Intro Song - It's Called Histeria!
Intro
Father Time: Welcome to Histeria's...
WOW: Tribute to Tyrants!
Miss Info: Tyrants!
Loud: Tyrants!!
Napoleon: Tyrants!
BFB: [blows a raspberry]
Fetch: ...that means Tyrants!
Sketch 1 - Atilla the Hun
Father Time: Around 374 A.D., a nomadic people called the Huns emerged from Asia and
overran other lands.
BFB: [gurgles]
Father Time: About seventy years later, a powerful warrior named Atilla became king of the
Huns, and in 441 A.D., he began his conquest of Eastern Europe, driving
entire nations off their homelands.
Cut to a screaming band of riders with spears, torches and hammers charges through a village
at night. People flee. A family watches their grass hut burn.
Hick Farmer: We was plannin' to move, anyway! Thank you.
Father Time: The only village that was safe from Atilla...was Atilla's!
Miss Info: People, we're walking, we're walking...we're walking through the Balkans in
447 A.D., where Atilla is in the midst of overrunning the country! Tonight,
in the Hun encampment, victors and vanquished alike prepare for an evening
of both jubilation and some inner reflection.
Father Time: Ladies and Visigoths, from the plains of Asia Minor right into your hearts,
Atilla and The Hun!
The curtains pull away, and out steps Atilla, a short, axe-weilding man with a long
moustache and a Tasmainian Devil-like demeanor. Accompanying him is "The Hun", a woman
who closely resembles Cher. They perform a song based on the melody of "I Got You Babe."
The Hun: [singing] They say you won't take a bath,
Until you've conquered all that's in your path,
Ooh, ooh, ooh...
And though you only know two chords,
You're still the leader of the Hunnic hordes!
Atilla: Hun.
Me got you Hun.
Me got you Hun.
Me got you Hun.
The Hun: Even though you're not that tall,
The peasants are all fleeing throughout Gaul!
So put your brutish hand in mine,
We'll loot and pillage 'til we cross the Rhine!
Atilla: Hun.
Me got you Hun.
Me got you Hun.
Me got you Hun.
Together: Me got you Hun!
As the song finishes, we get a glimpse of the audience. Mostly Histeria regulars, they
include Pule Houser hanging by chains upside down, Big Fat Baby in a cage, Loud Kiddington
shackled to the floor, Fetch wearing a muzzle, et cetera.
Hun: That's my little conqueror. If he's not destroying a village, he's destroying a
perfectly good song.
Atilla: You're gonna get it.
Hun: Oh, I'm shaking. Let's get a look at the crowd. Wow!
We get to see a few more enslaved Histerians, including Lucky Bob and the Hick Farmer, as
well as Lydia Karaoke and Pepper Mills, tied to each other.
Atilla: Woo, my favorite, a captive audience. [laughs]
Hun: The perfect crowd for our special guest. Let's bring him out.
Atilla: All the way from the Carpathian Mountains...
Hun: Put your mannacles together for Hormidac, the plague-ridden comic!
Onto the stage walks Hormidac (played by Ben Franklin, a voice match for Jay Leno) with
a microphone.
Comic: Boy, I just looted and burned your village down, and are my vestments smoky!
Some audience members laugh lightly, and then begin moaning in pain.
Comic: So, uh...do we have any out-of-towners here tonight? Hey, uh, where you from, sir?
Bill: I'm from Thrace.
Comic: Thrace, huh? I spent a week there one afternoon.
Dead silence, then loud groaning from the audience.
Comic: [taps microphone] Uno, dos, Thrace...is this thing on? Any Macedonians here?
Macedonia...the country so nice, we burned it twice!
More loud groans.
Comic: Hey, uh, do you know how many Macedonians it takes to defend the country from Atilla
and the Huns? More than they had!
The crowd groans yet again. Toast, dressed as a Hun drummer, boredly drums a rim shot.
Comic: And uh, I don't want to say that Sinthians are bad fighters...but they are!
Atilla: [laughs]
More groans.
Comic: I'd like to end my little set with a tribute...how 'bout that Atilla? Get out here,
you little rascal, you.
Man: Booo!! [after which a loud bang is heard, then a shout of pain]
Comic: Now, uh, you guys out there watched as your city was vanquished and your huts
ransacked! And now you're all slaves! But let me tell ya...you're the lucky ones.
Did you ever stand downwind of this little tyrant? He makes the Mongols smell
like a spring day...phee-yuu! And, uh, I don't wanna say he's short...
Atilla: [incredibly angered] So you won't!
Atilla begins chasing Hormidac around the stage, swinging a giant axe.
Hun: Well, that's our show for tonight. Thanks again for making us feel so welcome. But
then again, what are your options?
Crowd: [moans]
Hun: And a big, hearty shake of chains for our guest Hormidac, the plague-ridden comic!
Atilla: Him not laughing now!
Hun: Are you ready to wrap things up, my love?
Together: Me got you Hun!!
Atilla runs off and resumes chasing Hormidac. Fade out.
[commercial break]
Loud Kiddington Jingle (long version)
Sketch 2 - Eyewitness to History: Lady Godiva
Announcer: And now, Eyewitness to History!
Father Time: Around 1040 A.D., a warlord named Leofric controlled much of Central England.
Leofric imposed a crippling income tax on the people of Coventry, which his
wife bitterly opposed.
WOW: [playing Lady Godiva] I'm bitterly opposed. I have a small itch, also.
Don't know why.
Father Time: Her name was Lady Godiva. Seriously.
Miss Info: Now legend had it that Leofric offered to remove the tax, if Godiva rode
through town, nekkid as a jaybird!
WOW: Now that, I can live with!
Horse: Boy, I hope the fellas down at the stable don't hear about this.
As the World's Oldest Woman rides on horseback through town, Loud Kiddington rides a
swingset on the other side of a wall, high above Lady Godiva.
Loud: See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see
it!! [swings back] See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't
see it!! Don't see it!! ...and I don't wanna see it!!
Father Time, Miss Information, and Big Fat Baby watch Godiva ride.
Father Time: Legend has it, that after Lady Godiva's ride, her husband Leofric removed the
tax.
Horse: Now I have a small itch. And I know why.
Toast drums up a rim shot. End of sketch.
[Miss Information Bewitched Parody]
Sketch 3 - Miss Information and Company: Napoleon
Announcer: From the year 1816, it's Miss Information and Company!
Miss Info: And who's our company for today? Why, it's none other than...Napoleon Bonaparte,
who rules France with a mighty hand. His left hand, of course, because his right
is always stuck in his jacket! [giggles]
Napoleon: Bonjour, madame.
Miss Info: Oooh, French! Now, Napoleon, what's it like being the emperor of France?
Napoleon: It's like a big birthday party for me! And I have a big chocolate cake, all
mine, mine, mine! And all the presents are for me!!
Miss Info: Ooh, isn't that nice? Well tell me, what was your favorite present?
Napoleon: Austria.
Rim shot, courtesy of Toast.
Miss Info: I'm sure everyone is dying to know...which came first, you or the pastry?
Napoleon: Me, of course. [eats a pastry] However, we are both sweet and creamy on the
inside.
Miss Info: But let's not go there, okay? [clears throat] Napoleon, so tell us...how many
battles have you lost?
Napoleon: [agitated] None! Never lost any!
Miss Info: Hmm, that's funny! What about the battle of Waterloo?
Napoleon: Oh...[laughs nervously]...battle! I, I thought you said cattle...I have never
lost...a...cattle.
Miss Info: Napoleon, exactly how short are you?
Napoleon: I am not short, I am small-boned!
Miss Info: Okay. Now, last but certainly not least...why do you always keep your hand
inside your coat?
Napoleon: So my wife, Josephine, cannot touch my wallet!
Miss Info: Well! Male chauvinistic tendencies! Named after Nicholas Chauvin, a soldier and
overzealous supporter of Napoleon!
Napoleon: Informative...but not funny!
Miss Info: Well, that's all we have time for today.
Announcer: See you next time on Miss Information and Company!
Sketch 4 - Alexander the Great and Sigmund Freud
Father Time: [a la The Twilight Zone] Sigmund Freud is known as the Father of Psychoanalysis.
In 1886 he studied and treated the mental illness hysteria. Someone he never
met was...
Pepper: One of the most famous teenagers of all time, Alexander the Great! He was born
in the year 356 B.C. All right! I love him!
Toast: Yeah, like, after his old man, King Philip of Macedonia died, Alex became the
ruler of Greece. And he was only nineteen years old, man.
Pepper: With his army, Alexander conquered many lands, places like Asia Minor and the
rest of the Persian Empire! Haa, haaah!!
Toast: He ruled, dude.
Cut to the Kid Chorus.
Kid Chorus: [singing] Sigmund Freud and Alexander the Great,
They never ever met, there is no debate.
When we bring them together, they both get annoyed,
Alexander the Great, and Sigmund Freud!
We see a large tent from the outside; someone on the inside is rampaging, causing the
entire structure to shake and move violently. We hear someone yelling.
Alexander: [voiced like Don Knotts] It's never enough! No matter what I do!! I could
conquer the entire galaxy, would I be "great" then? No! I'm gonna go down in
history as Alexander the "pretty good". You know what I'm sayin'? Not great,
just pretty good! You gotta help me, Dr. Freud! Um, Sigmund...why're you
trashing my tent?
Freud: [settles down] [voiced like Woody Allen] Uh, I'm demonstrating. Now, you are a
very angry young man. When anger builds up, you need to vent, right?
Alexander: Well, when I need to vent, I conquer some tiny, defenseless country!
Freud: Okay, this is not good. See, soon, you will run out of tiny countries, okay, so
I reccommend conquering furniture, because there's always enough furniture to,
you know, smash. Like this. [picks up an urn]
Alexander: Aahh! Not that! [screams as urn breaks] That's my mother's urn, it's a priceless
heirloom!
Freud: Not anymore.
Just as Alexander draws his sword, Miss Information's tour group walks into the tent.
Miss Info: Stay together people, we're walkin', we're walkin', we're enterin' the tent of
Alexander the Great! I'm noticing that Alexander is lacking in his housekeeping
skills! Please note the squalor in which he lives! I'm spraying disinfectant,
stay with me, people. I'm sprayin'...[walks out]
Freud: So why're you, you know, obsessed with this "great"ness thing? Can we talk about
your mother?
Alexander: [draws sword] My mother?! What about my mother, my mother was a saint!!
Freud: [nervously] Okay...uh, what about your father?
Alexander: [settles down] ...bingo.
Freud: So, your father makes you thirst for power?
Alexander: Yes...it all began when I was still in the cradle...
Long ago, when Alexander was but a (big fat) baby, a lion approaches he and his sleeping
father.
Alexander: My dad was Philip II, king of Macedonia, conqueror of Greece. A powerful leader!
I lived in his shadow, always trying to measure up to his greatness.
The baby grabs the lion just as it's about to strike, swinging it around by its tail.
He slings it into the air as Philip wakes, hardly stirring.
Philip: Pretty good, Alex. Not great, but pretty good.
BFB: [cries]
Alexander: I tried everything to impress my dad...
As Philip reads the paper, teenage Alex rides a group of wild horses on his shield, even
picking one up and holding it above his head at one point. Surfing over to his father,
he dismounts perfectly. But his father is still unimpressed.
Philip: Pretty good, Alex. Not great, but pretty good.
Back in the tent, Alex sobs.
Alexander: [crying] It was just...so unfair! [cries loudly, blows nose]
Freud: So to impress your father, you embarked on a quest to conquer the world.
Alexander: Yeah...it's like...I don't know, I get this urge, you know, like, uh...I wanna
crush somethin'. So I pick a country! [spins globe, stops it with his
fist] There, what's this, Iowa? Did I conquer Iowa yet?! Bah, it's no use!
I've conquered the world, but I can still hear my father! "Pretty good, Alex.
Not great, but pretty good."
Freud: Okay, Alexander, you will never win the approval of your father, no matter how many
worlds you conquer. So you must be judged by history. Now, I know someone. He's
an expert, he can give you the one thing you're craving. [whistles]
Alexander: [excited] What, what, what can he give me?!
Freud: Well, in psychiatry, we call it "validation". Alexander, meet my friend, Bill
Straitman. Bill here is a polling expert from the Gallup organization. He
recently asked historians worldwide how they felt about you.
Straitman: According to our poll, 68% of historians say that you are..."great"!
Alexander: Yes!
Straitman: And 32% say that you are "fair to middling".
Alexander: What does that mean?
Straitman: Your ratings are...pretty good.
Alexander: [screams]
Freud: Perhaps that was a...poor choice of words.
Alexander: I'll never be great!
Miss Info: We're walking, we're walking, and we're leaving the encampment of Alexander the...
pretty good.
Alexander: [screams]
[commercial break]
Sketch 5 - The Untouchable Cleopatra
We begin with silhouette shots of our principals...Cleopatra, Caesar, and Antony.
Father Time: [as a WWII-era radio announcer] Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. North America, and
all the ships at sea. Let's go to press. The year is 48 B.C.
A Roman ship docks in Egypt, where Caesar and several soldiers walk ashore.
Father Time: Julius Caesar travels from Rome to Alexandria, Egypt to settle a dispute between
Cleopatra and her brother, Ptolemy the eighth. Uh, thirteen, make that. The
great queen had been banished from the palace. But thanks to the help of a
faithful servant, she was able to arrange a private meeting with Caesar
and plead her case.
Caesar watches as Toast walks in with something extremely large wrapped in a green rug.
Toast: Caesar, a gift from her majesty.
Caesar: [as Frank Sinatra] Man, that's one chubby rock, baby.
Father Time: And that was when Caesar first laid eyes on the legendary beauty that was
Cleopatra.
Toast drops the rug; it was the World's Oldest Woman inside, dressed as Cleopatra.
Caesar: Mama mia!
WOW: That's right, come to mama! I'll take care of my little boy!
Caesar: Aaahh!!
WOW: Oh, Jules, you're so much cuter than your statues.
Cleo grabs hold of Julius, kissing him. He manages to escape and runs out of the room.
Father Time: And so began one of history's most famous and passionate love affairs. But
sadly, it was not to last.
Caesar: Finally, I am free. I'm free! [jumps in sea, swims home to Rome]
Father Time: So Caesar returned to Rome. The beautiful queen found herself alone and
heartbroken.
WOW: I'm so alone and heartbroken! Three years and he still hasn't called!
[to servant] Be a good girl and hand Mommy another box, huh? You know, I think
I'll send the new hotshot Roman ruler a little housewarming gift.
In Rome, much fanfare accompanies the arrival of a giant Sphinx. Toast emerges from its
mouth with a couch covered in pillows.
Toast: A gift for the great Caesar, from her highness Cleopatra of Egypt!
Caesar: Boy, that's one fat couch!
After losing grip on the couch, Toast collapses under its weight. Cleopatra throws aside
the pillows and pops out.
WOW: Surprise! Did you miss your little mama mia, baby?
Caesar: [screams]
Father Time: And so, one of history's greatest couples was reunited. And the people of Rome
welcomed their ruler's new mistress with open arms.
Roman #1: What a piece of work.
Roman #2: Hideous.
Roman #3: Poor guy.
Father Time: But alas, the lovers' blissful reunion was not to last.
Later, Caesar sits listlessly next to a window, when Loud, dressed as a legionaire, runs
in the room.
Loud: Lord Caesar!! Bad news!! There's a plot against your life!!
Caesar: Are you sure?
Loud: Yes, Lord Caesar!!
WOW: Oh, Jules...Mommy needs a little help with her toga!
Caesar: Get me my chariot!
Loud: Lord Caesar, where are you going?!
Caesar: To the Senate, where else?
Loud: But the assassins wait for you there!! It could mean certain death!!
Caesar: I know, I know, yippee!
Loud: What a nut!!
WOW: Oh, ho, ho...he's so brave!
Father Time: And thus, the reign of Julius Caesar would come to a tragic end. Once again,
the beautiful queen found herself alone and heartbroken.
WOW: Again I'm alone and heartbroken! [to servant] Be a good girl and order Mommy
another one. With extra cheese! And be sure to tell 'em you got a coupon!
Toast: Your majesty. A Roman ship enters the harbor.
Father Time: The year was 41 B.C. The great Roman general Marc Antony journeys to Alexandria
to seek financing for his troops. And so began another of history's most famous
and passionate romances.
WOW: Would you look at the pecs on this guy? You work out, don't you?
Marc Antony: [as Dean Martin] Oh, yeah, well, you know, I...[laughs]...I just remembered
something. Help!
Father Time: But alas, it was not to last.
Marc, sitting listlessly on top of a mound of pizza and candy boxes, is approached by a
frantic Loud Kiddington.
Loud: Grim news, Lord Antony!! Octavian's forces have surrounded the city!!
Marc Antony: Really...?
Loud: Yes!! The situation stinks!!
WOW: Oh, Antony, honey? Your baby queen of the Nile needs her back lufaed!
Marc Antony: Yeah, well, uh, hmmm...to the front!
Loud: But Lord Antony!! We're outnumbered twenty to one!! To fight would mean your
certain doom!!
Marc Antony: I know, [laughs] I know! Oh, well, bottoms up!
Loud: He's a nut, too!!
WOW: Oh, he's so brave!
Father Time: And thus, the noble Marc Antony would soon meet his tragic end, never to be with
his beloved queen again. The mighty forces of Octavian defeated the great
Queen Cleopatra, and returned to Rome with the plundered riches of Alexandria.
Cleopatra was forced to seek refuge in her own unfinished tomb. Some said she
was later killed by the bite of an asp.
WOW: Hey, hey, hey, watch your language, buddy! This is a family show!
Father Time: Okay...some said she was poisoned. But we believe otherwise.
WOW: [eating chicken] Is there anymore extra crispy? [chokes] Ahh...chicken bone!
[struggles violently, dying]
Father Time: Unfortunately, the heimlich maneuver had not been invented. And so Cleopatra,
the great and beautiful queen of the Nile, was finally at peace.
Caesar and Antony, resting peacefully on a sea of clouds, are suddenly interrupted.
WOW: Mommy's back!
Marc Antony: Oh! I thought this was heaven! Aaah! [runs screaming]
WOW: Oh, ho, ho! They're so nimble! Now don't you fight over me, boys, there's
plenty Queen of the Nile to go around.
Outro
Father Time: Well folks, that's all the time that we have left for our tribute to
tyrants on...
Atilla and The Hun: Histeria!
Alexander: Histeria!
Freud: Histeria!
Caesar: [singing] Histeria!
Napoleon: Histeria!
BFB: [blows raspberry]
Fetch: That means Histeria!
