24 Steps
Part Five
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me, although I know that in some twisted bizzaro world, I have my own Luka.

Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who has dropped by some words of encouragement. I don't know how long this story is going to be, but hopefully it'll be good. Hope you enjoy this part, which is, btw, a little NC-17.



Luka finished cooking a big stake he had been preparing all afternoon when he took it out of the fire and on to a plate. The only proof of life in the apartment was the constant weird sounds coming from the cartoons Abby kept watching. Normally, her television remained off during the day, and was only turned on at night so that Abby could watch the news. But since they walked into the apartment that morning, the Cartoon Network hadn't been turned off. Sometimes he wondered if she was actually paying attention at all. Her eyes sure were looking at the television, yet they remained in one spot. She wasn't even reacting to the funny and crazy capers Bugs Bunny came up with to make Elmer Fudge's life impossible. He was beginning to get scared. Not only had he never done a detox before, but he was terrified something might happen to Abby. At some level, he knew Carter was right, but he wanted to do this for her, scratch her back like she scratched his when they started going out. He could only pray that this would work, and just be there for her and let time pass.

He put his food on a plate on the table and walked back into the kitchen. After looking in some of her cabinets, he finally found a bowl and served some soup for Abby. He didn't know what people going through detox ate, so he assumed and treated her like she was sick; soup always made him feel better.

Before eating his dinner, he walked over and knelt next to Abby, who was lying on the couch, staring at the television. He put the bowl of soup in front of her so she could see it. "Want some soup?" he asked her.

Abby could feel her whole body trembling. It had been shaking for a while now, and she could feel her toes and fingers freezing. She brought her hand up and pushed the bowl of soup away, the mere smell of it made her want to throw up.

Luka put the bowl on the center table in front of him. He brought his hand up to feel her forehead, which was so sweaty, her hairline was soaked, making her hair damp. She was shaking uncontrollably, and hadn't said a word in a long time, hadn't even moved. He looked at the television. Maybe he should take her to a hospital? Call Kerry? Or someone who knew what to do? He was a doctor, he should be able to handle this.

He suddenly said something he never thought he'd be blurting out. He turned to her, bringing her back from her Looney Tunes reverie, "Do you want a cigarette?" he muttered, hating those words but desperate to see her out of  her pain.

Abby reacted to that. She looked at Luka and nodded her head. He had confiscated her cigarettes as well, and now took them out of his pocket to give them to her. She took them in her hand sat up on the couch as Luka handed her a lighter. Well, cigarettes weren't quite as alcohol, and alcohol with cigarettes were even better, but for now, the nicotine seemed to have a small effect on her. She sat on the couch, legs pressed up against her chest and inhaled the first puff slowly, holding her sweaty hair back. She suddenly realized the Cartoon Network was on.

Luka half smiled. He hated that she smoked, but if it would help her withdrawal effects pass a little soothingly, then he wouldn't pester her now. He stood up to let her have that moment to herself, and walked to the table to eat his food. The apartment had been so quiet, and he was desperate for her to get better so they could sit down and just talk.

Something inside of him was still demanding him to get help, and it sounded remarkably like Carter's voice. But he was at a point in which he just didn't know what to do. Abby was shaking and sweating and very quiet and he didn't even remember if giving her some medication was allowed. Maybe he could. Maybe he could give her something to help her sleep, or something for the pain. But if he did that, he'd have to leave to go to the hospital. He couldn't leave Abby alone here, and he couldn't take her to the hospital with him.

So he decided to wait till the morning, although he knew it would be a hell of a night for Abby. In a couple of hours, she would be father away from the time she stopped drinking, and would probably feel a little better, or so he hoped. They could go to the hospital in the morning and get her something to sleep or turn down the pain a little.

Luka finished his meal and put the plate on the sink, making a mental note to clean a little later. He walked over to the couch, which was next to the window, and where Abby was smoking her 5th cigarette in a row. He sat down next to her and looked at his watch, 9:30 pm. His eyes were already closing and Abby's were wide awake. He contemplated the idea of sleeping for at least an hour, but he just had to keep an eye on her.

"You can go home if you want to," her voice interrupted his thoughts, which she seemed to be reading.

"Hm?" Luka said as he looked over at her, wondering what she meant.

Abby had her head buried in the same hand she had her cigarette. "There's no need for you to do this, I can detox myself whenever I want to," she said in a tone of anger, only her lips moving. "Do you think anyone gave a shit the last time? No. I did it myself and I can do it again whenever I fucking want."

Luka put his hand on hers, and she removed it immediately and sharply, but for a brief second he felt her fingers were as cold as ice. He let out a sigh, "You don't have to do this alone, Abby, that's why I'm here," he said. He figured a friendly approach might do less damage than a romantic one.

"I don't need you or anyone else to fix my life, or pretend to care," she hissed.

Strong words. He knew it was just the withdrawal effects talking, so he didn't let any of her comments really get to him. "Abby..." he said and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Abby snapped as if she was on fire and was preventing him to get burned, and quickly pushed his arm away. She stood up and began to pace the room, with the cigarette still on her hand. "Go home, I don't need you to stay here, you're just making things worse," she sort of yelled.

"How am I making things worse?" Luka asked as he stood up.

Abby rubbed her face, she didn't need mind puzzles at the moment. "You just are," she said sharply.

Something was buzzing inside of Luka, telling him he should leave her alone and that he shouldn't start an argument. Unfortunately, Luka wasn't in touch with his intuitions. He started slowly though. "Abby," he said as he approached her, "Do you really want to destroy yourself like this? If you keep drinking, you're gonna lose your job, and what's going to happen then? You're going to end up dead in an alley somewhere," he stressed.

"I don't care," Abby hissed as she paced around.

"I think you do," Luka said. "It was your decision to stop the first time, when you didn't have anything. Now you have people who care about you, you have your job, you're going back to med school soon, you have me," he paused for a moment, and then continued, "If you keep drinking you're going to lose all that," he finished in a plea.

Abby shook her head and made a pained face, "Leave me alone," she said, now walking towards the kitchen, although she didn't have anything to do in there but drop her cigarette in the sink.

Luka dropped his head, it was like she was deaf, nothing was getting to her. No matter how much he bargained, she was just opting to ignore him. He followed her, but stood between the living room and the kitchen. He put his hands on his hips. "You know, for the first time, I think Richard was right," he said sharply.

As the words entered Abby's ears, she clenched her fists on something, and that something was thrown right at Luka, it was a plate.

Luka reacted in time to duck, and the plate was smashed right against the wall. He moved closer. "Yeah, that's good," he said and gave her another plate, which Abby threw against the wall of the kitchen. "Yeah, who needs silverwear," Luka said and gave her a cup and another plate, which were immediately destroyed.

Abby grabbed another cup from the counter and threw it against the wall. It didn't occur to her that she was destroying her own kitchen, and plates which had been very expensive. Her only thoughts were that every time she released one of the items, her arms didn't feel as heavy, and her ligaments didn't hurt as much.

"Hey, I'm angry too," Luka said and threw a plate against the floor. He opened one of the cabinets, were Abby kept all her china. "There you go, enjoy," he said and helped Abby as she shattered all the crystal against the walls and the floor.

Abby suddenly stopped when there was nothing else to break, and simultaneously, someone from the apartment above hers began to complain by knocking on the floor/ceiling with a bat. Her hair was all over her face and her face was full of tears, but all she could feel right now was anger. She looked at Luka, who seemed nonchalant by the whole destruction, and was merely looking at her.

"Feel better?" he asked her, with his hands still in his hips. Abby didn't say anything, but was still trying to catch her breath. "Good," he said and looked around, the floor filled with shattered crystal. He looked down and saw she was wearing just socks, and her face looked exhausted. He walked over and scooped her up to prevent her from cutting her feet. "Let's try and get some sleep," he mumbled as he carried her away.

Luka laid Abby on the bed. She was still shaking a little, although less than before, and her face was still sweaty. He wasn't planning on sleeping, but since she had done the exercise of a lifetime, he was hoping she would at least drift off for a couple of hours. He took his shirt off and his shoes and slid on the bed next to her. She had her back against him, but he turned her over and put his arm around her so she could rest her head on his chest. He was surprised by her willingness. Abby didn't say anything or moved, but was just shaking a little against him. Luka tightened his arm around her to maybe stop the shaking, but it didn't work very well. He kissed her sweaty hair and took her icy hand, knowing that if she at least stayed sober for 24 hours, she would be able to pull through completely.



Abby laid in bed quietly, still looking at the same spot she had been looking at since Luka laid her there. He had left the lights on, probably to catch her in case she wanted to run away. Moving cautiously, she looked up to see his eyes closed, and snoring lightly. She caught a glimpse at the clock, still 11:39. She was surprised Luka had fallen asleep so fast, although he could be pretending just to trick her. But she knew Luka's sleep. When he was awake, his eyelids looked tense and shut, whereas when he was sleeping, they were slightly open. Quietly and very carefully, she sat on the bed and looked at her own hands. They were shaking uncontrollably, and it seemed that the more she thought about it, the more they'd shake. She ran them through her face and hair to remove the sweat, but the biggest presence she felt at the moment, was her throat, which was dry and throbbing.

Abby stood up, and miraculously, Luka didn't even move. She walked out of the room and stopped in the small hallway to lean against the wall, bringing her hands to her face. It was only 11:40. She had been here for years but it had been only 13 hours. She began to cry. Why? She didn't know, but there were tears all over her face, although she wasn't sobbing or whimpering or even whining. She dragged her feet to the living room, and could see all the crystal on the floor of it and the kitchen. She went back and took a pair of shoes from the hall closet, and very slowly, walked into the kitchen.

In 60 seconds, her throat had gotten twice as dry, and she felt like if she didn't put some water on it, it would dry to pieces. Trying to swipe all the crystal with her shoes, she finally made it to the refrigerator and opened its door. There was juice everywhere, and very slowly and hesitantly she reached on to the back where there was a carton of apple juice. She stared at the container for a while, and then looked at the clock on the stove. She had only been here 13 hours. 13 hours that would be wasted.

She scrolled the lid of the carton open and gulped down the Vodka, or at least half of it. When she first started drinking, sometime when she was a teenager, she couldn't even stand a shot of alcohol, now she could gulp down nearly half a bottle without flinching. She removed the carton from her mouth, and a couple of drops fell on the floor. Her fingers were actually shaking now more than before, and she brought them to her mouth to wipe some of the Vodka which lingered there.

Her eyes were beginning to fill again with tears of rage, and she looked at the carton of "juice" with hate. She moved to the sink and poured the liquid, or what was left of it, down the drain. It was really unnecessary, since it was too late, but she sensed Luka would check every container in her refrigerator in the morning, although he really should have done that when they first walked in. Amateur, she thought. The guy really had no idea what he was doing. She had detoxed herself the first time, he was right. And she did it all by herself, but back then, she did it more out of spite. Stopping the drinking was a way to sort of get back at someone, or something. Her husband, or her mother, or her childhood, she didn't know. But she didn't do it because something better was waiting for her, she did it because she wanted to create better things to wait for her.

Abby threw the carton into the trash and opened the refrigerator again. She took two more cartons and poured the alcohol down the sink, and threw them in the garbage. Trying to avoid the crystal on the floor again, she hopped on the counter and reached over the top of her cabinets to take out a small bottle of whiskey she had hid there. Her hand reached under the stove to take out another bottle, and did the same under the couch and behind the television set. But she left one behind the stove. She walked out of her apartment and threw the bottles down the garbage shoot, getting rid of the evidence.

She walked back in and leaned on the door. Her body had stopped shaking, she wasn't craving anymore.

She walked back into her bedroom, and found Luka still sleeping, snoring a little. She slid next to him and stared at his face, they had both failed. There was no reason for him to keep the light on anymore, so she reached over and turned the lamp off. She didn't care about waking him up now, so she grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips, apologizing for the let down. She knew what she had just done would make things even worse, but, at least for now, it would make the morning come faster.



And it did. Luka opened his eyes, not aware that he had closed them in the first place. He was shocked, though, to see Abby sleeping next to him on the bed. He mentally chastised himself for falling asleep, especially in such an important night, but he had barely gotten any sleep the night before, and exhaustion got the best of him. He decided to let her sleep, since sleeping was now a blessing for both. The color on her skin was back, and she had stopped sweating, maybe she was ready now to be trusted. He stood up and took a quick shower.

Luka scrambled some eggs on the pan and threw in some ham. He turned around to see Abby coming out of the bedroom, looking tired and miserable. He smiled at her, "Want some eggs?" he asked as he showed her the pan.

Abby shook her head and looked around. Luka had cleaned all the crystal from the floor, but was forced to eat on a napkin, and drink juice right from the carton. She sat on the table in front of him and drank some of his juice. She didn't know what to say, and was mostly just ashamed of herself again, even though he didn't know what she had done the night before.

Luka looked up to see her resting her head on her hand. "Do you, want to do something today?" he asked hesitantly.

Abby looked up, "Like what?" she asked.

Luka flinched his face, "I don't know, whatever you want to do," he said. "We have to celebrate your first 24 alcohol free hours."

Abby bit her lip. "I'd really rather we didn't," she mumbled. She looked up at him, "I'm sorry about yelling at you, and breaking all the plates," she said.

Luka smiled, "No problem," he said, feeling he had done something right. "Are you feeling better?" he asked.

Abby smiled and nodded. "I really wanna go back to work," she said.

"So soon?" Luka asked.

"I feel ok," Abby said, looking at the food on his napkin.

"Dr. Weaver said you could take as many days as you like," he said.

"I don't like being without a job," she said.

"Ok," Luka said, mostly not to upset her. He looked at her and put his food away. "Abby, I really want to go to an AA meeting with you," he said sincerely. "Maybe we can go tonight, or tomorrow."

Abby looked up at him, caught between a blade and the wall. She chose the blade. "Yeah," she said with half a smile, "I can arrange something, and, um, we can go next time they meet," she said.

Luka smiled satisfied, "Ok," he said and gathered the napkin, drank some more juice, and threw the remaining of the food away.

There was a knock at the door and Luka turned around to answer it.

"I'll get it," Abby said as she got off the stool and walked into the living room. She opened the door and smiled at Carter.

"Hey, Abby," Carter said noticing her change. "You're looking better," he said, a little amazed.

"Yeah, I'm ok," Abby said and let him in.

Carter walked into her apartment and immediately spotted Luka coming out of the kitchen. They exchanged knowing looks, and Luka decided to leave them alone. "I'll be in the room," he said and walked into Abby's bedroom to review some charts.

Carter sat on the couch and looked at Abby. "What happened?" he asked.

"Do you hate each other?" Abby asked, having noticed the glance.

Carter shook his head, "No, we don't hate each other. We just disagree on some things," he said and looked intensely at her. "Abby, are you ok? Do you still want me to get you out of here?" he asked cautiously.

Abby smiled, "I'm fine, I was just a little, you know, off yesterday," she said.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

Abby took a deep breath, "Oh, you know, still a little weird, but I'm fine," she said nodding her head, but inside she felt like shit.

"Good, that's great," Carter said with a big smile. He didn't know much about alcoholism, and it was a little surprising to know it had only taken a day for Abby to lay off it. But he was really happy that she had.

"Are you going to work?" Abby asked, having noticed his clothes and bag.

"Yep, I just stopped by to see how you were," he said, standing up.

"Thanks," Abby said. "Can you tell Dr. Weaver I'll be back tomorrow?" she asked.

"So soon?" Carter asked.

"Yeah, I hate not working," she admitted.

"Ok," Carter said and looked down at her for a moment. "Abby, are you sure you're ok with Luka here? I mean, I don't think he's handling this the right way," he said.

Abby was a little surprised by that comment, and just raised her eyebrows a little. "No, I mean, he's doing this for the right reasons. I mean, it's not his fault that I'm here, I just, you know, it's... he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't care," she said. She shook her head, "Look, I know you don't necessarily get along, but no one has ever done what he did for me last night, and no matter what happens with me, it's not his fault, it's mine," she stressed.

Carter nodded, "I'll try to remember that," he said. "Let me know if you need anything, I can be here in five minutes," he added.

"Thanks Carter," Abby said.

Carter kissed her forehead, "I'll see you tomorrow then," he said and walked towards the door.

"See you tomorrow," Abby said and closed the door behind him. She turned around and walked into her room, where Luka was lying on the bed and reading a chart. She walked over and slid on the bed next to him, putting her arm around his waist.

Luka put the chart down and kissed her head. "You're still here," he commented.

Abby let out one chuckle and looked up at him. She turned serious, "Richard really was right, you know," she said.

Luka shook his head, "No, Abby, I didn't mean that, I just said it to get you mad and maybe encourage you a little," he said.

"No, no," Abby said. She exhaled, "You don't know what it was like back then, it was ten times worse. I was depressed all the time and miserable. He didn't even like to take me out because he was embarrassed by me. I was... just the worse human being you could imagine," she said. "And it's scary that it might happen again. It wasn't Richard's fault, he was just my husband. And somehow I  don't blame him for cheating on me, he just needed to find someone better," she finished.

Luka frowned, he didn't know if this low self esteem was good or bad. If she was healing or sinking even further. "Don't say that, Abby," he said as he played with her hair. "You proved him wrong, you're a great person, and a wonderful woman. He just couldn't see it the way I can," he said.

Abby rested her chin on his chest to look at him. Normally those words would send her to cloud nine, but now they just really hurt, and made her feel worse. She cleared her throat. "I don't want that to happen to you," she said.

"What?" Luka asked.

"I don't wanna bring you down like I brought Richard down. And I don't want you to feel like you should find someone better because I have a flaw," she lamented.

"You don't have a flaw, Abby. Everyone can push people away, some just actually do it," he said and looked down at her. "Did you know that since my wife died, I haven't gotten anyone to fall in love with me?" he asked and watched as she stared at him. "I've been with women who don't wait three days to break up with me because I can't reach to people the way I used to. I got scared when you came around because I didn't want to push you away. I didn't want to, and yet I tried. But you weren't scared of me. That actually scared me even more," he said with a chuckle. He turned serious, "You're not going to bring me down because I'm not going to let you go down," he finished and moved a strand of her hair out of her face.

Abby half smiled, touched by his words. She raised her chin from his chest and moved her head over to peck him on the lips, only lingered there for a while. Luka brought his hands up and brushed her hair back, and left them resting on the sides of her face. He pulled her head closer and kissed each one of her lips before deepening the kiss, reaching inside of her. Abby caressed his face. They hadn't shared a kiss like this in weeks, since before she started drinking. But even though she was still drinking, she let her body take over, once again.

Luka continued to kiss her even though he wanted to do so much more. He didn't know if this was the right time for sex, and the last thing he wanted was to get in the way of her recuperation. If he was going to make a decision, it had to be made now, because he could feel that fire inside of him growing, and it would burn his common sense in a matter of seconds. "Abby," he said as he stopped kissing her and looked her in the eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked.

Abby nodded, and reached over to kiss him again. Luka let his mind shut off completely, and he put his arm around her waist to get her off him and get on top of her. He deepened the kiss even more, getting rid of weeks of yearning in one single action. His tongue explored every corner of her mouth, as his hands explored every part of her body. He could feel Abby's hands trying to unzip his pants, so he decided to help her a little and his pants were on the ground in a matter of seconds, his mouth didn't leave hers during all this. He unbuttoned the shirt of her pajamas and reached inside to run his hands through her stomach until they were on her back, and then massaged his way to the front again. He thanked God that Abby didn't like to sleep with her bra on, because right now, he didn't think his fingers could manage a bra clip. He stopped kissing her for a moment to take her top off, another item of clothing which hit the bottom. He took his moment to look at her, her ribs more noticeable through her skin now than when they first started going out. For a moment he thought of stopping to give her some food, but he had to get rid of this lava of emotions first.

Slowly, he leaned down and kissed her neck, her collarbone, her chest and her breasts, each one of them thoroughly. He could hear Abby moaning, and her arm was suddenly somewhere else. Abby opened the top drawer of her night stand and without looking, took out a small packet, she didn't even bother to close the drawer. With the condom still in her hand, she slid Luka's shirt off, and his boxers were removed by her feet.

Luka let out a grunted as Abby put the condom on him, and now the only thing between them, was the pants of her pajamas. Luka was always considerate with women, knowing they liked long foreplay before releasing the hounds. With Abby, it had always been that way, since she loved to experiment, and often brought home toys Luka didn't even know how to use. But right now, neither him nor Abby were interested in anything long term. As he caressed her legs, he slid her pants down, only to find that she was wearing underwear, but that didn't stop him from getting where he wanted to get.

Well, it turned out to be long sex after all, and Luka laid next to Abby as soon as they were done. After catching his breath again, he looked at her, and noticed there were some trails of tears on her face. He brought his hand up and wiped her face. "Why are you crying?" he asked softly.

"I'm not," Abby said, wiping her own face. She hadn't wanted to have sex with Luka before because it would feel like she was being a hypocrite with him. Like saying I love you and not really meaning it. She hated herself when she was drinking, and somehow it felt like having sex with him would damage him too. Like passing on a disease. She knew alcoholism wasn't sexually transmitted, that was beyond innocence. But she lied to him again and then sealed it with sex. That didn't bode well with her at all. He was already going down with her and the worst thing was that he had no idea.

When she was going out with Richard, it was ok to be a drunken no one, because he didn't care. Even if she had failed, their marriage was already dead, and he couldn't have given a damn. Now it hurt. It hurt because Luka had done so much and she hadn't thrown his efforts down the toilet. He was lying next to her, thinking his Abby had gotten over the alcohol, not knowing she still had a bottle behind the stove. Carter had gone to work thinking everything was ok, and even Kerry was expecting the old Abby back at County tomorrow. That was 3 people she had let down, and it made her sad to think she would cause so much pain when ever they find out.

"I just, I," she stammered. "I'm sorry, I just," she tried to find the right words but couldn't.

"It's ok," Luka said and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head. "You don't have to be scared, ok? You're gonna get through this, you already are," he cooed.

Abby closed her eyes tighter and cursed to herself. She could get over the alcohol, he was right, but how was she going to get over letting him down... again.



To be continued...

Carolina

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.'' -Dr. Seuss