Natalie Buchanan knew what she had to do. She had to leave Llanview; she couldn't stay, with Cristian and Jen getting married, not to mention the baby. She planned on showing up at the church after the wedding was over, she would give the letter to Professor Reynolds, to give to Cris, then she would board any plane she felt like, and go wherever it took her. She had written Cristian a letter, he and Jen's marriage was the reason she was leaving town; and after all they had been through together she couldn't tell him good-bye in person. But he did deserve an explanation as to why she had left town...right? Right, of course...the plan was perfect she had to do this to know that it was finally over...something that had hardly begun was over. But, Jen was pregnant, and even though he had said that his feelings for her hadn't changed that he still loved her, the circumstances had changed, drastically. And there was no way for them to be together, not now. She just kept telling herself that this wasn't good-bye, this was just 'see you later'. Yeah right, who was she kidding! She hardly ever lied to herself, not anymore...because she never believed herself anyway...and this time was no exception.
Dear Cristian,
I am writing this to tell you that by now I have left town, and I'm sure you know why. But, you still deserve a good-bye and since I know I can't tell it to you personally without causing us both more heartache, I thought I should write it. Cristian, with you and Jen married now, and the baby on the way, all I would be to you is a reminder of something that never was, something could have been, I would have been a what if to you, and what ifs are only a waste of time. There is no going back, Cristian, we can't change what happened between us, and I wouldn't change it for the world. You were more than the love of my life; you were by best friend. What we had or almost had, Cristian, that was something special, but I need you to tuck away all those memories, someplace where they won't stop you from moving on. I know that you will be an exceptional father, that child is very lucky. I know you will be an exceptional husband, one only I can dream of. I have no doubts, so don't let the memories ruin all that, Cris, okay. Put them away for me; think of it as a going away present. I never want to cause you more hurt, Cristian. I love you too much to wait around this town and cause you more heartache. It hurts my heart too much to stay here, and face the loss of a love of a lifetime. Cristian, I want you to know you are never far from my thoughts, and you never leave my heart. I love you so much, and I will love you always. Cristian, thank you so much for all that you have done for me and all you have given me. You have taught me so many important lessons along this bumpy road we traveled, you taught me what love is and you taught me not to waste time. Cristian, this whole thing is my fault, you can trace it back to me if you try hard enough. I should have told you sooner that I was in love with you, I wasted so much time. Too much time. I was daydreaming of our love instead of making it a reality. So I take the blame and I accept the consequences, though they seem a little harsh to me. I mean, losing the only person I will probably ever love, that is pretty harsh. But, I am strong, you know me, I will move on...eventually...maybe...I will never in my lifetime be able to pay you back for all you have done for me. Cris, it was your love, your friendship, your approval that changed me. You make me want to be a better person. Everyone else in this town knew me only as a troublemaker. But, you, you took time to get to know me, and your trust, and your faith in me made me the person you fell in love with. Your love was all I ever wanted, from the day I met you, everything I did was because of you. Because I wanted to prove to all of Llanview, but more importantly to myself, that I was worthy of you, that you were right about me. In the end, I really only changed Viki, Jessica, and Bo's opinions of me. In the process though, I changed my opinion of me. Knowing that you love me makes me feel better about myself, knowing that someone like you could ever love someone like me, WOW! I am still in awe. All of it was for you, Cristian, and to this day you are still in all that I do and everything I say, you will always be a part of me. I wish you the best, I wish you nothing less than everything you have ever dreamed of Cristian and I hope that you find happiness along the way, you deserve it. I will always keep your St. Christopher medal close to my heart; it's the only thing I have left of us. Whenever I see it I think of you and I pray that you are doing okay, that your safe, that we made the right decision, that you are happy, and that you feel my love. Don't you worry about me, Cristian, I will be okay, you know that better than anyone. I don't know where I am heading yet. All I know is I have to leave, it's the best for everyone involved. Well, it's time for us to part ways, you take good care of your family, I know you will. And keep an eye on mine for me since I won't be back for quite awhile. I will never forget you Cristian Vega. Stay true to your heart, you will always have mine.
With all my love, always,
Natalie Buchanan
She dried the tears, and checked the clock. It was that time. She had to leave. She tiptoed quietly downstairs; making sure no one heard her. She didn't want anyone to see her leaving, it would only make it harder. She was going to call Viki and Jessica anyway once she got wherever it was she was going. She was going to miss her mom terribly, but Jess would have her to herself again and that would be nice for her. She and her sister were just starting to rebuild their ever-fragile relationship, and she would miss her a lot. But everyone would be better off now, and as she walked out the door she didn't look back, she couldn't. She wouldn't be able to leave if she didn't do it now. When she walked out there was only one part of this plan she was questioning...would she be better off?
She pulled up to the country club, where they were having the reception and forced herself to go inside. It was coming to a close and people were starting to leave. Afraid she might be seen, or heard, she walked up to Antonio, he was the closest to the door and murmured,
"Um, excuse me Antonio..."
"Oh, Natalie what are you doing here you...."
"It doesn't matter, just give this to Cris for me, okay, Antonio? I would really appreciate it. Best of luck, to you and Keri."
Antonio shifted uncomfortably, and before he could get out an okay she was gone.
He clutched the letter in his hand and walked over to Cris, who was talking to Mami, and Keri, Jen was outback with Lindsay so this looked like a good opportunity to give the letter to Cris. He pulled him aside, and whispered
"Hey Cris, Natalie just stopped by-"
"What, is she still here!" His face lit up with hope at the thought of seeing her.
"No man, listen she asked me to give this to you." He handed Cristian the letter
"Look I will cover for you and say you got called to work, go to the quarry, and read it. I think it's important, she looked kind of upset. I have a feeling Jen won't be in for awhile. O.k.?"
"Okay, thanks 'Tonio I appreciate it man."
"No problem."
Cristian left quietly and got into his truck and drove to the quarry.
He sat down on a rock and began to read her letter. By the time he was finished, he had tears in his eyes. And he never cried. Never. You don't cry when you grow up in Angel Square. He had lost her; he had truly lost her. He sat there and let the memories come, he knew there was no way he could get her back now. Inside, he felt his heart breaking, and he felt so empty and alone. He felt so alone. His heart was shattered, and he felt like a part of him burnt out, he felt so lost without her, without having her near. She made everything okay, she was his world, she was the silver lining in his cloud, she was everything to him. He loved her with everything he was. And without her in his life nothing would ever be the same. Sitting, there alone in the quarry, for the first time he let the tears come.
Natalie sat in her plane seat, looking out the window, staring into the black never ending sky. She just let the tears flow, there was no way of stopping them now. She had to start over and build a new life for herself. Maybe she would go back to Llanview...someday. But for now she just needed to cry and remember. She missed everyone so much all ready; she still planned on calling home when she got herself a room. Maybe just maybe, she would call the loft too. Just to hear his voice again. To remind herself that this is what was best. Because right now, she needed reminding.
She got to her room at the Holiday Inn and the first thing she did was call her Mom. She was worried, and upset but after Natalie explained her reasons, and the whole situation, she understood. Just like she always did. Jess actually admitted to missing her sister and that felt good. To know that she was missed felt good. Two hours later she hung up. And dialed the number she knew by heart.
In the loft the phone rang, Cristian jumped out of bed, to get it, not wanting to wake Jen. He whispered into the phone,
"Hello." Silence.
She couldn't speak, his voice, he sounded so sad, so hurt, so unhappy. She couldn't think of anything to say, she had hurt him. This time she had been the one to cause the pain. So she said the first thing that came to her mind when she thought of him.
"I love you; I will always love you. I'm sorry."
"Nat, is that you?" A glimmer of hope creeped into the edges of his voice. Silence. "If it's you, I love you too. I love you so much."
"Cris."
"Yeah."
"I will be back one day. I promise. On this very day in 18 years I will come back to Llanview. If you still love me then, I will be waiting for you on the terrace. I promise."
"I will meet you there." he said.
"Cris."
"Yeah."
Remember. I love you."
"I will always remember."
"Until then Cristian. Until we meet again."
She hung up. She was having trouble breathing, she wiped the tears away, then she got up and went to her purse. She pulled out a post-it note and wrote down on it today's date in 18 years, and one simple word....home.
A few hours later Cristian lay in bed, Jen beside him fast asleep. He thought of Natalie and how empty his life would be without her, how full of energy, and life she was. So bubbly and sensitive. Her eyes always full of glitter and promise. She was so beautiful; everything about her was beautiful. He couldn't believe he would have to wait 18 years to look into those sparkling blue eyes again. He kept running over their short phone conversation in his head. He didn't want to forget the sound of her voice. He had put the letter in a spot where Jen would never find it. He had hidden it under a rock in the quarry. And he would read it every day, and count down the days until she was back in his arms again. He would always love her, and he would never forget her. She had left him with the beautiful memories, and a beautiful promise. But most of all she had left with a beautiful good-bye.