Sink Or Swim
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com

"Hey buddy, the train is here" A rather overweight man called out to a dark figure sitting in a bench as yet another train approached the station. The worm like transportation medium stopped in front of him, letting passengers in and out, all of whom went on to their usual routines without acknowledging each other.

But Luka Kovac kept concentrating on a dark circle which stained the floor between his right and left foot. It had been 5 hours since that baby died under his care, a week since Carol left, 9 years since he lost his sanity, and 34 years since his life began 297,840 hours of happiness and sadness, hours of loss, of hope, of fear and regret, of disappointment, over and over again. And now, nothing. Two years ago he swore he would never go back to this dark place again. But it seemed like every time things seemed to be getting better, something attached to his back prevented him from going any further. Like when he was a kid and kept trying to swim to the shore, to safety, but the tide kept pulling him back. We all know you shouldn't fight the current. 'Is it time to stop swimming?' he wondered.

For the first time in the three hours he had been sitting there, he felt the chill of the night in his bones. It had been a long May day, one of the longest days of his life. There was no doubt in his mind that he had done the right thing by transporting that kid in the chopper. He saved his life, he opened the gates to that kid's future. If he had to do it all over again, knowing the outcome, he would. He had spent many hours of his life playing the 'if' game, and he was tired, his mind was tired of thinking, his heart tired of hopeless beats. Looking at his watch he realized maybe he should go home and at least get a few hours of sleep before he lost his mind again. Both options seemed appealing at the moment.



Luka was in a field of Daisies, surrounded by a peaceful light and relaxing music. Once his eyes got used to the white light, he looked around carefully. The sky was as blue as the Caribbean Sea, some birds flying and the sun shinning proudly in the sky. He could hear some voices in the distance, but the distance was too vast. So he stood there, enjoying the beauty that surrounded him. He felt a presence and turned around. From the horizon, a figure was walking towards him, becoming clearer and clearer as its legs took closer steps. His heart skipped a couple of beats when he realized who it was. In front of him stood his wife, looking more exquisite than he had ever seen her, dressed in white. The dark bags under her eyes were gone, and the bag of worries and preoccupations over her shoulders vanished. She stood in front of him and smiled that smile which made him weak at the knees. He wanted to touch her, to hold her and kiss her. To tell her that he was sorry and that he missed her, that he still loved her and that he always will. 'But you have to move on' her lips mouthed. He felt an eerie energy filling his lungs when he realized she could hear what he was thinking 'I always have', she strengthened his belief.

"How?" He wondered.

With one finger, she touched his heart. "As long as you have us here, we'll have you here" she touched her head.

He could feel the tears forming on the corner of his eyes, he could also feel a jovial energy invading every one of his pores. He didn't want this moment, this dream, this reverie to end, but somewhere on the back of his head, he knew it would. With a simple look from her, thousands of questions were answered, hundreds of silent bets settled, dozens of fears soothed. "How are our children" he managed to whisper. With one arm, she produced vivid image in mid air, his two babies were in it, playing with other kids. They stopped and looked at him, as if looking at a camera, and waved hello before resuming their game. Luka waved back while a bright smile managed to be born on his lips.

"We're safe now" She said as her figure began to vanish the same way it had come into focus. "And we'll always love you too" It was now a whisper. He stood there, a part of him wanting to chase her and never let her, them, leave his life once more. But the biggest part of him embraced this moment. The were okay, they were content, and now, he knew he would be too.

"Good morning Chicago, this is crazy Pete and you are listening to WCHX. It time for all you lazy 9 to 5 workers to get off your bed and..." With the swing of an arm, Luka's clock went flying to the floor. His eyes opened wide, and a small ray of the sun made it's way into his room and to a spot in the wall. He stood up, at the same time remembering his lucid dream, and smiled. Was this the beginning of something good? Of salvation? Maybe it was just a message from his unconscious, maybe it was a real message. Whatever it was, it sure had him feeling much better. In fact, he hadn't remembered feeling this good in years. It scared him a little, but he knew there was no reason to be scared.

So he brushed his teeth and got dressed. A little moan escaped his system when he saw the emptiness of his refrigerator "Note to self: go to the supermarket" he said to no one. A glance to the clock of his stove and he decided it was still early to get some breakfast somewhere. It was a beautiful day, and his stomach began to protest, something it hadn't done in a while. He grabbed his bag and walked out the door. As if he had forgotten something, he walked back in, dug into his wallet for the picture of his wife and daughter, kissed it gently, and put it on a shelf in his living room. After whispering a small prayer, he left the room for good.

"Morning Dr. Kovac" a monotone voice came from behind the desk as Luka walked into his workplace

"Good morning Randi" he smiled at her. She gave him a confusing look and went back to her Glamour magazine. Two seconds later, she snapped "Oh, by the way, Dr. Weaver wants to talk to you, she's walking around somewhere or doing something... she's in the building"

He laughed "Wow, you are just a source of information aren't you?"

She gave him a 'you're welcomed' wave with her hand without looking up from her Bible and answered one of the phones. "ER, what's your problem"

Luka shook his head and opened the door to the lounge. Abby Lockhart was sitting at the table, looking straight ahead, playing with a folded letter in her hand. "Morning Abby" he said, but got no response from her. He opened his locker, put his things inside, and retrieved his lab coat all the while looking at her. "Abby?"

She finally jumped up and turned around "Dr. Kovac" she said as if she hadn't seen him in years. "Morning" She stood up.

"Are you ok" he asked. Abby was always in a different world, but now she seemed like she was completely gone.

She looked at the letter still in her hand and put it in her pocket, "Yeah". He was about to say something but she quickly left the room, leaving him with his words in his mouth.

After pouring himself a fresh cup of coffee, we walked back towards the front desk. The bad thing about having the am shift is that the board was completely empty. Kids were still in school, and there weren't many car accidents caused by drunken drivers. He spotted Kerry limping from exam 2 to exam 3 and he ran to her. "Kerry" She turned around, "Did you want to speak to me?"

Kerry looked around and guided him to a corner. "Yes Luka, as an attending I guess I should let you know that John Carter will be absent for a couple of months?"

He didn't understand. "Is he ok?"

"Yeah, he's fine. He aggravated his injury yesterday and he'll be going to physical therapy until he feels like he can begin to work again" She looked him in the eyes.

Luka knew there was something more to that. He had seen Carter's behavior after the attack, his mood changes and distant looks. But he knew well not to push the issue, so he went along. "Ok, sure"

"Good" She was glad he didn't either "Listen, about yesterday's clash with Peter Benton..."

He interrupted her "No. Look Kerry, I know the rules, I know the most critical patient is priority, but I know I did the right thing. You can punish me, suspend me if you want to, but I am not apologizing for something I do not regret" He looked her intensely in the eyes.

Kerry took a deep breath, "I know you don't regret what happened, in a way, I don't either. Because in the end the kid turned out to be the most critical patient, there won't be an investigation, so you don't have to worry about your job. But next time remember that there are rules which have to be followed, and as care givers, we are in no position to say who deserves better care, which is why we treat everyone equally. Is that understood?"

He looked down, "Yeah"

It wasn't.



"Single MVA, auto versus pedestrian, 24 year old male, found unconscious at the scene, subject is non responsive, pulse ox 93, bp is 80 palp" Doris let out the usual information as they moved the gurney into trauma 2.

"Alright on my count, one, two, three. Get a CBC, 3 units of O neg, I need a head CT and a chest x-ray, now" Luka said as he worked on the young man.

"You got it from here?" Doris called out

"Yeah, thanks Doris. Haleh get a Foley. Lydia hook him to an IV" He ordered the nurses

"Pupils are equal and dilated" Abby felt the man's chest with her stethoscope "Decreased breath sounds on the left, pulse is thready"

"He might have a punctured lung. Ok Abby, intubate him. Lydia, let's do a lavage" Luka said as Dave Malucci entered the room.

"So, having a party without me?" He picked up the chart while Luka gave him the bullet.

"Abby, is the tube in?" Luka looked over at Abby, who was struggling with the tube.

"I can't see the vocal chords" She said

"Take a deep breath and try again" He said patiently

She did so and began again from scratch, Dave was getting anxious. "For God's sake Abby, you've done this before" He took the tube from her hands and began to do it himself. Luka gave her a reassuring look.

A machine began to beep loudly "He's on V-Fib" Lydia called out.

"Start compressions, give me the paddles, charge to 200" Luka glanced at the man while the machine charged "Clear" the first shock went through the man's body without any effect "250...Clear" again, nothing happened. The cycle continued for twenty more minutes until hope vanished "Time of death 14:26" Luka said as the nurses began to clean the body and pick up the mess. Abby looked at the motionless figure of the man, took her gloves off, and left the room.

"He didn't have a chance" Said Dave as walked into the next room, where Kerry was working on a heart attack.

"Lydia make sure you let me know when the family gets here, I'll be around" he said as he walked away.

"Hey Randi, have you seen Dave?" Luka asked as he came around the corner.

"He was in sutures last time I checked" She looked at the board "But the patient is gone so I guess he's not there anymore" She blew a bubble with her gum.

Luka rolled his eyes "Thanks." He began to walk towards the stairs and his mind wandered. He was glad his shift was almost over, and he was glad he survived this day, he was mostly glad Peter Benton had his day off, or that would have been a very nasty encounter. He knew they would have to cross paths sometime, but they were both adults, and he promised himself he would behave that way when the time came.

He opened the door to the roof and stepped in quietly. He was surprised to see Abby next to the edge of the building. She stood in silence, looking at the city. Walking closer he leaned over the edge next to her, "Hey"

She didn't look at him, like something in the horizon had her in a trance "I'm sorry about earlier"

"Don't be. It was a hard case, you're a student" He said, trying to see what she was looking at. "So, are you gonna tell me why you're so depressed today or are you gonna make me lock you up here until you do?" She half smiled and dug into her pocket, taking a wrinkled letter and handing it to him with a little reluctance. She was so tired of thinking about it all day, that any attempt to explain to him what had happened with words would drive her towards insanity. He read it carefully and looked at her when he was done "Is there something you can do about it?"

"What can I do? My ex husband was supposed to pay the tuition, and he didn't. No money, no education" She turned and looked at him for the first time.

"I'm sorry" He gave her the letter back. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know" she took a deep breath and looked at her shoes "I guess I can drop out and start working to pay all the debts, and after a while I can go back to school"

"Yeah" He looked at the orange hue the sun left on the sky after half of it went down. "Is there something I can do?"

"No. This is my problem, I don't wanna get you or anyone else dragged into it" She would have said no even if HE was a part of it. She was too proud to accept help from anyone. "Maybe Dr. Weaver will let me pick up a couple of shifts in the er" She joked.

"That would be very nice" He didn't. They were in silence for a moment, until the sun went down completely. Luka retrieved his body from the ledge "Are you off?"

Abby looked at her watch "Fifteen minutes ago"

"Ok, are you coming down?" He began to walk away

"Yeah. I'll be right there" A chilly wind made her body shake

Luka was almost out the door when a crazy idea popped into his head and he turned around "Actually" she turned around to face him too "I have to go to the super market, and I read somewhere that you should always bring a woman with you. Care to join me?"

Abby laughed "That is so sexist!" she said in disbelief.

He laughed too "Yeah but I don't want to spend all night in front of the vegetable isle because I don't know which lettuce head is green enough" He shoot her a smile "Come on, it'll be fun"

Abby weighed her options, a night alone with her cat and a TNT B movie, or actually spending some time with a human being. She looked at the city again and then at him "You're on"

"Great" he jumped up "Do you know of any supermarkets near here?"

She gave him a weird look "Where do you shop?"

"Mc Donald’s" He said as he opened the door for her and they both walked back into the er.

A supermarket somewhere in Chicago. Luka stepped into the giant store followed by Abby "So after a few days we had to put him to sleep, cause the vet said the cancer had spread to the lungs and he was suffering" She said. After he almost ran over a dog, a conversation about childhood pets began.

"That's very sad" He said

"Yeah" she moaned.

Luka moved to a corner to get a shopping cart, which was stuck to the next one. He kept pulling but the cart wouldn't come out. Abby walked closer, gave the line of carts a good kick, and the cart rolled into Luka's hands "Wow," He said, taking the cart and walking into the supermarket "So this is a good place, huh?"

"Oh yeah" she said while looking around the fruit "They have the cheapest stuff here"

"Is this where you shop" He smelled some lemons.

"I used to, but, I don't have a car now so I just go to a small place near my house which, of course it's more expensive, but, you know, I don't have to walk 3 miles to get there" She saw him struggling with a plastic bag for the fruit "You don't do this often, do you?"

"Can't you tell?" He tried to blow the bag open but to no avail.

She laughed and took the bag from him, "Do you like apples?" she pointed to the round fruits in front of them.

"Yeah" he said

"Red, yellow, or green"

He rolled his eyes "You'd think they could make this easy" he looked at the three kinds of apples and played the innie minnie game "Yellow"

"Yeah, those are the best" They began to put some in a bag, she looked at two he held in his hands, "Wait, those are all green"

"But it's in the yellow section" He protested.

"Yeah, but it's still green, you have to dig around for the good ones. That way you don't have to wait weeks until they get yellow." She filled the bag and showed it to him "Is that good enough?"

"Perfect" He said, not really in touch with his shopping side. "Where would I be without you?"

"Clogging your arteries in some junk food fest grind" she poked his stomach and walked over to where the vegetables where.

After picking some oranges and melons, he went after her. "Tell me about the lettuce again?"

"Well, when you touch it, make sure it feels fresh, not groggy. If it's in a bag, you can see it in the color" she picked one bagged "See how this one is a dark opaque green?"

He looked closer "Yeah?"

"That's not good, you wanna get one like this" she picked up a shiny one "See? You can see some beads of water, that means it's fresh"

He took it from her hand, put it in the cart and smiled as she moved to the tomatoes. Truth was he knew all about the lettuce, but seeing her confident like that was not something people in the er got to see everyday, and he figured she needed to feel important after a day like today's. So he played along.

"Now, tomatoes. These are a little tricky because you can't see the inside, and most of the time they are wrapped in plastic. But when you touch them, if they're hard, it means they're not done yet, if they're too soft, it means they're going bad..."

"What does it mean when there's a worm crawling out?" He interrupted her.

"Ew, let me see" She walked closer but he moved them away from her.

"Just kidding" he grinned.

"Very funny" She said "I take it you're done here, so next isle?"

"Let's go" Luka smiled, put the tomatoes on his cart and went after her. He came to a stop when he realized they were at the meat counter "Oh, no. This is why men don't go grocery shopping"

Abby turned around "This is the ultimate test, if you survive the meat counter, you are ready to do this alone for the rest of your life."

Luka looked at the men in white coats behind the counter in terror, "I don't think I can do it"

"Yes you can, come on. I'll walk you through it the first time. Take a deep breath, think of all the things you need, take a number, and make the order"

He did just as she said, looked at the different kinds of meet through the glass, and waited for his number to be called.

"26" a man called out.

He looked at his number, just to make sure, and approached the counter. "Yes, can I have 3 pounds of ground meet and 5 of chicken breasts?"

"With or without skin?" the man didn't even look up.

Luka stared at him, then at Abby, who gave him a reassuring expression "With?"

The butcher scribbled something on a piece of paper and gave it to him "Five minutes"

Luka smiled proudly and approached Abby, who added "Wow, you're good"

"I'm on a roll" he said excited "Let's go for some spices"

"Well, it's only five minutes, we should wait." She smiled to herself "This is great, I haven't done something like this in a long time"

He looked at her "Shopping?"

"No, just having fun with someone" She looked away, grabbed a scented candle and brought it to her nose.

"What about your friends?" He followed her with his eyes.

"I don't have many, or, any. Not good friends anyway. All of my friends in OB suddenly think that because I'm in med school, I'm too good to be one of them. The people I knew when I was married suddenly disappeared when they heard I got divorced, and in the er there's just no time to socialize, not for med students anyway." she vented.

"What about your family?" He asked.

"They live in Boston" She gave him a smile.

"Is that where you were born?" He threw in a bag of pretzels in the cart.

"Yeah. I came to Chicago to go to college and after I graduated from nursing school I got married. I guess it just made sense to stay here" She looked down.

He tried to find her eyes "Do you regret it?"

She took a deep breath "Sometimes..." thinking a little harder, "most of the time."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I know exactly how you feel" She gave him a confused look "I mean, about not having friends" He explained

"Actually that makes me feel sadder" they laughed.

"Hey buddy, you're meat's ready" the butcher called out.

Luka took the meat and put it in his cart "Well, we have fruit, vegetables, meat, milk, bottled water, soup" he held up a can of Campbell’s "and juice. What else?"

Abby looked into his cart "Um, you need... bread, eggs, some cereal, butter, and we can't leave without getting some ice cream."

He gasped "You read my mind" They kept walking down the isles, throwing things into the cart "So, can I ask you a personal question?"

"More personal than tomatoes?" she smiled at him while he laughed, "Shoot"

"Why did you get a divorce?" He looked at her while her facial expression changed, he immediately retrieved "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to"

"No, it's okay. Well, I guess we were very young when we got married. I know age has nothing to do with a failed marriage, but I have to admit I was a little blind back then. We were in college, and I always said to myself that once he graduated and got a professional job, he would change. But he didn't" she walked ahead of him.

He looked at the back of her head, not sure if the wound was still sore, "I'm sorry to hear that"

She turned around and began to walk backwards "Well, he didn't graduate, and he kept drinking and gambling." Her eyes drifted down "One day I came back from work early and I caught him in the shower with my so called best friend" she turned around again.

"Oh, Abby. I'm sorry" part of him regretted asking in the first place.

"It's ok" she said "I mean, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to" She put some bread in the cart "I guess what bothers me the most is the idea that only one person has fallen in love with me, and it didn't take him five minutes until he found someone better." she looked down "I guess I'm mostly disappointed in love... and scared it might happen again"

"Well, there's no guarantee that it won't. But just because it happened once, doesn't mean it's gonna happen again. That's why we take chances, and have a little faith in people, and love" His own response surprised him. Did he really believe that or was he just trying to make her feel better? She smiled and so did he "So how about that ice cream?"

Luka pulled up the car in front of his building and with the help of his doorman, got all the grocery bags into his apartment. Looking at his full refrigerator, he couldn't help but smile. And to think that a couple of hours ago this place was empty. After fixing himself a big sandwich, he moved to the couch where he turned on a television which hadn't been seen in a long time. He had never been a fan of American television, he just never understood why celebrities were idolized more than real heroes like policemen, firemen, hell, even doctors. Only in America, he though. His mind drifted to Abby. Of all the people in the er, the one he never though would spend an hour with him at the supermarket was her. But he actually enjoyed their time together, and now that he had begun to move on, he needed someone to share the ride with him. She could use a ride like that herself. The way she spoke about her marriage and her life, Luka knew that tone all too well. He had spent his life pretending everything was ok. Playing a make belief game in his mind where a fake smile reflected a healed heart. He knew now, he had lied to himself and the people near him about moving on. He wanted her to know this about her own life as well, and he was willing to help her make that transition.

Abby unlocked the door to her apartment and flicked the light switch on. A white cat immediately ran to her and began to walk through her legs. "Hi Rose, hey" She picked up the cat in her arms "Are you hungry? Yeah, lets get some dinner" After pouring some food into her cat's plate, she took a long shower, as if the water would drain away all her worries. After she got the news about her tuition, she hadn't felt hungry yet, so she decided to skip dinner and go straight to bed. As soon as her body hit the soft mattress, her cat joined her in bed. Before she turned the light off, she looked at a picture which had been sitting in her night table for a long time. A younger Abby and husband, dressed in a wedding gown and tuxedo, starred back at her. With the tip of her index finger, she traced the form of her ex husband's face. Taking a deep breath, she hid the picture in a drawer, and turned the light off, letting the darkness embrace her once more.