Oh, What a Christmas
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me, only the ones I made up in this story do. I tried to make a blow up Luka doll in my house, but who knew acrylic was flammable.

Author's Notes: I don't know Croatian, I have never been to Croatia, I don't even know someone who is Croatian. Therefore, excuse me for any mistakes I might have made. Just pretend that while home, Luka is speaking Croatian at all times. I only used one word, "Rastezanje", which means "Stretch".



No matter for how long you leave your country, and no matter how many architectural changes are made, every time you step out of that plane, that familiar and wonderful fragrance fills your lungs and you can't even remember what you were running away from, or why. It calls on you from thousands of miles. CNN announces the news that there was a car pileup back home, and it still hurts. You still wonder if a friend or a family member was injured, even when the accident took place far from your own town. When your feet step on the ground, you can feel the earth welcoming you back home through your shoes. The elements of nature all gather to see you come back. It's never too sunny, or raining. There's always a little bit of sun alternated with gray clouds of rain and humidity with little chunks of blue sky. And then that transition from English to Spanish, or Croatian. The feeling that you are still in the States and that the welcome signs are in the wrong language. Hearing people talking next to you and feeling like they are talking in a strange language you can somehow understand.

But it goes away quickly. As soon as someone talks to you, you are back home, and you never left to begin with.

"Have a nice stay, sir," the Eastern European stewardess said through her white teeth.

Luka smiled warmly, and cheered out a, "Thank you," before walking out of the airplane.

Airports have a way of being completely different from what you remembered in the first place, at least outside the United States. There's always that construction on the parking lot, those stores 'Coming Soon', the Americanization a little more evident, there's a McDonalds in the corner now. Baggage claim was still a pain to go through. That's why he always made sure he carried little baggage in a small bag that fit in the overhead compartment. Then they check everything from your hair down to your underwear to make sure you are not bringing something in, like he would carry a snake into the country.

Probably the best feeling besides stepping out of the plain, is walking out of the airport, and feeling the cold breeze hit your face. Luka looked around to see if a familiar face was present. That's another thing you always do. Everywhere you go, your eyes dance from one corner to the other to see if you can spot any of your old friends. Of course, you very rarely do, but it's something that comes natural. He did spot, however, a very familiar figure at the end of the hundreds of people waiting for their loved ones to come out.

Luka's brother spotted him and smiled that mischievous smile he had when he was about to do something that Luka would be bothered by. "Rastezanje!" Bruno Kovac exclaimed as he walked over with his hands wide open and a big smile on his face.

Luka smiled also and moved closer to hug his brother, who took the opportunity to pin Luka down to the ground. "Hey, hey!" Luka protested and normally would be upset about it, like he would get when he was a boy, but now, it was actually fun, and entertaining to the audience it seemed, since most everyone was staring at them.

"Ok, ok," Bruno said as he let Luka go and helped him with his bag. "Look at you, you look well. America suits you," he exclaimed as he patted Luka's back and stomach. Although slightly shorter than Luka, Bruno had always been more burly, and liked to torment his younger brother with physical pain. Luka's passive ways had always given the other boys the opportunity to make him the punch bag.

"America suits everyone," Luka replied with a smile. They began to walk towards the car and Luka looked around, "Where's dad?"

"Back at the farm. He wanted to come but they say a storm is coming up, gotta get everything ready," Bruno said.

"Oh, so, we're not going home?" Luka asked, a little disappointed.

"No, no. Dad wants the whole family to gather for Christmas at the farm, there's more rooms for the kids and us," he said and threw Luka's bag on the trunk of his car.

The engine was turned and Luka rolled down the window all the way down so he could see and smell his country better. He was entangled in the landscape and buildings, the people, the mountains, the cars. Things had this way of keeping that antique feeling and yet be modernized at the same time. Even the most advanced of cars seemed old. There was this indescribable sense of relief in the air; it made him smile inside. This was his old home, the home he knew and loved for so many years, what he fought for, and he still wished he would have stayed here to see all the changes.

"So, what made you come back. We haven't seen you in years. I thought you were too busy with your new life too see your family again," Bruno said and quoted his brother's previous words from years ago.

Luka smiled and stared straight ahead. "I have some things to think about," he said.

"Why do you have to be here to think?" Bruno asked.

Luka wrinkled his nose. "I don't know," he answered, seeming a little distant. What was he doing here, exactly? It was actually an impulse, a calling. Two days before he woke up, and he had to come home. He spent hours trying to convince Kerry to give him a couple of days off on a busy time of year and when they were missing an attending. He finally gave up and told her his dad was very sick and he wanted to see him in case something happened. Whether she bought that or not, he didn't know, but he was here, so she either took pity on him, or she was very gullible.

He turned to his brother in a second attempt. "I wanted to spend Christmas with my family," he said with a smile as he patted Bruno's shoulder.

Bruno laughed, "Bullshit."

Luka smirked and shook his head, "How's Elska and the kids?"

"Eh, you know," Bruno said as he drove. "She's driving me crazy with a trip to Greece, wants to go on a cruise or something. And the kids are still growing. I swear, every time they go to school they inject something on them, Antun's nearly as tall as you," he finished.

Luka raised his eyebrows; he couldn't wait to see his nephews and niece.

It was a long drive, but an enjoyable one none the less. They reached the country side and Bruno turned on a small and muddy path where a big farm could be seen at the end. Luka smiled. If he focused a little, he could actually see the smaller versions of him and his brother running around and causing trouble. They were there, actually, but after the car got closer Luka realized it wasn't a flashback, it was two of his nephews.

"Uncle Luka!" a small pack of three children from different sizes ran towards him, and a girl jumped up in his arms.

Luka laughed and tried to greet all of them at the same time while balancing a girl in his arms. "Wow, look at you all, how old are you again?" he joked.

"I'm 7," the girl said.

"And you look like you're 10, I see the family gene is still running, huh?" Luka said.

Two boys remained on the ground and they each got a hold of one of Luka's arm. "Come see the tree house we made, uncle Luka," the youngest said.

"Later, Gustav, your uncle is tired," Bruno said as he took Luka's luggage out.

"I want him to see my pony," the girl said.

"I said later, Ana," Bruno scolded.

Luka smiled, "I'll go later, ok?" he said, gave her a kiss on the forehead and put her on the ground, the tree kids immediately ran away.

"Now you know why that Greek cruise is just the wife's dream," Bruno said as they walked into the house.

The house didn't change. Same frames hanging from the walls, same sculptures on the floor, same colors wrapped around it; that old table he used to hide under as a kid was still here.

"Hey, my boy," an older man who looked similar to Luka but older, with gray hair, but the same height approached him with arms wide open.

"Hello, dad," Luka said warmly as they embraced, patting each other's backs.

Vladimir pulled back to look at his son more closely. "My God, you are fat," he exclaimed. "How long has it been, two..."

"Three years," Luka jumped in, rememberingthe last time he had been here. "You look great," he exclaimed to his dad, but not surprised about the fact his own father was like a log.

"I eat well, that's why. Look at your brother, eating all that American junk food. He's gonna have a heart attack before he reaches 40. You tell him, Luka," Vladimir alarmed.

"Oh, yeah, you tell him Luka. Why don't you just say he's the doctor so he's your favorite," Bruno said.

"Oh, come on, don't start," Luka chimed in.

"Ok, dad," Bruno said to humor Luka.

Vladimir laughed and put his hands on the back of his sons' necks. "So, I have my two boys here for Christmas. What are we going to do?"

"Nothing big, please. I'm really worn out," Luka said.

"We'll have a small dinner and get some gifts for the kids," Vladimir said. Bruno went back outside the with kids and Vladimir turned to Luka, "So, how is my favorite son?"

Luka laughed, "Very tired," he said.

"Don't worry about a thing, you won't be doing anything around here but rest," Vladimir said and guided him into the kitchen.

Luka sat by the big table and grabbed a loaf of bread to eat. Another woman walked in and he turned around.

"So, this must be Luka," she said.

"Yeah," Vladimir said, "Luka, this is Mariska, Mariska, Luka."

"Nice to meet you," Luka said and shook her hand.

"Your father talks so much about you," she said and suddenly jumped, "I'm going to make you boys a very nice meal, what would you like?"

Luka shook his head, "I'm not really that hungry, just tired."

"Why don't you take a nap, your old room is ready," Vladimir said, looking for something to eat in the refrigerator.

Luka thought about that option. He was really jetlagged and incredibly tired because of the flight and the extra shift Kerry made him take the day before. A nap sounded nice, but somehow he wanted to see everything today, check out all the rooms and go outside to play with the kids. He couldn't seem to find any strength inside of him, though, so he flinched. "I think I'm going to take a nap," he said and picked up his bag.

"Ok," Vladimir said.

"I put some clean sheets on the bed," Mariska said.

"Thank you," Luka said warmly and walked out. He wanted to run up the stairs, but decided to take them one step at a time, so he finally got to his room and put the bag on the floor. After a quick shower, he walked back into the room and with a quick glance at his watch, picked up the phone and began to dial a rather long number.

"Making an important phone call?" his father said as he walked in.

Luka hung up the phone and turned around, "Yeah."

Vladimir smiled, "Got a girl back in the states?"

Luka shook his head in amusement with a smile and sat on the bed. "Are you here to read me a story?" he joked.

Vladimir smiled and sat on the bed next to him, "I wanted to talk to you about something," he said.

Luka turned serious, thinking something might be wrong. "About?"

"Well," Vladimir said and exhaled, "I guess there's only one way to say this, so... Mariska and I, we are married," he said, looking for his son's reaction.

Luka raised his eyebrows, "Oh," he said with a hint of surprise.

"I didn't want to tell you over the phone, and since you were coming, I thought I'd tell you in person, and I wanted you to meet her first," he said.

Luka thought for a moment, "What if I wouldn't have liked her, would you have told me the same?"

"Yeah," Vladimir said. "Do you? Like her?"

Luka nodded, "Yeah, she seems nice," he said casually and stood up to hand the towel by the dresser.

"You know, your mother was my first love, but you boys are gone, and since your grandfather died, I am here alone. I met her on the market, and, um, we just fell in love," he said in the simplest explanation.

Luka smiled, "That's very nice."

"She couldn't wait to meet you; she's very excited that you're here," he said.

Luka nodded, not knowing what to say to that. He picked up some of his clothes and began to put them on the dresser.

"Anyway," his father said as he stood up. "I'm going to let you rest now."

"Wake me up for dinner," Luka said.

Vladimir nodded, "Thanks for, taking the news well."

Luka smiled and saw his father off. Vladimir Kovac married again, who would have thought, certainly not Luka. He had been so shaken up after his mother that Luka never thought he'd see his father with another woman again. Well, everything's possible now. Easing himself gently into bed, he closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep.



As if it had been just the blink of an eye, Luka opened them again to see a little girl staring at him.

"You said you were going to see my pony later, now is later," Ana said.

Luka smirked and sat on the bed, stretching his body and taking a deep breath.

"Ana, leave your uncle alone," a woman said as she walked into the room. "It's so nice to see you again, Luka."

"Thanks, Elska, you look great!" Luka exclaimed as he stood up and gave her a warm hug. He noticed the sun outside. "What time is it?"

"10:20," Elska said as she picked up her daughter.

Luka flinched, "Why didn't you wake me last night?" he asked.

"Your father thought you should rest," she said.

"Oh, God," Luka said in surprise. He had never slept that much, at least not in the last nine years. "Where is he?"

"Downstairs, we saved you some breakfast and there's clean towels in the bathroom," Elska said and began to walk out.

"You have to see my pony," Ana called out before they were gone.

"I will," Luka shouted back and with a smile, walked into the bathroom for a quick shower and to get changed. He walked down the stairs expecting to see his father in the kitchen, but Mariska was there instead. "Good morning," he said a little awkwardly.

"Luka, hi," she said with a bright smile as she put a plate of food in front of him. "Did you sleep well?"

Luka looked at her and nodded. She sat next to him and suddenly he didn't know what to say or do. "Uh, where's Bruno?"

"He went to the city to buy some things with the boys," she said, staring at him as if he was a famous celebrity she had only heard from.

Luka nodded and began to eat his food, painfully aware of her presence. Luckily, his father walked in not long after that.

"Hey, I thought you were going to sleep through your stay here," he joked and patted Luka's back.

Luka smiled, "I told you to wake me up," he said.

Vladimir went over and sat next to Mariska, putting his arm around her and kissed her cheek.

Luka cleaned his mouth with a napkin nervously and stood up, "Well, I thought I'd be going to the city too, but since Bruno is gone, I think I'll go for a walk. I still have to see Ana's pony."

"I'll go with you," Vladimir said and stood up.

"Thanks for breakfast, Mariska," Luka said and walked out through the back door of the kitchen.

He stepped out and took a deep breath of that countryside cleanliness he had never found in Chicago. His father caught up with him and he smiled. "Do you need any help around here?" he asked, remembering his brother had said something about a storm.

"No, no," Vladimir said as they walked. "They always say there's a big storm coming up, always turns out being just rain."

Luka nodded, picked up a couple of pebbles from the ground and began to toss them away.

"Is there something wrong?" Vladimir asked, looking at Luka.

Luka looked at him with a face of denial, "No," he said casually.

"Luka, I was there when you were born. I changed your diaper hundreds of times, I know when something's wrong with my boys," Vladimir said as they reached a smallplacebo and they sat down on a bench.

Luka threw away the last pebble and let out a sigh which got taken away by the wind. He massaged his thighs with his hands and turned to his father. "Dad, I, uh," he circled and closed his eyes for a moment, "I, uh, I killed a man," he said finally with a serious expression on his face and a tone of pain.

Vladimir looked confused, "You gave him the wrong medication?"

Luka shook his head and looked at his hands, "No, I killed him with my hands. He was going to rob us, and I killed him, I didn't mean to," he said as if it had happened five minutes ago.

Vladimir kept staring at him. "You killed a couple of men in the war," he said convincingly.

"This is different," Luka stressed. "This man didn't have a gun, he had a pipe, a pipe!" he repeated in disbelief. "He hit me from behind, and I went down and he went after my date, and I just got up and smashed his head against the pavement, over and over... she had to stop me," he said in awe.

Vladimir raised his eyebrows and didn't know what to say. "Well, son, this man attacked you. You were defending yourself."

"Dad, please," Luka said as if his father was trying to sell him something he didn't want to buy. "I could have punched him and kept him down. I could have hit him unconscious." He thought for a moment and kept going. "But when I was on the floor, and I saw him going after Abby, I..." He paused for a moment, and then continued. "He was suddenly a man going after Mishka in Vukovar. And this... rage took over me, I... I don't even remember hitting him the first time. The only thing I remember is Abby's scared face, looking at me as if..." He stopped, looking straight ahead and feeling that energy that took over him back then again, as if he was being regressed.

After some silence, he continued. "I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to be saving lives, not taking them away. That man had a mother somewhere, or a son. And his family and friends are probably wondering why it's Christmas and he hasn't called, and he never will because of me," he finished and felt a lump in his throat and his eyes moist.

Vladimir leaned forward and stared at the ground, still not knowing what to say. He knew what his son was feeling, but he also knew that nothing he said would make that feeling go away. "You're a good man, son," he finally started. "I raised you and Bruno the best I could. I never had much to give you, but I gave you principles, and nobleness. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you both. I wish I could take some things away to make it all better, but I can't. Someday, if you have kids again and you see them grow, you're going to realize that things happen and most of the time you can't control them. Someday someone's going to call you and say that your daughter in law and grandkids have been killed, and then later your son is going to come home to tell you he killed a man. And you're going to feel like a bad father because you can't do anything to keep those sort of things from happening to your kids."

He paused for a moment to look at Luka and then continued staring straight ahead. "Ten years ago, I was sitting in the old house and I heard something outside. I don't know why, but I grabbed my gun and I went to check. As soon as I opened the back door I came face to face with this young Serb soldier. I mean, the kid couldn't have been older than 18, I guess he was lost. And, we looked at each other for what seemed forever, we were both probably thinking the same thing. I was thinking about you boys, and your mother, and the family, and I don't even know why, but I pulled the trigger and I killed him." He looked at Luka, who was looking at him intensely now.

"Right after he went to the ground I realized what I had done so I checked on him, turns out he was a message carrier. And that kid probably had a mother back home, and a little girlfriend he was going to marry after the war, maybe even a dog too. I didn't think of that before I shot him, I was thinking of you, and your mother, and how hard it would have been for you if I were dead," he said and continued. "I couldn't live with myself after that, and two days later I get a call from Vukovar, and they tell me that Mishka and the kids are dead. And son, suddenly, for a brief moment, I was glad I killed that kid. And if they would have given me a gun I would have killed him again. I still feel bad about it, and ten years from now you'll still feel bad about that man. But you know what? I am sure that if I wouldn't have killed that kid, he would have killed me. Then he would have reunited with his troop and he would have killed more people, women and children. Now you have to live with the question of what this man would have done to you. He tried to kill you. He could have killed your girl, or raped her. And ten years later he wouldn't have cared, or felt bad about it. I know that doesn't justify killing, but sometimes you have to hold on to something so you don't lose your mind. I still wake up sometimes and I wonder what kind of life that kid would have had if I hadn't pulled the trigger." He trailed off for a moment and then continued, "I know you didn't do it on purpose, God knows you didn't killed that man on purpose. You should know that too," he finished and patted Luka's back.

Luka sniffed, and felt a couple of tears falling but wiped them away immediately. He looked at his father and smiled, and wondered if he had made that story up to make him feel better, like the time he told him he had killed and eaten a chicken so Luka would feel better about accidentally stepping on a baby chick. He still felt awful about the mugger, but it was nice to hear those things from his father. He wouldn't have taken it from anyone. "Thanks," he said warmly and with a slight chuckle.

Vladimir smiled, "Anything else on your mind? Because you won't get me like this again," he joked.

Luka smirked and shook his head. "Actually, this is really stupid, but about you being married, it feels a little weird," he said with his face flinched.

Vladimir nodded, having known about this since he had told him. "Why didn't you say anything last night?"

Luka shrugged his shoulders, "I didn't want to make you feel bad, and I was tired..."

"Well," Vladimir said, "What's on your mind?"

Luka tried to look through the mess that was his mind at that moment. "Um, do you love her?" he asked in trepidation.

"Yes," Vladimir said sincerely.

Luka was a little surprised by his short answer. "When did you get married?"

"Six months ago. I wasn't a big wedding. It was a spur of the moment thing, no one was there," Vladimir said.

Luka bit his lip, "I still wished you would have told me at least you were dating," he said.

"Yeah, I should have. I guess I was a little scared, because of your mother," Vladimir said.

Luka nodded understandingly, and heard someone calling out his name. Little Ana ran towards where they were and he stood to pick her up. "Hey," he greeted.

"You said you were going to see my pony," she said.

"Well, I guess we can go now," Luka said.

"I have to take Mariska to the market," Vladimir said. "I'll see you later, and Ana? No riding the horse," he said and walked away.

"Bye," Luka added and turned to his niece, walking towards the stables, "Well, this must be a really nice pony if you want me to see it so much," he said.

"She is," Ana said. "Grandpa said I can take her with me when I grow up."

"You are going to have to live near here," Luka said and they walked into the stables.

"There she is," Ana announced and made Luka put her down to run to the pony, which was a little too big.

Luka smirked, "Ana, that's not a pony, that's a horse," he said and stroked the animal.

"Grandpa said she's 11 years old, that's a little," she said and looked up at Luka, who was staring at the horse intensely. "Her name is..."

"Princess," Luka finished her off and looked down at her little confused face, so he picked her up. "This horse, used to be your cousin's, Jasna. And when she was 4, we were here to see the birth of this horse, and your great grandfather gave it to her as a gift, and she named her Princess."

"And Jasna is in heaven now," Ana said confidently as she stared at the horse.

Luka smiled, "Yes she is." He looked at his niece and raised his eyebrows, "Christmas is tomorrow, what do you want?" he asked and began to walk back into the house.

"I want a baby sister," Ana said.

Luka laughed, "Your father is going to need more than a trip to Greece to give you that."



Bruno came home with the boys that afternoon and found Luka on the living room of the house, looking through some books. He grabbed a couple of beers from the refrigerator and gave one to his brother.

Luka looked at him, "You should have told me you were going to the city, I wanted to get something for the kids," he said and sat down on the couch.

"Kids have enough toys already," Bruno said and sat down also.

Luka looked at him and shook his head, "Did you know dad was dating? I mean, before they were married?"

"Yeah, I met her once or twice," Bruno said. "She's really nice, makes him happy."

"Don't you think it's weird?" Luka asked.

"Why would it?" Bruno replied.

Luka thought for a moment, "I don't know, I mean, is he really in love with her?"

"Of course he is," Bruno said. "Haven't you seen him around her? He's like a teenager."

Luka smiled, "I guess I didn't think he'd fall in love again," he added.

"Because you haven't?" Bruno asked.

Luka fought with his thoughts, "I guess so."

"Well," Bruno said. "I guess you really can fall in love twice." Luka nodded, and Bruno raised his eyebrows. "I mean, dad says you're dating again," he added.

Luka shook his head, "Can't keep a secret around here," he muttered.

"Yeah, you know how that is," Bruno said. "Who is she?"

Luka smiled, "I don't know if what we have can be called dating," he said.

Bruno raised his eyebrows in confusion, "Why not?"

"Well," Luka started, "She's a sweet girl, and we went out on a date, and something bad happened, so that sort of ruined everything."

"What happened?" Bruno asked.

"We sort of got mugged," Luka said simply.

"And?" Bruno asked.

"Well," Luka said. "It led to something even worse, so, I didn't know how to handle that," he said, confused by his own words. Being with Abby is something that just came automatic, no explanations or reasons. It was the weirdest relationship he had ever been in, so he hadn't wanted to think about it much.

"So she got scared of you?" Bruno said.

Luka shook his head in amazement, "No, actually, it was the other way around. I mean, she didn't, judge me or, thought less of me. It was, weird," he said.

Bruno looked at him for a moment, "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, shaking his head.

"Well, um," Luka said but stopped to gather his thoughts. "Well, I just, you know, I thought that after what happened, she wouldn't want anything to do with me, so I started pushing her away, I don't even know why, but she didn't give up that easily, I mean, she is the most stubborn person I have ever met," he said with a laugh. "And, I don't know, I guess we stopped talking, and, I mean, being mugged on the first date, that's a bad sign."

"What are you talking about, bad sign," Bruno said in disbelief. "That's something only women believe in. 'Oh, his hair grows the other way around, his mother is a Taurus, I saw a black cat the day we met'. Do you like this girl?"

"Yeah," Luka said.

"Fuck signs. You know what a bad sign is? When she dies on the first date, that's when you know the relationship won't work," Bruno said and stared at him. "Signs," he said in disbelief, "You're such a pussy."

Luka stared at him, "Shut up, Bruno."

"You know what that is? It's fear of commitment," Bruno said.

"What do you know about that?" Luka said.

"I read a book," Bruno said. "You're reluctant to open up to someone because you're scared to lose another woman. And you know that if you fall in love, you're going to be vulnerable and you don't want to get hurt again."

Luka shook his head, "What kind of book was this?"

"Something my wife was reading," he said. "How long have you been dating?"

Luka thought for a moment, "Around a month, month and a half."

"Oh man," Bruno said. "I don't know much about relationships but I know if I were a woman I wouldn't want to date you, I mean, you're the most screwed up guy I have ever known. So, if you found one who's willing to take you for a month and a half I'd stick to her like chewed gum to the pavement during the summer."

"It's not that simple, Bruno," Luka said.

"Yeah, you're always doing that," Bruno said.

"Doing what?" Luka asked, and immediately regretted it.

"Making things worse than they are. Like the time I got my appendix taken out, and you told everyone at school I was going to die. You enjoy being miserable," Bruno said.

"First of all, you can die of an appendix burst, and second, I don't enjoy being miserable," Luka said.

"No, you just like making things worse for you," Bruno said.

"Ok, enough of that," Luka said. "What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"Not much, why?" Bruno said.

"Can I borrow your car? I want to go see the old house," Luka said.

"Sure, it's all yours," Bruno said. "Want me to go with you? Or send you with one of the kids?"

"No, no," Luka said, "I kinda want to go alone."



He slept on his side that night, thinking about everything that had happened that day. Perhaps that was the reason why he only came home after a few years had passed, because every time he came, he would go back to the States with a lot of things to think about. In one day, he had loaded out everything about the mugger, his family, his father's marriage, Abby and their relationship, and his brother's insistence about him being unconsciously attached to misery. That was so much to take that now he found himself sleepless. He thought of the robber again, and tried to hold on to the idea that, even though it had been an extreme measure, it had been a life or death situation, as his father said. God knows if that man had killed people before, or would have killed people in the future. He wondered why he was the poor soul chosen to stop this man.

He thought of his father's marriage. Somehow in his own innocence and grief, he had convinced himself that falling in love again was only for romance novels and teen movies. Was it really possible to love someone again, like he loved his wife. Could he really wake up again, craving the presence of another person, longing to hear her voice, imagining life made no sense if she wasn't with him, willing to die for her? It had happened to his father, could it happen to him as well? Did his father stop loving his mother? Or was his heart divided between two women. If that were the case, did he love Mariska less? Or his mother? How did this work, Luka didn't know. He had seen many hearts in his life, but had never understood its mysteries.

And then Abby. He could easily sit down and think about that mugger and torment himself with self guilt, but he couldn't bring himself to think about her and this "Relationship" they had. It had started so well, and now it was almost dead. They seemed to be hanging by a thread, and it was either Abby pushing, or Luka pushing, but they never seemed to work at the same time to save it. First it was him, with his grief, then it was her, with her mother, and now that they were both at ease, he seemed to be losing his mind again. Sometimes he had thoughts of calling her to tell her it was useless, that they should stop this charade and just be friends. But he couldn't bring himself to do that either. Maybe his brother was right. What if he was reluctant to open up to someone again because he was scared of getting hurt?

But then there was Carol, he had pursued her relentlessly and he wasn't scared back then. Was he after Carol because he knew the relationship was doomed from the start? Did he chase after her knowing it was safe because she could never fall in love with him? Could never hurt him because there could never be something between them? Carol never saw just how vulnerable he was. He always put on a brave face and told her about his life as if it had been a carnival ride. Now that Abby had seen him in his down loop, he almost felt ashamed. No one had seen him like that in a long time, except for his family, and he couldn't face her the way he could when she thought he was a great man and the best doctor she had ever known. He was flattered back then, now he was ashamed. Of what? He didn't know, because Abby never gave him any signals that she thought less of him now, or that he was a coward, or a pussy, as his brother said. Maybe he was a chauvinistic pig? Not really, he had been very vulnerable in front of his wife. He figured, maybe Abby identified with him? Her own life had been horrible as well, and she didn't even have a father and brother she could go home to. So maybe she didn't take pity on him because compared to her life, his was a walk in the park? Probably, but that made him feel even more guilty now than before.

So this was the reason why he only came to Croatia when he was about to snap. In Chicago, he could go to work, and go back home, and never have to think about his personal life because he didn't have one. He didn't have any family members who could look at him and know there was something wrong, and no one ever asked him if he was ok, so he simply shut his mind and never thought about his life at all. But now, there was someone who was chasing him to make him vent with her. He had left Croatia because his family was constantly making him face his own demons. Should he leave Chicago now because Abby was doing the same? Because she cared? That would always remain a question.



Luka's favorite part of Croatia has always been the coast. Memories of him and his brother diving for hours danced in his head and he wished it would be summer so he could do the same now. There was something about the ocean that made all of life's problems disappear. But that only worked with people who grew up near the coast. He had met many people in Chicago who had never seen the ocean, or had briefly, and to them, it's just a mass of water which never seemed to end. To Luka it was more than that. He had learned to respect the ocean like he had learned to respect his own parents. At an early age, he had learned that you don't mess with that ocean and the ocean doesn't mess with you. He loved it, had come to be one with it, but he was dead scared of it. At nights, he could hear and feel the tide grow, the waves becoming monsters and the water approaching the confines of his town. In a way, the ocean was like himself. It put on a brave font with ten feet waves and deadly tides, but beneath it, it hid wonders and many beauties, different living organisms as Luka hid mixed emotions.

He saw his old house from afar but decided to keep driving. That was not the reason why he had come here. His car pulled into the parking lot of the cemetery and he quickly grabbed the array of flowers he had bought earlier. Let's see, it was the 14th row, and then 10 graves to the left. He finally found them, and put one rose in each of them, and the rest on his wife's gravestone. He knelt down in front of the three and said a small prayer. He didn't come here much, mostly because the graves were empty and he knew this wasn't their resting place. He didn't know where they rested, actually, but he always thought they must be aware of this little shrine, so maybe they came here when he did, at least to say hello.

Luka had heard that talking to the spirits helps to let go. He had never done that either. Wasn't it a little soon to let go? Well, then years is a long time, and it had felt like a long time. He missed them terribly, but he wanted to let go. It wasn't a caprice anymore, or a reluctance to admit they were gone, at this point, he just had to. He would always love them, but his obsession over it was tearing him apart, it was killing him inside.

He looked at his wife's grave, and sort of smiled. "Thank you, for giving me a chance and for loving me back. I don't know if I'll be back, because I am carrying you all with me from now on. I love you..." he looked up to seek for the right word, but there wasn't one, "I love you immensely, and thanks for those wonderful years. And I hope you are not mad at me if I ever find love again, or have more children." With that, he stopped, not wanting to say something too compromising or anger them. So he stood up and made the sign of the cross. With that and a last glance at the ocean, he headed back home, Christmas needed to be celebrated.



The table was filled with Christmas decorations but mostly food. They decided to light up the dining table with candles and Vladimir led a prayer, wishing happiness and good fortune to everyone around. The kids quickly ate their food and went to bed, waiting to open their presents the day after. The adults remained on the table, and Luka glanced around to smile at the two couples.

"Well," he said and raised his glass, "How about a toast, to love, and the future, and that my dad and Mariska will be very happy together," he said sincerely.

"Hear, hear," everyone said at their own pace.

"I think we should put the presents under the tree for the kids now," Mariska said to Elska.

"Good idea. I'll make sure they're asleep," Elska said and they both stood up.

"Well, I am not asleep, so you are spoiling it for me," Bruno joked and received a playful slap from his wife.

"Well," Vladimir said and stood up. "How about we finish this bottle of wine in the living room?"

"Good idea," Luka said and they left the table to move over to the living room.

"Did you get all the presents for the kids?" Vladimir asked Bruno.

"Yeah," Bruno said with a stretch, "Antun has been bugging me about a VV gun, got him something else, hope he's not mad."

"Dad got me a gun once," Luka said.

"And you nearly shot my eye out," Bruno said.

Vladimir laughed, it felt so good to have his boys here. They would go on and talk until it was almost 2 am, when Elska came down and complained to Bruno about her having to wrestle him in the morning to wake him up. Luka decided to go to bed as well, because he wanted to see the kids reaction in the morning when they opened their presents, his father followed.

Well, he didn't wake up quite in time to see the kids reaction. Actually, he woke up when Ana jumped in his bed, thanking him for the baby doll he had gotten her. He walked down to came face to face with a mess of wrapping paper, boxes, and toys, and he sat next to his brother, who was trying to teach Gustav how to put together his new bike. Vladimir and Mariska were hugging when he finally got her that wedding ring he had owed her, and Elska was teaching Ana how to be a mom with her new doll.

Bruno took Gustav and the rest of the boys out with their new bikes out and Luka followed to see them ride. They stood at the porch and he turned to Luka. "You didn't have to get them presents too."

Luka smiled, "They're my nephews and niece, why not?"

"Yeah, but bikes," Bruno said. "I hope you're here to be their doctor when they ride into upcoming traffic."

Luka laughed, "Just give me a call."

"So you're leaving tomorrow, when are you coming back?" Bruno asked.

"I don't know," Luka said. "You know me."

"Yeah," Bruno said. "Why don't you stay here? Dad is so happy when we are all around, the kids love you. We can make you a house near the coast, the demand for doctors is really high."

Luka shook his head, "You know? Since I came back, people have been really happy to see me, but no one has said 'Welcome Home'," he said and looked at Bruno, "This isn't home anymore. It's where I come back to, but it's not home. And yeah, Chicago is not home either, but I want to find that. And it's not here," he finished.

Bruno nodded understandingly. "Are you sure?"

"Very," Luka said. "Hey, I'll be back, maybe more often from now on," he added convincingly.

Bruno smirked, "Maybe you can bring a girl home next time," he said.

Luka smiled, "Maybe," he said.

Vladimir came out and gave Luka a small box. "Don't think you're going back to Chicago without a gift."

"Dad, you don't have to," Luka said.

"It was Mariska's idea," Vladimir said and put his arm around his wife.

"Thank you," Luka said warmly and opened the box. Inside there was a gold watch, and he took it out and put it on his wrist, "Thank you," he said, more excited this time. "It's great." He kissed Mariska and hugged his father.

"It has the date too, so you remember to come more often," Vladimir said.

"I will," Luka said with a laugh.

The next day came back too quickly, and after making Ana cry with his departure, they finally drove to the airport, where Vladimir and Bruno dropped him off. Luka put his bag down and looked at them both with a sigh, "Well, this is it then, another good bye," he said.

"We're used to that already," Bruno said.

Luka smirked and hugged his brother, "Take care of the kids, and you take care too," he said.

Bruno patted his brother's back, "Take that advice yourself," he said. "A month and a half," he whispered in Luka's ear.

Luka laughed and pulled back, "Thanks." He hugged his father, and felt like crying for a moment, but knew his father was happy, so he tried to contain himself.

"Remember what we talked about," Vladimir said.

"I will," Luka said and pulled back, and gave his father a kiss. "I'll be back... soon," he said with a convincing smile.

"I hope so," Vladimir said.

Luka picked up his bag and waving good bye, walked into the airport.

Bruno looked at Vladimir, "He won't be back," he said.

"Not a chance," Vladimir said and put his arm around his son to go back home.



Luka sat back on his seat and tried to relax. Going home was a pleasure, sitting on a plane for endless hours wasn't. He looked out the window and saw the lights of the city shinning. Maybe it was Chicago, although it could have been New York, he didn't know. He looked at his watch and the date. December 26, 2000. Every time he went home he came back thinking it had been the most significant trip he had ever made, and this time was no different. He felt relieved, and fresh, and laid back. And although tomorrow he would have a patient who would make his life sour again, at least for now, he was at peace. So many things had changed, but it was mostly just him. Bruno was right. Luka had lived so long in misery, that unconsciously he had been soughing it out when it left his life. Why he did that, he didn't know, but at least now he was aware of it. Funny how he had gone to many psychiatrists and they had never told him something like that, and his brother, who vaguely read some book his wife gave him probably as a double meaning, made a diagnosis to his face.

Last time he went home, he thought things would be different, but it wasn't long until he was in the down loop again. Maybe that would happen this time, but maybe it wouldn't, that was the exciting thing. His life was just full of surprises and he could never second guess what would wait for him out there. It was scary and unstable, but that's what he liked about it.

Well, to prove his theory right, he stepped out of the plane and before walking away spotted Abby, who was looking consciously at a woman trying to keep her baby from crying. He sneaked up behind her to poke her ribs to tickle her, making her jump up.

Abby turned around suddenly and smiled, "Hey!"

Luka gave her a quick hug, "I didn't know you were picking me up," he said when he pulled back.

"I thought I'd surprise you," she said. "Do you need help with that?" she asked when they began to walk.

Luka looked at his bag, "Oh, no. This is the only thing I got."

Abby smiled and looked up at him, "So, how was home?"

"Oh, you know, parents, brothers, nieces and nephews," he said vaguely.

"Yeah," Abby said. "Are you jet lagged? What time do you think it is?" she asked, amused because she herself had never been out of the country.

Luka smirked, "I don't care, it's so good to be back," he said and put his arm around her. "Anything interesting happened while I was gone?"

Abby thought for a while, "Hm, well, Dr. Chen had a baby," she said.

"Really?" Luka asked.

"Yeah, a baby boy. He lives in Portland now with his new parents," Abby said.

"How is she doing?" Luka asked. That he had come to realize as well. Even people as Chen, whom he rarely talked to, had bad things going on for themselves. He made a mental note to check up on Mark also.

"Eh, you know, taking a couple of weeks off," Abby said.

Luka noticed that she looked better know, probably because her mom was gone and she had a couple of days off just for herself. On the way to her car, he suddenly stopped and grabbed a free booklet from a stand.

"What's that?" Abby asked.

Luka showed her the magazine and smiled at her, "I think I'm going to buy a house here."

The End