Title: She Goes On

Author: Jeanny

Summary: Xander's POV as he deals with the aftermath of the final battle with Glory (sequel to Stuff That Happens While You're Making Other Plans)

Spoilers: Season 5 through Tough Love

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: All Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon and Co. The closest I come to owning them is my collection of action figures. I just like to write about them for the enjoyment of myself and others.

Author's Note: The title comes from a Crowded House song, but it’s really not a songfic. Flashbacks are denoted by brackets [ ].

Part 1 - The Dark

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From the bed I can barely see the view outside, but I can see enough to tell day from night. I remember when that knowledge would have been so important to me, but that was a lifetime ago. Now I just use the window to tell me which to be more worried about: that my friends are out on patrol or that they're coming here. I can tell by the light that Anya's going to be here any minute, and I wish for the thousandth time that I had the strength to send her away. But if my wishes could change things, so many things would be different, wouldn't they?

I hear the whooshing sound that is the door opening, and I close my eyes. I know she knows I'm not asleep, but I just need a second to prepare myself. I open them as I feel her lips brush my cheek, and she's smiling at me. God, Anya has a beautiful smile, and I'm so weak. I want to tell her to go away, that she's better off without me, but I just can't. I can see the curve of her stomach growing every day. Our child, growing inside her. I feel sick. That child deserves so much more than me as a father.

"Good morning, sweetheart," she says softly, and I have to look away. I'm hurting her. I'm always hurting everyone I love. She doesn't wait for me to answer, she knows I won't. I hardly talk at all now. "Willow and Tara send their love, and Dawnie said she'd come by after school." I swallow a moan. Seeing Dawn is so hard, harder than any of the others. Seeing her and knowing that I...that Buffy is gone.

Buffy is gone. The thought still shakes me to the core of my being. Not gone as in dead, although she might be. Just gone. When we closed the dimensional portal that Glory had opened by bleeding Dawn nearly to death, Buffy was trapped on the other side. I close my eyes against the memory and feel Anya's fingers running through my hair, trying so hard to soothe me.

"Giles wanted to come by, to talk to you about, you know, Willow, but I told him that today was a bad day for that." Ever since the battle with Glory, Giles and Willow have been at odds. Willow is convinced that she can find a spell to bring Buffy back, while Giles is afraid such spells are excessively dangerous. He keeps telling me that the kinds of magicks Willow is exploring will be more than she can handle, and might cause us all great peril. Giles wants me to talk 'sense' into her. Like trying to get our friend back isn't the most sensible thing I've ever heard. I'd be backing up Willow 100% if I was up to backing up anyone for anything.

"Thanks." The word slips out of my mouth before I'm even aware I'm thinking it. Anya's beaming, she's so happy that I talked to her, even if it's only one word. She deserves so much more than I can give her. I watch her sometimes playing with her ring, the one I gave her when I promised to make her happy. Another promise I'm not going to keep.

"I'm gonna let you rest now so that you'll be all ready for your therapy. They tell me that you're doing really well, honey. You'll be walking on your own soon. Isn't that wonderful? I think it's wonderful." I still can't believe I got hit by a huge chunk of actual brimstone. I didn't even know there was such a thing as brimstone, but what would hellfire be without it, I guess. The injuries to my legs and back were so bad there had been some doubt I'd ever be able to walk again. I don't care much about my progress, other than wanting to not be a burden on my friends. The doctors now tell me they think I'll make a total recovery, except for the scars. Lots of scars. But we all have scars since that day, don't we?

Anya is kissing me now. Her lips are warm and salty. She's crying again. I don't kiss her back. I can't give her hope, I can't give her anything anymore.

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Willow's nose is bleeding. She's holding a tissue to it, keeping it all wadded up in her hand, like if she makes it really small no one will notice. Tara definitely noticed, though. I saw the look that passed between them. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I know it's not good.

Tara's sanity returned as soon as we destroyed Glory, just as we'd all hoped. But she hasn't been the same, she's like a ghost of herself. Survivor guilt, I think they call it. We all have a touch of that. Some of us maybe have more than a touch. Things are different now, the bad kind of different.

Willow gives Tara a meaningful look, and she leaves the room without a word. Okay, so Willow wants to talk to me alone. That could be good. I look at her face, and see a combination of her guiltiest expression and her resolve face. That could be really, really bad. She takes my hand.

"Xander, we all love you. We've tried coddling you, we've tried screaming at you, we've all tried to give you what you need, and it's not working. You won't let us help you. You won't even try. I've lost too much, I need my friend back. And Anya needs you." I try to look away, but I can't. I think she's using witchy power to keep me looking at her. Not fair!

"I know you're going to be really unhappy with me, but I don't know what else to try, so I'm trying this. You have a visitor, and when he comes in here you're going to have to talk to him, or else neither one of you will be able to leave this room." I relax a little, because it sounds like another shrink. I've been through a half dozen of those, not to mention loads of different meds. No sweat.

She gives my hand one last sad squeeze, and leaves. As soon as she's out the door I feel I can move my head again, but I don't bother. I no longer have a reason to. I hear the quiet sound of the door opening and closing. I wait for him to speak. Total silence. Nothing happening. He's apparently decided to try to wait me out. That's fine by me. I don't say anything. There's no sound in the room except for breathing. Hold on. There's no sound except for MY breathing. I turn and look, and of course it's him. Deadboy. Willow's dead when I get my hands on her.

"Xander," Angel nods a greeting. He looks the same, all big billowy coat and dark handsomeness. Hello hatred, my old friend. It's like he never left.

"Get out." I don't think I've ever been this angry. Willow'd better move out of state.

"Not an option." I've had enough. I swing my legs off of the bed, wincing from the pain of the abrupt movement. They've been telling me for weeks I'll be walking any day now, and today seems like a pretty good day for it.

"Fine, stay. I'm going."

"No, you're not. Willow told you. We can't leave. Energy barrier or something."

"She can't do this."

"She can. She did. Deal." I lie back against the pillows, totally miserable. I know he's right, which is even more infuriating. I turn my head so I don't have to look at him. Just because he's here, doesn't mean I have to acknowledge him. Silence again, but my breathing sounds harsh against it. I sneak a glance at Angel, and he's actually grinning at me. God, but I wish I had a stake right now.

"You can't outbrood me, Harris. Remember who you're dealing with." I'm staring at him now, pure loathing in my eyes.

"Why are you here?" He's not smiling now. He considers my question for a long time, then stares right back at me.

"For Buffy." I turn back away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

"Buffy's gone," I say harshly.

"I know what happened." For some reason this statement unsettles me.

"What do you know?" He pauses again. I'm beginning to feel really sorry for giving my friends the silent treatment for weeks. It's incredibly annoying.

"Spike came to see me. He told me...how." Spike. I should have guessed. Anya told me he disappeared just days after the memorial service they held for Buffy while I was still in surgery. In my nightmares I still hear him screaming at me. I can imagine what he must have told Angel. All of a sudden I really don't care anymore.

"So you know. What do you want to do about it? Hurt me? Go ahead. Take your best shot."

"I talked to Willow, too. Her version of events is a bit different. Now I want to hear what happened from you."

"I'm not talking about what happened, about Buffy, least of all to you."

"I think you will."

"Why?"

"Because you owe her that much."

"Don't you dare!" I'm screaming now, the rage is completely out of control. "You don't know anything about what our friendship was like! I loved her! I protected her! I helped her pick up the pieces when morons like you broke her heart! When we went into that battle I was watching her back!"

"That's right. You had her back. You were fighting Glory's minions."

"We made it through. They were bleeding Dawn to open the portal. Glory changed back into her human form, Ben, and Buffy ran him through with her sword. Willow had found a ritual to close the portal that the key had opened., but someone had to be on the other side to make it work. Buffy tied a rope to herself and told me to hold on..."

"...I felt a tug on the rope, and began to pull. I was trying to look into the light, and I could see a shape on the other side that I knew was her..."

"...and I heard Willow scream my name, and then Buffy's name, and then there was this horrible quiet. And then I heard Spike shouting at me. He kept yelling, 'You let go! You killed her!' Then he started to cry, and I heard Willow and Giles calling my name, and they were crying, and then I passed out. I lost Buffy. It's my fault she's gone." At some point in telling him the story, tears I had been holding in since that day started to flow. Now I can't seem to get them to stop. Angel's sitting on the bed, and I'm shocked to see he's crying, too.

"It wasn't your fault. You almost died, Xander. No one could have held on."

"You could have." Angel shook his head.

"I wasn't even there. But it doesn't matter. What matters is you have to deal with what happened so that you can go on with your life. That's what Buffy would want." Now it's like some kind of floodgate inside me has been broken. I can't stop sobbing.

"It's all my fault! Buffy, I'm so sorry!" Angel takes me in his arms like he would a child, and rocks me back and forth, trying to comfort me. God help me, I actually let him. I've been so lost for so long.

"No, it's not. It's gonna be okay, Xander."

"I let go...I let her go. I let her down."

"Let it out, kid. Let it out."