Disclaimer: They ain't mine, baby.

Author's notes: This part sucks. You have been warned.



"Rivers of Blue Fire" by Carolina



"Wake up call for Dr. Kovac."

"Hm hmm," he mumbled and hung up the phone. Damn that conference. The sun was
out and making its way into bed with him. Sun, sunny day, summer, warmth, parks,
the beach, children, animals, zoos... the zoo. Suddenly he remembered there was
no conference that day, and that he would be going to the zoo. A nice day at the
zoo with monkeys, and tigers and bears, and the hope that the day would bring
good things for the future.

That sent him flying out of bed and into the bathroom. He was showered and
shaven in less than 10 minutes.

He would never know how those valet guys did it, but his car was waiting for him
outside already, perfect timing. He wondered if it was too early, and he debated
on whether he should have called ahead or not, but it was too late as it was,
and he knew Abby always woke up early. Of course, that was Abby the woman
without a baby. Abby the mother he found to be much different. Abby and mother.
Those were two words he never thought he'd be saying in the same sentence.

As he drove he realized he was nervous. Not about Abby, everything was lost
there. He was nervous about Liliana. He knew she wasn't even one year old, but
he was nervous about meeting her while she was fully awake. Not that he was the
human Barney, but kids liked him. Well, they loved his nose. But if Liliana
didn't like him... somehow then he was not welcomed in Chicago. He didn't know
why, but he felt that way. She was Abby's daughter, a baby he had wanted to
have, a baby they had wanted to have. Good God, why now and not 5 years ago?
Timing meant fate, bad timing meant not yours. His hands were sweating.

As he went up the small steps he instinctively searched for the keys on his
pockets, but then remembered he didn't live there anymore, so he dabbed on the
buzzer.

"Who is it?" Abby asked.

A playful smile spread across Luka's face as he got his face close to the
intercom. "Luka wants to take Abby and Lily to the zoo," he said in his best
Elmo voice.

There was a pause. "God, I should call security just for that," Abby said and
the buzzer went off.

Luka shook his head and walked in, proud of his lame joke. He took the elevator
up and found her door open. He knocked in it lightly, "Abby?"

"Come in," she called from her bedroom.

Luka opened the door fully and walked slowly into the living room, finding the
television on Sesame Street. He looked around. Even with the toys all spread
about, the apartment looked clean. It was a nice contrast with all her dark
furniture. "Are you ready?" he asked.

"Just a second," Abby called out again. "Sit down."

Luka punched his palm a couple of times and walked over to the couch. He stopped
when he realized Liliana was there, holding on to a teddy bear and sucking
peacefully on her pacifier, watching the television. He smiled and sat next to
her as Ernie threw Bert a surprise party and they counted their 7 friends over
and over with a playful song.

Liliana looked up at him and he smiled at her and whispered, "Hi."

She hummed and pointed her little finger at the television.

"Do you want something to drink?" Abby asked as she walked in, fixing her hair.

Luka immediately stood up, "No, I'm fine."

"You two getting acquainted?" she asked, getting the stroller from behind the
door.

"Yeah." He looked around uncomfortably as Abby put a couple of bottles on a
little baby bag. It was all weird enough to make him run away or clap his hands
twice to make reality come back. 5 years had certainly gone in a blink, yet his
hair had little shades of gray, and he certainly felt more tired. If he didn't
look tired, Abby did so for the both of them.

"You don't think it's late, do you? Last day is usually impossible," she broke
the silence.

Luka grabbed the stroller from her hands, "We should be ok."

"Ok, let's go," Abby said as she walked over, put a little hat on Liliana, and
waited for the show to end.

"Today's show was brought to you by the number 7, and the letter N...
Toodle-oo!"

Abby turned off the television and threw the remote on the couch, carrying the
baby in one arm and her bag in the other. She was about to walk out but Luka
didn't move. "What?"

"That's it?" he pointed to the stroller and her bag.

"We're low maintenance gals," Abby said and walked out.

"What about a car seat?" Luka asked.

Abby turned around, "We'll take my car. Let's go."

"Toys, bottles..."

"I've got it, Luka, let's go," Abby said exasperatedly.

Luka raised his free hand. "Fine, fine. And I need to have security called
upon." He heard her chuckle and closed the door behind him.

~*~

If it wasn't for the radio softly cooing a morning song, Luka's tapping on the
steering wheel would have drove him crazy by now. He glanced at Liliana through
the rear view mirror. He hadn't been driving for 10 minutes and he must have
glanced back at her 100 times already. But he couldn't help it. What if someone
opened the back door? What if someone broke the window and took her away? What
if there was an accident? She was peacefully looking out the window, so he
decided to relax and concentrate on the road.

He glanced at Abby, who was looking to her side as well, but her eyes were
closed. She looked exhausted and drained, and he knew why. That first year after
Jasna was born he only got around 20 hours of sleep. Between that and med
school... well, he could understand what Abby was going through, to an extent.
He couldn't have imagined doing it alone.

People driving next to them probably thought they were a family. A happy family
on their way to the zoo. Somehow, if he stopped thinking, he could believe it
too. But that was the problem. Eventually you have to start thinking again and
when he did, there was a big gap between them that could not be overlooked.

He looked back at Liliana again. "She's very quiet."

Abby opened her eyes at that and looked back at the baby. "That's because she
doesn't know  you, give her a couple of hours."

Luka smiled, "Does she talk?"

"She's learning," Abby gave him a tired smile. "She says mama. Effi, that's the
babysitter. Nana, that's Maggie. And you know, instead of naming the animals she
calls them by the sound they make, like wuff or meow, it's very cute."

The shine on her face could not be ignored. "What about Papa?" Luka asked.

Abby's wall immediately went up. "Haven't taught her that one."

"Why not?" Luka asked.

Abby shook her head, she hated him so much every time he asked unnecessary
questions. "Because that usually comes with visual aid."

Luka nodded understandingly. "What are you going to tell her?"

Abby stared at him for a moment as he looked at the road. "About what?"

"About," Luka hesitated. "You know."

Abby looked forward, "The truth."

"What if her parents want her back?" Luka asked, and felt Abby jump.

"Look, he doesn't want anything to do with her, and her biological mom is gone.
Even if they want her, I have her now, so there's nothing they can do," she said
a little bitterly.

Luka bit his tongue, but it was too late to backpedal.

Abby shook her head again, and played with the corners of her shirt, "Sorry, I
just, I don't wanna think about that."

"I understand," Luka said, pulling into the parking lot of the zoo. 12 Blue. He
tried to remember that. "Ready?"

Abby nodded and opened her door while Luka took the stroller out of the trunk.
Liliana squealed when she realized where they were; Abby smiled. "Yeah, do you
wanna see the polar bears?"

Luka tried to work the stroller. He kicked, and pulled, and pushed, and pressed,
but nothing worked. He looked up at Abby, "These used to be so simple."

Abby smiled and pointed to a red lever. She then looked at Liliana, "Uncle Luka
is not up to technology, is he?"

Uncle Luka. Bleh.

"Well, Uncle Luka hasn't done this in 15 years," Luka said bitterly and added
an, "Ah-ha!" when he got the stroller to open up.

Abby went to put Liliana on it but the baby began to protest. "Ok, but mama's
tired, so you're going in eventually."

"Come on, Abby," Luka said as he put the baby bag on the stroller and began to
push it.

"Do you wanna carry her?" Abby asked, offering the baby.

Luka jumped back a little, as if she was showing him a poisonous snake. "No,
that's ok." He tried to change the subject quickly, looking at the small line in
front of them. "Not bad." He saw her shook her head and let out a yawn. He
sniffed, and tried to be subtle about his questions. On the one hand he wanted
to know everything that was happening in her life, mostly if she was dating. On
the other hand, he was trying to show indifference. Play it cool. Hard to get.
Be a jock.

He smiled at his pathetic ways. "Are you getting any help with her?"

Abby looked up at him, "Um, the babysitter comes over sometimes. Otherwise it's
day care at the hospital."

"How about Maggie?" Luka asked as they approached the window.

Abby let out a couple of interrupted and very sarcastic laughs as she shook her
head.

"Is she taking her medication?" Luka asked.

Abby nodded, "Yeah."

"So?" Luka asked again.

Abby shrugged her shoulders. "I grew up with her."

Luka leaned in a little as if to whisper. "She's your mother, and Lily's
grandmother, you have to trust her."

Abby played with her lips for a while, looking straight ahead, "It's just hard.
I'd die if something happened."

Understood. "So she's back in Chicago, huh?"

Abby smiled, "Yes. She's visiting Eric right now but other than that she's at my
house 24/7." She looked up at Luka with a playful smile, "If you want her, feel
free to take her to San Diego with you."

Luka chuckled, "I wouldn't mind having someone there to take care of me."

Abby looked up in awareness. "You're not dating anyone?"

Luka's mouth opened slowly in an attempt to slow time, but he was saved by the
bell.

"How many?" the young cashier asked.

"Two adults and a baby," Luka announced, taking his credit card out, which he
handed to the lady. As he waited he tapped on the small counter, and he suddenly
felt a couple of eyes on him. Sure enough, Liliana was looking at him in
wonderment. He smiled at her and pinched her cheek, and she immediately buried
her face on Abby's shoulder. Both adults chuckled.

"You shouldn't have her suck on that thing, she'll have a hard time getting off
it," Luka added as he signed his receipt.

Abby tried to take the pacifier off Liliana's mouth but the baby held on to it
tight. "Well, she came into a family of addicts, might as well indulge her a
little." As Luka walked in she closely followed, wishing she wouldn't have
agreed on him coming. But no, she could not just say no to him.

"So what did you wanna talk about?" she asked finally, trying to get to
business.

Luka looked at his watch to take his point across. He then looked at the map he
held in his hands, "Look, the monkeys are putting on a show at 9."

"Luka," Abby protested.

Luka dropped his act, "Come on, Abby. We have all day."

"Exactly, we only have one day," Abby said.

"So let's not ruin it right away," he added. They both remained in silence as
they walked towards the monkey cages. He looked down at her again. Liliana was
resting her closed little fist on Abby's chest, pulling her shirt down too low.


Irene, Irene, Irene. Luka shook his head. Checking Abby out was probably not the
wisest thing. Not to mention he'd slap the heck out of him if she caught him
staring. He cleared his throat. "So who was that guy at the conference." 

Ouch. That was even worse. He tried to change the subject or add something to
the question to make it more casual, but it was too late, Abby was already
talking.

"Alan?" She looked up at him, "He's an attending in OB."

Luka nodded. Well, he got out of that one safely.

"Why?"

Or maybe not.

He shook his head. "No reason." Oh this was ridiculous, they weren't dating
anymore, why couldn't he ask? As a friend? That gave him a push. "Are you dating
him?"

Abby raised her eyebrows, looking at him with an amusing smile. "No," she shook
her head. "Haven't played that game in a while." She looked up at him, "How
about you?"

Luka's mouth opened in slow motion again, and again he was saved by the bell
when Liliana squealed at the monkeys.

"Right," Abby said as they sat down and the monkeys put on their show. There was
no reason for him to answer that question, the fact that he didn't want to was a
given.

~*~

"That is too cruel," Abby announced as they walked out of the show. "Those poor
creatures."

Luka shrugged his shoulders. To him the monkeys seemed happy, but long ago he
had learned that not everything that looked happy was indeed happy. Case in
point...

"Been to the San Diego zoo?" Abby asked in an attempt to get him talking about
where he lived, which would lead to what he was doing, which would lead to what
he had done, which would lead to what he wanted to talk about. She hated the way
they were pretending everything was ok, like they were just having a nice day at
the zoo.

She found a small gazebo and sat down, put Liliana on the stroller and gave her
a bottle of milk. The baby took it in her hands and began to drink it, looking
at Luka again.

"Not yet, I heard it's nice," Luka said casually.

Abby let out a sigh, looking at him, "So."

Luka raised his eyebrows, not knowing how to start. Truth was he didn't know
what he was expecting from this talk. The outcome couldn't be good. He'd know
that by digging into the past he'd get Abby upset, or anxious. There were scabs
which were too sensitive to remove, and he'd know that would hurt, both Abby and
himself. But on the other hand, he wanted to mend things, or at least try. Abby
and him had never been the 'let's be friends' type, but maybe, just maybe, they
could now.

He cleared his throat, and rubbed the back of his neck, but he couldn't look her
in the eyes, and he could tell by the way she was looking at her lap that she
couldn't either. That made it a little easier.

"Well," he said with a sigh, "I don't know how to start."

Abby kept looking down, folding and unfolding a baby blanket. "At the
beginning?"

Luka smiled, "Ok. Um, first of all I didn't come here to upset you or to say
anything that will hurt you, so let me know if you'd rather not talk about some
things."

"Ok," Abby nodded.

"Ok," Luka repeated. "First of all, um, I talked to Kerry and I'm sorry that you
had to go through some things alone."

Abby looked up at that, it was not what she was expecting to hear. She was
expecting a, 'Sorry I left, will never happen again, let's move on.' If that was
the beginning, then this was going to be a long chat.

"Second," Luka continued. "I left, yes, and that was 5 years ago and I think
we've both moved on. But, even though I want to tell you, I don't think I know
the real reason why I left." He watched for her reaction, but got none. "I
couldn't breathe," he added, and she finally looked up at that. "I lost
everything again, and every time that happened, I would just pack my bags and
leave, and so it was logical to do that again."

"It wasn't logical," Abby said.

"Yes, it was. Why would I have to stay?" Luka asked rhetorically.

Abby shook her head. "Luka..." she wanted to stop this now because she knew it
would end nowhere. "Whatever happened, happened 5 years ago. I know why you
left, and you know why you left too." She paused for a moment, "I couldn't
breathe either."

It was Luka's time to look down.

"I guess I just... thought you'd be gone for a while and then you'd come back,"
she added, then let out a sigh. "God, Luka, how many times did we play that
game? I'd get angry, and throw you out, and you'd be gone for a few days, and
then you'd come back. Or I'd leave and stay with Kerry, and then come back. I
guess, I just never though you'd leave for good."

Luka nodded.

Abby bit her lower lip. "Took me a while to realize you weren't coming back, but
I still waited." She laughed sarcastically, "Those days went by very fast, and
then I found myself feeling better and better."

Luka's eyes danced around. He was the one who brought them here and now he was
suddenly the one who found himself speechless. He still dug deeper into his
mind. "Don't say things were better and better. It took me a long time to come
out of that catatonic stage." He looked at the baby on the stroller, drinking
her milk and looking from Abby to him as if she understood what they were
talking about.

"I was coming back," he finally said and watched her look at him with a
questioning look on her face. "I did as much as pack my bags and get on my car,
but then I'd remember the things you said, and I knew it was over. So I didn't."

Abby looked down again, feeling breathless once more. "It's over now."

"Yeah," Luka whispered.

She looked at him, "So... you go back to San Diego and I stay here."

"Yeah," Luka repeated.

Abby nodded. "Are you happy there?"

Shit. Don't answer that. "Getting there," he said as casual as he could.

Abby looked down and nodded, "Good. Good for you."

"Yeah," Luka sighed. He saw her wall immediately go up again. It was almost
futile, he could never keep it down long enough. That was one of the many
original problems. He wondered if Abby would ever let it down for good. When he
got that phone call in the middle of a November with the news of Abby's father's
death, the wall had been down for three days, but inevitably, it went up again.
It was almost a bear trap.

Abby cleared her throat as she stood up; Liliana immediately raised her arms.
"Liliana," Abby protested, lifting the baby up.

"Why don't you buy one of those clingy straps?" Luka asked.

"Clingy straps?" Abby asked.

Luka smiled, "You know, like Carol had."

"Tried. They give me a back ache. This stroller was expensive so you'll either
have to use it or learn to walk," Abby told the baby, who, with a grin, covered
Abby's eyes. She laughed, "No pick-a-boo, I'm being serious."

Luka couldn't help but smile. Usually when Abby said something, she meant it.
Now this baby could walk all over her. He would have to ask Liliana for the
secret. "Come on, I wanna see the penguins," he said and began to push the empty
stroller again.

It actually wasn't as bad as he thought he would be. He wondered if the San
Diego zoo was as nice as this one.

~*~

Liliana was finally in her stroller as Luka and Abby walked, both of them eating
a hot dog and resting their cups on top of the stroller. Abby was engrossed in
gossip, keeping Luka up to date. Every one of her tales made him feel a little
bad. Some of the things she was telling him he would have loved to see, mostly
Dave-related things. He missed Dave, in some odd way.

Abby, on the other hand, was having a great time keeping him up to date. "Kerry
and Kim decided to take Dave down to Gay Pride on a bet that he could get a
woman to 'un-gay' as he put it. All of a sudden we're watching the news at the
ER and there's Dave, on a platform, dancing with all kinds of men around him."

Luka chuckled.

"According to him he was drunk, but we have our reservations. We still have the
footage," Abby laughed.

"I'd kill to see that," Luka added.

"Good times," Abby said.

"Kerry said everyone's still there," Luka added.

"Mostly," Abby said. "All the nurses are. Dr. Benton moved away, and Dr. Finch
soon after that. Dave's still there, still single, still hitting on all the
female patients," she chuckled. "Carter opened up his own practice in the
suburbs."

"I heard he tied the knot," Luka added. After all these years, he was still
uncomfortable with Carter being around Abby. He was glad Carter had settled down
with none other than Jing Mei Chen. Like water to chocolate.

"I was the best maid," Abby said proudly. "And the godmother of Alex."

Luka raised his eyebrows.

Abby smiled, "They have two boys, Alex and Lee."

"Wow," Luka added. "So everyone does have kids now."

"Yeah," Abby chuckled, she had forgotten what it was like to chuckle in Luka's
presence. The last times they spent together were mostly arguing, and she had
been so depressed she couldn't remember the rest. "Something in the water, I
guess," she added.

She shook her head as they walked. There were so many things she wanted to ask
him, but did not dare to. Where had he been all these years? With whom? What had
he done? What had he seen? Why was he in Dallas? How did he end up in San Diego?
Who was the woman he was so obviously seeing? She felt a tingling sensation
inside of her. "Shoot, I have to go to the bathroom."

Luka looked around, "Ladies room, right over there."

Abby threw the remaining of her coke away and turned to him, "I'll be right
back."

"Wait," Luka protested, pointing at the stroller with a baby inside.

"I'll be right back," Abby rushed away.

Luka watched her go, and turned nervously to the stroller, then back at the
direction Abby went, and to the stroller again.

"Aww," a couple walked and slowed down in front of the stroller. Luka smiled at
them, but at the same time hushed them away.

He walked around front and picked Liliana up. He didn't trust anyone around
here. He waited for the baby to go into a crying spree, but to his surprise, she
just looked at him in a questioning way. She pointed in the direction Abby went,
and waved her little hand good bye.

"No, she's coming back," Luka chuckled. He watched as she looked at him again,
as if her little mind was trying to understand who was this man she had seen
twice already.

He smiled at her, playing with her little fingers. She was perfect, just
absolutely perfect. Her limp hair shone in the light of the sun as she moved,
big honey eyes she probably got from her father full of life, gathering
information like a hungry predator, her little voice a beautiful song as she
tried to learn and pronounce words. He felt something in his throat. This could
have been his. This little baby, so beautiful, so perfect... no, Luka, nothing
is perfect. No matter how much you try, you can only get close to perfection,
everything has a flaw.

But no kind of resistance could prevent you from playing the If game. No one can
avoid the If game. What if he could play another game? Let's play house. There
was already a baby, and a mom, but there was a dad missing. A dad who would wake
up every morning, and go to work and come back and play with the baby, and go to
bed with the mom. He wondered where Lily's dad was. He wondered what kind of man
would leave such a wonderful creature behind just because his parents objected.
He tried to understand that the boy was young and naive, but no man, no matter
what age, should ever leave his kids behind. It made him mad, and uneasy. There
was a natural sense of responsibility of his part to want to step forward, but
why was this such an easy decision to make?

Liliana made a wondering sound which brought him back from his reverie, and he
looked forward, realizing she was pointing at the elephants. "Do you like
elephants?" he asked and Liliana grinned in delight. He pushed the stroller and
walked over the edge of a small cliff, where the elephants walked around and
drank from a fake pond, and splashed themselves with the water.

She looked at Luka, opening her eyes even wider, and as she blew hard through
her mouth, she gave big nods, up and down, like an elephant.

Luka laughed, "Yeah, that's how elephants go." He pressed his lips together
hard, and blew through his mouth, making an elephant noise.

Liliana shrieked, laughing as Luka kept blowing on her face. She stopped only to
giggle hysterically when he did it again, and she put her little hand on his
mouth, covering it up only to let the air out again by taking it off. She was
sold.

"Do you want an elephant?" he asked her, thinking maybe they had stuffed animals
on the gift shop. "I'll buy you an elephant if you promise to be good and take
care of your mom for me, ok?"

Liliana made cooing and humming noises as if she was having a conversation with
Luka, moving her hands around as Abby did when she talked sometimes. It was
amazing that even though Abby was not the biological mother, the baby still
picked up on all her quirks and mannerisms.

"I know," Luka said as if he could understand what she was saying.

Liliana had stopped playing and was looking at him with a smiley face. "Mama,"
she said, pointing again on the direction Abby went.

Luka reached with his mouth and pinned her little finger between his lips. "Can
you say Papa?"

~*~

The bathroom was nearly impossible and Abby finally made her way to the sink,
where she washed her hands. No paper, great. She shook her hands in the air to
dry them up, and they finished drying on her clothes. "Excuse me," she said,
annoyed as she made her way through a line of extremely obese women, waiting for
an available stall.

She loved her days off, mostly because she could spend them with her daughter
and no one else. There was no one who could come into their home and hurt them.
No one who could leave them. It would be Abby and Lily forever, and that was a
deal she loved.

She stopped in her tracks when she saw both her daughter and her ex boyfriend
having the time of their lives together. She watched some more, trying to think,
to act. She couldn't let Lily get close to Luka. He'd leave again. She didn't
want her daughter to have to go through what she went through. Five years ago it
would have been a lovely picture, a baby and a man playing and cuddling. Five
years later it would only mean more pain.

Abby finally took a deep breath and walked over. "Ready."

Luka hadn't even noticed Abby was there until she spoke, and he looked at her
with that big smile still on his face, Liliana still playing with his nose. "Ok,
let's go," he announced in a cheerful tone as he bounced the baby in his arm.

"I can take her now," Abby said, extending her arms.

"I don't mind," Luka said, not noticing Abby's serious expression.

With big reluctance Abby just let Luka have Lily while they walked; she couldn't
help but glancing at them every once in a while. She knew he wouldn't run away
with the baby, but her initial fear remained. Even though Lily was a baby and
would probably forget who Luka was in a few days, she would be losing a friend.

She brushed that aside. After nine months she still couldn't get over this being
a mother deal. Everything worried her. If Liliana cried at night, she'd worry to
death. If she didn't cry Abby would wake her up to make her cry. It was a
constant fear that couldn't be alleviated with anything. Now she was scared Luka
would hurt her daughter. Motherly protection, maybe. Paranoia, definitely.

~*~

No matter how inactive you are when you go to the zoo, you will always end up
exhausted. Even when you just go to sit down, somehow the energy is drained out
of you. Why is that?

"Luka, I'm dead," Abby protested as she rubbed the sides of her nose.

"Hold on," Luka begged, turning to go into the gift shop, still carrying
Liliana.

"What are you doing?" Abby followed him in.

Luka smiled, "You don't leave the zoo without going to the gift shop."

Abby decided to let him have his fun. She was beginning to wonder who was the
kid, her baby or him.

Luka found the stuffed animals and picked up a middle sized elephant. Lily
immediately hugged it tight.

"No, no," Abby protested.

"Come on," Luka begged.

"Luka, she has enough toys," Abby continued.

Luka walked over to the cashier, ignoring Abby. "None from me."

Abby let out a sigh, stroking an empty stroller back and forth. She waited until
Luka got his change back, and he finally put Lily on the stroller with her new
toy.

He looked at Abby, "I promised it to her."

Abby shook her head. "You're impossible."

"You're one to talk," Luka added.

What seemed like hundreds of people were all walking out of the zoo, all making
their way to the parking lot. "Are you going to the conference tomorrow?" he
asked.

"I don't know," Abby said. "Are you?"

Luka nodded.

"You know you don't have to," she added.

"Well, I have to report back," Luka said.

Abby looked forward. "What's your new hospital like?" she allowed herself to
ask.

"It's nice, bigger and more organized," he chuckled.

"Never had an explosion?" she teased.

Luka smiled, pushing the stroller. "It's too big, a little impersonal, but good
if you want to concentrate on your job."

Abby nodded, with one of her hands on the stroller also. "No lesbians?"

"No lesbians," Luka repeated.

"Must be sad," Abby commented.

Luka shrugged his shoulders. "It's a beautiful city."

"I've heard."

"You should visit sometime," Luka added carelessly.

Abby said nothing.

"I mean, it's a nice place to vacation," he tried to sugarcoat it.

She still didn't say anything until they reached her car and she put her
daughter back on the car seat. She was both physically and emotionally
exhausted. Luka just had that effect on everyone.

As he drove she rested her head against the window, wanting to fall asleep. The
good thing about a day at the zoo was that Liliana slept through the whole night
and woke up late. Always a plus.

Luka tapped on the steering wheel again after turning the volume down so Abby
could sleep. After five years he felt a little lighter. It still made him sad
that this time they'd be saying good bye under normal circumstances. It was sad
that he knew she wouldn't visit, and he wouldn't come back. It's always easy to
leave when you're trying to run away from something, but how do you leave when
nothing is pushing you away?

But there were still pulling factors. He had Irene. He had friends. He had a
little house by the beach. He had a great job and a life he couldn't wait to
start living again. He had hope now.

He looked through he rear view mirror, Liliana was sleeping, so was Abby. For a
moment he considered driving around just to let them rest, but he was afraid to
wake them up in San Diego, so he pulled into the parking lot of her apartment
building. He hesitated before waking her up. "Abby," he whispered and felt her
moan. "Abby," he said a little louder and finally got her to wake up.

"Sorry," she said as she looked around.

Luka smiled and opened the door, taking her things out.

"Leave the stroller," Abby said, opening Liliana's door. She carefully lifted
the bar of the car seat and took the baby out. Luka followed her quietly to her
door. Inside, he waited while she put the baby on the crib and came back to the
living room.

Luka looked around uneasily. "So this is good bye?"

Abby looked up at him, not realizing that. "I don't know."

Luka scratched the side of his face. "Um, I'm not leaving for a few days..."

"I don't know," Abby repeated; Luka nodded.

"I'll call Carter," he added. "Maybe we can have dinner or something."

Abby pressed her lips together, "That'd be nice."

Luka's job was done there, but his feet her stuck to the floor.

"Listen," Abby added. "Since we're setting things straight, I'm sorry about that
time I threw that plate at you," she said sheepishly.

Luka chuckled, "You throw like a girl."

"And you run like one," Abby laughed.

Luka threw his hands in the air, "I deserve that." The chuckling continued and
he got a little serious. "Kerry says Elizabeth is doing fine.

Abby turned serious, knowing where this was headed. "Luka, don't torture
yourself."

As fast as he went up, he came back down, right against the pavement. He reached
for his keys sitting on her table and tried to run away as fast as he could.
"I'll call you, ok?"

Abby shook her head. She was mad, furious that he did this to himself
constantly. "When are you going to stop blaming yourself for that?" she stopped
him.

Luka dropped his head, hearing the same words, over and over, from everyone. He
was still hearing those words. It was painful. Not because of the memories, but
because it feels even worse when everyone tried to convince you you're not to
blame for something you're obviously guilty.

"I don't wanna talk about that," he finally said, seeing himself reaching for
that door, but his feet were not moving.

"Luka you made a call," Abby said, looking up at him. "It was the best
decision."

"Killing him was?" Luka almost yelled, looking at her furiously, almost
hyperventilating.

"You know that wasn't your fault," Abby said calmly. "If it would have been
someone else, Carter of Benton, you'd know you're not the one to blame."

His feet finally caved in, and he began to pace around, rubbing the back of his
neck. "It wasn't Benton or Carter, was it? It was me. So don't give me that
shit, Abby, you have no idea what it was like to stand there and see him die and
then watch Elizabeth's face when she walked in."

"I was there," Abby said.

"But you're not the one who made the final call," he told her.

Abby kept staring at him, not knowing that to say.

Luka looked down for a second and turned around, and left without saying a word.
A perfect ending to a perfect day.

~*~

The music was excruciating. Sitting down was painful. Staring at the road was
killing him... yet he kept driving. He couldn't go back to that hotel room
because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Someone would be watching and he
knew he wouldn't be able to shake that away. Better to drive around than to sit
on his bed staring at the ceiling.

He thought of this battle he was fighting. He wondered how it would end. So far
he had given everything he could, and he was running out of ammunition. He only
had a couple of cards left on the game and he got the feeling he'd lose
everything he had. He had lost almost everything he had once cherished so much.

There was still that card of hope. After all, after his family died he thought
he had run out of ammo, yet he found that he had still some left. Maybe God
would make him happy again. Maybe happiness was always out west.

He had always found it out west, where the sun set.

He almost closed his eyes, and decided to go back to the hotel before he caused
an accident. As he dropped on his bed he wondered if someone would miss him at
the conference. He knew no one would. He wondered if he was missed anywhere at
all. He knew he was, somewhere, because he certainly missed.


.."Mark?" Luka called out as he walked into the house, carrying a bag of food.

"Just in time," Mark said as he walked out of the kitchen, full of life, full of
energy.

"It hasn't started yet?" Luka asked, setting the junk food on the table and
sitting down in front of the television, where the pre-game blared through the
house.

"No, not yet." Mark put a couple of hot dogs on the grill and waited by the
couch as he gave Luka a beer. "No girls allowed."

"We should do this more often," Luka said with a chug.

"We definitely will," Mark clinked Luka's bottle with his."...


Definitely.


To be continued... 

Carolina