Title: Pray Tell

Author: Jeanny

Spoilers: Season 6 Through Dead Things

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Inc., UPN and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Buffy makes a confession. (Takes place between Doublemeat Palace and Dead Things)

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Awfully dark in here.

Ummm...what happens now?

Oh. It's been a while...actually, I've never been in here before, really. For this kind of thing. I just...I need to talk to someone, and I heard...you do this kind of anonymous listening thing...

Oh? But you'll listen, right? Even though I'm not...

Thank you. Good. That's good.

So...I should just start talking, right?

Right. Talking. I'm good at talking, I've been doing it for years. Just...say what's on my mind.

Just talk.

It's just hard, you know? I just...I'm trying to figure out where to start.

The beginning? Not sure I even know where that is, really. I mean...can I ask you something?

How long have you lived here? In Sunnydale? I mean, I don't need exact numbers, but like ballpark...

Really? Then maybe you...listen, you've lived here long enough to know that Sunnydale's not really like other places. I mean, people probably seem to pray harder here, don't they? But then they just...stop showing up, and they turn up dead in kind of...odd...ways and then you see them on the street, right? Only you kind of pretend you didn't...and I bet you have to keep refilling that holy water fountain a lot more than normal, right? People kind of take it with them...just in case...

Oh, good, then you know. About the vampires...

No, I don't need holy water, or a cross, or a blessing. Kinda got that covered...you see, I'm a Vampire Slayer. Well, I used to be THE Vampire Slayer, but then I died and came back...

No, wait, I'm not making fun of, um, Him. I really did die. The first time I was attacked by this master vampire. I was only dead for like a minute, maybe two, but another Slayer was called just the same. A friend gave me CPR. I wasn't gone long enough to see...

Yeah, I know they're dangerous. I still have to kill them. It's my calling. You know all about that kind of thing, right? My sacred duty, or so I'm told...

It is hard, but that's not what...I need to confide in someone here, and I was hoping you'd know...last year I died again, and this time I was gone for months...

I know this is hard to believe, but please, please listen. I was brought back by my friends through some magic ritual that's really not important right now. The thing is, this time I remember where I was. I remember heaven, Father. And it's made living so hard...

Beautiful, peaceful...everything you would imagine it would be...to know that and lose it...I found myself unable to be happy, unable to feel much of anything anymore...and then I...oh God...

No, no, I can do this. It's just...okay. I'm just gonna say it. I've been...I've been having...

I...

I'vebeenhavingsexwithavampire.

Please don't make me say that again. You heard me right.

We're not married...ummm, not really the point, I think...

No, he's different. He doesn't kill people...I mean, he wants to, but he can't. And he helps me kill other vampires and evil demons and stuff, sometimes...

No, he's still an evil vampire. He just can't...he's got a...it's a really long story, can we just kind accept the not-able-to-kill part and move on, Father? I just...it's just...I've been keeping this a secret, from everyone, and it's tearing me up inside. It's like I can't...be with anyone, not my friends, not anyone, because they might know...they might see...what I am. What I've become. I don't want to be this. I don't want to...do...this.

I know. You're right. I should stop. I want to stop, I do.

I...

God help me, I don't want to stop.

I know, I know, I'm just...very confused. I don't know what I want anymore. And lately I've been really afraid...I've got reason to think...that there's something really wrong with me. That when I came back, I came back with some kind of...badness that might be the reason I'm letting...I'm doing...the bad thing already talked about. Would God do something like that to me, Father? Why would he?

Pray? No, not really much...I haven't been much in the mood to talk to whoever's been running this crazy show I'm stuck in...I mean, all I wanted was a normal life, and instead I get death and blood and killing and sacrificing myself and waking up in my own coffin and watching myself get torn to shreds and not being able to relate to anyone and then the only person who I can even stand to be around is some evil vampire that just had to be an amazing lover-oops, sorry, Father, about that last...

Thank you, Father. You`re probably right. And you know, I think there might be one friend, who'll listen without getting too judgey and might be able to help me make some sense of all this.

And I've got to stop having sex with Sp...with the vampire. I'll...I'll try to do that. No, not try. I just...will not. Anymore. With him. I just...it's over. That's it.

You give good advice, Father. Is there anything else you think I should try?

I don't get it. Isn't that a football play?

Oh...I gotcha...

I don't know if I...what the heck. I'll try that too. I mean, if anyone can understand about the whole sacred duty thing, right?

Oh, wait. No. I don't want...I don't think I deserve...I mean, I'm not really Catholic, and I don't think I'm ready for this, Father. I'm too...

No, please, really. Please, no forgiveness, I can't...

O-okay, if you think you have to...I mean, I don't want to get you in trouble.

Thank you, Father. I think...I do feel better...

Okay...You too. Be careful, I mean.

Oh, right, I should leave now. Because...'cause we're done. But I...it's okay if I come back, right?

God bless you too, Father.

Yeah, sorry, still me. I just...this will get easier, won't it?

It has to, Father. It just has to.

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