Disclaimer: The story is mine, but the characters aren't. (If you can find a way to make Carter mine, though, I'll be in your debt forever.) The song I use is Bree Sharp's "Fallen". No, I didn't change the lyrics.
Where are the Angels?
Warnings/Notes: = thoughts =
Lucy is gazing out into space
she has starry eyes, starry eyes
that light up her face like an angel
Lucy Knight sat on the roof of the hospital. She had gotten locked up here once- wasn't it on her first day?
She wasn't locked up here, though. She was up here by choice. She was brooding. Moping. Swimming in her pain. It was pathetic. Even she thought she was being a stupid, sulky med student- so what must everyone else think? What must Carter think? (Carter's opinion mattered very much to Lucy.)
That was why she was on the roof. She didn't want anyone to see her crying.
"Lucy?" a voice behind her asked. "Are you okay?"
Lucy came out of her daze. "Oh," she said dully. "Hi, Dr. Carter. What are you doing out here?"
"Are you okay?" he pressed.
"Yeah," Lucy said with a sigh. "I'm fine."
"I told you never to lie to me again," he reminded her. It was half-joking and half-serious. Lucy half-smiled in response.
"I'm sorry," Lucy said automatically.
Carter waved the apology off. "Don't worry about it." He looked at where she was sitting nervously, then took a deep breath and sat beside her.
"Dr. Carter," Lucy asked with something near astonishment, "you're not afraid of heights are you?"
"No," Carter replied. "I once lost a patient up here. He- she was a suicidal transvestite. I should have called psych, but I didn't think to. All I thought about was getting out of the room. Away from the cross-dresser. She jumped off the roof right here. I tried to talk her out of it but . . ." He paused for a moment, shook his head, and continued. "I watched her go down and I felt like I had died as well. That's one of the worst things I have ever seen."
"It's horrible," Lucy said. "But-"
"I know. It's not my fault. It's the burn victim, isn't it? That's why you're up here."
Lucy nodded, brushing an unauthorized tear away. He had guessed right. Not that it was too difficult. He knew Lucy well enough.
"It's okay to feel sad," he told her. "It's okay to cry."
Lucy nodded again. "I know," she said. Her voice wavered tearfully. But she did not cry.
little girl, little girl questioning me
she says, "Why doesn't everyone have what they need?
Where are the angels, angels, angels?
Where are the angels, angels, angels?"
"Why is everything so horrible?" Lucy asked. Carter was pretty sure she was asking either him or the starry sky. "Why can't everyone just have what they need and be happy?"
"I don't know," Carter said honestly. "The world is just like that."
"The world is miserable!" Lucy said fervently.
"Yeah," Carter agreed. "It is. But maybe we're supposed to learn something from it."
Lucy looked at him oddly. "You're being awfully profound," she commented. "Since when have you become philosophical?"
Carter shrugged. "Since you needed me to be."
I cannot tell you my little darling
all my faith has fallen, fallen, fallen
all my faith had fallen, fallen, fallen
ashes to ashes; all fall down
ashes to ashes; we all fall down
if I could take the world in my arms
I'd take all the wrong and I'd fly
Carter had found Lucy out by the spot where Henry had killed himself. Carter still remembered that very well. He no longer had nightmares, but he would never forget it.
But that wasn't what was important now. What was important was Lucy. She seemed so upset. He could tell that even from his distance. Her head hung down and every now and then she would lift it to look out into the night or to wipe away a stray tear.
God, he loved her so much. Even when he was angry with her he loved her. And even when she was a wreck, he loved her. And even though he couldn't have her, he loved her.
He couldn't have her, not because of him or her, but because of the damned rules. The damned rules said that "Thou that art Residents shall not dateth or engage with thy med students". Or something equally stupid and Ten Commandments.
And Carter supposed that it meant something, that he would wait for her to graduate before doing anything. Wasn't there that Victorian poem he had read somewhere once? I could not love you, dear, so much loved I not honor more. Or something like that, anyway.
So Carter went over to talk to her, to make sure she was okay. He didn't know what he could possibly do to help, but he would try his best.
But he had to remind himself, just in case: =I could not love you, dear, so much . . .=
she says, "Where is the place where the good souls go?
Where they take away, take away the pain that they know?
Where are the angels, angels, angels?
Where are the angels, angels, angels?"
"Where do you think they go?" Lucy asked.
"Who?"
"The people who die."
"Well, I suppose that they go to some sort of heaven."
"What do you think it's like?"
Carter thought about it for a few minutes. Lucy thought he wouldn't answer, but then he spoke.
"It would have to be different for everyone so they could be happy. My brother Bobby's heaven probably involves sports. My father's, however, would have everything he has on Earth, only more."
Lucy nodded. "What would your heaven be?" she asked.
"I have no idea," he responded quickly.
"I'm sorry. That was kind of personal."
"No." He thought about that question too for a while. "It would have to have my friends in it, because I wouldn't want to be alone. And there would be a park with horses. I used to have a horse," he confided.
"Oh, really?" Lucy asked, a little surprised.
"Yeah. And there would be a beach, with lots of shells and sand dunes and waves. The water would be clear. And there would be lots of fish, but nothing that could hurt anyone.
"And," he grinned at this, "there would be a place where you could go to jump inside movies or TV shows. Become whoever you want. You could change things and watch how they would turn out.
"There would be a huge library with books and CDs and movies. And there would be music everywhere. And it would never be anything but sunny unless I wanted it to. And I would have everything I ever dreamed of." He turned to Lucy. "What's your heaven?"
Lucy looked at him and smiled. "That sounds perfect."
"Hey," Dr. Mark Greene said, "have you seen Carter and Lucy?"
"Check for any locked exam rooms," Chuni said with a grin. Randi and Lydia laughed behind her and Jerry and Malik gave her high-fives.
Mark rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the advice."
the stars in Lucy's eyes run down her cheek
like teardrops of fire, still her voice is as sweet
as and angel
Carter thought that Lucy was getting a little better, but then she (finally) burst out crying.
"Why?" she demanded. "Why?"
He knew that she was talking about the rotten world again. But the thing he didn't know was what to do.
"I don't know . . ." he said helplessly. Lucy only cried harder.
It was a very odd feeling. There was a crying female sitting right beside Carter, who felt rather like crying himself. And not just because he didn't know what to do. Because, like instinct, he suddenly knew.
Just like the last time (except that he had two good arms) Carter pulled Lucy in close to him and wrapped his arms around her. She turned her head and cried into his shirt. Since he didn't know where to look, Carter just rested his cheek on the top of her head.
"Shhh," he whispered soothingly. "It's okay." He didn't really think about anything he said after that. The main goal was to stop her crying. To make Lucy better again.
The last place Mark Greene looked was the roof of the hospital. He knew that he sometimes went up there himself. He also knew that if Kerry Weaver found out that she was missing two docs, she would blow a blood vessel. Or at the very least be severely pissed off.
As it turns out, Mark was right. They were on the roof. But he kind of wished that he hadn't found them. It looked like a very private moment.
Not that they were doing anything, in the sense of doing anything. But they were sitting near the edge of the building. Carter was holding Lucy, who was crying profusely into his shoulder. He was rocking her back and forth, back and forth, and whispering something to calm her down.
Eventually Lucy picked her head up. She wiped her eyes- which were probably red- and sniffled, which lead to a hiccup. Carter said something and they both laughed.
Mark, feeling like he was eavesdropping on something horribly personal, left then. Besides, he already knew more than he needed to know: he knew that Carter was desperately in love with Lucy and that he would never do anything about it. Which was sad, but still none of Mark's business.
Secretly, though, he would be rooting for Carter.