Title: Spin

Author: Jeanny

Rating: PG-13

Feedback: Please. jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: I don't mind, just credit me and let me know where it's going.

Summary: In the not too distant future, Willow balances her gains and losses.

Disclaimer: The Buffyverse isn't mine and I don't own the characters. Just like using them to weave little story spells.

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My worst fear used to be that all my friends and family would be gone and I'd be all alone. Well, to be honest, my worst fear used to be performing in front of an audience, but drama class helped me get over that. So then, yeah, the alone thing. I mean, Sunnydale, this wasn't exactly out of the realm. Then everyone was turned, and I lived out my worst nightmare, and you know what? It wasn't so bad. On balance, I think I'm the better for it. That's probably the reason Slayers used to work alone. You get a lot more done.

Speaking of Slayers, I have a bone to pick with that whole system. One gets killed, another gets chosen, yadda yadda yadda. No one chooses the job. So generally, Slayers are pretty reactive. Evil in my general vicinity, I slay; evil down the street can take a number. It's not completely ineffective, but you can never really win, you know? The apocalypse just keeps on a'comin.

Now in my case, I chose to fight evil. When I found out what was happening in Sunnydale, I was determined to help stop it. That's why I was able to do it. I was proactive. There isn't a single vampire or demon left in my town. It wasn't easy, of course. I had to put in a lot of hard work. Sacrifice. Pain. But there's no more evil in Sunnydale now. Nothing to slay here. There you have it, the big difference between Buffy and me. Results.

Buffy would disagree. She'd tell a very different story. After everything I did for her, for everyone. I know what she'd tell you. If she wasn't, you know. Dead.

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Buffy's death was the last thing. But then it also was the first thing, so maybe not so much ahead of myself. Bringing her back from the death was a mistake; I know that now. She wasn't stuck in hell. She might not have been in heaven, either, but wherever she was she was happy, and I ruined it. Hallmark doesn't exactly make a card to apologize for that. The thing is, I didn't know. How could I? And at the time I really believed we needed her, and that she was suffering...even looking back now, I don't see how I could have made another choice. It was what I had to do for Buffy. For all of us. For me, especially. I was trying to be a mother to Dawn, and keep that robot Buffy in good order, and keep vampires at bay. It was a total nightmare. We needed Buffy back, and I could make it happen.

So she wasn't real happy about it, the being brought back from the dead. Once she told us where she'd been, no one else was either. I mean, I wasn't either. I told them I wanted to try to fix it, but they acted like I was the one who was to blame. Even Xander, Anya and Tara, though they'd been a part of it. Giles told them all I was being 'cavalier' with my magicks, and all of a sudden its Salem all over again. Talk about 'less satanic than thou' attitudes! They were all acting like I was gonna do something bad. I thought they were my friends, but I was so wrong.

Tara was my life. I loved her so much, and to have her tell me she didn't know me...just because I'd advanced beyond what she could understand. I tried to explain that, but she acted like I was dangerous...and I knew where that had come from. Giles, Buffy, they couldn't leave things alone. All that time I thought they really respected me, really cared about me. It was nothing but lies. They only wanted to use and control me. Sure, if they wanted a spell, or some system to be hacked into, then go Willow! But if I had something I wanted to try, it was all be careful, be cautious, you can't handle that...well, I guess we know what I can handle now, don't we? Well, Giles doesn't really know...cause he went back to England, and he kinda forgot...about stuff. But if he remembered, I bet he'd understand how wrong he was about everything now. I know he would.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Tara. I really loved her, you know? I thought she more than anyone else would understand why I needed to keep at this, get better, be the best at it I can. Be the best. How can anyone expect me to do less than that? And then she just left, and she wouldn't listen to me. I may have overreacted to that. But I couldn't just let her go like that. Eventually she'll listen and everything will be all right again. In the meantime, I've fixed up Amy's old cage super nice, and I'm getting her pellets special ordered at the pet store. She really likes that kind. Nothing but the best for my girl.

Anyway, it hurt almost as much when Xander stopped being my friend. He was always there, in my life, you know? Then he falls in love with a former demon, and suddenly he's all 'Mr. Demon Rights' or whatever. I was pretty sure the spell wouldn't effect Anya; I told him that. He said that wasn't acceptable. Xander didn't trust me. After everything we'd meant to each other, he didn't trust or believe in me. That hurt, but it wasn't the worst part. I still can't believe he actually thought he'd stop me. After everything we've seen and been through and lost, he sided with the demons and the vampires. I mean, you think you know a person...I know better now. You never really know anyone. I understand that better now, but at the time I felt so upset and betrayed...but I could never hurt Xander. I had to make sure he and Anya didn't interfere, for their own good. I hope they like the World Without Shrimp. I hear it's nice, except for the, you know, lack of shrimp. But that's a small price to pay. Oh, that's funny - small price! Heh.

Anyway, I think it was around that time I found out about Buffy and Spike. And the boinking. Just like we thought was happening last year, only that was the Buffy-bot and this was the real deal. I wanted to stage an intervention, but there wasn't actually anyone left around to intervene with, what with Tara being a rat and Giles back in England and Xander and Anya...away. I tried to talk to Dawn about it, but she'd already been totally brainwashed. She thought this Buffy and Spike thing was a good thing, can you believe it? Mind you, she was really upset about Tara and Xander and Anya disappearing, something I don't even think Buffy noticed. Too busy indulging her necrophiliac tendencies, I guess. Dawn figured out what I had planned, and was gonna run to her sister like always. Since getting rid of all vampires and demons in Sunnydale of necessity included Spike, I figured Buffy wouldn't be real pleased. Dawn was a problem, and as much as I loved her, I couldn't let her stop me from doing what needed to be done. It was easy enough to duplicate the monks' spell...she lives down the street now, her name's Terry Archer. Oh, and she's a boy now. But she...he...has two loving parents, and now that Sunnydale's safe, he'll have a happy life. He mows the lawn every other Saturday, great kid. I can still see something of Dawn in his eyes, and it makes me feel sad and happy at the same time. Like I said before, pain and tough choices. I did say that before, right?

I didn't think Buffy would remember Dawn, but she did. I didn't mean to cause her more pain, but what she did in return was unforgivable. I don't know how she found him, but she did. Oz, at my doorstep, pleading with me to stop. He couldn't know what he was asking, only the lies she'd told him. I tried to get him to leave Sunnydale, I even put a little spell on him that I was sure would get him to leave town. I couldn't be sure what the effects of the spell would be on a werewolf. I thought he was gone when I started the spell, but then I saw him, standing to the right of Buffy, with Spike to her left. I still don't understand why he wouldn't go. Did he think I would stop the spell? Did he think that I could? If he did, he was wrong on both accounts. The magicks were too powerful, too strong to be stopped once I set them in motion. If I had tried to stop the spell I would have died. So I had to watch my first lover die instead, and I know it was Buffy's fault. I remember the spell looked like an electric tornado, growing and moving towards them. I remember Buffy screaming, both of us screaming, as Spike turned to dust. Oz turned to run, and I couldn't watch, and then Buffy was coming for me. I recall the look in her eyes, the anger and betrayal and hatred, and how I was thinking how worried I'd been that she'd never really feel strong emotions again, and how I guessed I was wrong. I remember she pulled me down and hit me hard, and I knew I was going to lose consciousness if I let her hit me like that again. And then I would have died and it would have all been for nothing, so...

I don't really know what happened then. I know I did some spell, but it's kind of blurry. The next thing I knew, I was on my knees and Buffy was lying in my arms and I was crying. She was gone, Oz was gone, even Spike was gone. I was all alone. I cried for what seemed like forever. For everything I'd lost, for the choices I'd been forced to make. I know I did the right thing, but I just wish...I mean, it's not as bad as it seems. It's not like I'm totally alone. Amy's my friend, I deratted her so she and I can do spells together. She's much stronger than I am; saving Sunnydale took a lot out of me, and I'll never be that powerful again.

Amy's promised to help me with Tara, too. So one day the three of us will do magic together, and everything will be good. It's not the same as the Scoobies, though. That was special. But we all have to grow up sometime. And in the meantime, I know that Dawn, sorry, Terry, can walk the streets at night and not worry about anything more scary than run-of-the-mill muggers. No more vampires, no more demons. Or Hellmouth. Or Slayers. It's a good thing, right?

Right?

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