I Dreamed A Dream
Part Nine - The Blur Of Life Before
By Breigh
breighbers@juno.com

Ok, this series needs explanation, and here's one:
This series starts around 6 years after "The Storm". When Doug left Carol was pregnant, and she decided to not tell him about the baby. Instead of having twin girls, she had twin boys, Ben and Joel. (You might not like the idea now, but trust me, it grows on you as the series goes along. Also, this story is one of my first, and the next ones are a lot better developed, and they're better than this one, this is just the one that explains everything and gets you into the series.) One day Doug comes back to Chicago for a conference and finds Carol and he meets the two little boys that he never knew he had, and that's where it all starts! Feedback is always appreciated, send mail to: Breighbers@juno.com

Doug starts back at County, and realizes that everything before his sons is slowly fading from his memory.



Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lovers eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sun rise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
at any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

You’re the place my life begins
You'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

Flying Without Wings-Westlife

It’s 2 weeks later. Doug didn’t put his house up for sale yet; he’s not really sure what he plans to do with it. They haven’t told anyone about the baby, even the boys. Today is Doug’s first day back in the ER. They’re going to be starting to build the Pediatric ER in a month, so for now he’s in the regular one. Carol is working with him today, she didn’t want to because she didn’t want to leave the boys with a sitter, but her mother offered to watch them, even though she didn’t want to work because of the twins, she’s glad that they put her on the schedule because she’s looking forward to working with Doug again.

“You two better be good for your Gradmom today.” Carol warned the boys as she set a bowl of cereal in front of each of them.

“We will.” Joel assured her.

“You better be.” She said as she then walked over and then cleaned up the counter area. “What do you guys want for dinner tonight? Ben, you’ve got hockey, so I was thinking about something simple.” She said throwing out the empty milk container.

“Burgers!” Joel yelled.

“And fries!” Ben joined in.

“You want to bar-b-q?” She asked as Doug walked into the kitchen.

“Yeah!” Both boys said excitedly.

“Alright, then that’s what we’ll do.” She looked over at Doug as he walked over and poured himself a cup of coffee. “How are you feeling?”

“Nervous, and anxious.” He said before taking a sip.

“You’ll do great dad.” Ben said as Doug walked over and sat down next to them.

“Thanks buddy.” Doug said roughing Ben’s hair.

“Yeah, and if you need help, just ask mommy, she’s good at that stuff.” Joel said looking over at Carol.

“I’ll do that.” Doug said with a little chuckle just as the doorbell rang. Carol ran out to get it. She opened the door and saw her mother standing there.

“Hey ma.” She said hugging her.

“Hello darling.” She said walking into the house. Carol walked into the kitchen and Helen followed.

“Doug, we better get going.” She said as Doug got up. He saw Helen and shot her a smile.

“Hello Helen.”

“Hello Doug.” She said with a nod. She had differing opinions on Doug, most of them were still bad, but she was slowly coming to see how he made Carol so happy, and how good he was with the boys, and she began to slowly accept him a little more.

“Alright guys, be good.” Carol said kissing each of the boys on their heads. “I love you.”

“Love you too mom.” They both said at the same time. Doug put his arm around each of the boys and kissed them sweetly.

“Bye buds, love you.”

“Bye dad.” They both said, once again at the same time.

“You ready?” Carol asked looking over at Doug. He took a deep breath and looked over at the hospital.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Doug, you’ll be fine.” Carol said getting out of the car. Doug hesitated for a second, and then he got out. “Would you like me to hold your hand?” She asked playfully. Doug looked over at her and smirked.

“Hey Dr. Ross.” Carter said walking over to him.

“It’s Doug, Carter.” Doug said correcting him. Carter just nodded.

“First day?”

“First day.” Doug confirmed as he looked around the ER. It appeared to be unusually empty.

“Oh, hey Doug-you made it on time!” Mark joked.

“Yeah, Carol made sure of that.” He said smiling over at Carol. “Do I have a locker or something?” He asked looking towards the lounge.

“There are a couple empty ones, take whatever one you want and set the combo. Then put on your scrubs and come on out-oh and later you’ll have to go get a new ID tag…there’s a 3 year old in 4 who would be a perfect first day case for you.” Mark said laughing.

“Sure.” Doug said as he and Carol walked into the lounge. Carol went over and put her things in her locker, and Doug found one two down from her, set the combo, then put his stuff in. He then reached into his pocket and took out 5 pictures. Carol watched him curiously as he searched through his bag, then took out 5 magnets and hung up each of the pictures.

“What are they?” She asked.

“Nothing.”

“Oh.” She said walking over to the couch. “Doug, Ben’s got hockey tonight, and his team has a tournament next weekend in Orion.”

“Where?”

“It’s like 4 hours from here. They got us a hotel room, but you have to go to the parents meeting tonight and get all the information. Ok?”

“Yeah-but why can’t you go?”

“Tonight is Joel’s first game in his fall baseball league. Take Ben to hockey, then come by the field, those games take forever.”

“Oh, that’s right. Alright then, I’ll take Ben and then we’ll meet you there.” Doug said slipping on his blue scrub top. He smiled over and Carol and kissed her sweetly on top of the head. “I’ve got a patient.” He said walking out happily. Carol got up and walked over to his locker. She played with the lock, and then she remembered Doug’s old combo from years earlier-she tried it, and sure enough the locker popped open. She lost her breath when she saw the pictures hanging in the locker. There was Ben’s hockey picture, Joel’s baseball picture, a picture of Ben, Joel and Doug in Doug’s yard in Seattle, a picture of Carol and the boys in Seattle, and the last was the one that surprised her the most. The picture was taken almost 6 years ago on Ben and Joel’s first birthday. They were each in their highchairs, and Carol was between them. They were each eating a little cake with only their hands and they had the icing smeared all over their faces and all over their hands and arms. Mark had taken the picture. Carol remembered it well, because that was the day she realized that she would have to do it alone, that she would be the mom and the dad…she sighed and rubbed her hand across the picture, then she crossed her arms over her stomach and she felt as tears began to build up behind her eyes. She would no longer have to be the mom and the dad, and for the new baby’s first birthday she would have Doug there, he would be on one side and she would be on the other.

Doug had seen the kid in 4, and was now doing his chart up at the nurses’ desk. Carol walked up to him after finishing with a patient. She hadn’t talked to him since she’d looked in the locker.

“Hey.” She said standing behind him and messaging his shoulders.

“Hey.” He said leaning his head back and smiling at her. “You doing ok?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah, I’m fine…how bout you?” She asked.

“Good. Not to many people, so I can get readjusted slowly.”

“Hey Doug?”

“Yeah?”

“I saw the pictures in you locker…where did you get the one from the boys first birthday?”

“How did you get the combo?”

“It’s the same as it was 7 years ago.”

“And you remembered that?”

“It was our anniversary-of course I remember it.” She paused for a second. “But how did you get that picture?”

“It’s a copy. I was looking through the photo album downstairs and I found it. It’s alright-right?”

“It’s sweet.” She said kissing his cheek. Mark walked over and set two trauma gowns in front of them.

“M.V.A. coming in-two adults, one child, E.T.A. 3 minutes.” He informed them. Just as Elizabeth, Benton, Carter, Luka, Malucci, and Romono all walked over. “Alright, Doug, Carol and Peter, you guys can get the kid. Malucci, Romono, and Carter get the female, and Elizabeth,and I will get the male. Lydia, Haleh and Chunny fill in where you see people need help.” Mark instructed just as the first ambulance pulled up. It was the little kid. As the gurney wheeled in Doug saw the little boy lying lethargic. He, Carol and Benton all jumped to the side as the paramedic’s gave them the bullet. (This is the part where they’d say all that medical lingo, which I don’t know-basically he’s in and out of consciousness, and he may have internal bleeding, cracked ribs, and a broken leg.)

“Ok, on my count.” Doug led as he grabbed the side of the gurney. Carol smiled to herself as they lifted the boy onto the trauma bed, and she watched Doug run quickly around the little boy. She had missed being in a trauma with him; it had been a long time, but finally, he was back.

“Where’s my dad?” He asked as he moved his head as far as he possibly could.

“He’s in the next room bud.” Doug said checking him over.

“Is he going to be ok?” The little boy asked.

“Probably. But right now we want to work on you. What’s your name?”

“Justin.”

“Alright Justin, does this hurt?” Doug asked pushing on his stomach. Justin flinched and nodded.

“Yeah, yeah that hurts.” He said nodding as his eyes started to flutter, and then he passed out.

“Justin-Justin, can you hear me? Come on bud!”

“Doug, there’s blood in his urine.” Carol called up to him.

“Alright, then there must be internal bleeding. Peter, you got him?” Doug asked looking over at Peter. Justin was stable enough to take up to surgery, and Peter raised the guard rails on the bed, and he and two of the nurses that were also helping wheeled the boy out of trauma and towards the elevator to take him up to the O.R., leaving just Carol and Doug in the trauma room.

“I hate cases like that.” Carol said taking off her gown and throwing it in the trash.

“I never used to hate them; I never liked them, but they didn’t effect me.” Doug said as he took of his gown and threw it away.

“I started when Ben and Joel were born; every baby, every little boy, they all got to me.” Carol said shaking he head.

“Yeah, well I never thought about that until this trauma.”

“We’re lucky, we’re really, really lucky.” Doug said as he walked out of the room.

Carol walked into the lounge a few minutes later to see Doug on the phone with a huge smile on his face. Carol looked at him, and mouthed- “Who is it?”

“The boys.” Doug said quietly placing his hand over the phone. “Uh-huh, yeah, mom’s here…ok wait let me ask.” Doug turned to Carol. “Ben wants to know if your still making burger’s.”

“Tell him I will if he wants, but I forgot about his hockey.”

“She will if you want, but she forgot about your hockey…ok, yeah we can just pick up a pizza on our way home…love you too, and be good for your grandmom…alright buddy, bye-bye.”

“What was that all about?” Carol asked as she walked over and plopped down next to him.

“What I can’t call my kids?”

“No, you can, I just didn’t think you would.”

“And why not?”

“I don’t know; this all is still so new.” Doug said leaning back against the couch.

“Well, just as you’re about to get use to it-it’s going to be changing again.” She said placing her hand over her stomach.

“Yeah, but it will be for the better.” Doug said leaning over and kissing her cheek. Then he brushed his fingers through her hair. “I love you so, so, so much.” He whispered into her ear gently.

“Me too.” She said smiling as the two moved in and kissed sweetly, and passionately all at once.

“You almost ready?” Carol asked Doug. He was sitting in an empty exam room going over some paper work. “What is that?” Carol asked as she walked over and looked over his shoulder at the papers.

“My first day, and already they’ve given me the plans for the Peds ER. They’re going to start construction in a month, and they should be finishing around the time that the baby is born.” Doug said sighing as he rubbed his hand through his hair.

“It’s going to be a job, huh?” Carol asked as she walked over and sat down on a bed.

“Looks like it. I have to interview people with Anspaugh-we need around 20 nurses and about 25 docs, at least 3 need to be attendings, but including me we only need 2.”

“Well, I’d like to interview to be a nurse there.”

“You would?”

“Yeah, working with kids is a lot more rewarding, and I think I’m ready for a change.”

“That’d be great, I’ll run it by Anspaugh, but I’m sure he won’t have a problem with it. They’ll just need to get a new head nurse, in this ER.”

“Yeah, they can do it.” Carol said hopping off the bed. “I have to get home to get the boys ready; are you coming?”

“Yeah…yeah just let me get my stuff out of my locker and we can go.”

“Are you going to look over those papers at home?” Carol asked as they walked out of the room and headed to the lounge.

“If I have to. I’m going to take them to the rink with me, and if the meeting gets done early I’ll work on them while Ben is practicing. I just have to go over them, and sign off on some things.” He said as they entered the lounge. “Did you call and order the pizza?”

“Yeah, we have to pick it up on our way home.”

“Alright then, let’s go.” Doug said as the two of them exited the ER.

“Hey mom?” Ben asked as he took a bite out of his pizza. He, Joel, Doug and Carol were all eating at the table. He had on shorts and a tee shirt, and Joel had on his baseball pants, cleats, but no shirt. He didn’t want to risk spilling something on it.

“Yes?” Carol asked setting down her pizza and wiping her mouth.

“We get our jersey’s tonight.”

“That’s good.”

“And Dad, you have to take it to get my name on it.”

“Alright, I’ll drop it off before we leave the rink.”

“Ok…well I want Ross on the back.” He said and then he looked back and forth at Carol and Doug for their reaction. Doug said nothing, but just looked over at Carol. The boys had been using Hathaway as their last name for their whole life-but now that Doug was back, they should have his last name. The only thing was that Ben’s middle name was also Ross; she didn’t want him being Ben Ross Ross. But, she had actually been talking to Doug about it, and they said they could just drop his middle name, so he’d simply be Ben Ross.

“That’s fine with me.” Carol said smiling.

“Really?” Ben asked excitedly.

“Sure, we’re probably going to be changing you guys’ last name to Ross anyway.” Carol said looking over at Doug.

Doug waited at the exit of the hockey rink for Ben to come off. Their practice has just ended, and the coaches had just handed out the jersey’s. They had each got two, a home one that was white, and an away one that was navy. Also each of the kids got 2 pairs of socks, navy ones with white and baby blue stripes, and one was white with navy and baby blue stripes. His team name was the Glaciers and the logo was in the middle of the jersey. Doug smiled as Doug approached and he saw the huge smile on his face. Ben hopped out of the door and walked over to Doug.

“Great practice Buddy.” Doug said as Ben excitedly showed him the back of his jersey. “Number 2! Alright!” Doug said taking his jersey from him. Ben wanted to be number 2 because he idolized Brian Leech, who was a defensemen for the New York Rangers, also he was one of the best in the league. “Man, they’re really cool.” Doug said admiring the jersey.

“I know! They’re awesome!” Ben said as he walked over to the bench and sat down. “And the coach said that he wants us to get navy blue helmets for our tournament, and I saw that Bauer one in the pro-shop.”

“Well, we can look at it when we drop off your jersey’s.”

“Did he tell you about our tournament? If we win we get a trophy!”

“Yep, cool-huh?”

“It’s gonna be so awesome!” He said as Doug untied his skates.

“Yep, but you know it’s a drive, right? They said about 3 to 5 hours depending on how fast we drive.”

“I know.” Ben said as he nodded and Doug set his skates, helmet, and gloves in his hockey bag. “Are mom and Joel going to come?”

“Probably, if Joel doesn’t have baseball.” He said as Ben hopped off the bench and took off his practice jersey. Then he started taking off his elbow pads and shoulder pads while Doug undid his hockey shell (pants). “You did pack a clean shirt, didn’t you? Cause there’s no way I can take you to a place where people are smelling like that!” Doug said laughing as he put the shell, elbow, and shoulder pads in his bag. Then as Ben took off his socks, shin pads, and his cup Doug rooted through Ben’s bag and pulled out a the tee shirt, and his hat. “Here, give me those…” He said taking the equipment from Ben and putting it in the bag, then zippering it up. “Ok, now I’ll be in the pro-shop giving them your jersey’s, and I’ll check out the helmet. Change your shirt, put on your hat…”

“Can I get a power aid?” Ben interrupted him.

“Yes, here.” Doug said pulling out a dollar and handing it to him. “Meet me in the pro-shop, got it?”

“Uh-huh.” Ben said running off over towards the power aid machine. Doug smiled at the little boy. It still was so hard to believe that he never knew about this, that he wasn’t at Ben’s hockey every night. Someone had once told him that once you have kids, your life changes so drastically, and you can’t remember your life without them; everything before them is a big blur. And, they were right. This is what Doug knew; Wednesday and Friday nights he’d bring Ben to hockey, sit in the stands and watch him play, then they’d go home, and he’d say goodnight to each of them, and then go into bed himself. It was like the past years were just a blur, and maybe that was because they didn’t matter. What mattered to him was now, was that Ben and Joel, and Carol were happy. He loved the feeling he got when he saw one of the boys smile, and that was something he greatly anticipated seeing in the next baby. He and Carol had been talking about whether they wanted a boy or a girl, at first he wanted a girl, they both did considering they already had the two boys- but he came to realize that he didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl, hell he didn’t care if they were purple, or if they were green, if he could see them smile, if he had the chance to make them smile, he’d be happy.