24 Steps
Part Seven
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, only the ones I made up.

Author's notes: I was always a little disappointed that we didn't get to see more of Carter's recovery, that's why I am going to go deep into Abby's. I've never been in a detox center myself, so I hope I'm doing this right. If you have any questions, corrections, or any suggestions, please let me know.



"This is your room. Not much in it, but you'll either get used to it or light it on fire. Either way the state pays for it," the nurse said as she showed Abby to her room.

Abby walked in hesitantly and put her bag down, looking at the small room which was only filled with a twin bed, which was covered with white sheets. There was a small dresser, but no mirrors. The walls were white, and there was a small window, but the crystal was sealed shut, and there were bars on both sides. Her mouth was incredibly dry, and she suddenly felt the urge to turn around and go home, after all, she could sign herself out at any time.

She sat on the bed and looked up at the nurse, "Can I get an aspirin or something?" she asked.

"Not yet, honey. There's going to be a meeting at noon where you'll be introduced to the group, until then we're going to send your sponsor in," the nurse said.

"I get a sponsor?" Abby asked.

"We have people who work for us as sponsors. Each sponsor gets around four people each month, a new one every week, so if you need to talk to someone all you have to do is ask and we'll get her," the nurse said with a smile.

"Thanks," Abby mumbled, looking around and wondering how she would feel about being sponsored by a total stranger. She had known her first sponsor for a while before she asked to be sponsored, and even then she felt a little uncertain.

"Well, she'll be here in a while, why don't you set your things," the nurse said before she walked off.

Abby looked around the room as she let out a big sigh and sat back against the back of the bed. How did she ever agree to do this? The first time had been so hard, and this one was no different. She could feel each one of her pores producing a little dome of sweat, and she wiped the little space between her nose and her upper lip to get rid of some. She looked out the window but couldn't see much, just the shadow of a tree rocking back and forth. An overpowering feeling of loneliness crept into her, and fright. What if this didn't work? What if in a couple of days she walked out and went back to Chicago as a loser, when everyone was expecting her to pull through? That idea made her feel even lonelier. Being alone in a new place was one thing; being alone when you're surrounded by people you know and love is another. She knew Carter would be there for her no matter what, and Luka seemed to have proved her wrong twice when she thought he would turn his back on her. But what she was scared of was them reaching their saturation point. That at one point they'd get so tired of her emotional roller coaster ride, that they'd show her the door.

But she tried to turn the tables around. Instead of being scared of being left alone, she used that as an incentive. She owed something big to these two people, that at least would hold her through some of the worst parts. She closed her eyes and mentally gave herself a boost, just as there was a knock at the door and the silence was interrupted.



"So she didn't protest at all?" Carter asked as he gave Luka a bottle of water and sat on his couch next to the Croatian doctor.

"No, no, I just came back," Luka said as he grabbed the bottle of water and opened it. "She was the one who said she wanted to quit; I only suggested the detox center, she went willingly."

"Wow," Carter said as he stared into nothingness. "I thought there was something a little off, but I didn't want to think it was this serious."

Luka thought for a moment, neither did he. He was still a little numbed about the whole situation, but concerned. He turned to Carter, "Is she going to be in any pain? Are they going to be rough on her?" he asked in a concerned tone.

Carter bit his lip and raised his eyebrows, "Well, she's gonna be... going through withdrawals, I'd say that's the hardest part. But I'm sure they're not gonna let anything bad happen to her. They might be a little rough with the words, but they know what they're doing," he said honestly.

Luka thought for a moment and rubbed his hands together, "I should have stayed with her."

Carter pressed his lips together, "I'm sure she'll be fine, you did the right thing," he said in reassurance.

"I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I mean, having to be strong all the time, it's hard," said Luka.

"Well," Carter began. "I've been on both sides, being an addict and having one in the family. Just be supportive. Remember that no matter how hurt or disappointed you might be on her, she's twice as disappointed in herself. She's at the bottom, hates who she is at the moment, that's how I felt," he finished truthfully.

Luka massaged the back of his neck, "I try to be, but how does she know I am?"

Carter smiled, "She knows. Even though her brain can't decode that right now, once she gets better, she'll look back and realize we were."

Luka raised his eyebrows, "When she gets back," he repeated. He hadn't thought of that before. How would things change once she came back? He knew they wouldn't go back to the way they were before she began to drink again, and that scared him. He looked at Carter, "I don't know what to do when she comes back," he admitted.

Well," Carter said. "I can't tell you that. But there's an AA group for family members and friends of alcoholics, I think they meet twice a week. If you want me to, I can get you into the one that meets where my AA meetings are."

Luka nodded, "Yeah, thanks Carter." He thought for a moment, mostly about how much he should have gotten more information about this. He was a doctor, and on top of that, had a peer who knew from experience about this... he chastised himself for not seeking help before. "Listen, um, I guess I should apologize about the other day, I knew you were right, I just wasn't thinking straight," he said honestly.

"Don't worry about it," Carter said. "You didn't know what you were doing. I just worry sometimes about what your intentions are."

Luka let out a mirthless chuckle, "Me too."

"I mean, you're dealing with a very unstable person, takes a lot. I just want to know if your heart is in the right place so I can stop worrying about me picking up the pieces when you dump her," Carter said, and felt like he was a father interviewing his daughter's date.

Luka thought for a moment, he really didn't know what to say to that, so thinking about the speech before letting it out was just a waste of time. "I never really thought of this when we dated the first time, and I bet she didn't think about all that happened after that, I mean with me. It just... I don't know, it's really complicated. But I can tell you honestly that I am not using her, I really would never do that," he said and felt like a fool for saying something like that.

"Good," Carter said.

Luka looked at his watch and stood up, "Well, I have to go to work and talk to Kerry."

"What are you gonna tell her?" Carter said as he stood up as well.

"Abby doesn't want me to lie to anyone, so I guess I'll tell her the truth," he said and raised his eyebrows, "I hope she doesn't get into trouble."

"Dr. Weaver will go easy on her, hopefully," Carter said and walked Luka to the door.

Luka turned around, "Well, thanks for everything."

"Good luck," Carter said and watched as Luka walked off, with his hands on his pockets.



"Do I really need to be at this meeting?" Abby asked as her and her sponsor walked down a long hall.

"Yeah. We meet every day, and sometimes they let you skip, but you have to be on your death bed to get permission," Renee joked and looked at Abby, who was looking a little pale. "Do you want me to call the nurse? Maybe they can give you something."

"I'm fine," Abby said. "Just a little nauseous."

"Let me know if you have to throw up," Renee said.

Abby nodded and they walked into the big room, which was half full of people. Renee chose a couple of chairs in the front and turned to Abby.

"When you were in grade school, did you like sitting in the back or in the front?" she asked.

Abby flinched at the question, "Um, I never got much rest at home, so I liked sitting in the back so I could sleep in class," she said.

"I always sat in the back too, it wasn't until I came here when I found out the front is so much better," Renee said as she stared at the podium.

Abby turned to her, "You recovered here?"

"Oh yeah, I live here now too. I had a baby when I came in, but they have a daycare center. And this is not too far from anything," she said and looked at Abby, "Do you have kids?"

Abby shook her head, "No."

"Well, they have a house for relatives, mostly women who want to recover but don't have anyone to take care of their kids while they're here. They have another house for spouses too. Are you married?"

"Divorced," Abby said, trying to concentrate on the questions and trying to control her tremors as well. "You know, I really need to lay down," she protested.

"This won't take long," Renee said, knowing what Abby was going through but painfully aware of the rules of the center as well.

A man approached the two of them with a smile, "Hey, Renee," he said and sat next to Renee.

"Hey," Renee greeted. "Abby this is Greg, Greg, Abby."

"Nice to meet you," Greg said and shook Abby's hand.

"Likewise," Abby said, trying to be polite.

"Greg is leaving us after 40 days of treatment," Renee said proudly.

"Well, I'm not staying another 40 if that's what you want," Greg laughed.

Abby looked at them in a weird way. She wondered if once she finished her program she would be as merry as that guy looked. Everyone around here looked the same way, except for the new people, and even they had a shine in their eyes.

A man approached the podium and began a long speech about his personal experiences, people he had known, updates about people who had recovered in that place, and so other many things. Abby only heard him far away. Her arms seemed to be locked in a crossing position, and she couldn't stop shaking her foot. Finally, the man announced if anyone wanted to share something with the rest of the group and a couple of people stood up to let everyone know about their experiences. Abby listened to this closely. She had watched carefully as other people spoke on her AA meetings, but those people were recovered, not recuperating. These people were vulnerable and scared. They mostly talked about their fears and uncertainties, and she found out that all of them were scared of the same things she was scared about. That made her feel a little better, knowing that she wouldn't be singled out because her problems were different. Most of them were addicted to drugs, others to alcohol. Some had been addicted all their lives, others as little as six months. She felt a stronger connection to those who had been addicted to alcohol since they were teens, like her.

She came back from her trance when she felt Renee standing up next to her, and she looked at her sponsor.

"Hi everyone. For those new ones who don't know who I am, my name is Renee Goldman, and I am a sponsor here," she said and everyone acknowledged her. "Anyway, we have a new patient, her name is Abby Lockhart and I will be working with her for the next month or so, hopefully not longer than 30 days," she added with a smile and looked down at Abby, encouraging her to stand up.

Abby was reluctant, but with her arms crossed in front of her to keep her warm, she stood up, and just waved at the room, everyone acknowledged her and she sat back down.

"Welcome, Abby. Well, if no one else has anything to say, you're all free to go," the man in the podium said and walked away to talk to some people.

Abby turned to Renee, "Can I go to my room now?"

Renee looked at her, "Actually, I was kinda hoping we could go for a walk."

Abby shook her head, "I really don't feel up to walking right now," she said.

'Well, I do this with all my addicts the first day, kinda get to know them better, and the walk will do you a lot of good, trust me," Renee said.

Abby shook her head again.

"Here, you can lean on me, we'll all go for a walk," said Greg as he helped Abby up.

Abby let out a sigh, and finally took his arm to get up, and go on that stupid, painful, unnecessary, and very badly timed walk. Her legs were a little shaky, but she scolded them and began to walk. Suddenly Luka didn't seem so bad, compared to these people.



"Kerry," Luka called out as he walked into the ER, and saw his boss walking from one side to the other.

Kerry, who was holding a bunch of papers, turned to Luka and made a questioning face. "Luka? Where the hell have you been? And where's Abby? If you haven't noticed this is an ER, not your own practice, you can't just walk in here whenever you feel like it," she scolded.

Luka walked up to her, "Actually, I need to talk to you in private," he said and guided her to the lounge before she could say something.

Kerry leaned on the counter and gave him her full attention.

Luka at first thought they'd be sitting down, but she was standing, so he didn't know where to stand. He needed some support, so he leaned on the refrigerator. "Well," he started, not knowing how to really say this. "I don't know if Abby told you this, but she's... was... well, she's an alcoholic," he said carefully.

Kerry nodded, "Yeah, we discussed that when we were going over her contract," she said calmly.

"Well," Luka ran his hand through his neck, and could feel his tension and his sleeplessness where the spine meets the skull. "She, um, last night I had to take her to a rehabilitation center, because she relapsed," he said, but it came out mostly as muttering.

Kerry raised her eyebrows slightly, "Oh," she said, trying to sound casual, although she was very surprised. Suddenly ten million questions came on her mind, and she felt like asking Luka was very inappropriate, but Abby wasn't around, so she had no other choice. "How long has she been drinking?" she asked.

Luka was dreading this, that she would bombard him with questions and he would say something that would get Abby into even more trouble. He didn't want to lie to Kerry either, because then he would have to make up a story with Abby, and then it could get them both fired. So he tried to divert, "Um, I'm not sure, I just... she came to me last night for help, and I told her about the detox center in Rockford, and she agreed, so I took her, I just came back," he said and waited for her reaction.

Kerry nodded understandingly, "When will she be back?"

Luka shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. It's mostly a 30 day program, but it could take longer," he said and shifted on his feet, which caused to change his attitude as well, "Look, Kerry, I know she should have told us earlier, but, just, please don't fire her. This was kinda hard for her to admit, and she's getting help, and..."

Kerry raised her hand to stop him, "Don't worry, Luka. I will deal with everything as soon as Abby comes back. She's under my supervision, not yours. So I will determine how to handle this, ok?" she said casually.

Luka nodded, "I'm an attending too," he said, trying to figure out what she was planning to do.

"But your current relationship with Abby makes it awkward for you to know, or to help me determine what to do. Don't worry," she said as she nodded. Truth was she wasn't planning on firing Abby, or giving her a punishment, after all, she didn't know Abby was drinking at work. But because of Luka's romantic entanglement with Abby, she felt it was very improper for him to be a part of her decision. "So, why don't you just let me know when she is coming back, and tell her we have a meeting and that she has nothing to worry about. And if you talk to her before she comes back, don't tell her about the meeting, that might make the recuperation a little harder, I don't want her to have anything on her mind at this moment." She smiled, "And tell her good luck, and that I hope she's well on her way to recovery," she said. "Now get to work, we have patients waiting out there," she added and walked out of the room.

Luka watched that and raised his eyebrows once she was gone. He was expecting her to go on a rampage about this, because she would be short one nurse. He didn't know Kerry Weaver could be so flexible, Abby was right when she told him there was more to his boss than yelling and scolding.

Patients waiting. He hadn't slept the night before and all this morning, and he could already feel his eyes closing. So he grabbed a cup of coffee and went to his locker to get ready for work.

The door opened again and Chuny walked in. "Hey, Dr. Kovac, where's Abby? Weaver was going crazy about her being late," she said as she went to her own locker.

"Well," Luka said, not knowing how to say this, again. He would have to just make a speech and get ready to tell everyone who asked, over and over again, since Abby didn't want him to lie.



A nurse knocked on Abby's door three times before she opened the door and stepped in. "Dinner time," she chirped, looking for Abby on the bed, but saw her on the floor against a corner instead.

Abby didn't even look up, partly because she didn't know if someone was actually there, since her headache was making her deaf; and partly because even if there was someone there, she really didn't give a damn.

"Honey, I got your Antibuse, that'll make you feel better," the nurse said and set the tray on the bed. She walked over and sat next to Abby on the floor, "Abby, you've been here for two days, you should start eating something, the medicine won't work if your stomach is empty.

Abby removed her hand from her sweaty face and pinned it in between her thighs. "What time is it?" she asked as she cleared her throat.

"6:30," the nurse said. "Come on, get up," she added as she stood up herself and pulled Abby's arm.

Abby looked up finally, her eyes dark with exhaustion, each one of her ligaments aching. She finally pulled herself up painfully and sat on the bed, but immediately assumed the fetal position.

"You're lucky you got Renee as your sponsor, anyone else would have you eating in the cafeteria with the rest," the nurse said and gave Abby two pills. "I'll be back for this tray in a couple of minutes, and it better be empty," she added and walked out of the room.

Abby heard her leave and looked at the pills in her hand. With a little difficulty, she sat on the bed and gulped the pills down with a glass of water. She tried to control herself despite the ache and tremors and looked at the food with disgust. She knew if she ate that she would throw it up right away, but she had barely eaten anything since she came in, only fruit. She looked at the spoon. They always gave them just spoons, and the plates were made of paper, never crystal or ceramic. Even the tray was just plastic, she figured they didn't want anyone trying to kill themselves or trying to harm others. So she grabbed the single spoon and dunk it on the soup, but the shaking hands caused it to spill all over the bed. She put the tray down on the floor and sat next to it, with the tray in front and the wastebasket on her right, she would need it in a matter of seconds.



Luka was woken up at who knows what hours of the morning by the annoying screech of the hotel phone. He turned his back on it, thinking it must have been a wrong number, or a mistaken wake up call, or someone downstairs in need of assistance. That last one made him scoff, and face his night table to turn on the lamp and pick up the phone.

"Hello?" his hoarse voice said. He heard a soft whimper and he wrinkled his forehead. "Hello?" he repeated, thinking maybe it was someone's idea of a joke.

"Luka..."

He frowned when a voice softly cried his name, almost inaudible. So he turned up the volume of the phone and sat on his bed. "Who is this?" he asked, his mind confused.

"It's me," Abby cried from the other side.

"Abby?" Luka said quickly and stood up with the phone in one hand and the base in the other. "Are you ok? What's wrong?" he asked hurriedly.

Luka waited for her reply, but only heard her cry and choke up in her own tears.

"Abby? Abby are you ok? Please talk to me." He began to panic, knowing that they wouldn't let her make a phone call so soon. "Abby? Where are you?" he asked again to give her a little boost.

He heard more crying and whining, and then in the middle of that sea of tears, "Luka, I can't do this..."

The words in a soft moan, almost unrecognizable. He sad on his bed, as if she could see the way he was trying to calm her down. "Abby, listen to me," he said first, trying to get her to at least stop crying and listen, but the sobs continued. "Abby? Everybody here is counting on you. We know you can do this, just hang in there, ok?" he added confidently, but felt weak and scared inside. It just broke his heart every time he saw her cry, but even more now that he couldn't put his arm around her to comfort her.

He could still hear her crying, but he didn't know if she was trying to say something, or wanted to say something, so he tried to encourage her. "Abby? Did you hear what I just said?" he asked and listened closely, heard her still crying, and then the insistent beep of the busy line.

"Shit," he muttered as he hung up the phone, and picked it up again to see if he could get her back, but the line was dead.

What to do... What to do... He began to pace around the room and then picked up the phone again, someone down in the
reception picked it up. "Yes, is there a way I can get the number of someone who just called me?" Luka asked.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Kovac, we don't provide that service here," the man downstairs said.

Luka shook his head, "Ok, thanks," he said and hung up the phone again. Suddenly, like a lightning bolt, he reached into his suitcase and brought out a small card. He dialed a few numbers and waited.

"Rosecrane Rehab Center, how can I help you?" a woman answered.

"Yes. My name is Dr. Kovac, and one of your patients just called me, Abby Lockhart," he said, not knowing if that was the best entrance.

"All of our patients are asleep at the moment, Dr. Kovac. And the phones are unavailable at night," the receptionist said.

Luka rolled his eyes, "She just called me 5 minutes ago crying. Can you please just check up on her? I don't think she's ok," he said a little too fast, desperate because he couldn't do anything.

The receptionist let out a sigh to let him know she was annoyed. "Just a second," she said and turned around on her chair, "Dan? Can you check on Abby Lockhart? I have some guy here claiming she just called him on the phone," she said as she covered the speaker with her hand.

The male nurse looked up and put his magazine down, and began to walk down the hall unwillingly. He finally came face to face with her door and opened it slightly, careful not to let much of the lights go in, in case she was sleeping.

Abby heard the door open and closed her eyes quickly, although her back was facing the door, and as hard as it was, she pretended she was asleep.

The nurse shook his head and closed the door. Some family members would make up any lies to be able to talk to the patients. "She's asleep," he said as he went back to his original position, magazine in hand.

The receptionist picked up the phone, "Abby Lockhart is asleep," she informed.

Luka closed his eyes, "Are you sure?"

"We just checked," she said.

"So she's there?" Luka asked.

"Yes, and she's asleep," the receptionist repeated in a patronizing tone, as if Luka was a child. "Is there anything else we can do for you, Dr. Kovac?"

Luka sat on his bed, thinking. He was her doctor, but he doubted they would give her any special treatment just because he said so. Actually, he was just wondering if they had really checked on her or not, and wanted to know if she was hurting, and why she was crying. "No, no," he finally said reluctantly, and was about to change his mind when the receptionist spoke again.

"Ok, goodnight," she said and hung up the phone.

Luka stared at the receiver for a while before he hung up the phone as well. Letting out a sigh, he put it back on the night stand and looked around. He was scared, and desperate because he couldn't do anything himself. He wasn't imagining things, that really was Abby on the phone, it wasn't a dream. Had they really checked or were they just trying to humor him? He felt useless.

Looking at his car keys, he felt the desire to drive up there himself, and check. But what if she called again?

He looked at his watch, and could feel his left foot shaking without his consent. He needed to know everything was ok, or else he wouldn't get any sleep that night, or the preceding. Not that he would get any after a call like that anyway, even when the people at the center just told him she was ok.

He had a strong feeling that she was hurt, though, although he had never been one for six senses like that, so maybe it was just paranoia. But the thought of her being hurt made his heart skip a couple of beats.

`Withdrawals are the worst part,' he heard Carter's voice in his head. Carter! Luka remembered the younger doctor had the night shift.

Without hesitating, he reached the phone and dialed the number to the ER.

"ER, what's your problem?" the monotone voice of Randi came on the line.

"Randi? This is Dr. Kovac. Is Dr. Carter around? I need to talk to him," Luka said.

"Hold on," Randi said and rolled her eyes. Why did doctors always insist on calling themselves 'Doctor'? It's not like she didn't know their names by now. And she didn't walk around calling herself Desk Clerk Randi Fronzack.

Luka waited for a couple of seconds, trying to think of what he would say, after all, Carter was just as clueless about Abby's situation as he was, but he knew more about what she was going through than Luka himself.

"Carter," the resident's voice came on the line.

"Carter? This is Luka," Luka said.

"Yeah," Carter said, having already gotten the message from Randi. "Is everything ok?"

"I don't know," Luka said. "Abby just called me, and she was crying, and suddenly the line was cut off, and I called the center but they said she was asleep," he tried to summarize everything quickly.

Carter took a moment to gather all this information, and then cleared his throat, "What did she say?" he asked, his voice quite calmed. He had gotten used to Luka's repetitive questions of concern, and Carter always tried to answer his best to calm him down.

"She was crying," Luka said, as if that piece of information needed repetition. "And she said she couldn't go through with the detox, and then she got cut off, or, or, she hung up, I don't know."

Carter frowned, "Did she say she wanted out?" he asked.

"No," Luka said.

"Ok, that's good. It's actually... uh... normal to say things like that, and feel like you can't do it, particularly at night, because she's all alone in her room, and it's dark. If she didn't say she wanted out then I wouldn't worry much about it, she's just scared," Carter said as he reviewed some charts.

"But the conversation was cut off? What if she was going to say that next?" Luka asked, pressing the issue.

Carter shook his head, "She would have said that first."

Luka was still reluctant, "But what about the call? They said the phones were unavailable at night."

Carter raised his eyebrows, "I don't know."

"They said they checked and she was asleep. She can't be asleep, she called 10 minutes ago," Luka said, his own words making him paranoid. "What if they didn't check? What if she ran away?"

"Calm down, Luka. If she had run away, she would have asked you to go pick her up. These people know what they're dealing with. Trust me, they checked. And maybe she just broke into the room where the phones are, who knows? But don't jump to conclusions like that. You have to trust these people, otherwise you're going to lose your mind," Carter said convincingly.

Luka exhaled, knowing Carter was right. Funny how he used to pick fights with Abby about her being Carter's sponsor, and now it was him who was going to the resident every time he needed some reassurance. That ought to teach him to be selfish in the future. "Sorry, Carter, it just..."

"Don't worry about it," Carter interrupted. "I once called my grandma to tell her the same thing."

Luka smiled and let out a breath, "Thanks."

"No problem," Carter said. "Hey, listen, we have a trauma coming in a few minutes, I gotta go."

"Ok, thanks Carter," Luka breathed.

"Alright, man. See you later," Carter said before he hung up the phone.

Luka laid down on his bed and turned off the lamp, but kept staring at the ceiling. Having talked to Carter helped, but still something he said was prickling on the back of his neck. That was Abby being alone in her room, in the dark. That wasn't a good metaphor, he reckoned. He had seen those rooms, merely a bed surrounded by white paint, nothing else, while he was here in a hotel room with free room service, all warm and cozy. He let out a sigh and turned on his side. He really hoped and wished Abby would let him come visit her in a week and a half.

He closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep, but none would come. He kept hearing Abby's cries on his mind, and he couldn't turn it off. Thoughts of Abby curled up on her bed, in pain, and crying danced around in his head, and he knew he would have to knock himself unconscious in order to get some sleep.

So he stood up and grabbed a set of keys from his night table. He knew if he stayed here, all those thoughts would still be coming, but if he went to her apartment, surrounded by her things and sleeping on her bed would make him feel better, it always did.



To be continued...