Title: When I Was Cruel

Author: Jeanny

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Season Six Through Seeing Red

Feedback: Please. jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing, especially the characters in this story. I'm merely borrowing them for the pure pleasure of messing with their lives.

Distribution: I don't mind, just credit me and let me know where it's going.

Summary: Spike thinks some dark thoughts during Seeing Red.

Author's Note 1: There is some vaguely implied *possible* rape of a character that is not Buffy in this. Please don't go nuts.

Author’s Note 2: Thanks ever so to Supergirl for her wonderful feedback. I’ve fixed the problem you noted, and actually did a little editing to that whole section which I think had made it much, much better. You rock!

**************************************

Look at me now
She's starting to yawn
She looks like she was born to it
But it was so much easier
When I was cruel
-Elvis Costello, When I Was Cruel No. 2

**************************************

There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her, you know. But she didn't like what I have to offer. I was like her bleedin' kitten, bringing her offerings. Dead mice. First they made her scream, then they had to be buried.

Everything about me had to be buried.

That was the part I didn't get, you know. I knew that was how it was at first. I accepted that. I was so desperate to have her I didn't care how it happened, or at least I told myself I didn't care. It was enough to be able to have a piece of her, I said. Even just a small piece, a trifle.

That's what a fool I was.

I convinced myself she cared on some level, and that she'd grow to love me. Sure, I was beneath her. I was the dirt under her feet. But things grow in the dirt, don't they? You plant them and they grow...I thought we were planting something, me and her. And that's the part where I was wrong.

So what to do about this? Oh, there need to be plans now. My plans. Plans that are only about what's right for Spike, finally. I'm thinking an exorcism is in order. This...feeling...I have for her is like a poison, something that needs to be rooted out before I grow any weaker. The thing is, I don't know how...

Except...

There is something. Means leaving Sunnydale. I found out about a while back, but decided...thought I couldn't leave, because...she needed me...she was...we were...she was letting me...

Bollocks. Since when do I worry about a chit *letting* me do what I want, have what I want.

I know since when. Since I fell for the wrongest wrong girl in history. Until now. The Slayer pretty much trumps that time with Cecily.

Cecily. Lord, what a ponce I was, but she was something. So beautiful, so merciless and cold. She tossed me out, and Dru found me. Owed her a big thank you, which I would've delivered by way of massive amounts of death, circumstances having been different.

That was the first big revelation, once I was reborn. Went to see her straightaway, and she had to laugh.

"William. You're a vampire. How did that happen?" she asked me.

"Would be the normal way, luv," I answered, and she nodded, looking pensive. Her cheeks flushed and she actually got a bit flustered at that point.

"It wasn't because...I mean, I didn't..."

"Get me killed? Not entirely. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a part. Don't worry, s'far as I'm concerned you've done me a favor."

"Still...it wasn't why I'm here." Cecily crossed her arms and sighed, and I remember wondering what it was I saw in her. Next to Drusilla, she was positively plain. Figure I must have sensed the demon in her. "The irony is, William, I actually found you rather attractive, for a mortal. But I couldn't become involved. I'm here to do my job, and once I'm done..."

"You'll have to go," I answered. "Be taking off meself, once I'm done with my own little vengeance project."

"Of course," she said, and her cheeks flushed again, now for a different reasons. "You know, William, now that you're...different...maybe you and I could..."

"Oh, that's how it is, is it? You want me now?" I asked her. Grabbed her wrists then, none too gently. Surprised her, but no pain, of course. Take a lot more than that to hurt a girl like her. "Well, guess what, luv? I think you're beneath me." Saw the pain in her eyes then. God, how I loved to see that there. Threw her down and she looked up at me, think there might have even been a tear. Can't really remember, though I know what I said next.

"S'alright, I think I'm gonna like you beneath me."

She struggled a bit at first, but then not so much. T'was a fine shag, my first as a vampire. Dru was a bit cross, but she got over it well enough when I brought her the heart of the man Cecily was going to curse. Best way to send her packing. Never gave her much thought again 'til she showed up at Buffy's house...

Damn. Back to the Slayer again. It always comes back to her. Why was it so different with her? I know she wanted me, I know it...and she screamed. Used to like it when a girl screamed for me. Now it just makes me feel all dodgy. Like I'm already dust and I just don't know it yet.

Enough of this...I need to get back to who I was before. When the screaming meant something. I think it's time to pack up and get out of this hell-forsaken town. Shake the dust off my feet and find my way again.

This dirt beneath your feet is scorched earth, Buffy. Nothing's gonna grow here ever again.

**********

That's it. Of course, I wrote this before the finale...heh...