A Divine Intervention
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.
Even when the elevator doors closed, she could still hear him
singing. She wanted to go back down and sit there for a while, but shows like those were
better when you were either in the company of someone special, or having a drink... two
things she couldn't have at the moment. She could see his rejection coming a mile away,
she felt that way every time she came to this hotel. Somehow, though, he always opened the
door for her, always in the same mood, always as if he was thinking of something else. It
was weird, because usually he was the one to call her and ask her to come, or bring her
here straight from work. How do you feel unwelcome in a place where someone has invited
you?
This time he hadn't called, and he hadn't asked, and she hadn't
suggested it. Not that she was scared of catching him with someone else, that was a
million to one chance. She was the only person he only really talked to, other than the
usual discussions about patients and charts with the other doctors. She knew because she
spent all their time at work staring at him, hoping that he would all of a sudden smile,
or make a joke, or sneak behind her and kiss her neck. She had always found that having
low expectations always made life a little easier, but with Luka, any expectation was too
high.
The elevator let out a ding and she let out a sigh. She was still
wearing that insipid bride's maids dress which had caused her the humiliation of the
night. She stepped out, but leaned against the wall of the hallway for a moment. She felt
so confused tonight, the most confused she had ever felt in a long time. She knew that
look on Carter's face, and she knew that look he gave her when she asked the driver to
drop her off here. She didn't know just how big the attraction was, but she knew that she
couldn't toy with Carter. Then again, she couldn't toy with Luka either. She was close to
two people who were basically crumbled, and she felt like a can of bug spray, afraid she
might go off and finish any of them. Well, that analogy was probably a little cruel, but
along the lines of how she was feeling at the moment.
Just as she was about to turn around and go home, a door opened, but
she kept walking.
"Abby?"
She turned around with a smile when she heard his voice, feeling
foolish and embarrassed. "Hey," she said as if they were meeting on the street,
and surprised he didn't just let her walk away.
"What are you doing out here?" Luka asked, with a bowl on
his hand.
Abby immediately began to stammer. "Um, well, I, uh, I
was." She gave up, "Ugh."
Luka smiled and showed her the bowl, "Wanna get some ice?"
"Sure," Abby said.
Luka looked down at her, her black coat covering a pink
dress, "You look nice."
Abby curled her lip, a flashback of her first date crossing her mind.
"Thank you," she said, wondering why such a nice hotel would have an ice
machine.
Luka quickly found it and began to fill his bowl with ice, watching
as Abby looked around the empty hallway, and sensing something was different. His bowl
finally filled to the top, and he began to walk back with Abby in tow. "Did you have
a good time?"
Abby came back to life and followed him into his room,
"Yeah," she said and then wrinkled her forehead, "Actually, I really don't
know."
"How come?" Luka asked and set the bowl on the table.
"I had a close encounter with my ex husband and his latest
Barbie doll," she shook her head. "Actually, it's not important anymore."
She watched Luka the whole time, reading a journal and probably not even listening to her.
She sat on the bed and looked around, even though there was not much to see. It was so
cold outside, but in here it was warm, and even thought he was reading, it was very dark.
She had the tendency of opening windows and turning on lights, but every time she came
back, she found Luka in the darkness again.
She let out a sigh and stood up, literally just giving up.
"Anyway, you're busy with that. I just came to say good night."
Luka looked back at her and frowned, "You came all the way here
to say good night?"
"Well... I was in the neighborhood," she said, even though
she knew he was aware she was lying. "I, um, he's still singing downstairs."
"Yeah," Luka ran his hands through his hair, "I'm
sorry, Abby. I have all this stuff to read, and suddenly the Bishop has a doctor, I have
to..."
"That's ok," Abby interrupted him. "I have an early
shift tomorrow anyway, so." She nodded and then got her boost, "Good
night."
Luka saw her reach that door in record time, but before she was gone
he called out her name and gave her a kiss, probably to make up for not having time for
her. Just one kiss seemed like such a small thing to give her, but his state of mind
wouldn't allow for more.
She made a mental note to reach for the garbage can one of these days
and clean her locker. She had things in there that she was certain were beginning to come
to life on their own. Not today, though. Today she was so numb, she wasn't even tired
after all those patients she looked after, all the urine samples she had to run and all
the vomit she had to clean.
Someone walked into the room and suddenly the air changed. Only two
people made that happen, Luka and Kerry. But when she looked around she was surprised to
see it was Carter. He smiled at her as he never had before and walked to his locker.
"You just starting?" Abby asked as she put on her coat.
"Yeah. You just leaving?" he asked.
"Yup," Abby yelped. She nodded for a moment, and then threw
her bag over her shoulder. "Have fun," she said and walked out in a hurry. For a
moment, she heard Carter was about to call out her name, but she didn't want to hear
anything from anyone today. She shook her head at the thought that she only had two
friends in her life, and suddenly she was running away from them both. Well, not running
away technically, just trying to change things by not letting them happen.
A while later, Abby looked at the two architectures in front of her
in confusion. One was taller and bigger, the other smaller, but its doors were open. It
wasn't until she read an inscription which read "School of the Blessed
Sacrament" that she disregarded that option and walked towards the church. There was
a bulletin with the hours of operation, and since the doors were closed, she decided to go
out back; she had made it all the way here and there was no way she was turning back, not
while she was so desperate.
Inside, it was a church like all others; quiet, homey, a little
hollow. She knelt down and made the sign of the cross, and her eyes darted around. It had
been so long since she stepped into a church, probably a couple of days after she stopped
drinking. It was more of a revelation than a custom, since the last thing her mother did
was to take them to church when she was a kid.
A man dressed in white approached her calmly and slowly, "I'm
sorry, confessions won't start for another two hours."
Abby smiled, and repositioned her bag around her shoulder, "No.
Actually I was wondering if I could talk to Bishop Stewart? If he's working?"
The man looked around, delaying a decision he had made already.
"Well, he was feeling a little sick, so he's in his office taking some time. Is this
important? Could I help you?"
"That's ok, Mike," Bishop Stewart said as he entered the
scene. He reassured Mike with a look and smiled at Abby. "Is there something I can
help you with?"
Abby hesitated for a moment, and for a moment wanted to go home and
forget about all this, but something inside of her wouldn't let her. She smiled and
extended her hand, "We haven't met before, I'm Abby Lockhart, I work at County, in
the ER."
"Of course," Bishop Stewart said with a smile, having
remembered seeing her face around the hospital but never having met her officially.
"You're not here to read more test results, are you?"
Abby smiled, "No, actually. I was wondering if I could talk to
you about something important."
Bishop Stewart didn't feel too well, but once again he made his best
effort and guided Abby to sit in the front, him alongside her. "This important thing,
is it about you?"
Abby hugged her bag and looked at him, "Actually, it's about Dr.
Kovac," she said carefully.
Bishop Steward nodded and got comfortable in his seat, knowing this
would be a long chat.
Abby took a short breath, feeling a little nervous and uncomfortable
about talking about this with a stranger. "Well, um, Luka and I, well, we're sort
of... going out?" she stammered, trying to explain the weirdness of their affair.
Bishop Stewart raised his eyebrows, "Oh, he didn't mention
that."
Abby chuckled mirthlessly, "I'm not surprised." She took a
breath and continued, "Anyway, um, I know you met him recently but, um, just so you
know, he wasn't always like that."
"Like what?" the Bishop asked.
Abby suddenly didn't know how to explain herself, and what she was
trying to mean. "Uh, like, um, well... like he's always in a bad mood?" she
finally said and saw the Bishop nod in agreement and continued. "Well, I know you're
not a couples counselor, or a therapist, but I know he likes you. I mean, I've tried
everything, he won't talk to me, and every time I try, he changes the subject or walks
away, I-I..." she stopped there, not aware that this situation was affecting her so
much. She always assumed there would come a time in which Luka would just tell her he
couldn't do this anymore and send her on her merry way. But that time hadn't come yet, and
it seemed like it wasn't coming any time soon. How can two people go on like this for
nearly 4 months?
No, Luka wasn't always like that, and that was the only thing which
kept her a little hopeful. She felt the Bishop's hand on her back, his fingers feeling her
quick breathing and the fast pace of her heart.
"It's hard to not imagine him the way he is now," he said
slowly.
Abby smiled, "I know. But, he was such a gentleman, and so very
compassionate. He could say something really bad, but it always sounded like he was
praying, you know?" she said with a chuckle, the mere memory of the way Luka used to
be sending her to cloud nine.
"What happened?" the Bishop asked.
Abby's smiled vanished, and she looked down at her own fingers,
"Well, um, too many things, actually. Luka's had his share of bad experiences, but
he's the only one who knows just how bad. I mean, he has this tendency of keeping things
to himself." She let out a sigh and shook her head, "I care about Luka a lot,
and I can feel he's about to explode at any second... and I'm scared."
Bishop Stewart stared at her for a while. He didn't know why, but he
always pictured Luka as someone who was always alone. He had seen Luka and Abby talking,
actually, and the way they tangoed around. But since Luka said he wasn't seeing anybody,
he assumed they were just talking about patients or maybe two people who shared an
attraction.
He shifted on his seat again, "Is there something specific you
would like me to say to him?"
Abby shook her head, and those words made her feel like she was
betraying Luka. So she gathered her bag in her hands and stood up in a hurry, "Can,
can you please not tell him I came to see you? Please, he'd kill me," she said as if
she was running away from the law.
Bishop Stewart smiled and nodded. "We've never met."
Abby flushed, "I'm sorry, it's been so long since I was in
church, and I know that God must be really mad at me because, you see, all these bad
things keep happening. I know I should come at least twice a month, but, um, well, that's
not important. The thing is that, uh, it just seems like I'm asking for something, and I'm
not giving you something back, I-I..."
Bishop Stewart chuckled, "God is not a bank, he doesn't need a
pay back."
Abby smiled, "Thank you so much, you don't know how much this
means to me."
Bishop Stewart stood up with Abby's help and smiled, "Let's keep
our fingers crossed."
The next day came slowly, too slowly, Abby thought. She spent the
whole night tossing and turning, not answering her phone. Her machine had two messages,
one from Carter, another from Luka. Carter's sounded as if he called her everyday. Luka's
sounded as if the machine had caught him red handed and he couldn't just hang up.
The ER was busy, as usual, so she walked right into the lounge to get
ready. She couldn't wait for the day in which she could go back to med school, and she
didn't have to come to the hospital to do the same things she did the day before, and the
one before that.
"Abby, Chuny called in sick, we're short one nurse, can you
hurry it up?" Haleh said as she peeked her head in, and walked out after that.
"Yeah," Abby said and shook her head. She wondered how the
nurses would treat her again when she went back to med school, because they were sure
giving her a hard time now for even attempting.
"Hey, you're back," Dave grinned when he saw the Bishop
walk through the ER doors.
"Dave Malucci," the Bishop said as Dave helped him in.
"The celibacy challenged."
"Yeah," Dave chuckled. "Actually I like to think of it
as looking for that one, in everyone. Nothing wrong with going to Sam's Club just to taste
the samples, right?" he joked but the Bishop didn't laugh, and gave him a serious
look. "Uh, well, are you ok? Or are you just visiting?"
"Actually, I was kind of hoping Dr. Kovac would see me, if it's
all the same to you, Dave," the Bishop said.
"No problem," Dave said and helped him sit on the bed,
"I'll let him know you're here."
"Thank you," the Bishop said.
"Hey, Abby, can you prep this guy in exam one?" Dave asked
as she tossed Abby a chart in blank. "Thanks, babe."
"No, Da-" but before Abby could protest, Dave was gone. She
kissed her lunch break good bye and walked into exam one, and frowned when she saw the
Bishop there. "Hey," she greeted in surprise.
Bishop Stewart smiled, "Didn't expect to see me so soon?"
Abby smiled, "I didn't know the clergy worked so fast, kinda
like the mafia, huh?"
Bishop Stewart chuckled, "I'm afraid my health is what got me
here. But maybe I can kill two birds with one stone."
"I'm sorry to put you in this position. I mean, if you don't
wanna do it, that's ok. I realize that maybe I should be working on these things
myself," Abby said as she preped him.
"Well, sometimes we need an intervention," the Bishop said
and they exchanged smiles.
"Back so soon?" Luka smiled as he walked into the room.
Abby saw this as her cue and gave the chart to Luka, "Let me
know if you need me."
"Thanks, Abby," Luka watched her walk out and turned to the
Bishop, "Are you in any pain or out of your medication?"
"A little bit of both, I'm afraid," the Bishop said and
Luka quickly began to work. "I always admired nurses, that's what I call a real
calling," he commented casually.
"And yours isn't?" Luka said.
"Well yes, but we don't have to clean after patients all day
long," the Bishop smiled. He stared at Luka for a while, and then said casually,
"I thought you said you didn't like anyone."
Luka looked up, and then back at Abby through the crystal window. He
shook his head, "You lied to me first, now we're even."
The Bishop nodded, staring at Luka all the time, "She seems like
a nice girl."
"She is," Luka said, putting his stethoscope on the
Bishop's back and hearing his breathing.
"She must be," the Bishop said. "That young man has
been staring at her for a long time."
Luka looked back in time to see Abby working on the computer, and a
couple of feet away stood Carter, staring at the back of her head. He looked at this scene
for a while, and then went back to the father. "I have to order some x-rays and
tests, I'll be right back." He didn't wait for an answer before he walked out of the
room, as soon as he did so, he saw Carter go back to his chart. "Abby?" Luka saw
her looked back at him, "Can you order some x-rays and run these tests? It's all in
the chart."
"Sure," Abby said and grabbed the chart from him before
walking away.
"Carter, your patient is waiting for lab results in four,"
he ordered.
"Thanks," Carter said and walked away quickly, as if he had
been caught with his hand on the cookie jar.
"Dr. Kovac," Randi said as she approached him, looking at a
catalog. "If you were planning on surprising a man with a lingerie, which one of
these would you wanna be wearing?"
Luka gave her a weird look for a second, and then looked at the
catalog, "I'm afraid I don't look good in red, Randi."
"But I do, right?" Randi said, hopeful.
Luka shook his head, "Sure." He began to walk away but
Randi pulled him back.
"I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day and all, so maybe I should
go with the red. But then again, white would make it seem more like I am an innocent and
cute little angel, don't you think?" she asked.
Luka let out a sigh, "Well, Randi, I think relationships should
be built on honesty, so maybe you shouldn't wear the white one."
Randi bit her lip, "Yeah, well, I have to wait until he proposes
to his girlfriend to see him, so maybe the red can afford to get a little dirty without
being noticed," she said to herself.
Luka nodded, "Good luck with that." He patted her back and
walked away.
Valentine's Day, ugh. He had completely forgotten about that, even
though there were decorations everywhere and every single female was talking about it. All
minus Abby, though. He hadn't heard her say anything about Valentine's Day, not even seen
her eat chocolate. He could understand why too. She was probably not expecting him to even
remember what day it was, which was proven truth. Maybe he could at least get her a rose?
Some chocolate? Something to at least let her know he thought of her?
This was so ridiculous. It was like one of those movies in which one
partner falls into the river where there's a huge deadly waterfall ahead and the other has
to save him in time. He was trying to reach out to Abby but his rope wasn't long enough.
The hardest part was that Abby was reaching out to him with all her being, and every time
she got a hold of the rope, something pulled him back, and she would have to fight harder.
He could literally feel her slipping away, going down the waterfall to God knows what was
waiting for her at the bottom. Probably jagged rocks; probably another man; probably
Carter.
"The lab is a little backed up, they'll call back when they're
ready," Abby said when she saw him walk by.
Luka looked back in time to see her walk away, so he followed,
"Abby?" he called out and saw her turn around. "What are you doing tomorrow
night?"
Abby seemed a little surprised, and she raised her eyebrows,
"Um, nothing, why?"
Luka looked around to make sure Kerry wasn't near, and he guided her
to a corner to make sure the nurses wouldn't post their conversation in the hospital web
site. "I, I was thinking, since it's Valentine's Day... maybe you'd like to have
dinner with me?" he asked hesitantly, as if he was asking a stranger.
Abby smiled, that Bishop really knew how to work magic. She didn't
hesitate, "Yeah, of course."
"Great," Luka said quickly.
"Where are we going?" Abby asked.
Uh oh. Luka scanned through his mind quickly, say something,
anything! "I don't know," ouch.
Abby smiled, "Well, I assume all the restaurants are booked
already, so, maybe I can make dinner?"
Luka nodded. That was an option, but he actually wanted to do
something for her, not the other way around. He smiled, "I'll cook, you lend me your
kitchen. I think I might remember something my mother used to make."
"Ok," Abby smiled and walked away.
Luka was actually getting a little excited about this. It had been so
long since he had someone on Valentine's Day, that he was beginning to forget what it was
all about in the first place.
He rounded the corner and saw the Bishop putting his coat on, so he
walked into the room in a hurry, "Where are you going?"
"Confessions are about to start, I have to be there,"
Bishop Stewart said calmly as he put on his coat.
"Your test results aren't back yet," Luka said firmly.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Kovac, I don't have time to wait."The
Bishop picked up his bag and turned to Luka. "If there's anything serious, even more
serious, you know where to find me."
Luka saw her walk out and shook his head. Lately he couldn't even
control his patients, how would he control his own life?
A banana? When did she eat a banana? She knew her tweezers had to be
somewhere.
"Spring cleaning your locker?" Carter asked as he walked
in.
Abby looked back, threw the banana peel on the garbage can, and went
back to her locker. "Yeah, it's really starting to smell."
"So that's what caused that seizure the other day," he
tried to joke.
"Ha ha," Abby said sarcastically.
Carter leaned on the locker next to hers, "So, any big plans for
tonight?"
Abby looked at him and smiled, "Yes, actually. Um," she
looked up at him, not sure she should be telling him this of all people, "Luka and I
are having dinner," she then said quickly.
"Oh," Carter said casually.
"Yeah," Abby added, throwing some more things into the
garbage can. She looked at him again, "Do you have any plans?"
Carter blinked back to life and looked at her, "Uh, I might,
this, um, patient asked me out."
"That's good," Abby said in a high note, not aware she
would be so relieved to hear something like that from Carter.
"Yeah. She's cute, I might go," Carter said, looking at the
coffee on his cup.
"You should," Abby said. She finally threw the last rotten
item in the trash and pushed it away. "Well, I am going home, because I've been
working all night, and I wanna take a nap."
"Yeah, you don't wanna pass out on your dinner plate,"
Carter said.
"Yeah," Abby said as she threw her bag over her shoulder,
"Have a nice shift."
"Have fun tonight," Carter added as he saw her leave.
"Thanks."
Luka looked around the room, making the inventory again. He had the
roses, the grocery items, the chocolates, the alcohol free wine, and his clothes. There
seemed to be something missing. Music maybe? Well, Abby had that. Still, there seemed to
be something that's just not there. He stood in front of his bed, looking at all the items
one by one when the phone rang.
"Luka Kovac?" He listened intensely, "What?... Where
is he?... Why didn't you call 911?... No... Alright, don't do anything, I'll be right
there." He hung up the phone quickly and walked out of his room.
He found a mass of people gathered in a circle, and he pushed his way
to find the Bishop on the ground and surrounded by members of the church. "What
happened?" Luka asked as he kelt down with his first aid kit on his hands.
"He just collapsed and it looks like he's having trouble
breathing," one of them said.
Luka heard the Bishop's lungs and looked up, "Why didn't you
take him to the hospital."
"He doesn't want to go, he says he wants to die here," the
same man said.
Luka stared at the Bishop, who looked like he couldn't say a word and
then up at all the men around him, "Do you have a bed?"
"Upstairs."
"Let's get him there," Luka said. With a little difficulty
and a lot of delicacy, they made their way up and settled the Bishop on an old bed. Luka
sat in front of him, staring at that peaceful face.
The Bishop opened his eyes and looked at Luka, "You're not
taking me to the hospital, are you?" he said softly.
Luka pressed his lips together, "I don't think you are going to
die tonight."
The Bishop smiled, "Too bad. I am ready now, I don't know if
I'll be tomorrow."
"Well I don't think you'll die tomorrow either," Luka
smiled.
Bishop Stewart looked at Luka and out the window, the moon
illuminating the small room. "To tell you the truth, I don't think this church is
ready to keep going without me."
"There's more than enough men around here to worry about
that," Luka added.
"Yeah, well," the Bishop said. "I've been in charge
for 30 years, you tend to get stubborn about it."
Luka chuckled, and glanced at his watch only to look at the Bishop
again.
"Have somewhere to be?" he asked as he could read Luka's
thoughts.
Luka took a deep breath, looking at the wall in front of him for a
moment, "A little."
"A little?"
Luka smiled, "It can wait."
"You said I wasn't going to die tonight," Bishop Stewart
said.
"Yeah, I did," Luka said. Truth was that he didn't want to
leave the Bishop. There was something so soothing and calmed about being around this man.
He didn't know what it was, but he always found it a little hard to say good bye.
"You're wasting your time here, go home," the Bishop said
and gave Luka a knowing look.
It was always hard to say good bye to the Bishop, even when Luka knew
he would see him again. He drove for a while, not knowing where he was going, not even
remembering where he had to be. Well, he knew, but once again felt like his presence at
Abby's would do her more harm than pleasure. He had been having that effect on people
lately.
Another glance at his watch slapped him in the face, though. It was
late, too late for dinner or anything else. He had been driving for so many hours, he
couldn't even recognize the area anymore. He often wanted to avoid bad things so much, and
the avoidance made it twice as bad. So he turned his car around and drove back to the
city, knowing he had screwed up again and would now have to attempt to fix it, even though
he would most likely make it worse.
He cursed at himself all the way up her stairs, and when he got
there, he was no where as chastised as he thought he should be. For a moment, he
considered just turning around and going home, but he had been running away for too long
and from too many things. This was something he would have to fix this time.
He knocked on her door hesitantly, and after a few seconds which
seemed like hours, Abby opened the door slowly and leaned her cheek into it. Luka looked
down at her, and noticed she looked like she had been crying, or rubbing her eyes, with
needles. She was still wearing a dress she most likely bought that day, but her feet were
bare. He felt like the smallest man on earth, and like there was no way he could explain
himself. "Abby," he saw her lower her stare at that, and he let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry, there was this emergency, and I had to go take care of the
Bishop..."
Abby left the door open and walked into the apartment, giving him the
option of either going away or walking in. She felt like there was nothing that could make
her more disappointed, mad, or even sad, so having him there would not be a torture. She
sat on the couch, soft music playing in the background, and she hugged one of her cushions
as she stared at a glass of juice in front of her.
She heard the door closing, which meant Luka either came in or left.
But then she heard his steps approaching the couch, so she closed her eyes and looked to
the window. Luka saw this and couldn't decipher what it meant, so he stood there, with his
hands on his hips. There were burned candles on the table, which was covered in a white
mantle. After a moment, he sat on the couch next to her, looking at his own hands. Abby
didn't move, it didn't even seem like she was breathing, just remained there while hugging
the cushion.
Luka reached his hand and put it on her shoulder, trying not to
violate her personal space but wanting to enter it. "Abby, I'm sorry," he
repeated in a low tone. She moved at that, but only to lower her head and rub the sides of
her nose. "I couldn't call, I'm sorry," Luka added, louder this time.
Abby shook her head, looking down. For the first time in months she
was actually excited about the idea that Luka might be interested in doing something to
save their relationship, but once again, he had built her up to let her down.
"Luka," she said softly, most like a whisper.
Luka was scared, and nervous. He was aware he had done things before
to disappoint her, but he had never been around to see her reaction. He knew he would
never win the Best Boyfriend award, but he didn't know just how much damage he was doing,
until he saw her open that door tonight. He had never behaved like this towards someone he
considered his girlfriend, so he didn't know if he should say something or let her throw a
plate at him. So he decided to give her the floor, let her say what was on her mind, and
just listen, or try.
Abby brought her hand up to rub her forehead, but it looked more like
she was trying to cover her face. "Luka, if you don't wanna be with me, why can't you
just tell me?" she said all of a sudden, traces of rage and hurt in the tone of her
voice.
Luka closed his eyes and shook his head, "Abby, I told you I
couldn't call," he tried to defend himself.
"This is not about tonight!" Abby exclaimed, letting the
rage take over. "This is not something that happened tonight, this is something that
happens every night!"
Luka bit his lip, aware of what she was referring to, but he had
never wanted to think about it, let alone deal with it. But it seemed like tonight, the
most romantic night of the year, he would be losing another person. "I know," he
let out in a soft whisper.
Abby turned around to face him, "You know, I go to bed every
night thinking, well, maybe tomorrow he'll wake up and at least acknowledge me, or tell me
something nice, maybe even hold my hand while we walk. But every day we wake up and it
just seems like you don't give a shit! So then I go to bed thinking, well, maybe he had a
bad day at work, maybe tomorrow will be different, but it's not! Luka!" she yelled at
him, but at the same time not wanting to sound like she was mad, but mostly hurt. She
wasn't sure he got that message.
Luka saw her only through his peripheral vision, her eyes teary and
her voice cracking as if she was losing it. He didn't know what to say, because he felt
like he had no excuse. He felt like throwing the towel, giving her the reason and end yet
another relationship. For some reason, though, he repositioned his rope and threw it at
her again.
"Abby," he started but didn't know how to continue, so he
took a deep breath. "I know. I know that I hurt you and I know that you deserve
better."
"Don't, give me that speech," Abby interrupted him, shaking
her hand.
"I'm not, listen to me," Luka said, looking at her. He was
actually expecting her to dump him, and saw it coming as well, but he wasn't sure he was
ready to let go just yet, not tonight. He knew that even if the relationship was over,
they would have to talk, and to talk about their problems, they would have to talk
about... everything. "I know that I haven't been the same, since that day," he
said, his words forced. She looked at him at that, her eyes red.
"That was the last thing I was expecting to happen, and I'm
sorry I ruined everything." He felt his emotional explosion coming, and he knew the
only way he could control himself was by holding on to someone. But he knew Abby would not
let him hold her, so he did his best to try and keep himself from breaking down.
"You don't have to explain, Luka, save your saliva," Abby
said and stood up. "Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what's going on."
"What is going on?" Luka asked firmly, trying to
proceed that way.
Abby looked back as she unset the table, "Don't play stupid,
Luka. You really don't wear it well."
Luka stood up and followed her into the kitchen, "No, really,
Abby. I'm listening now, what do you have to say?"
"Don't turn this around and dip it on me!" Abby yelled at
him.
Luka leaned against the counter and rubbed his eyes, feeling the
headache pounding on his temples and listening to her clean around the kitchen, although
it was obviously not necessary.
Abby put a plate on the sink and looked at him, and then down at the
dishes. After a long silence, she decided to say something, "You don't have to hang
around if you don't want to. People get tired of sex, it's normal."
"What?" Luka said as he looked up at her. "You think
this is what it's all about?"
"Isn't it?" Abby asked, looking up at him, and stopping the
cleaning.
Luka shook his head, trying to say
something, feeling like he was in a play or an improvisation. He was acting, and he knew
that he wouldn't achieve anything by playing stupid, as she said. "No, it's
not," he said firmly.
Abby shook her head and a sarcastic smile
appeared on her face as she went back to cleaning the sink. Luka could be a big pain in
the ass when he wanted to, which was often lately. "So, is this the way you normally
treat your girlfriends? Hm? Because I've heard about European men being traditional, but
this is ridiculous," she said as she scrubbed.
Luka shook his head and rolled his eyes
while they were closed, she sounded like his late wife when they used to fight. "No,
it's not."
Luka let out a sigh and looked at her,
"I also know what it's like to have no one in your life, Abby, I know about that too
much. I also know what it's like being at the bottom because that's where I am right now.
I've done everything I can to keep you away from all that but I keep dragging you in, and
that's what I'm trying to avoid," he stressed. "I'm sorry."
Abby looked like she wasn't listening, and
she just stopped what she was doing and walked back into the living room, and sat on the
couch. Luka followed and sat next to her, anticipation for what she was about to say
eating him inside.
She finally looked at him, "It's too
hard, Luka. When I stopped drinking I thought I'd never go through something as bad and I
was wrong. I care about you too much, but I can't keep torturing myself."
Luka dropped his head, this was it.
"Abby, please," he pleaded.
Abby shook her head again, and felt her
eyes burning but she wouldn't let them cry. She looked at him, "What do you wanna
do?"
Luka looked up at her, a little stream of
hope flashing through his eyes for a second, then it was gone when he realized he had no
idea what he wanted to do. He had been holding on to Abby for months, and the idea of not
having her next to him at night, particularly at this moment, was unacceptable. He knew it
wasn't healthy to do that, but he wasn't ready to go cold turkey. He didn't know what
would happen to them in the future, if he would change or if all would be mended, but he
didn't want to let her fall, not yet. "I want to be with you," he said softly as
if not to upset her.
"Why?" Abby asked.
Luka could feel her pushing him against the
wall, and it was making him lose his breath. This was like a job interview, those in which
no matter what you said, it was never the right answer. He wanted to be honest, because
they weren't in a position in which they could afford trickery or make belief games
anymore. But at the same time he felt like he needed to gamble a little bit of himself. If
he told her something he felt he could guarantee, even if it wasn't true at the moment, he
would have to make sure he kept his promise. But how would he do that? Would he go to
therapy for this woman? Would he let go of the past and try anew? That was the road less
traveled, one he had ignored too often.
"Because... I think I can make it
better," he said in short breaths, hearing his own headache.
Abby remained quiet for a moment, wanting
to question him even further. She decided not to do it that way, though. "Luka,"
she looked at him, "I'm not asking you for commitment, or marriage, or kids... I
just," she let out a sigh, "I just want to feel like you are here." She saw
him look up at her, "And you can't do that at the moment, or at least not with
me."
Luka shook his head, "Abby, you're the
only person I am here for. I can't talk to anyone, but I talk to you. I know you care
about me because you're the only person who even notices when something's wrong, and
you're the only one who asks." He raised his hand to touch her face, "I know
that if I need you you'll be here for me and I love you for that..."
"Please don't say that word if you
don't mean it," Abby interrupted him and pulled her head away.
"Sorry," Luka backpedaled. He
looked at her after lowering his stare, "I know I don't deserve any of this, but if
you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"I don't blame you for anything,
Luka!" Abby bolted from her seat. She suddenly felt like it was futile, they were
just walking around in circles and not getting anywhere.
"I know," Luka said, grateful for
that.
Abby let out a sigh and put her hands on
her hips, "I know more than anyone that relationships aren't easy, but they're
impossible when there's only one person working, Luka."
Luka stood up, about to say something else
but stopped when Abby put her hand on his chest.
"You don't know what you want, Luka.
Just... stay away from me so you wan figure that out," Abby said.
"And you think you know what I
want?" Luka asked, feeling a little angry that she was making decisions for him.
"You don't, Abby. I might not be myself right now but I still know who I am, and I
know what I want." He let the silence come for a moment, and then looked at the top
of her head while letting out a sigh, "And I know that if we take a break you'll
never come back"
Abby looked up and wrinkled her forehead.
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you," Luka said and
saw her look back down. He gave up too. "I don't want to take a break, but if you
don't think you can hang on to me for a little longer, then it's up to you. I don't call
you because I need to, Abby. I don't talk to you because I'm bored and I don't come and
see you because I feel lonely. I do all that because I need you now." He waited for
her answer but got none, so he took a wrinkled Valentine's Day card and put it on the
table in the middle of her living room. He was about to touch her or kiss her, but just
rubbed her arm, "Good night."
Abby shook her head as he walked out,
looking at the card on the table. She let out a sigh but didn't open it, only stood there,
staring at it. Ever since she was little, she always wondered just why bug flew against
light bulbs over and over and over again. She read in a book that they were attracted to
the light, but why did they have to slam their heads against the crystal over and over?
Why did they hurt themselves?
She knew now. It was still something she
was sure she would never find in a book. She knew the bugs probably benefited from the
light but she wasn't sure the light benefited from the bugs, or maybe there was some other
connection she wasn't aware of.
She rubbed her temples for a
while, and after a couple of minutes, she walked over to the door. She was going to lock
it, but instead open it and walked straight into Luka. She felt his hands on her back and
around her, and she leaned her head into him, listening to his heart beating. She
remembered talking to the Bishop and this was certainly not the way she thought he would
handle it. She didn't have much hope to begin with but now she would have to add fright on
top of that. She was hopeful before, but now she was only scared of what might happen to
her and them after this little ride Luka had asked her to join him in.
The End
