Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.

About the story: This is set around April of this season, and is pure
speculation, or wishful thinking, pick your favorite.



  "Hidden In Plain View" by Carolina


  I love the smell of coffee in the morning. There's nothing like
feeling the scent all around you as you lay in bed and your eyes are
not even open yet. It's one of the things I hate about living alone. I
haven't been able to train my cat to make coffee yet, so the task
always falls in my hands. I love it nonetheless. Coffee is my drug, my
addiction. It's my best friend, always there to calm me down when
things are getting out of control.

  But coffee is also my enemy. When I can't get my hands on it, the
world starts spinning faster and faster until everything is out of
control. I always wondered if that was the way Chloe felt when she
gave up drugs. I guess I'll never know.

  There is something wonderfully disturbing about April. The weather
is wonderful outside, yet the ER is filled with injured kids,
overzealous college students, and do-it-yourself husbands. Everyone
desperately goes out into the sun, but no one seems to think straight.

  I try to ignore the crowd gathering in chairs and walk straight into
the lounge. "Hi, Abby," I greet with a smile as I walk towards my
locker.

  She looks back at me, as if she couldn't recognize my voice, and
half smiles. "Morning."

  There's an uncomfortable silence between us as I turn the dial of my
lock and I look her way slightly, trying to appear casual. "Let's see
how much puke I can get on my shirt today," I say sarcastically,
trying to diffuse the slight tension with humor.

  She stays quiet for a moment and then closes her locker door. "They
say if you get it on your right breast, it's money. So good luck," she
joins in the sarcasm and I allow myself to chuckle.

  We have a playful rivalry I enjoy, Abby and I. At first it was
uncomfortable and I just couldn't stand being around her. She was
always so serious, always defensive about the slightest thing. But
over the months the tension has eased and in it's place there is a
growing friendship, or so I hope. When Carol was around, I never
realized just how many men worked in this hospital. Sometimes I feel
like talking to a woman, just changing into my pajamas, getting the
tub of ice cream, and do some good soul cleansing girl talk. Abby
seems like the best candidate around here. I don't know if she feels
the same way I do, but someday, I would love it if we could be
friends.

  But for now, everyone in the ER seems to be going through some kind
of transition and I am still trying to figure out just where I fit.

  "See you around," I hear Abby say before she disappears. From the
outside, I hear as Kerry yells something about being late and because
of her loud voice, the whole ER goes quiet for a couple of seconds.
Suddenly I'm glad to know some things never change. The door opens
again and I look over, scared Kerry is going to yell at me for being
early and not getting to work, but my lips smile, my body eases, and
my head clears when I see Carter there.

  "Morning," I say, keeping my eyes on him for a moment and getting
back to my locker. He looks scolded, and then smiles brightly when he
sees me.

  "Stay away from Weaver today," he warns me as he takes his jacket
off and starts getting ready.

  I smile, looking down at my own shoes. I don't know what is wrong
with me. On the train ride over, all I kept thinking was how I would
react when I saw Mark. Mark kidnapped my thoughts as I got into that
cab, and Mark was the reason my hands were shaking as I walked into
the ER. The last time I saw him, he said he loved me. The last thing I
made sure was that I returned that love. I knew he was married, but I
didn't know what my reaction would be when I saw him.

  And then all of a sudden I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw
Carter. It was a feeling I still cannot explain. The Carter I
remembered was a cute little puppy who had a crush on me on his first
year. The Carter I remembered was like a little boy who tries to hard
to be a man. The Carter I remembered was a med student, and for some
stupid reason I convinced myself that I would find him that way. And
boy was I wrong.

  Carter, a man. I still have trouble adjusting to that idea. Well, he
was always a man, but now he's... a man. He's a man and when I'm
around him, I'm a woman. I find myself thinking about that kiss almost
eight years ago more than often. More than often, I find myself
staring at him when I know he's not looking. More than often, I've
walked into the supply room when he's there, and suddenly the
temperature rises and I find it hard to breathe. I know it's not love.
I can't possible love him. But I am scared that love can be a
possibility. According to the nurses, he has been looking my way also,
according to the nurses. I can feel it when we talk, how he looks at
me in the eyes and his cheeks turn a little red. Sometimes we're
quietly working on charts when all of a sudden he breaks the silence
just to tell me that he missed me while I was gone.

  Sometimes it's too much for me to handle. Sometimes I want to tell
him that we should stop playing teenagers and behave like adults, and
realize this was just a game. But I can't bring myself to believe that
either. Part of me wants to turn him down as I did back when he was a
med student. But a stronger part of me won't allow it, actually yearns
for it. I tried to look the other way, see what I could find. Mark is
married and I have never been one to break up that sanctity. Dr.
Romano... no. Dr. Kovac was my best option, but first he was dating
Nicole, and then the nurses warned me about his rendezvous with Abby.
Peter... we hardly even got along. So that just left my hands reaching
for nothing, the room empty, and the presence of Carter. And then I
look at myself in the mirror and say to my own image, "Susan Lewis,
you are a fool."

  "Hey, do you wanna have lunch later?"

  My reverie is broken down to pieces and I look over at him,
processing what he had just said. This happens often, and all kinds of
sirens start blaring in my head. Voices keep telling me to say no,
that this just could not happen, that Carter was still a med student
and a romantic relationship with him would be forbidden. But it was
futile. The more I fought it, the more it would consume me whole.

  "Yeah, sure," I say as I nod and watch as he puts his stethoscope
around his neck.

  "I'll find you," he smiles warmly and I watch as he leaves.

  Letting out a sigh, I rest my head against my locker and stare at
the ceiling. What am I doing? Why is this happening? Why can't I stop
it? Clearing my mind of such thoughts by shaking my head, I walk out
just as Weaver comes charging towards me.

~*~

  I hate April Fools. I hate it because someone always plays a joke on
me and like an idiot, I fall for it. Today way too many pranks have
gone too far, and it seems like every five minutes a kid comes in with
his hands glued to his head. This whole "holiday" should be banned.

  Today I have been electrocuted by an electric pen, have been fooled
by fake patients, have slipped on fake urine, and my pens keep
disappearing and reappearing. Needless to say, today I'm not even
trusting myself.

  I sit down on the bench outside the ER and let out a sigh. From the
distance I can see Malik and Luka playing basketball. Doctors are
coming in and out of Doc Magoos and all of a sudden I get the feeling
I'm not alone.

  "Sorry about lunch, I had a trauma," Carter says as he smiles
warmly, looking adoringly guilty.

  "Don't worry about it," I say with a slight chuckle. And then there
it is. There's that energy. All of a sudden we're not Carter and
Susan, we're a couple of teenagers. I keep begging myself to stop
this, but, oh, it just feels so good. I look over at him and smile,
and my cheeks must have been burning red, because he lets out a laugh,
looking forward.

  "What?" I ask like a damn fool.

  "Nothing," he says, shaking his head and looking down.

  I frown a little and touch my face. "What, did someone do something
to my face?"

  He looks at me and shakes his head, and I let it go. He looks at my
lap. "What happened to your hand?"

  I look at my partially black hand and let out a sigh of frustration.
"Someone thought it would be funny to give me a joke pen."

  He chuckles and nods. "Just be glad Malucci is not here."

  "Who?" I ask and watch him shake his head quickly. There's a little
silence between us and then all of a sudden he grabs my black hand. My
heart starts to beat faster. Oh God. Why is this happening to me? Why
Carter and not someone else? Someone else I can handle. I had to fight
hard back when he was a student to contain myself. But that is the
problem now, he's not a med student anymore. I don't have any excuses.
I can't tell him it is against the rules. There are no rules and we
can do whatever we want. Everyone in the ER is having a field trip
over this and I cannot seem to stop it.

  He plays with my fingers, trying to rub the ink away with his thumb.
I turn towards him completely decisively. "Carter," I started but then
he looks at me with shiny brown eyes. The world continues around us
but not for me, all of a sudden he leans in, and I can see myself
pushing him away only in reality I'm not. In reality, I'm leaning in.
Oh God, I'm leaning in. Stop, stop, stop, stop!!

  I can feel his warm lips against mine, and all of a sudden sirens
blare off. No, really, there's an ambulance pulling in. I jump back
and he jumps back and then Doris is yelling at us. I made sure my legs
were strong before I stood up, and then all of a sudden, I have no
idea where the hell I am.

~*~

  There is an incredibly large man staring at me, only he is dead, and
his arteries are so clogged, his heart practically exploded. I hear
nothing as I keep staring at his face, wondering if his mind was as
scrambled as mine when he went into arrest.

  "I'll talk to his wife," I heard Carter say and then the doors slap
against each other as he walks out.

  I let out a sigh and when I look to my side, Chuny is smiling like a
school girl who just saw her first penis. "What?" I ask, and then she
covered the man with a blue sheet.

  Her wicked smile remains, and she looks up at me with playful eyes.
"Little birdie told me something."

  I hate those games. "Little birdies should mind their own business?"
I say, knowing I'm coming a little hard on her, but Chuny never cares.

  She smiles fully, leaning her hands against the big guy's stomach.
"I saw you outside."

  My stomach turned, my arms went numb, and my heart fell. "Oh God,
Chuny, you can't tell anyone," I plead, knowing it's probably too
late.

  Sure enough, I watch as her face turns guilty.

  "Oh, God," I drop my head and let out a sigh, wishing I could
disappear.

  Chuny laughs and touches my arm reassuringly. "Don't worry about it,
we saw it coming."

  "Who? Who saw it coming?" I asked as my head jerks up, paranoia
running through my veins.

  "We," Chuny said refering to her secret nurse club. She smiles,
making me feel better, and began to clean the room. "It's ok. It's
nice to see him like that after everything that happened."

  I start unplugging machines and without looking at her ask, "Yeah
that... stabbing." The mere mention of it gives me goose bumps. When I
asked Carter about his bad back, he told me everything, and somehow
it's still unbelievable. I don't like to think about it that much
because it actually makes me nauseous.

  "Yeah, and what came after," Chuny adds.

  Curiosity extends its hand to confusion and they dance inside my
head as I look back at her. "What came after?"

  Chuny throws some gloves on the bin and turns towards me. "The
addiction?"

  My heart stops. What? Are we still talking about Carter? "Ad...
addiction?" my voice stammers. All of a sudden my whole body eases and
I let out a sigh of relief. "Right, April Fool! You got me," I chuckle
as I walk towards the door.

  "Um, no. You didn't know?" Chuny adds.

  I turn around to face her, this time in fear and doubt. I smile
somewhat, but it's nervous and crooked. "Chuny," I chuckle uneasily.
"This is Carter."

  "Pain killers," Chuny says, and my heart stops beating for what
seems like the 15th time that day. "It was pretty bad. He had to go to
a rehab center in Atlanta for 3 months. He almost lost his job."

  I'm sure my face is plain white. I somehow leaned against the wall
next to the doors, staring straight ahead, not knowing what to say,
what to think. My mouth opens, only no words come out.

  "I'm sorry, I thought you knew," she apologizes and walks out.

  I am left alone in a room where a man's arteries are still clogged.
I still can't believe it. The words are inside my head only I cannot
understand their meaning. No. No. This is probably another April Fool
joke. He said it was hard. He said he was in pain for a long time. But
he never said he had... he never said anything. He never... oh my God.
Chloe suddenly comes to mind. I want to run away, but I can't. I wanna
know why my body wants to succumb to gravity, only I am too confused,
shocked, and overwhelmed to even move.
 
  All of a sudden a hysterical woman comes in and runs over to her
husband's side, falling on top of him as tears ran down her face, but
it doesn't unclog his arteries. The door remains open and I look to
the side. Carter is staring at the woman, and all of a sudden he looks
at me. He stares at me and I stare at him and this time none of us
blush. My serious stare remains until my legs take me out of the room.
I heard him call my name, but I never turned around.

~*~

  The rest of the day I made sure I had more than one chart on my arms
to keep myself busy, and out of his way. I looked at him when he was
busy. He looked at me when I was busy. He asked what was wrong; I
tried to tell him everything was great. He didn't believe me. I didn't
believe myself. As more and more patients come in the only thing I can
think is how dare he. I felt betrayed, and hurt. I wanted to go home
more than anything and my wish was granted when the clock announced it
was six o'clock.

  I grab my bag and jacket out of my locker quickly and walked out.
Suddenly I didn't know where to go. I don't know my position in this
universe anymore. I want to find Chuny. I need to know if this is
true. I need to put my mind to an easy. I desperately need for her to
tell me she was lying.

  I walk back into the ER, but could not locate her anywhere. Looked
through the trauma rooms, but everyone seems to be dying today. I look
inside the suture room, but Luka and Abby are having some sort of
fight. I look inside the lounge, and quickly walk out when I saw
Carter there, getting ready to go home.

  As I walk into the evening, I hear him call my name. I know I am
making too much of a fuss over this, so I turn around and attempt to
smile, only I can't look at him in the eyes.

  "Are you mad at me?" he asks as he tries to touch my arm, but I
somewhat jump away from his fingers.

  "No," I said quickly, trying to sound casual.

  He looks confused and all of a sudden I'm walking away from him, but
he follows.

  "Look, I'm sorry about the kiss," he apologizes. "I didn't mean to
scare you or rush you into anything."

   "I know," I said, quickening my pace.

  "So why are you upset?"

  Why am I upset? He's not my boyfriend. He's not my husband. Our lips
barely touched. But he's supposed to be my friend. All of a sudden the
one who was stabbed in the back was me.

  I stop walking, and turn to face him. My heart wanted out of my
chest and my toes were numb. "What happened when you were stabbed?" I
ask in a somewhat accusatory way.

  He smiles a little, and shakes his head in confusion. "I told you
already."

  I have to contain myself for a moment by looking around. My face
remains down, but my eyes look up at him. "Everything?"

  He turns serious. He knows I know, and I know he knows I know.
Chloe. I can't get her out of my mind. I can't forget about those
years of torture and frustration. I can't forget about her various
relapses and her empty promises. I can't go through that again. I
can't.

  He puts his hands inside his pockets and looks down. "Who told you?"

  "Word gets around," I say, protecting Chuny. "Why didn't you tell
me?"

  He remains quiet, looking like a little boy who is in trouble. Part
of me wants to rock him in my arms until this nightmare is over; part
of me hates him.

  We are standing in the middle of the side walk and people are
walking all around us. But somehow it seems as if we're all alone. He
still doesn't look at me. "Carter," I have to remind him that I'm
still there.

  "I, um," he starts, and I know he doesn't know what to say himself.
"I was scared, Susan."

  His tone of voice and choice of words were enough to bring a knot to
my throat. I have to take a deep breath or I'll break down.

  He looks up at me, no longer smiling. "I... it's not an easy thing
to say."

  "You should have told me," I reiterate, my eyes pleading with his.

  "I know," he says. He chuckles mirthlessly and looks up at the sky.
"I- I know. Or, I know I had to tell you sooner or later."

  My hand rests on my forehead and my eyes close. This is too much for
me to handle. Earlier that day I was trying to hold myself back
because the thought of Carter being a man was too much for me to take.
And now I have this to add to the pile. The worst part is that what I
want more than anything at this moment is to kiss him. I want to kiss
him and fall into his arms and tell him it doesn't matter to me. That
everything he did in the past remains in the past and I take him for
who he is. But Chloe. If Carter ever relapses, I don't know if I could
handle it. It's too much pain for me to endure.

  He touches my jacket with his finger, and I know he's hurting as
much as I'm hurting. "I'm sorry."

  I look down at his hand and grab one of his fingers with my own. And
then like a lightning strike, I jump back and tears threaten to jump
out of my eyes, but I hold them back. My head is low and so is my
voice. "You didn't do anything wrong," I tell him, half believing that
myself. But we're both in pain because of me, because of my
insecurities and fears.

  I look around, because I know that if I look at his face, I'll start
crying. "It's my fault," I say, holding on to my bag much tighter. I
need time. I need space. I need to breathe. I need Chloe to keep her
promises. I need Chloe to stop taking drugs. I need Chloe to stop
breaking my heart over and over.

  "Susan," he pleads as he walks towards me, but I can't let him reach
me.

  "I... I c... can't, I, c... cant," I stammer and all of a sudden I'm
walking away, and the tears gathering in my eyes are dried away by the
wind. I hear him call my name. I can hear my heart beating faster and
faster and it doesn't stop until I reach my apartment. Throwing
everything to the floor, I climb into bed, shoes and all, and let
everything out.

  Why is this bothering me so much? Why am I crying over this? Why
does it hurt? I probably know why, and I probably can't bring myself
to accept it. It is the story of my life. Most of my dreams and
aspirations are sabotaged by myself.

  But I'm scared. My heart keeps chastising me for letting this get in
the way, but my mind reminds me of the many ways I can get hurt, the
many ways I'll hurt John. John. I don't have the right to call him by
his first name anymore. Why does he have to be so sweet? Why does he
have to be so understanding? Why does he have to be so perfect? Why
does he have to be an addict?

  I stare at the phone resting on my night table and suddenly I want
to call him. I want to tell him how sorry I am for being such a fool
and I want to tell him how I feel. But I'm scared, and I want him to
hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be ok, that there will
be no relapse, no drugs, no empty promises, no Chloe.

  I close my eyes, knowing sleep wouldn't come that night. I hate
myself for doing this to us. I hate him for not trusting me. I hate
ever coming back. But no matter how much I hate, the truth remains the
same. I still want to kiss him. I still want to be held by him. Only
the one thing that brings me comfort, is the one thing I fear.


El Finito