Disclaimer: Not mine

Author's Notes: Sorry for the delay.



  "A Forgotten Fire" by Carolina


  With a great deal of reluctance, a lot of pushing and playful
manipulation over the phone, Luka finally convinced Abby about dinner
at her place with Carter and Jing Mei. In the old days she would have
put one playful condition: Luka would have to help with dinner and the
dishes. This time she put one serious condition: she didn't want him
there with her while they were alone. A condition he readily
understood. While he was used to torturing himself to the point of
mutilation and he could stand it, he knew Abby always protected
herself first, he found that the wrong way. If he had a nickel for
every time she pushed him away to keep her guards up, he'd already be
set for retirement.

  The last conference, although boring and claustrophobic, went by in
a second, and after exchanging e-mails with the ever cheerful Dr.
Jensen, Luka walked out of the convention center, ready to decline the
next offer to go to a conference again. The biggest waste of time,
money, energy, and brain cells.

  It was still early, so he decided to go to his hotel room to start
getting ready. Half of the things in his bag he didn't even remember
packing. A pair of jeans had mysteriously appeared on his luggage and
that had saved the day at the zoo. He actually had to stop himself and
think for a reason as to why there were so many clothes in bags.
Initially he had put in a couple of shirts and pants. The same night,
Irene showed up unexpectedly to say goodbye. While he sat down and
watched the news, he heard her complain about his lack of packing
skills and his laziness for not getting the job done a couple of days
before the trip.

  Irene. During this whole trip he had tried to keep her off his mind.
When he came to Chicago he wasn't even sure he'd see Kerry, let alone
Abby. Irene was a good woman, a little temperamental at times, but so
was Abby. She was honest, and straightforward, the kind of woman who
didn't need any taking care off. He liked her a lot. Still, he
wondered what she wanted to talk about. Did she want to break up? Was
she seeing someone else? He knew whatever it was, it wasn't going to
be good. He certainly would never receive a nomination for "Best
Boyfriend" from her. If she was going to dump him, well, he probably
deserved it.

  Putting that out of his mind and deciding that San Diego issues were
to be thought of in San Diego, he stepped into the shower and let the
water flush away those thoughts. Funny, because Chicago thoughts were
certainly thought of in San Diego as well. In fact, more then often he
had to look around to wake up from his reveries and let his mind know
where he physically was.

  After a warm shower, he stepped out feeling... good. He was in a
good mood. After seeing Elizabeth, a boulder had been lifted off his
shoulders and now he felt as if he was walking in air. He still missed
Mark, and wished things would have been different. But maybe everyone
was right. Maybe it wasn't his fault after all.

  He walked into the room and turned on the radio. There was an old
song playing and as he walked back into the bathroom, he hummed and
picked up his razor to get rid of the small traces of hair on his
face.

  "This is Greg Brown and you are listening to WJMK 104.3 in Chicago,
your guide to the best of the 60's and 70's. Remember that the fifth
caller after every our receives our CD compilation of the greatest
hits of all times, that's at five to the hour, every hour. The time is
six o'clock and we're giving you twelve songs in a row. Do you
remember where you were when you first listened to this song?" Drums
began, and with it the sound of old instruments recorded with even
older recorders.

  "Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart..."

  Luka began to bop along to the song, trying to sing. "If the music
is groovy... umm, hmm, like an old time movie." Stopping his little
dance, he began to shave and smiled to himself. Danjiela loved this
song when they were younger. She used to tell him that if she could be
born again, she'd do so in the 60's in the United States. As she
recalled, it was a time of love and peace and freedom. He always
smiled at her innocence and never did tell her that the 60's were
nothing like she saw on the movies and pictures of happy hippies
dancing at Woodstock.

  One of the things he missed dearly was the music around the house.
Danjiela's father would always bring her records every time he
traveled to the United States. They had quite a nice collection of old
records from The Temptations, Bob Dylan, The Beatles, The Doors, Nat
Cole, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones and James Taylor
... all of which were destroyed in the bombing.

  "If you believe in magic, come along with me. We'll dance until
morning, 'till there's just you and me. And maybe, if the music is
right I'll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night. And we'll go
dancing, baby then you'll see, how the magic's in the music and the
music's in me."

  God did she have an awful voice. But during the times of the war it
felt like heaven to hear something other than guns and bombs going off
outside the four walls standing strong to protect them. So whenever
Danjiela would start singing, he'd join her. He didn't know who had
the worst voice, him or her. Together they'd make all the cats of the
neighborhood meow and screech. It was a funny memory, actually. A long
time ago he had been mesmerized at the fact that he could tell the
difference between the good, bad, and funny memories. For 10 years all
the memories had been painful. Now, he could sit down and remember and
laugh. It felt great to have fun with his family again, even if they
weren't there.

  Well, maybe it wasn't that bad of a song after all. Luka chuckled.
The music definitely wasn't in him, neither was the rhythm.

~*~

  As the car sped out of the garage of the hotel, the clock on the
dash stared at him intensely. He was early. He knew Abby had asked him
to be there on time, maybe even late. But he could not sit at the
hotel room any longer, the walls were beginning to close in. He
suddenly remembered Kerry, and wanted to call her to ask her over. He
wanted to see Kim and meet their kids. But he knew it would be too
much on Abby. This was probably the last time he'd see her and Liliana
and he didn't want to upset her. So he made a mental note to call
Kerry before it was time to leave.
 
  Time to leave. Leave Chicago again. The first time around he was so
numb he could have driven for the rest of his life and never would
have felt a thing. This time it felt real. The first time he didn't
know the impacts of his departure would be. This time he knew well.
While Abby had moved on and was happy with her daughter, he knew his
presence was hurting her. Hers was hurting him too. It's like walking
around the edges of a thin cone. Every step has to be meticulously
planned, and the wrong one can cause you fall into the bottom again,
only to climb the slippery walls to the top. He was walking on edges
now, yet he could also feel himself slipping. The trick was to keep
any kind of emotions away, that always gives you balance and strength.

  Not thinking was also good, so he drove faster and decided to at
least buy a cake so his early entrance was sweeter. Ten minutes later,
he parked in front of her apartment building. She would either have to
throw him out or accept his offer to help with dinner.

  The scent of the food was already caught on his nose down the hall
and after Luka knocked on her door a couple of times, he had to wait a
minute or two for her to open.

  "You're early," Abby protested and walked back into the kitchen.

  "Only a few minutes," he closed the door and put the cake on the
table. The television was on Barney, and Liliana sat on a blanket on
the floor, watching peacefully with her teddy bear on her lap. He
approached her from behind. "Hi, Lily."

  Liliana looked up and immediately raised her arms for Luka to carry
her, which he did with a grunt, pretending she was heavy.

  "Do you need any help?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen where
Abby seemed to be in fast forward.

  "No, I'm fine," she said.

  "You should have let me make dinner, it was my idea," he said as he
played with the corners of Lily's dress.

  "I don't mind," Abby added in a normal tone.

  Luka always thought Abby would make a great actress. It was
something she had dropped for a while, but it came back to haunt her.
But she couldn't fool him. For once, she hadn't looked him in the eyes
yet. It confused him because the first night she seemed to be ok with
them being alone at her apartment. But that was Abby Lockhart, a
concentration camp of emotions. You better be careful where you step
of a bomb will go off. So he decided to leave her alone. He sat on the
couch, making Lily stand on his thighs. He only heard as Abby put pots
and pans in and out of the oven, quietly. He didn't really expect to
find the old Abby, but he missed the way she used to sing while she
cooked. The first time she did it, he was scared he had opened the
door to the wrong apartment. After checking the number on the door and
walking in, he quickly smiled when he found her there, cooking and
singing. She'd keep humming as she used him as a guinea pig, making
him taste whatever it was she was experimenting with. Five years
later, the only song came from the television, cheery, but sadly.

  Liliana cooed, and found her way into Luka's neck, grabbing his gold
chain with her little fingers. After analyzing it quickly with a hum
she immediately put it on her mouth.

  "No," Luka whispered, kissing her cheek and making her sit on his
lap.

  He read somewhere that babies liked Barney because the color purple
attracted them. He had never seen the show before but now that he had
been introduced to it, he wondered what the big deal was. Liliana
seemed to be having the time of her life, clapping along to the music
but Luka didn't get it. The kids were acting horribly, the songs made
no sense, and the characters were annoying. Whatever happened to The
Muppets?

  As Liliana hummed and cooed he deposited a kiss on her head. This
very same scene had been kept on the back of his mind and was only
retrieved during day dreams and peaceful moments. After he had moved
on from his family's death, he'd dreamt about a family. It wasn't
really his family, it was a new one. Even out west, he kept thinking
about it, craving it. Geographical locations never made your dreams
and desires change. That, he knew, made it pointless to run from place
to place like a nomad. Yet he ran. It was much easier to give in than
to fight. But maybe his life was out west now. It was. Irene had said
once that when she was younger she wanted a family more than anything.
Maybe she hadn't changed her mind.

  "Shit!"

  The exclamation made him jump up and look into the kitchen, where
Abby was holding her hand against her chest. "What happened?" he
hurried over and put Liliana on her high chair.

  Abby just let out a sigh, looking down.

  "Let me see," Luka walked over, but she pulled away from him
immediately and stuck her hand under the cold running water of the
kitchen sink. Joining that sound was the banging of Liliana's little
hands against the table of her high chair.

  "Do you have a first aid kit?" Luka asked. Bang. Bang. Bang.

  "No, it's not that bad," she said. Bang. Bang. Bang.

  "It might leave a scar," Luka added. Bang. Bang. Bang.

  She didn't say anything, but he knew that look on her face. Knew it
all too well. It was all a matter of seconds now. 3... 2... 1...

  "Liliana, please!" Abby yelled the baby, who stopped banging her
hands against the table and after her little face turned pouty, she
began to cry.

  Luka stood in the middle of it all. He ignored the crying baby and
looked at Abby. "Are you ok?" he asked but knew he'd get no response
from her.

  "I'm sorry, Abby, I shouldn't have made you do this," he took a
hesitant step forward.
 
  "It's not that," Abby threw a dish towel against the walls of the
sink, letting another sigh of frustration.

  Luka watched as she lowered her head for a moment and her sigh was
drowned by Liliana's cries. "Hey," he walked over, not sure what her
reaction would be. Instead of shoving his body against the counter,
she just let him hold her and pressed her face against his shirt. Luka
remained still as both mother and daughter cried, and he witnessed the
effects of single parenthood.

  He closed his eyes and bit on his own teeth hard at the realization
that his limbs now felt different. His arms had tingles of ice
breaking through his skin and his legs were going numb. The feeling
surprised him. He hadn't seen Abby in five years, hadn't felt like
this since he drove away. Seeing her cry still made him want to pick
her up and keep her on his pocket, protect her from the ugliness of
the world. He wondered who was there for her here, in Chicago. Did she
have any friends? Did she have someone who would take the world and
spin it out of orbit just for her? Like he would? The odds were
probably against him. Any man would be an idiot not to see how perfect
she was. The odds were against him. He then understood why he had
agreed to go to the conference.

  The doorbell rang and Abby pulled away from Luka quickly, cleaning
her eyes.

  "Go get washed up, I'll get it," Luka said and without a word, Abby
walked away. He let out another sigh, rubbed the back of his neck, and
picked up Liliana, who was crying alone on her high chair.

  "Shh," he kissed her cheek. "Mommy didn't mean that." Liliana
stopped crying and only whimpered, began to suck on her thumb and
rested her head on Luka's shoulder.

  The bell rang again and Luka walked over to open the door to reveal
Jing Mei, who was carrying a small boy, and Carter next to her, with a
bigger boy thrown over his shoulders.

  "Well if it isn't the Carters," Luka smiled.

  "Carter-Chens," Jing Mei reiterated as she walked in and gave Luka a
careful hug as to not hurt the babies.

  As Luka hugged her he looked at Carter, who mouthed a, "Just
Carters."

  Luka chucked, "Who's this?"

  "This is Lee," Jing Mei said as she bounced the two year old boy on
her arms. The boy looked up at Luka and hugged his mother tight,
scared.

  "So you must be Alex," Luka asked at the boy Carter carried.

  Carter stepped in, shaking Luka's hand. "Good to see you again." He
picked up the boy from his shoulders and held him upside down in the
air. "Hey, say hello to Luka."

  "Hello to Luka!" the boy exclaimed as he giggled upside down.

  "Where's Abby," Jing Mei asked as she set her boy in front of
Barney's hypnotizing music.

  Luka closed the door behind them and turned around, "She's getting
dressed."

  Carter and Jing Mei looked at each other and then they both gave
Luka the same questioning yet presumptuous look.

  It took Luka a moment to realize what was going on and then he let
out a laugh, "No, no, I just got here. She's... she's washing up...
getting ready." Finally he just shrugged his shoulders. "Forget it."

  Carter nodded, letting his child run amok and putting the issue
aside. Alex ran a couple of times around Carter, and after that, he
used his arms to glue himself to his father's leg and followed him
into the kitchen, where Carter began to look into the refrigerator.

  "Aw, what's wrong with Lily?" Jing Mei asked as she got closer. She
tried to take Lily away from Luka but the girl protested with a moan
and buried herself deeper into Luka's neck. Luka patted Liliana's back
and told Jing Mei it was nothing with the wave of his hand.

  As if nothing had happened, a cheerful looking Abby walked out of
the bathroom and into the living room, smiling.

  "Nanny!" Alex ran over and threw himself over Abby for her to catch
him.

  "Oh, Alex, you're getting too big for this," Abby smiled as she
dragged the boy over to Jing Mei and greeted her friend with a hug.

  "Alex, go play with your brother," Jing Mei ordered.

  "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Alex screamed and ran away from
the scene.

  Jing Mei let out a sigh and shook her head. "Do you need help in the
kitchen."

  Abby smiled, "Yeah, I'm almost done."

  "John," Jing Mei protested as she walked into the kitchen and found
her husband fishing for food in the refrigerator. "Don't spoil your
dinner."

  Carter let out a grunt and closed the refrigerator door. "I'm
hungry."

  "Just a couple more minutes," Abby added.

  Carter just grabbed a bottle of water and met Luka out in the living
room. "It's like being 5 again."

  Luka smiled and followed Carter to the couch. "Welcome to marriage."

  "I'm starving," Carter protested but then just gave up. "So how's
San Diego?" he asked over the voice of Barney.

  "Warm," Luka said as Liliana sucked on her thumb and played with her
own hair.

  "We've been meaning to take a vacation, but you know how it is,"
Carter said, pointing at his younger son, who was seating quietly in
front of the television screen.

  "Yeah," Luka answered understandingly. It was awkward to hear Carter
talking about "we" and "us". The whole scene at the apartment actually
made him feel like an outsider. As uncomfortable as if was, he was
glad he could also be a member of the audience, and watch them carry
on a show. But, it also felt as if they were all doing the play
together, except Luka was the only one who didn't know his lines.

  Liliana shifted on his lap and he realized Carter was still talking
about wanting to build a pool on his back yard.

  "But we can't take our eyes off of Alex, he's a troublemaker."

  As if on cue, the little boy came running, his hands to his sides
like a plane, and jumped into Carter's lap.

  "Jesus, Alex!" Carter moaned, holding on to his crotch. "What have I
said about jumping on daddy like that?"

  Alex giggled and knelt next to Luka, whispering in his ear. "Daddy
has a penis."

  "Alex, when adults are talking..." Carter said, looking sternly at
his son.

  Alex made one last attempt at winning his father's heart with a
pouty face, but Carter pointed his finger to the floor, and so Alex
walked over, sitting next to his little brother.
 
  "Ritalin?" Luka asked.

  "As soon as they give me the ok," Carter joked with chuckles.

  Luka watched as father and sons kept their eyes on the show, which
seemed to be a tape, a long tape. Alex looked more like Carter than
his little brother, but the way in which Lee sat in front of the
television, quiet and observant, reminded him also of John. Obviously
a very happy family. When Carter was chasing after Jing Mei, Luka was
worried. It seemed to him that John was on the rebound, trying to
recuperate from his inability to conquer Abby. He was worried John
would hurt Jing Mei, and also worried that one day Carter would
continue his pursue of Abby. It was a very selfish feeling, one Abby
had tried to shake out of him repeatedly. Even after he left, Luka was
worried that without his presence, Carter would break Jing Mei's heart
and make another move on Abby. Well, not worried, jealous. It was a
very rational feeling at the moment. Now it seemed stupid.

  "So what's wrong with Abby?" Carter asked all of a sudden.

  Luka looked towards the kitchen where both women cooked and talked
quietly. "I think she's just tired."

  Carter shook his head, unconvinced. He knew the real reason, but had
promised to be civil. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself at
bay. "I'm surprised she agreed to have us over," he added, crossing
his legs.

  "Why?" Luka frowned.

  Carter shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I come over sometimes,
and she and Deb have lunches and play dates with the kids, but we try
not to come over together, all of us."

  Luka wrinkled his forehead, unable to understand what Carter was
saying.

  After thinking about it, Carter brushed it off. When dropping a
bomb, it's best to throw and run. "I don't know, maybe she doesn't
mind, but I don't feel very comfortable. It's like we're rubbing it
in."

  Luka watched as Carter stood up and walked into the kitchen. For a
moment Carter went to hug Jing Mei from behind, but stopped himself
when Abby turned towards them. Was that the reason why she was upset?
Was it hard for her to see other people's happiness? There was no
doubt the Carter's were content, and the way Abby immediately walked
out of the kitchen to go to the bathroom left him with no doubt that
she couldn't stand to see it.

  He suddenly felt that ache in his stomach. For years after Mark had
died, he was furious at Abby. At one point he was convinced he even
hated her. He was feeling mad again. If she would have said yes when
he proposed, he wouldn't have left. He would have helped her get over
her depression, and they would have moved on. They would have found a
way to survive and create a family.

  But Abby had said no. As he held Liliana closer, he tried not to
remember that torturing night, but it was always inevitable. He even
dreamed of it, nightmares in which he woke up depressed and hopeless.
With tears in her eyes, she made him close the velvet box and walked
away from him. So instead, he had to find comfort on dirty bars along
the road. He had to talk to strangers about a life which wasn't even
his own, and he only moved on with a bottle of whiskey on his hand.
No. Amazing how such a small word can be so powerful that when
muttered, it can turn a life around.

  He felt a couple of eyes fixated on him and sure enough, there was
Alex, kneeling on the couch next to him, analyzing his face. Luka
smiled at the boy.

  "Are you my uncle?" Alex asked curiously, balancing himself on his
knees.

  Luka smiled, "No, no. But I'm your dad's friend."

  "Nanny is mommy's friend," Alex debated.

  Luka nodded, "Yes, but she's your godmother."

  Alex looked confused for a second, working out that math problem in
his head, and threw in another one. "Are you Lily's dad?"

  Luka raised his eyebrows questioningly.

  "Mommy said that Lily's dad went away, are you back?" the boy asked
with nothing but a serious expression on his face.

  Luka's mouth opened but he didn't know what to say. He looked back
at the kitchen, where Carter was stealing some food from a pot and
Jing Mei suddenly hit him playfully. He ate the contents anyway and
put his arms around his wife, giving her a kiss. Luka smiled and
looked back at Alex. "No, I'm not Lily's dad."

  Hearing her name, Liliana squealed, jumping up, reaching for Luka's
nose. Luka pinned her little fingers between his lips and shook her
whole hand with his mouth, making her laugh.

  Alex kept looking at Luka with a fixed expression. Who was this man?
He had never seen him before. The name Luka sounded familiar, but he
couldn't quite place it. He was tall. Alex liked it when people were
very tall, because they could play airplane better. His dad was tall,
and he could lift Alex way high in the air. This Luka fellow was even
taller, maybe he could even help Alex touch a cloud! He was nice to
Lily and him too. So, without much thought, Alex decided Luka would be
his friend. He smiled and continued to rock on his knees.

  "So how old are you, Alex?" Luka asked to keep the conversation
going.

  "Four and three quarters," Alex said with a smile, showing him the
number four with his fingers.

  Luka smiled, "Are you going to school?"

  Alex seemed to think about that for a moment, "Mmmmmmmmm, maybe in
the summer," he said as if it was his decision to make.

  Luka chuckled, the boy did have his smart genes. "How about your
brother?"

  "Oh, no! He's only two!" Alex laughed.

  Luka joined him. "Why is he so quiet?"

  Alex leaned over and whispered on Luka's ear. "He doesn't like
strangers."

  "Ah. Well, you can tell him I'm not a stranger, because now I'm your
friend," Luka whispered back.

  Alex immediately got off the couch, and whispered something into his
little brother's ear. Lee looked back at Luka with a serious
expression on his face. He got to his feet and walked over, inspecting
Luka. After a moment, he leaned on Luka's leg and grabbed Liliana's
hand, stroking it. Liliana, in return, smiled back at him.

  "Oh, no, they're in love!" Alex announced loudly, laughing.

  Luka laughed, "What do you know about that?"

  "They're holding hands, like mommy and daddy!" Alex said, covering
his mouth as if it was a big secret.

  Luka stroked Alex's hair. The boy reminded him of Jasna, the way she
would talk and talk and talk and have the energy to keep three cars
running. She'd wake up early in the morning, sneak into Luka and
Danjiela's room and wake them up with giggles and tickles. When Luka
came home from work, Jasna would get so excited, he'd have to lift her
up and shake her hard, and she'd laugh so much he thought she'd never
stop. Where ever Luka went, Jasna followed. She was daddy's little
girl, always laughing and smiling, smart and innocent. When he decided
to get some milk and bread, he left Jasna behind, crying, calling for
her daddy. That was the last time he heard her say something, the last
time he had seen her conscious, with tears on her eyes, reaching her
arms out to him.

  He didn't let the memory bring him down. For years he had let them
walk all over him, had let them stomp all over his life, to keep their
foot down even as he struggled to get up. It wouldn't happen anymore.

  "You doing ok here?" Abby asked as she came out of the bathroom, and
found Luka surrounded by kids.

  "Nanny, Lee and Lily are going to get married," Alex announced.

  Abby laughed, "We're going to have to do something about those
names, then."

  "Lee, Li, Ly, Lee, Li, Ly!" Alex began to scream and ran away with
his arms in the air. Lee let go of Lily's hand and ran after his big
brother.

  Luka looked up at her with a smile, "Why does he call you nanny?"

  "He couldn't pronounce my name when he was a baby," she shook her
hand, and walked over, picking up Liliana. "Hey, I'm sorry, baby," she
cooed, depositing kisses all over her daughter's face. Liliana, as if
she could understand, put her little arms around Abby's neck,
snuggling into her mother.

  Luka just watched. When the discussion of having a baby came up, one
of Abby's excuses, one of many, was that she wouldn't make a good
mother. Later, of course, he realized it was an argument she used to
avoid telling him the truth. Everything happened so fast that he could
remember it in a blink. As a couple, it took them a long time to find
the light and swim towards the surface, away from the deepness and
coldness that was their affliction. At first it was Abby swimming,
dragging him with her, then it was Luka, trying with all his might to
pull her out. For a long time no one tried to swim, and they sank
towards the bottom of the lake, cold, lost, and blind.

  Seeing the light and being able to breath was the most heavenly
feeling both had ever felt. Together, they had finally achieved that
stage in which everything was pure happiness, together. Abby was
always smiling, joking around, loving, beautiful. It was as if a new
Abby had taken over the old one, and that only made Luka fall in love
with her with even more passion. He was surprised when she asked him
to move in with her. Was this the same Abby who, with tears in her
eyes, asked him, begged him, not to fall in love with her? He tried to
see it from all angles, think of her every intention, making sure she
was doing it for the right reasons. After they were having lunch in
the cafeteria one day, and she wrote the words 'I love you' in ketchup
on his sandwich, he knew she was.

  He had always wondered why Abby wanted to be an OB nurse. She did
two OB rotations and finally decided to become one. If Luka couldn't
find Abby, he always knew where to look.


 
   ... "Hey," he caught up with her in the middle of the hall and
immediately noticed the grin on her face. "You're too busy for lunch?"

  "With you? Never," she walked a little fast. "But I can't today, a
woman just gave birth to triplets, they're adorable."

  Luka chuckled as he put his hands on his pockets, following her
closely. "Maybe she'll let you keep one," he joked.

  "Nah, I'd rather make our own," Abby said nonchalantly, walking,
with a neutral expression on her face.

  Luka's heart, lungs, and legs stopped dead on his tracks, and
stopped Abby with him. "What?" He looked down at her, with a frown on
his face.

  "What?" Abby asked, clueless.

  "Wait, wha-what does that mean?" he asked as a nurse wheeled a
mother down the hall. She looked at Abby with a presumptuous smile and
continued on her path.

  Luka looked around to make sure none of the gossipers were hiding
behind a desk, grabbed Abby's arm and guided her to a corner. "Ab...
Abby, do you wanna have a baby?"

  A brief, surprised look appeared on Abby's face, for she hadn't been
aware of her slip. But her facial features quickly eased and she
opened her mouth to say something, only an annoying beep came out. She
looked down at her pager and up at Luka. "I have to go."

  "A-Abby," Luka called as she walked away from him.

  "I'll be home around 6." ...


  And she was gone. He never did know what went through Abby's mind
after that. The same night he tried to talk to her about it, but she
changed the subject repeatedly and knowing it was thin ice, Luka let
it go, keeping an eye open. A week later he found her on the couch,
crying, and it was then when she told him about her abortion, about
her wanting to have a baby with him, and about her physical inability
to do so. She cried so much her face turned red and she chocked on her
own air. He could do nothing but hold her there, try to comfort her,
try to reassure her everything would be ok. It wasn't until she fell
asleep when the reality of it all hit him.

  He was in love with Abby, wanted to marry her, wanted to start a
family with her. But Abby had had an abortion. His pro choice beliefs
came to the rescue and he was able to put that issue behind him. But
that didn't mean it wouldn't affected their relationship. It did. He
wondered what kind of relationship she had with Richard that she
couldn't be honest with her own husband. He became scared, and
confused. Would she be that way with him also? The next day they woke
up, and Abby was depressed, and she remained depressed even as he
adjusted his rear view mirror and sped out of Chicago.

  As he looked at her now with Liliana, he regretted ever leaving. He
regretted not being able to talk to her about it. He regretted not
suggesting adoption, or a surrogate mother, or in vitro fertilization.
As much as he wanted it, he regretted buying that ring, a false hope
for solving all their problems. He knew it was painful for Abby, to
have her own body deny her of what she wanted the most, and he was
scared. So he remained silent, a silence that changed their lives, a
silence that picked him up and guided him to San Diego, and kept him
there for five long years.

  "Dinner is ready," Jing Mei announced as she walked into the room.

  Abby heard Carter celebrate from the kitchen and smiled at Luka,
motioning him it was time to eat. The boys were sat by a small table,
Liliana on her high chair, and the adults around the dining table.

  "I hope all the men around this table know they are washing the
dishes," Jing Mei joked.

  Carter, happy that dinner was finally served, only popped a piece of
chicken into his mouth. "Not a problem."

  "And I hope they also know the dish washer is broken," Abby added.

  "Damn," Carter muttered as he dropped his arm on the table.

  "Can I help, mommy?" Alex asked from his small chair, his mouth full
of spaghetti.

  "Can he help, mommy?" Carter asked Jing Mei, pouting.

  Laughing, Jing Mei pushed Carter away playfully. "No he can't, he'll
break the dishes."

  Luka heard Alex protest to himself and stared down at his food. As
they began to eat, he watched as the boys made a mess of theirs,
Liliana sucked on her bottle, the Carters talked and talked and
talked, and Abby played with her food. The same piece of bread cleaned
the plate off of marinara sauce over and over again as she dragged it
slowly around the ceramic. He kept stealing glances of her as she
traveled to her own little world. The last time he saw her like that,
it was when Maggie almost died. He always wondered where her mind went
when she did that. She had invited him once, but he never had much
time to go in.

  Suddenly a fork was tapped to a glass and Carter cleared his throat.
"Well, I'd like to take this moment to make a couple of announcements.
First, we're all glad Luka is here," he said and looked at Jing Mei.
"Second, I'd like to reiterate the importance of family. In the old
days in which the Mayans and Incas inhabited this here land..."

  "Oh for God's sake," Jing Mei said desperately. "We're gonna have
another baby!"

  Luka gasped without air, looking at their friend's happiness. "Wow,
congratulations." He shook Carter's hand and kissed Jing Mei on the
cheek.

  With a shy smile, Abby stood up to embrace her friends, "That's
great, I'm happy for you."

  Carter hugged Abby and then sat down on the chair. "Well, you know,
I figured the more we reproduce, the more we'll get our hands on the
Carter-Chen fortune."

  "Liar," Jing Mei said. "He wants the girl now."

  "Ok, so I want to have a girl," Carter said. "It would be nice if
the boys had a sister.

  Luka, smiling, looked at the couple and then down. He really didn't
know what to say anymore, so he kept smiling, filling that void of
silence. He was happy for his friends, but he couldn't help but
feeling jealous. He was jealous of the way happiness seemed to have
taken on the Carters side. He was also angry that he was being ignored
by it. His mind had simply forgotten the numerous times in which he
had prayed to God for happiness, joy, at least some intervals of
satisfaction. But every time he seemed to get just that, it was taken
away. For 15 years he had been going up and down the same loop, but
never slowly enough to feel at peace. It went slowly once, but surely
the cycle continued.

  When he looked at Abby to his side he saw himself in her eyes, and
knew she was feeling the same way.

  "Well, I guess it's our turn to work now," Carter said suddenly as
he stood up and grabbed his and his wife's plates.

  Luka did the same, and for once, Abby didn't protest. She sat back,
looking at Jing Mei longingly, and then took the empty bottle away
from her daughter's hands. She picked Liliana up and walked over the
living room with her, having her sit on her lap and she turned on
Barney once more. She was joined by Jing Mei, carrying her youngest
child.

  "I can't wait until they get to the age where they realize Barney is
ridiculous," Jing Mei protested.

  Abby smiled softly, letting a little air out her nostrils. After a
moment, she looked at Jing Mei. "I thought you didn't want to have
more kids," she added slowly.

  Jing Mei shrugged her shoulders, holding Lee tight. "We didn't, but
then it just happened, and as John said, we really wanna have a girl."

  Abby nodded, stroking her daughter's hair.

  "Besides, it would be nice if Lily could play with someone," Jing
Mei added, pinching Liliana's cheeks.

  Abby opened her mouth to same something quick as a wave of anger and
sadness washed over her. When nothing came out, she just looked at the
television. She suddenly wished Maggie would be there, to wrap her in
her arms and comfort her like she did the first time, when Luka left.

  She looked towards the kitchen as he scrubbed the plates and Carter
dried them. Getting over Luka was almost impossible if not completely,
because seeing him again immediately brought back all those feelings.
Powerless to stop them, she decided to ignore them, and act as if
nothing was happening inside of her. When she saw him the second day,
she wanted to test herself, see if she could tame her own mind. But
that first night, when he left her apartment so furiously, her eyes
remained opened for days. She had tried to go to the conference, to
work, to the day care center, to bed... all without thinking of Luka,
putting him out of her mind. But it wouldn't do. He always found a way
to sneak back in when her guards were down. If he wasn't doing it
mentally, he was doing it physically, like tonight.

  Carter watched as the blue towel dried the water residues away
slowly. He was very aware of the man standing next to him, but didn't
know exactly what to say. All the main topics had been covered, and
when the old news were gone, you're left with nothing but old news.

  Luka suddenly shifted on his feet, handing Carter a plate. "It was
nice that you could come."

  Carter nodded, coming out of his reverie, looking up at Luka.
"Yeah," he said, waiting for Luka to say something else, but Luka
remained quiet. "Listen," he started seriously. "I'm not gonna lie to
you. When I heard you were back, it really bothered the hell out of
me."

  Luka blinked a couple of times, looking down at his job, taking all
of that in. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted.

  "No, let me finish," Carter jumped in. "I know you had your reasons,
and I respect that. But it still doesn't change the way I feel about
it. I'm trying to be civil because Deb wants me to, but I thought you
should know anyway."

  Luka looked at him, seriously, at eye level. He wanted a rebuttal,
but found Carter interrupting him again.

  "Like I said, you have your reasons. I've had time to cool off, and
yeah, it was bad for you mainly. I don't know how I would have reacted
if Deb turned me down, so I can try to understand what it's like to be
on your side," Carter said, and looked up at Luka. "But the thing is
that she didn't want to say no. I don't know why she did, and that's
between you and Abby."
 
  "Carter," Luka added, but Carter interrupted him yet again.

  "I know that she wanted to marry you, Luka. She never talked about
it with me, but I know she did. And these past five years..."

  "Carter," Luka said definitely. "I really don't wanna talk about
it."

  Carter nodded, knowing Luka would never open up to a man who almost
stole his girlfriend, but he was hoping he could at least send a
message. He shrugged his shoulders, putting a cup down on the counter.
"It's just that I don't like seeing her sad like that."

  "Me neither," Luka added, working faster.

  Carter looked up, "But you can do something about it." He watched as
Luka stared at him as well, and Carter hoped Luka would understand
what he wanted to say, what he needed to hear, what needed to be done.
He had promised his wife he would stay away from the issues that
affected Luka and Abby, but after tonight, it was a promise he would
have to throw out the window. Both Luka and Abby looked as if they
were being restrained behind glass, confined to small spaces. Sitting
next to each other during dinner, it was evident to Carter that they
wanted to touch each other, to be one. But they had both done many
mistakes, too many to fix with a touch, or an embrace. Carter knew the
predicament well. Going up is too exhausting, too hard to handle. But
going down was misery, a torture. And finding the middle is harder
than both being up and down. He came across that when he found out
about his feelings for Deb. She had been such a wonderful friend, for
so many years, and he didn't want to ruin that. But he wanted more; he
needed more. So he found himself going up and down, exactly where Luka
and Abby were, only they were also thousands of miles apart.

  Everyone jumped up when a cup suddenly fell off the counter and
smashed to the floor.

  "John," Jing Mei protested as she walked in.

  "It was an accident!" Carter said.

  "Daddy!" Alex rain in.

  "Alex, stay over there," Abby said as she grabbed a broom.

  Carter looked at Luka with half a smile and chuckled, "I'm sorry,
Abby, I'll buy you a new one."

  "Don't worry about it," Abby said as she picked up the last of the
glass.

  With a sigh, Jing Mei grabbed the towel from Carter's hand and
snapped his legs with it. "Get out of here, we'll finish."

  "Nah, that's..." Luka said but Carter elbowed him on the ribs.

  "Well, if you say so, honey," Carter kissed his wife and walked into
the living room

  Luka looked at Abby as if asking for permission, with the bottle of
soap on his hand.

  "That's ok," Abby said, grabbed the bottle from him and began to
help Jing Mei, still not looking him in the eyes.

  Luka watched her for a moment, trying to put Carter's words into
place. The night was starting to give him a headache, and suddenly he
wished he was back home. This was all too painful. Abby didn't want
him there, and he had no where else to go but San Diego. Carter was
mad at him for something he had no idea what he was talking about and
time had simply changed things too much. He was tired of being in the
audience, he wanted to leave the show.

  Suddenly the sounds of Carter screaming and children laughing came
from the living room. He found John on his back on the floor, trying
to balance his younger boy in his legs.

  "When you don't feel safe at home, when you're scared to go out,
when the streets are no longer yours, don't fear, because you can
always count on...." Carter announced seriously.

  "SUPER LEE!" Alex jumped up and down in excitement.

  "Super Lee!" Carter repeated, picking up his younger son and lifting
him up in the air. "A blood thirsty baby with justice on his mind and
milk on his taste buds," he added with a trumpet. He stood on his feet
and 'flew' Lee all over the living room.

  "Now me, daddy!" Alex jumped up and down, trying to climb his
father.

  Luka looked from one side to the other, finding no way out. Even
Liliana was in on the fun, crawling around the living room and rocking
herself back and forth on her hands and knees.

  Jing Mei heard from the kitchen and turned her head around, "No
Wonder Alex tonight," she called out.

  "Mom!" Alex protested from the living room.

  "John, they're gonna throw up all over you," she added and heard her
three men protest. With a chuckle she went back to the dishes,
throwing side glances at Abby. When some time passed and her friend
didn't say anything, she decided to use this as her opportunity.

  "Are you ok?" Jing Mei asked, concerned.

  Abby looked up and gave her a smile. "Yeah," she said a little
cheery.

  Jing Mei raised her eyebrows, a little scared of falling on the
mouth of the wolf. "Uh, no, um, I mean with Luka here."

  Abby's smile immediately faded and she continued to clean on the
dishes. "Yeah," she said in a tone which indicated she would continue,
but she didn't.

  Jing Mei looked at her again, and then down at the cup she held in
her hands. She knew if she continued to press on the issue Abby would
react the wrong way. Luka would leave anyway, so there would be plenty
of time to talk about it later.

  "Oh, no!" Carter yelled and his lament was joined in with the
laughter of his two sons.

  "What happened?" Jing Mei asked.

  "Lily threw up!" Alex said in a fit of giggles.

  "All over my new shirt," Carter walked into the kitchen with the
baby on his hands and gave her to Abby.

  Jing Mei grabbed a towel and began to scrub on her husband. "I told
you."

  "None of the boys threw up," Carter protested.

  Abby gave Carter another towel as Liliana hung from her right arm.
"Sorry, Carter," she said and left the couple there, walking towards
the nursery.

  "Do you need help?" Luka asked in an attempt to escape the room.

  Abby jumped up at his voice, and turned around with a fake smile,
"No, that's ok."

  Luka stood there and watched her enter the nursery, and close the
door behind her.

  "Now me! Now me!" Alex jumped in front of Luka, begging him to carry
him.

  Luka did, but not in the way Alex wanted him to. He walked over and
sat on the couch, with the kid on his lap. "Do you have a girlfriend,
Alex?"

  "Ewwww!" Alex made a face, grabbing Luka's pen and playing with it.

  "Yeah, ew," Luka answered. He looked towards the kitchen, where Jing
Mei was trying to add a better scent to the shirt with soap.

  "Deb, that's making it worse," Carter protested.

  "Stop moving around and maybe I can fix it," Jing Mei added.

  Luka looked at Alex, "Maybe you'll be lucky like your dad."

  "I'm gonna be an artichet," he said proudly.

  "Architect?" Luka laughed.

  "It's just a shirt, John, let it go," Jing Mei said as she waked
into the living room.

  "It's my favorite shirt," Carter protested, following behind.

  Jing Mei looked back in reluctance, "You just bought it, how can it
be your favorite?"

  "The new ones are my favorite," Carter said as he came down to her
eye level.

  "Alright," Jing Mei nodded looking down at Luka. "We should go
before John's shirt is taken away by social services."

  "It's silk," Carter protested.

  With a chuckle, Luka stood up and handed Alex to Carter. "I'll go
get Abby."

  "No," Carter said immediately. "It's ok, just... tell her I'll call
her."

  Luka stopped, looking down at the ground, where a smaller boy was
sleeping under the table. "Ok." He took the baby out and handed him to
Jing Mei.

  "It was nice to see you again," Jing Mei hugged him and walked
towards the door.

  "And next time you're in town, give me a call," Carter said, shaking
Luka's hand. "And I do mean that."

  Luka nodded, "I will."

  "Say bye to Luka," Carter asked Alex.

  "Bye Luka," Alex said, offering his small hand to the tall man who
could make him touch a cloud.

  "Be good, Alex," Luka shook his hand. The guests didn't say anything
again, and only opened the door to have Luka close it. He stood there
for a moment, leaning against it. He had seen most of his friends, and
he didn't feel good, not one bit. Melancholy began to climb up his
body like a misty fog, and he looked at the floor, confused, wondering
if he was sad because he'd have to leave, or disappointed that there
was no place for him in Chicago.

  As he tapped on the doorknob, he looked around the room, debating on
whether he should leave or find Abby, say goodbye the right way. As he
thought of his future days back in San Diego, he realized he'd be
hitting himself over the head repeatedly if he didn't.

  The room was almost dark except for a baby lamp which rested on a
small night table by the wall. He opened the door slowly, cautiously,
and found Abby there, resting her arms against the crib and looking
down at Liliana. For a moment he thought of leaving her alone and
going to the hotel. But it bothered him that the whole night had been
an act. Not a play in which he didn't know his lines, but a long scene
Abby had put up for everyone.

  "Abby?" he said softly, not wanting to wake the baby up.

  Abby straightened up quickly and looked back at him. "I'll be right
there."

  "No, they're gone," Luka said, holding the frame of the door with
one hand and the knob with the other.

  "Oh," Abby said, removing some hair out of her face.

  "Are you ok?" Luka asked, one foot wanting to move forward, and the
other back, and just making it seem as if he was rocking back and
forth.

  "Yeah," Abby said and just resumed her watching.

  "No you're not," Luka said. He finally walked in, and stood next to
her, not too close, in front of the crib. He looked at the sleeping
baby, whose only sign of life was the rapid movement of the pink
pacifier on her mouth, and then at Abby. He didn't even bother to wait
for a response from her.

  "What's wrong, Abby?" he asked again, but she wouldn't even move.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked hesitantly.

  Abby closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. 'What's wrong',
stupidest question she had ever heard. She opened her mouth to say
something but nothing came out, and so it seemed like she had just
taken a deep breath. She let it out slowly and looked at the ballerina
painted walls, shaking her head. "I'm just," she said and stopped
there.

  Luka waited for her to continue, but the silence was killing him
inside, so he jumped in. "What was that about? Tonight?" he asked,
looking down at her, but his stare not being reciprocated. "Is it
because of me?"

  Abby took a deep breath immediately and let it out as her body sank
in lower, knowing there was no use in lying. "Of course."

  Luka looked around the room for a moment, as time seemed to stop,
silent, motionless, until Abby broke it.

  "What's her name?"

  Luka looked at her and asked, "Who?"

  "Your girlfriend," she added, staring down at the crib.

  "Irene," he said lowly, bitterly, the word losing all its charm, all
the charm that was his girlfriend.

  "Do you love her?" Abby asked.

  The moment reminded him of one they had shared long ago, when he was
also hopelessly chasing after his past. He shifted on his feet, not
wanting to answer that question, not knowing what the repercussions
would be.

  "I, um," he started hesitantly.

  "It's ok," Abby reassured him, bracing herself against the crib. If
he muttered out the worst, then she would have to move on with her
life, and that thought terrified her.

  Luka moistened the inside of his upper lip. "We haven't been
together long." There was a silence in which if she hadn't been
standing in front of him, he would have thought she left the room. It
wasn't until she let out a sigh when he realized he was still living.

  "Luka why did you have to leave?" she let out with a breath of pain.

  Luka caught some air and left it in his lungs for as long as he
could. Even though pain would make this a sleepless night, he wanted
to get everything out, and he wanted answers as well.

  "You know why, Abby," he responded in a raspy voice.

  Abby shook her head, the moist in her eyes making everything clearer
to see.

  "You didn't want to marry me," Luka added almost shyly, almost not
wanting her to hear it, but at the same time wishing she had.

  "That's not true," Abby said quickly.

  "You said no," Luka said accusingly, trying to compress his emotions
so they wouldn't burst through him in a bolt of rage.

  Abby looked up at him for the first time, with a look of disbelief.
"Luka, you gave me a ring because you thought that would cheer me up."

  "I loved you, Abby," Luka said, raising his voice a little. "I
wanted you to be my wife. I wanted a family with you." He watched as
Abby looked down, the first tear falling silently into the carpet. "We
could have adopted, Abby," he added, looking at the sleeping baby. "We
could have found a surrogate mother, there were other ways. But I
wanted to be your husband, that's why I proposed."

  "It would have been worse," Abby protested.

  Luka raised his arms slightly off his sides, "How?"

  Abby bit her lip, trying to gather a rebuttal for a trial she was
losing. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The timing was
wrong, Luka. You only proposed because you thought it would make me
happy. I didn't need a wedding, I needed time. I wanted to heal. When
I realized I wanted a baby... it was the happiest moment of my life. I
wasn't scared anymore. I wanted to have a baby with you." She hook her
head and looked around, smiling sadly. "Then I couldn't. And I knew
how much you wanted to have children, and that made me scared again."

  Luka closed his eyes and looked down. "Abby, I never..."

  "And when I told you," she continued, interrupting him. "You were
supportive, but I knew you were disappointed. And you didn't tell me,
Luka. Why didn't you tell me?"

  Luka kept looking down at the carpet, only hearing her crying voice.
He blinked some moisture away and continued. "I didn't want to hurt
you." He looked up at her saddened face. "I still wanted to marry you,
Abby."

  "But not for the right reason," she added.

  Luka looked at her, at the baby in the crib, and at Abby again. "So
now what?"

  Abby tried to look at him, but ended up looking at the rocking chair
instead. "Now you leave again."

  Luka felt as a big knife dug itself deep into his heart, almost
coming out the other way entirely. He stood there for a moment,
waiting to die, to be consumed by this whirlwind of emotions, to have
God revoke the punishment he had bestowed upon his birth. When that
didn't happen, and tears began to burn the corner of his eyes, he
walked over, and turned around at the door, holding on to its knob.

  "I came back because I still love you, I realized that tonight. And
you know what else I realized? I'll always love you. And I love that
baby, you were right, it only took one night, she's perfect."

  Abby wanted to say something, anything, make him stop because he
killed her slowly with every word, but she couldn't talk, move, or
think. She could only hear as he did what Luka always does, make her
feel as if she wasn't from this planet. Her front teeth were pressing
against her lower lip hard and her eyes felt moist. When she looked
up, he saw that Luka was crying also.

  "I left because I can't live without you. Maybe I'm a coward, or
just a fool, but I can't see you everyday knowing I can't have you
with me. I hope you understand that, because it still hurts me,
everyday." He looked down, and shrugged his shoulders as he wiped a
tear off his nose with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Abby. I hope you find
someone who loves you as much as I do, because you deserve it."

  He didn't want to look at her face. He wanted to erase this memory
forever. With bricks attached to his old shoes, he left her apartment,
heading for a lonely, cold, and uninviting hotel room. Maybe the trip
was not a mistake after all. He finally said good bye, to everyone,
even the woman who still held his heart in her hands, and would hold
it forever.

  As he walked out of her apartment building, the cold Chicago air hit
his face like a slap, drying the remaining lingering tears. He looked
up at the tall building, trying to see if her window was lit, if she
was there, asking him to come up. There was nothing. So he kept
walking, not even remembering where his car was. He didn't want to
leave. He wanted to go up and tell her he wouldn't leave this time,
that he wanted to raise that baby with her. But as he spotted the
rental car from afar, he was already thinking of catching an early
flight to San Diego.

  A stranger once said, "It's better to have loved and lost than not
loved at all." The joy that is love makes the heart live forever, yet
the anguish that comes with it burns through it like a powerful acid;
slowly, painfully, until one day you wake up, and there's nothing
there but the memory of what was once eternal life, and an empty,
cold, and hollow cavity resting painfully within your chest.


Carolina