shouting for someone to call an ambulance. He hadn't found out who had made the call, too busy focusing entirely on Buffy to care so long as it was made.
The breath that passed out of her body had been shallow and the attempts he made to revive her proved fruitless. His own voice echoed over and over again in his mind, "Buffy. Buffy! Buffy, wake up, please..." and he had shaken her until Giles laid a hand on his shoulder.
"It might be best to not move her."
But Angel didn't want her neck to cramp or any part of her to be uncomfortable, so he motioned for Willow to help him and together they stretched her out and covered her with a blanket when she began to shake slightly. Her blonde head rested in his lap and he gently stroked her hair, praying that the ambulance would get there.
Wesley, Cordelia, and Anya had come clamoring down the stairs at the commotion to find everyone kneeling around the unconscious Slayer and the vampire who protected her as though she was glass. Someone (Willow? Xander?) had told one of them to go wait outside for the paramedics.
At one point Riley had tried to get close to Buffy. Angel sensed the move and looked the boy straight in the eye, growling in warning. She was *his* mate, she bore his mark and carried his children within her and he would do everything in his power to make sure the other man never came near her again. He was the Alpha, she belonged to him, and he'd be damned if he let Riley touch her. The commando had held the vampire's golden gaze for a long moment before breaking it to stare at the floor.
The rest was a blur, the paramedics arriving, the rush to get her to the hospital, protecting himself from the sun to get there with her. Huddled beneath a blanket in the backseat as Cordelia drove, he had started praying to a God he knew wouldn't listen that she would be okay.
He'd just gotten her back, he couldn't lose her again.
One of the doors was pushed open for the thousandth time since they'd gotten there. They didn't bother looking up to see who it was, they'd been disappointed for the past hour and were certain this time would be no different. At first everyone had been so focused on those white metal doors, practically jumping every person that came through there, looking up expectantly in hopes that they would find out how she was. As the seconds had turned into minutes and no one would talk, they'd given up.
Someone cleared their throat and Angel, Giles, Willow, Tara, Cordelia, Xander, and Riley looked up at the same time, a move that would have been uncanny had the situation not been so somber. A short Asian man with cropped black hair and glasses stood before them, one hand in his medical coat and the other holding a clipboard.
"Which one of you is Mr. Rupert Giles?" he asked. Giles stopped his pacing in favor of stepping over to the doctor.
"I am. How is she?"
"Mr. Giles, I'm Dr. Lee, Miss Summers' physician. If you'd step over here, I'll be able to give you a full--"
Angel stood up to join the two men and the others quickly followed his lead, forming a large semi-circle around the doctor. "What you have to say can be said in front of all of us."
Dr. Lee regarded him skeptically. "Are you all family?"
"Of course we are!" Cordelia jumped in, putting on her thousand-watt smile. "I'm, uh...Buffy's...uh, sister, and Riley over there, well, he's her, umm...long-lost cousin and Willow is her-her aunt, y'know, Aunt Willow, and--"
"We're family," Willow said softly. "We're a little unconventional, but we're family. Please, just tell us how she is."
The doctor didn't look happy, but when Giles nodded in consent with the rest of them he sighed. "Miss Summers appears to have fainted due to some kind of trauma. Did anything happen right before she blacked out?"
The gang exchanged uneasy glances. Angel stepped in to answer. "No, we were all just sitting around the apartment. Is she okay?"
"Yes, she has regained consciousness and is fully alert. Overall she seems perfectly fine, her vitals are good, she's in excellent shape. I'm going to recommend that we keep her overnight for observation, just to be sure she doesn't have another episode," Dr. Lee said. They collectively breathed a sigh of relief.
"How's she dealing with the whole hospital scene?" Xander asked. "Buffy has this thing with hospitals where she hates being within a one hundred foot vicinity of them."
Dr. Lee smiled. "Yes, we had some difficulty when she first awoke," he told them. At their alarmed looks, he went on. "But we gave her a mild tranquilizer to calm her down."
"Is that going to harm the babies?" Angel demanded, using all his height to tower over the smaller man.
"Whoa there, babies? What babies?" Riley asked. "Don't you mean *baby*?" He stared at Angel with distrust in his brown eyes.
"No, the twins Miss Summers is carrying will not be harmed by what we gave her. Both babies seem perfectly healthy. We performed a sonogram just to make sure," he assured them.
Angel stole a glance at the others and noticed their shocked expressions. It wasn't how he had wanted them to find out -- he'd been hoping that Buffy would break the news to the group since she was on much better terms with them than he was -- but his over-protectiveness had taken over in the heat of the moment and now the cat was out of the bag.
"How did you know Buffy was having twins?" Riley asked Angel accusingly.
The vampire turned to regard the commando with obvious disdain, making sure he held the younger man's eye as he delivered his blow. "Because they're *my* twins."
Absolute silence. No one could have spoken even if they'd tried. Angel smirked as Riley's mouth literally dropped open and he stood looking like a fish out of water. At least he was living up to his namesake.
And then, all at once, everyone found their voices. Their words blended together and it was impossible to decipher who was saying what, although the consensus that Angel understood was that they didn't believe it -- which, in all fairness, was what he'd expected. It sounded crazy to him, too. Amazing, but crazy.
"But...but that's impossible!" Giles argued. Since he was closest, Angel turned to him. "Angel, you know you can't have children."
"I know," Angel said. As he spoke, the outcries quieted. "But these were...special circumstances, and they definitely are mine. Buffy will tell you, she knows it, too."
Xander spoke up. "I think I'm gonna wait for Buffy to confirm this wacky rumor before I break out the celebratory O-pos, if that's okay with you."
"It's understandable, I don't think I'd believe me either," Angel told them. "Buffy and I will explain later. Can I go see her?" he asked the doctor.
"No!" Riley interrupted. "I'm not letting you anywhere *near* Buffy!"
Angel laughed at the gusto. It ended abruptly as he leaned close, getting in Riley's face. "You really think you can stop me, boy?"
"Okay, enough with the raging testosterone!" Cordelia cried as she got between them. "This pissing contest is getting old. Boys, to your corners."
The two stared at Cordelia and for a moment she thought they were going to gang up on her for daring to interrupt their "who's got bigger balls" display. Angel closed his eyes for a moment and backed off, wheeling around to face the doctor again -- the same doctor that was eyeing them all as though he thought they belonged on an episode of Jerry Springer.
"Dr. Lee, can I *please* go see Buffy?" Angel asked.
"Angel, I think we really should let her rest," Giles argued. "And I would like to hear exactly how you are the father of the baby...er, babies."
"Here's the short version," Angel said briskly. "Buffy came to visit me in November, something happened that allowed us to...be together -- if you know what I mean -- and we *were* together. I gave that something up to keep her alive because if *I* was alive she'd die."
"I'm guessing the Cliff's Notes version won't help us figure out what he's trying to say," Xander muttered.
"Oh my God!" Cordelia cried, pointing a finger at Angel. "It was that day, The Day That Wasn't! Doyle told me about it," she explained at his shocked expression. "Wow, you guys sure don't waste any time...I know you've been out of the loop for a while but I figured Buffy would at least be smart enough to use a condom --or several -- since you weren't shooting blanks anymore."
"It's not like I've ever needed one before," Angel told her with a roll of his eyes. "And I'm going to take offense to the rest of that later."
Willow put a gentle hand on his arm. "But Angel...what happened to make you able to..." She made an awkward motion with her hands that he didn't want to even *try* to decipher. "You know."
"He was turned human," Cordelia blurted out. Angel's eyes widened and he jerked his head towards the doctor. Sputtering, Cordelia realized her mistake. She turned to Dr. Lee and said, "Not that he isn't human already. Our Angel, as human as can be. He's got a soul and everything! It's just...well...Angel's, uh, special, and--"
"You said you wanted to see her?" the doctor interrupted, turning wide eyes on Angel. The vampire nodded. "She should be well enough to have a few visitors, but I want to warn you that she's still weak and shouldn't be agitated in any way. I'm also going to recommend that only one person goes in at a time so she doesn't get over-excited."
"Angel, you go first," Willow urged. Riley was about to protest, but she pinched his arm to shut him up.
"Oww!" he cried, rubbing his stinging flesh. "That hurt! And there's no way I'm letting him in a room alone with her. He doesn't need to fill her head with any more lies."
Angel had already started to follow the doctor, but at Riley's words he swung around and pinned the commando in place with a feral glare and a growl. "You come near us and you'll be very, very sorry." And with that he disappeared from view, leaving the others to awkwardly look at one another.
"So," Xander said, breaking the silence. "Angel was human, huh? Did Hell happen to freeze over in the process?"
*~*
With trepidation, Angel stepped into Buffy's hospital room. She had been lucky enough to get a single and the blinds had been tightly shut, allowing him to move about without worrying about avoiding sunlight. His eyes strayed to the bed and his heart broke at the sight of her lying there.
Buffy looked so small and helpless. With an IV implanted on the back of her hand and wires that were hooked up to several different machines that beeped and buzzed and hummed, he was almost afraid to go near her for fear that he'd hurt her further. One machine traced her heart beat, another the two tiny heartbeats of her babies. *Their* babies. Angel breathed a sigh of relief when he saw all three were going strong.
"Are you going to end the inner monologue anytime soon?" Buffy asked, startling him out of his thoughts.
Flashing her the smile he knew made her knees weak (and wondering if that was really the best thing to do after she'd fainted), the dark-haired vampire made his way carefully over to the bed and sat himself down in the chair that had been placed conveniently beside it.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he raised her hand to his lips to press a gentle kiss on her palm. What started out as one turned into many and his lips hungrily explored her fingers, her knuckles, the back of her hand, and all the while he kept his eyes locked with hers.
"Like a bug under a microscope -- only I'm not being dissected. But they keep poking me and hooking me up to all these machines and I just want to go home!" she cried, tears welling in her hazel eyes.
Angel chuckled as he straightened and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Tomorrow we can go home. The doctor said he wants to keep you overnight for observation."
"See?! I really am a bug!" Buffy wailed.
"But you're a cute bug," Angel replied, abandoning her left hand for her right one. He showered that one with kisses while his fingers massaged her palm.
Her eyes twinkled as she said, "All these pathetic excuses for kisses -- when are you gonna kiss me where I *want* you to?!"
"I didn't think that was allowed in a hospital." Smirking at his innuendo, Angel leaned over and his lips met hers softly, nearly bringing tears to his eyes. It was his first time kissing *her* lips (not Faith's) in almost a year and the emotions he was caught up in were too much. She tasted exactly how he remembered, like sunshine and love and just a trace of strawberry chapstick.
"Now that's more like it," she smiled when he finally pulled away. "So, does anyone know what happened to me yet?"
Angel favored her with a pained look. "You were rushed to the hospital, Buffy, it's not like any of us bothered to research on the way over. As long as you're okay, that can wait."
"I guess," she shrugged. "As long as that spell isn't going to make me grow horns or a tail or something. You may say that you'll love me anyway, but I'm not taking any chances." He chuckled at her, shaking his head.
"You're so cute when you're paranoid," he told her as he leaned over to kiss her again. Her eyes slid shut as their lips melded together softly and his tongue gently pushed into her mouth, drawing hers out to sweetly duel. They met over and over again until Buffy was breathless, and when she pulled away her eyes were shining. Looking down, she noticed that his hand had strayed to her hospital gown-clad abdomen. He was rubbing it gently, tracing circles back and forth across the gentle bulge that was there.
Angel seemed to realize what he was doing at the same moment Buffy did, and he looked up to see her watching him carefully. Tears were running down his cheeks, which was odd -- he hadn't even known he was shedding them.
Her hand moved down to covers his as she whispered, "Our babies are in here."
Angel was almost too choked up to speak. "I know," he said, marveling at the curve of her once-flat belly. "I can feel their heartbeats." They sang through his veins, pulsing with life, and Angel strained to memorize the feel of each tiny beat.
"What do they feel like?" Buffy asked in wonderment.
"Like new life...like hope...like us," he told her, his voice suddenly hoarse. Her eyes were sparkling with tears, and she wiped the back of her hand over them as she reached for something on the nightstand.
"Look, here they are," she said softly, tracing the tiny curves on the sonogram photo with her blue-painted fingernail.
Angel swallowed the lump that rose in his throat. "They're so little."
"They'll get bigger," she said with a hint of a smile on her lips. She was trembling and he gently took the picture from her when she began to crumple it in her hand.
"So will you," he reminded her.
The vision rose before him as he spoke. Buffy's belly large, her breasts swollen, her skin glowing as her womb provided their unborn children with a safe haven to grow, unaware of the dangers of the outside world. It would be pure heaven to watch her body grow and change, become a vessel for the life she carried within her. The life they had created together, on the day that technically hadn't happened. But it had, it was real, it had been their day. The day their biggest dreams had both come true and been ripped away by a decision he still questioned daily.
But not everything had been taken, and as he caressed the soft curve where his children lay deep within her womb, Angel knew a peace that had escaped him for two hundred and forty six years. It was the peace of a man who knew he had done something *right* -- for once in his life -- with the woman he loved. He had created a legacy...his legacy...their legacy. His soul swelled with pride. Finally, after two and a half centuries, he'd gotten it right. He understood all his father had once tried to teach him about honor and duty and family.
Lying inside of her was his true immortality.
"Why're you crying?" she whispered, reaching up to wipe his tears away. Angel leaned into her palm as she cupped his cheek.
"Because you've made me the happiest man alive."
A startled look passed between them at his words. "How happy?" Buffy asked, unnerved by his revelation.
"Really, *really* happy," Angel emphasized, his voice tinged with worry.
"Like soul losing, 'The Hills Are Alive,' I-didn't-think-of-brooding-for-one-whole-second, 'I'd like to thank the Academy' happy? *That* kind of happy?" she demanded, sitting up ramrod straight.
"I...I don't know," Angel said uncertainly. "It was happiness, but I don't know if it was *true* happiness. I mean, I was thinking about my father and he's never really inspired true happiness before..."
"Well, maybe if you brood a lot right now you won't lose your soul," Buffy suggested. "Come on, get to it. Think of...the color black. Or Edgar Allen Poe, he's really depressing. Or maybe--"
"It's under control," Angel said with a chuckle, kissing her again to quiet her. "I don't think it was true happiness."
Buffy pulled away from him and this time he could see the fear in her eyes. "But you're not *sure*."
"I'm pretty sure."
"But not one hundred percent sure," she argued.
"No. Just pretty sure," Angel replied, that smile on his lips again.
Buffy sighed. "Well, don't make a habit of it. No perfect happiness anymore, is that clear?"
"I'll do my best," he said.
"But every time you think about me you're allowed to get that cute goofy little smile on your face," Buffy told him.
Angel smiled at her. "This one?"
"Yep. You look so cute, I could just eat you up..." she said as she pulled him towards her for another kiss. Their tongues met wetly, twisting and turning for dominance while lips melded furiously in a dance as old as time.
"Isn't the eating part my job?" Angel smirked. Buffy stared at him.
"Angel...did you just make a joke? A *lewd* joke, at that? What on Earth has Cordelia done to you?!"
He favored her with a secretive smile. "Oh nothing," he mumbled, leaning over to kiss her again. "It's all you."
When he pulled away she was breathless, and Angel couldn't resist the urge to lay his head in her lap as best he could (it was awkward with the bed she was laying on) and press tiny kisses to the curve of her belly. Buffy smiled serenely and leaned back into the poor excuse for a pillow they had provided her with, arching up to give him better access as their gazes locked. The sight was so endearingly sweet that tears welled once more.
"Where's Faith?" she asked softly, her eyes betraying her quiet tone.
Angel brushed his cheek across her stomach. "She's back at the apartment with Wesley, Spike, and Xander's girlfriend...Anya, is it?"
"You left her there alone with *them*?!"
"She's chained up. When I called, Wesley said that Spike was making her watch some soap opera," Angel reassured her. "Everything's fine."
Buffy didn't seem convinced. "Oh really...and what if she gets away? What if she beats them up and-and breaks out and runs off to Mexico or something? What are we going to do then, Crappy Plan Guy?"
"Buffy," Angel said patiently, "nothing will happen. I have my cell with me, if there's any problem Wesley knows to call me."
"Sure, be all trusting, he-who-leaves-a-murderer-with-an-ex-Watcher, an ex-demon, and a neutured vampire," she grumbled. He chuckled against her belly and peppered gentle kisses across it, obviously not worried.
"I thought you'd have the decency to wait until you got into your own house before doing something like that," Riley announced casually from the door. Buffy's eyes popped open in shock and she glanced over to see him standing with his arms crossed over his chest and a dangerous look in his eye.
"Riley. Hi," she greeted awkwardly. Angel growled and she shot him a hard look for his efforts.
"Aren't you just the cutest couple," the commando said sarcastically as he strolled into the room, making sure the door was closed behind him. "So, I take it you're buying all the crap he's been feeding you for the past few days?"
Buffy glanced questioningly at Angel. The vampire shrugged. "I tried to tell him. I think he's in denial."
"How can it be denial when it's not true? Buffy, he's a *vampire*, he can't reproduce."
"Gee, thanks for clearing that up, Riley. I'd almost forgotten," Buffy snapped, regretting her words the minute they left her mouth. She couldn't be mean to him, he had every right to be upset with her. Angel had risen to his feet in the mean time and was standing protectively by her bed, clutching her hand.
"But it's true! Professor Walsh researched that extensively--"
Buffy interrupted him. "What is it with you and your obsession with that woman? If I didn't know any better I'd almost be inclined to think that you were either sleeping with her or...that she's your mother." She paused. "Neither of those are true, right?"
"Buffy, this is all crazy. Angel *can't* be the father. It's biologically impossible," Riley argued, steering the topic back.
"I never was one to follow the rules," Angel smirked. Riley glowered at the vampire as he moved to step up and confront him.
"There's *no* way he could be the father of the twins," he repeated, obviously trying to drive that one home. Buffy's eyes narrowed in suspicion at his words and she stopped him before he could continue.
"How did you know that I'm having twins?"
Angel looked at her sheepishly. "I, uh...I kinda let it slip."
"So now *everyone* knows?" Buffy groaned. "And I thought this day couldn't get any worse. What did you tell them?"
"The *very* brief version. We could be together, so we were, and then I took it away so you'd be able to live," Angel said.
Buffy's brow wrinkled in confusion. "And did they understand any of that?"
"No. All they got was I'm the father," he told her. "I'm gonna let you tell them the rest."
"Gee, Angel, that's so sweet of you," Buffy said. "It's funny that you'd leave that to me when you're the one who actually remembers what happened. I was only clued in after some lady who looked like she'd spent too many nights getting down with her bad self in the '70s."
Confusion and hurt flashed across Riley's face for a moment as he stared at her, trying to make sense of their stranger conversation. Finally, he said, "I don't...I don't understand." Buffy looked over as though she'd totally forgotten he was there, and she took a deep breath to gather her thoughts before turning to look at Angel.
"Angel, can you...can you give us a minute alone?" Buffy asked. Angel quirked an eyebrow.
"You really think I'm going to leave you alone with him?"
"Angel..." Buffy said softly, causing him to turn his attention fully to her. Pleading silently with him, she continued, "Please?"
He didn't budge. "I'm not leaving you," he replied just as quietly.
"You think I'd try to hurt her?" Riley demanded, stepping into the conversation.
Angel didn't bother to look at him as he said, "I think you won't get the chance to do anything because I'm not leaving."
"Angel," Buffy warned. Men and their damn territorial issues. She wasn't exactly a tree they had to mark, she was a woman who knew what she wanted. And at that moment she wanted to be alone with her soon-to-be-ex.
"I'm *not* leaving you alone with him," Angel repeated, almost smiling at the absolute absurdity at the idea. The look on Buffy's face made him restrain himself.
"I think Buffy said she wanted to be alone with me," Riley jumped in, "and I think you're a vampire that's smart enough to find the door on your own."
"Was that a threat?" Angel asked as he turned to regard Riley. They were nearly the same height and squared off nose to nose, both men trying to get some kind of leverage over the other.
"Do you want it to be one?"
Angel smirked haughtily. "You think you'd really stand a chance against me?"
"I think I'm willing to find out," Riley replied.
"*I* think that if you both don't turn off the testosterone you'll be very glad we're in a hospital so you won't have to go far to get medical treatment," Buffy warned, causing both Angel and Riley to look at her. Seeing she was totally serious, Angel glared at the other man for a moment longer before turning back to Buffy.
"You can't be serious. How about I stay in the shadows? You won't even know I'm there, I've really honed my lurking skills," Angel suggested.
Buffy grinned as she reached for his hand. "As sweet and stalker-esque as that sounds...I want to be alone with him."
"Why?"
"Because he deserves an explanation," Buffy told him. Pleading silently with him seemed to work, and Angel finally nodded his head once in consent.
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed its smooth back once before saying, "I'll be right outside if you need me." As he turned to go, Angel told Riley, "If you try anything, you're going to regret it."
"Out!" Buffy shouted in frustration. He meant well, but he was driving her crazy with the over-protectiveness. Riley wouldn't try to hurt her (even though Buffy wasn't his favorite person at the moment), and besides, Angel was the one he hated. He'd be more inclined to engage in some good old-fashioned with the vampire than with her.
Angel glanced once more at Riley before leaving, his long black duster swirling with that air of mystery it always managed to convey at his feet. The door clicked shut behind him and Buffy was left alone with an angry Riley.
"So, now are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?" he demanded, crossing his arms over his chest. Buffy's eyes narrowed
"Maybe. Are you going to lose the attitude?" she countered just as sharply. Challenging her silently, Riley soon found she was not about to back down. He let out a deep sigh and plopped himself down in the chair by her bed that Angel had sat in moments before.
"Buffy, what's going on? I thought...I mean, a week ago everything was perfect. Everything made sense. And now...how come you never told me about him?" There was no question as to who Riley was referring to.
"I...I couldn't." Buffy swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. Oh, this was gonna be a fun conversation. "It was too hard to talk about. It was too hard to *think* about."
"You didn't think I deserved that much?" he asked, his voice no longer accusing, just...defeated. Like he knew he'd already lost her.
Buffy sighed, shifting on her bed. "It's not that, Riley. It's just...when Angel left, I...I was devastated. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function...it was like I couldn't exist." She held up a hand when he moved to speak. "And before you go analyzing me, Psych Boy, no, Angel and I did not have a co-dependent relationship. He was...he was everything to me. Talking about him -- especially to *you* -- was totally out of the question when I couldn't even think about him without becoming semi-catatonic."
"You fell in love with a vampire," he said flatly.
"How could I not?" She paused, let that sink in. "The vampire thing didn't matter, I fell in love with him before I knew. He was...he was everything I'd never dreamed but always wanted. And wow, now I really sound like a trashy romance novel," she said, trying to smile. She definitely wasn't getting any points for effort for *that* poor attempt.
Riley leaned back in the uncomfortable chair. "But that's just..."
"Wrong? Gee, you think? Everything about it was wrong. We were doomed from the start," Buffy said, taking a shaky breath. This conversation was bringing her back to a place she'd fought desperately to get out of. Maybe she shouldn't have asked Angel to leave...
"He's the office romance you were talking about," Riley guessed.
"And that's a point for the soldier."
"I can't believe you weren't going to give me a chance because of some vampire from your past," Riley muttered, avoiding her eyes.
Buffy's anger rose a notch at that. "You obviously don't know a *thing* about what I went through with Angel."
"Well, that's not surprising considering I didn't even know he *existed* until you ran to him instead of coming to me!" Riley cried, leaping up from his seat. "How was I supposed to know about your little pet vampire?"
She sighed. "You weren't supposed to know, *ever*."
"So tell me about him, Buffy. Tell me all about your tragic little romance," Riley said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He wasn't used to the jealousy that was coursing through him, but he welcomed it. He'd given so much to the tiny woman before him, and it had all been a lie.
"You want to hear about my 'tragic romance'? How's this for you? I met Angel in a dark alley, where I gave him a swift kick in the ass and he gave me a silver cross. I didn't know who he was, where he came from, what he was doing here. I found out he was a vampire during our first kiss. He staked his sire for me, I burned him with the cross he gave me. The next time I saw him was the day I found out I was going to *die*. I was only *sixteen* back then." Her voice was rising in volume with each memory she relived, and she spoke faster and faster, wanting to get past all the pain as fast as possible.
"He helped Xander save me, and then he danced with me at the Spring Fling. He was there for me when I had a near-nervous breakdown, *after* I made him jealous by nearly giving Xander a lap dance. We tried the dating thing, but slaying always got in the way. The night I first told him I loved him? He told me about the girl he'd driven insane and turned into a vampire."
"And you told him you loved him after he told you *that*?" Riley asked incredulously.
She ignored him. "I saved him when said psycho vampire tried to kill him, only to then be the one to make his soul take a few months' vacation after we made love on my seventeenth birthday. I watched his evil version kill Giles' girlfriend. And then I sent *Angel* to hell. Literally." There were tears in her eyes now as she submerged herself in the memories she'd locked away for so long. It all came rushing back in a flood of pain and sadness and tears and she just kept going, kept talking because the gates were unlocked now and she couldn't stop.
"I ran away. After I came back, he came back. We tried to be friends, but how could we after everything we'd gone through? He tried to kill himself, my mom tried to kill me. We tried to be friends again." She wiped at the tears that were flowing down her cheeks. "We got back together. He told me he loved me from the first moment he saw me, and then a few weeks later he broke up with me. IN A SEWER. A few days before my senior *Prom*."
"I guess I should feel lucky that you're dumping me in a hospital, right?" Riley asked, instantly regretting his words as her tears fell harder.
"Yeah, I think you should. Angel showed up at the Prom in a tux and we danced...and then Faith poisoned him and I made him drink my blood so he'd get better," Buffy said as she reached up to finger his mark.
"The scar...Faith was telling the truth."
Buffy nodded. "He helped me blow up the school and then he left with my blood pumping through his veins. I didn't see him until November, when I came to L.A. to yell at him for coming to help me during Thanksgiving. And then..." She trailed off, reaching for the glass of water on her nightstand. The liquid soothed her parched throat and she took a break from the trip down memory lane to clear her head. So many memories...but not the ones she yearned for.
"His blood mixed with a demon's. The demon's was regenerative, and he...he turned human," Buffy said.
She was whispering now, hoping that if she talked quiet enough the memories that were buried in her subconscious would come forth and allow her to actually remember what she was saying. "We...we were going to wait a while, see if the whole human thing took. And then we had sex on his kitchen table. We were together, and everything was perfect. I felt...I felt free."
Riley sat, listening now in rapt fascination as his heart broke in two. She never had been his to begin with.
"And then he turned the day back because he found out I was going to die if he stayed human, but I was still pregnant. I don't remember anything that happened that day -- "
"So he could be lying! They could be mine," Riley interjected, pointed awkwardly at her stomach. Buffy gave him a sympathetic smile.
"Riley, I'm three months pregnant. You and I didn't start sleeping together until January," she reminded him, wincing as his face fell.
"They really are his?"
She nodded. "I'm so sorry. I didn't...I didn't want you to find out like this. I should've told you the truth sooner, but I was so afraid...I was afraid to because if I told you it would mean that I'd have to let go of all that history so I could be with you. And I wasn't ready to do that."
A long silence followed, and Riley tried to piece the bits of information she'd told him together. He hated the vampire for what he'd done to her, and he hated him for taking Buffy away again. It was more than obvious to even the casual observer (and he was slightly more than casual) that the two of them were trying to work things out...and where did that leave him?
"I can't believe this is happening," he said at last, slumping over in his chair. Buffy raised a hesitant hand and touched his shoulder. "I mean, it's just so unreal. First Faith, and now this...I should've known there was something off when I..."
"When you slept with her?" Buffy supplied, her voice harder than she'd intended. Riley's eyes darted up to meet hers and he shied away when he saw the anger reflected in her hazel ones.
"I...I slept with *you*. I thought -- although I guess I should have known. The things she did..."
"And you really thought that was me?! Faith saunters in with her skimpy clothes and raging hormones and you just think I was up for some kinky sex?" Buffy demanded.
Riley sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "It all just happened so suddenly, Buffy, I mean she was there and the next thing I knew we were..." He trailed off at her look. "And then I told her I loved her and when she didn't say it back -- "
"You told Faith you loved her? That must have been one hell of an orgasm she gave you."
"No! I thought I was telling *you*!" Riley told her, reaching for her hand.
She jerked out of his reach. "And it never occurred to you that maybe I wasn't me?"
"I just...I thought you were trying something new. Being spontaneous. God, Buffy, it's not like I knew and slept with her anyway!" Riley cried, throwing his hands up in defeat.
"You looked into my eyes and you didn't see me...and you didn't even know it," she said softly. Riley opened his mouth to protest, and then realized it was futile and closed it again. "And Angel did. He saw I wasn't Faith, and I guess that's what makes the difference. Angel and I are...I don't know, meant to be, I guess. And you and I aren't."
He was quiet for a moment, and Buffy couldn't help but feel sorry for him. His entire world had been turned upside down because of her...and on top of it she was dumping him.
"So that's it then, isn't it?" Riley said at last. "It's over."
"I don't know if it ever really began," she told him honestly.
"Buffy, I...I do love you," he said, reaching over to take her hand. This time she let him. "You're beautiful and kind and smart and funny and you can kick my ass to next year. How could I not fall for you?" Riley traced a hand down her wet cheek.
"I love you, Riley...but I'm not *in* love you. I never did, and I'm sorry -- no, I'm not sorry for that. I'm sorry for leading you on."
Unhappily, Riley said, "Can't you try? Please? Buffy, we can make this work. I know you're pregnant with Angel's children, but I'm willing to raise them as my own. We could be a family. I don't...I don't want to lose you."
"You never had me," she whispered. "I wouldn't let you."
"Buffy..."
"I'm sorry, Riley, but this is the way it is. I'm not going to lie to you. I can't hurt you like that. I just...I can't pretend to be something I'm not anymore." Her words had a finality in them that was unmistakable. This was it. The end.
It didn't sink in for him; this was just too much to handle. It couldn't be over between them -- it had barely even begun. They were still getting to know one another, getting comfortable with each other. He couldn't lose her now...even though he was.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Riley said.
"I know that. I just hope...I hope that one day you can forgive me," Buffy said.
Unexpectedly, Riley jumped to his feet and crushed his lips to hers. The kiss was desperate, filled with raw pain and heartbreak. She allowed him this last kiss, knowing it was the closure he was going to need. When he pulled away, there were tears glistening in his eyes.
"I love you, Buffy."
"I wish I could say the same," she whispered. "But I can't. You don't deserve to be lied to and...I don't know what else to say."
"I think you've said more than enough," he told her, backing towards the door. "If you knew you couldn't love me like I love you, you never should have said anything at all."
His hand was reaching for the door when she said, "I thought I could. But I'm not the one for you."
Wordlessly, Riley left the room. Buffy collapsed in sobs as the weight of their conversation crashed down on her shoulders. It was sad, having to let him down like that...and with the memories she'd stirred up in the process and the hormones she wasn't used to, she was one big mess. Riley deserved someone who could love him back, who could give herself to him completely. Buffy wasn't her and it was as simple as that. He was better off knowing about everything before he could get really attached.
So why did she feel so guilty?
Angel's arms came around her then. She fell against him and cried into his jacket as every memory they had created together flew through her mind in a myriad of images that blended together into one memory, one constant ache the spread throughout her entire body. She was dimly aware of Angel lowering her onto the mattress, and her tears slowed as she burrowed deep into his embrace.
He was here. That was all that mattered.
Angel held her and gently stroked her hair as she drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
TBC…
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