Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of its characters belong to Joss & Co. I mean really, did you think they were mine, silly?

****************************************

"Tell us of the castle's defenses, brother," Svein said to Xander as they pulled into the parking lot.

"Don't suppose that repeating for the ten millionth time that it's NOT a castle's going to do any good," Xander replied sourly. Erik shook his head at him, bewildered.

"I do not understand you, Alexander. Clearly you love Anyanka, yet you are willing to lose her rather than-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! Explain, 'willing to lose her,' Erik," Xander barked, twisting in his seat to face the Viking. He turned to the back seat when Svein responded.

"We cannot leave our sister here unprovided for. If she cannot wed, she will return home with us," he announced solemnly.

"But you can't...but she...good grief..." Xander slumped, rubbing his face in his hands as he tried to think.

"The castle, Alexander," Leif prodded.

Xander sighed heavily. It was late enough in the evening that the stores were closed, but he knew that there was an entertainment and food court that would be open until much later. All he could think was to keep them away from as many people as possible, and hopefully manage to lift enough shiny things to placate Anya's family and allow the marriage to take place.

*Then, when this is all over, we'll return everything anonymously, and hopefully the words 'conjugal visit' won't have to become part of our regular vocabulary.*

"Defenses...well, we want to stay away from the north entrance, cause that's the area that's most heavily guarded...and there are, ummm, magickal wards over there...that we want to avoid at all costs, because they...they'll do something nasty to our, ummmm, important manly parts."

Xander thought the Vikings looked suitably alarmed by that boldfaced lie, but then Leif shook his fist towards the mall building.

"We will not be frightened away by such foul magicks. We will burn their enchanted castle to the ground!" he said with fervor, and the other Vikings roared approval.

"We shall enter from the south," Svein informed his brothers. "And work our way north from the inside. Do you know where the treasures are kept?" he asked Xander, who had slumped over despondently.

"Jewelry store?" he guessed listlessly.

"Once inside, you seek the store of jewels," Svein told Gardar. "The rest of us will follow Alexander and set about conquering the north."

"I told you, we don't want to go north. Major bad mojo with the manly parts, remember? And there's nothing there we want anyway!" Xander protested. The brothers shared looks, then laughed heartily.

"You are new at this, Alexander. We have raided many villages, pillaged and destroyed many castles. Such wards and reinforcements as you describe are never put into place to guard nothing. Clearly the north side contains the most wonderous spoils, the kind that will bring the most honor to you and ensure that you will be permitted to marry Anyanka."

"We realize you have not done this before," Erik said sympathetically. "We will all help, but you must be the one to lead the raid, Alexander. It is the only way you may prove that you're worthy of our sister." Xander decided to make one last desperate stab at stopping the insanity.

"You're sure I can't just make you a really nice storage chest, you know, to hold the loot from the raid...oh! Or a boat. I bet I could make a boat. For like, leisure time. Do Vikings, um, have leisure time?"

The only response was Erik's beefy arms hauling him none too gently from the car. Xander groaned. Even if Spike, through some divine intervention or Jiminy Cricket or his happy chip conscience, had actually given his message to Buffy, his friends were off on a wild goose chase now. He was on his own, and somehow he had to get these Vikings in check. He drew himself up, narrowing his eyes and trying his best to look steely and tough.

"Fine. If I'm going to lead the raid, then once inside, you all have to do what I say. And I mean everything I say. That means no attacking unless you're attacked, no destruction of anything unless I tell you it's okay. You guys may be expert pillagers, but I'm an expert...Californian. Things are different here, and you're going to have to listen." The Vikings observed him with varying degrees of skepticism and interest. Xander cleared his throat, holding his ground. He tried to glare more menacingly, even though he was already feeling like an impostor and a fool. Then he really thought about what was at stake. Anya. The cold determination he had been trying to fake immediately became real, and the Vikings nodded agreement. Xander dropped his shoulders in relief. "Okay. That's settled. Let's do this."

Xander led the way so that they couldn't see his lips moving as he spoke to himself silently. He prayed that no one would be injured in this mess. How he was going to insure that, he had no idea, but that was his first priority. Make sure no one got hurt. His second priority: marry Anya. His third: get Willow back for this. That thought brought an evil grin to his face as he trudged on towards the entrance. His Viking companions tensed, raising their swords as they approached the automatic doors. Xander smirked at their gasps as the doors slid open seemingly by magic.

"They know we come and yet they open the way for us," Leif surmised.

"They believe we will be defeated by their magicks. They are fools," Gardar sneered, but the others could hear his slight nervousness. Xander sighed, shaking his head.

"They want you to come inside," Xander said. "The doors open because everyone's welcome to come in. They just kinda count on you not to pillage. It's like the honor system." The Vikings looked blank, and Xander stepped inside. They followed, stepping cautiously.

"Where are the minstrels making that strange music?" Leif asked wonderingly.

"It is quite horrible...is it played to torment those who enter without permission?" Gardar asked, making a face. Xander pointed up at the almost hidden speakers.

"That's a little thing we call muzak, friends. It actually is evil and should be destroyed. Go ahead, knock yourselves out. It's coming from those little boxes up there."

Because 'up there' was a good twenty feet over their heads, Xander was pretty sure that would put an end to it. He was giving himself a mental congratulatory slap on the back when the four slung bags off their shoulders. As one they each produced what looked to Xander like fancy slingshots. Four arms drew back, and four missiles sailed. A moment later a shower of sparks fell down on them as they heard hissing, a high pitched death squeal of feedback, then silence.

"Heh," Xander said to himself, then turned to the Vikings with a falsely hearty laugh. "Good job, men. Ummm, did you guys always have those throwing thingies?"

"Hey! You four, freeze! Hands...hands where...I can...see them."

Xander turned his head, already knowing what he would see. A portly security guard was huffing as he ran towards them. He looked at his companions nervously, but for once the Vikings seemed to be waiting for his instructions.

"Great," Xander said under his breath, his hands shooting into the air. Seeing that the others hadn't moved, he motioned emphatically and was relieved to see them follow suit.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the guard demanded, puffing with his hands on his knees. Xander

"Accident?" Xander tried hopefully. "Sporting equipment...defective...just on our way to return it and you're not buying any of this," he finished in a rush as he saw the man reaching for his walkie-talkie. "Oh, hell. Tie him up."

"Hey! What are you...you can't do that!" the guard sputtered as the four burly Vikings grabbed him, binding and gagging him expertly. The guard continued to make incoherent sounds of protest.

"Should we not rend his innards to warn our enemies of our intent?" Leif asked. The guard's shrieks grew more high pitched and urgent.

"No, we most definitely should NOT!" Xander cried hastily. "This is a rend-free raid, understand?"

"But how shall we strike fear in their hearts?" Svein protested.

"Trust me, when we're done someone's gonna have fear in their hearts," Xander answered, mentally filling in his own name in the blank. Begins with W, ends with W... "Now, just...just put him somewhere, a-away, so we can get on with this! He might have called for backup." Seeing the blank stares of his companions, he snapped. "Today would be good. Hurry up!"

The Vikings moved at the tone of command in his voice, bodily carrying the security guard towards the nearest bathroom stall. Xander had to grin when he saw they had vanished down the tiled corridor labeled 'Women'. He had to admit to himself that it was kind of fun, this outlaw activity. If not for the mind-numbing fear of being caught he might even enjoy-

An alarm bell began peeling through the mall, loud enough to make Xander cover his ears reflexively.

"Damn," he said, turning towards the Vikings who were coming out of the Ladies with bemused expressions. "We're going to have company sooner than I'd hoped."

"Company?" Erik repeated blankly, but Leif clasped his shoulder joyfully.

"A battle claxon!" he cried.

"They will come and defend their castle now," Gardar grunted.

"And we will take their heads!" Svein finished, raising his fist. Xander stared at them all slack-jawed for a moment before shaking his head to clear it.

"Okay, since when are you the Highlanders? There will be no head-taking, here. Because, ewww."

"But we are about to be attacked," Gardar protested.

"No! Not! Not attacked. Not...exactly...look, if we hurry here we can get some good quality pillaging in before the part where we...where we advance bravely back to the car."

"We must battle if enjoined, Alexander," Leif reminded him.

"I said no!" Xander almost screamed.

"I question his worthiness, brothers," Svein said.

"Alexander, you must prove-" Erik began.

"I'm worthy of Anyanka. Yadda yadda yadda. Heard it already. Look, Erik, I know this is bad Viking form or whatever, but I don't want to fight. I don't even want to steal, but I will, because I love Anya and I want-no, I have to marry her. But I'm not going to go around killing people, or getting killed, because if I do, my weddings never gonna happen. Now let's get to the jewelry store, get a few good handfuls and skedaddle. If we're very, very lucky, we'll get out of here with splitting headaches from this damn alarm but pretty much not dead and...forget it, just follow me!" Xander stalked off towards the jewelry store, muttering to himself the entire way. "Man, the one plus about marrying a thousand year-old demon had to be the lack of inlaws, right?

"Alexander," he heard Erik call from behind him, but he ignored it.

"Like my family wasn't going to be hell enough to-"

"But Alexander," Erik tried again. At that moment the alarm stopped abruptly, and Xander pulled up short, sighing in relief.

"Thank God, at least now I can think. Need a clear head, so that I can-"

"Alexander! Look!" Erik said urgently, grabbing his arm and pointing behind them. Xander turned and saw a number of uniforms moving in their direction. He cursed under his breath, gathering himself for a desperate sprint.

"New plan. Run!" Xander was relieved to hear the clamor of the Vikings galloping behind him, and he fought to try to think of a way out of this one. Between breaths he began a muttered plea. "Don't shoot don't shoot don't-whoa!"

Xander pulled up short. He blinked. He blinked again. What he saw didn't change. The others pulled to a stop next to him, and Xander looked behind him. The officers were gone, and in their place he saw men dressed in crude armor, brandishing broadswords and hollering battle cries. The walls of the mall had changed to some kind of clear glowing stones, the track lighting was torches on the walls.

"Whoa," he said again. "Not in Kansas anymore...how...oh no..."

"Their magicks have failed them!" Gardar hooted triumphantly.

"Now we fight, Alexander?" Leif asked expectantly. He and the others had drawn their swords and were looking at him expectantly. Xander managed a small nod, still disbelieving what he was seeing. The mall had changed, and now actually was a castle. Xander let loose a cry of frustration. There was only one explanation in his mind.

*Willow. She's done it again, only this time she's brought me to the past. Or some kind of D&D dimension. If I live through this, she`s just moved up to the top of the priority list.*

"Willow!" he screamed. The Vikings raised their swords happily.

"Willow!" the echoed in unison, like it was a battle cry. Xander had no time to correct them. He barely had time to draw his own sword before the battle was engaged.

*******

One more chapter to go...it won't be long now!