Title: Recovery

Author: Jeanny

Feedback: Please. jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: I don't mind, just credit me and let me know where it's going.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Season 6 Through Smashed

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Inc., UPN and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Xander tries to put what’s left of the Scoobies back together. A possible ending to Season 6...

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"Does doing bad things make you a bad person?"

He turned, surprised to hear her speak. She hadn't spoken since it happened. Her voice was a bit scratchy from disuse, but it was her eyes that did him in. Her haunted, remembering eyes. He wished he had an answer for her, but answers weren't really his forte.

"It makes you a person who did bad things," he answered finally. She nodded, too tired and sick to cry anymore. Tears made no difference. They didn't heal her. Nothing really would.

"That's what I thought," she said hoarsely. She started to curl up into a ball, and he knew he had to stop her or she'd withdraw completely, lost to them forever. It was a rare moment of insight, but he'd learned not to look gift horses in the mouth.

"You're not the only one who's feeling guilty, you know. Or the only one who made mistakes. We all made mistakes, every one of us. Even Giles. I really wish he had stayed, I think things would have been different..."

"Maybe," she conceded, turning away to face the wall. "But I don't think so. It was all bad before he left. I made it bad..." He watched her for a while, uncertain what to say. In a way, she was right. But it was way too simple an explanation. On the Hellmouth, things were never that simple.

Finally her even breathing told him she was asleep. He kept on watching her. He remembered when she’d seemed so strong to him, almost larger than life. Honestly, it wasn’t that long ago. Then like a building with a weakened foundation, a few good blows had made her collapse, and now she looked so small, so very different. It was heartbreaking to watch, even if she had delivered most of those blows herself.

Finally he stood to leave, feeling immeasurably exhausted and only half done. He would send one of the others in to sit with her. He needed to talk to his other best friend. Xander walked down the hall, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Dawn and Anya looked up at him with so many questions in their eyes.

“How is she?” Dawn asked tremulously. Xander shrugged.

“I think she’s a little better, but...”

“I’ll go sit with her,” Anya said, pausing only to give him a long hug. Anya, his wife. His maddeningly truthful, unpredictable wife was now his rock. She was the one thing he could be certain of in these strangely shifting sands. Xander wasn’t much for praying, but he thanked whatever was out there for sending him this woman, even if it had taken a thousand years. He felt her go, heard her footsteps on the stairs. Dawn fidgeted suddenly, not knowing what she should say, what she should do.

“She’s in the living room,” she said finally. Xander gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand.

“How’re you doing, Dawnie?” he asked. She shrugged.

“It’s hard. I feel so bad, and people are dead. Nice people. And I want everything to just be like it was before.”

“Me too,” Xander said, taking the girl in her arms, surprised as always at how sturdy she was beneath her seeming fragility. “But this is what we got, Dawn. We’re going to get through this together.”

“I wish I were that sure,” Dawn whispered. “I’m just...I don’t want to lose anyone else. And I’m so angry with her. With both of them! How could they be so selfish? How could she let Tara just go? And how could she...Spike...oh God, Xander...” Dawn collapsed into sobs, and he held her, again feeling helpless and inadequate to his task. There were no easy answers here and no one to guide him through. He’d never anticipated that he’d be in this position, trying to help his friends through things as hard as this. Finally she stopped shaking, her tears dissolving into hiccups, and she pulled away from him.

“Dawn, I need to go talk to her now. Are you gonna be okay?” He looked into her eyes, and she suddenly seemed so much older it made him want to weep. He knew that look so well; he’d seen it in her sister’s eyes countless times. Finally he left the kitchen and walked into the living room. She didn’t look at him. She was staring at nothing and everything. Upstairs he had seen eyes so full of painful memories it hurt him to look into them; here he found eyes that were completely void and empty of life. He longed to fill them with something, anything. He wished he were Giles; Giles would know what to do. But he was only Xander, coughing into his hand to get her attention. She turned towards him and smiled, her mouth stretching wide and without feeling into the gesture. It was grotesque.

“Xan, hey. How’s Will?”

“Not good. Will feels bad, Buff. How are you doing?” Buffy shrugged.

“I’m fine. I should have done it a long time ago. I mean, I’m the Slayer, right? Vampire without a soul. He needed slaying, even if I...” A flash of pain, so brief he almost missed it, so terrible it broke his heart.

“If you what, Buff?” Xander asked gently, sitting next to her on the couch and taking her hand in his. It was like holding an ice cube that wouldn’t melt.

“I guess I...Dawn really liked him, you know? She must be so upset; I should go explain...”

“Nah, Buff. I think you should let her be for right now...” Buffy searched his eyes uncertainly, then nodded.

“If you think so,” she said. “Anyway, it’s over. The whole ridiculous saga, it’s finally over. I don’t have to worry about...I’m free of him. Totally, completely free.”

“Buffy...”

“And I can concentrate on the slaying, which I really haven’t been, you know? I’ve been so...there was a lot going on, with Will and her thing getting out of control, and I haven’t really...but now I will. You’ll see. I’m going to get right back out there and kill those demons.”

“Buffy!” Xander said harshly. Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise and confusion.

“Xander, what?”

“You’re not ready to go back to slaying.” He was surprised at himself for actually saying it aloud. He had meant to preface it with some disclaimer, but this was how it came out. And, he realized how it had to be. Buffy’s eyes were now swirling with anger. Anger that was coming at him full blazes, but at least it was something.

“Ummm, excuse me, but what do you know about it? You my Watcher now?”

“I’m your friend. The guy who really cares about you. The guy who doesn’t want to explain to your sister that she’s lost three people she loves in the span of a week.”

“Three?”

“Tara’s gone. She’s left Sunnydale for good. Watching Will...it was too much for her. I don’t know where she’s gone, and I don’t know if we’ll ever hear from her again. She might keep in touch with Dawn...I hope she will, for Dawn’s sake. And whatever I might think of him, and you might feel about him, Dawn loved Spike. She’s going to miss him a lot, and that’s going to be tough for her.” Seeing the life draining out of Buffy again, he continued more gently, “I think she’ll be okay. She’s a tough kid, Buff. She’s the Slayer’s sister, y’know?”

“I love her so much,” Buffy said softly. “This thing with me and Spike, it was just...I had to make it stop. I never wanted to hurt Dawn, I just wanted it to be over...I just want this all to be over.” Xander pulled Buffy into his arms and held her tight.

“I know, Buff. But if you go out there now, we both know you’re not going to come back. The Hellmouth’s been cooking up its usual Wild Evil Surprise during all the distraction. We’ve got no magick tricks up our sleeves, and we’re all hurting. We need you, Buffy. We need the you that was would fight for all of our lives, including your own.”

“I don’t know if that Buffy exists anymore,” she said, and Xander closed his eyes. “I’m just so lost.”

“I do. I still believe in her, Buff. I still believe in you. It’ll get better, Buffy. We’ll help each other. Just like we always do.”

“You’re a good man, Xander Harris,” Buffy said, pulling away from him and giving him a more sincere smile. He returned it almost shyly.

“If I am, it’s because of you, Buff. You and Willow and Giles, you helped me become...whatever it is that I am. You’re not alone. I’m with you Buff. Both of you. Till the end.”

“I just want things back the way they used to be,” Buffy said suddenly, unknowingly echoing her sister’s words. She crumbled so rapidly it was like a building implosion. “Xander, I...I shouldn’t have staked him. I did it because I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t face my feelings, what I’d done and what I...why I was...oh God...” Xander tried without success to quell Buffy’s increasingly hysterical sobs. Dawn came into the room, her face showing alarm. Seeing her sister crying so freely brought tears back to Dawn’s own eyes. Xander gave her a nod to let her know it was okay. The doorbell rang, and Dawn looked at him questioningly. He nodded again to let her know she should answer it. Dawn wiped her tears with her sleeve as she went to the door. She opened it, turning white as she saw who was standing there.

“Hello, nibblet. Big sis around?”

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