The Wizard of ER
By Carolina
super_carolina1@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Neither the characters of ER, nor the characters of The Wizard of Oz belong to me.

Author's notes: Well, here I come again with one of my stupid ideas. This I wrote to celebrate the 60th year anniversary of my favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz". Watch it on Nov. 19th on TNT ;o) This is very goofy, and I wasn't serious about it. Hope you like it.

Archive: Sure, makes my job easier.



Small drops of rain fell from the sky and turned into snow as they traveled their path to the icy Chicago ground. Luka walked with a little difficulty to work, dragging Abby by her hand, both trying to avoid the small mountains of snow.

"The weather man said it was going to be clear today," Luka said, trying to defend his decision to walk instead of drive to work.

"Ah, let me guess, Fox news?" Abby asked as she looked at him.

Luka laughed, but his guffaw was interrupted by a yawn, "I think I'm going to fall asleep before my shift is over," he said.

"Oh come on, it wasn't that late," Abby said.

"If I get in trouble I'm gonna blame you for making me watch 'The Wizard of Oz' until 2 am," he joked and poked her arm.

Abby looked at him, "I didn't see you fall asleep until the movie was over," she teased him.

"I was just trying to be polite," Luka joked.

"Yeah, right." Abby smiled. "I just couldn't conceive the idea of you not having watched 'The Wizard of Oz' before," she said.

"Well, it was a good movie, thank you for introducing it to me," Luka said as he bowed his head down in gratitude.

"Now you know why it's my favorite," Abby said.

Luka smiled as they approached the snack cart outside of the ER, "You want some coffee?" he asked her.

"Sure," Abby said and watched as Luka paid for them in advance. She mixed hers with a little sugar and turned to Luka, "I'm gonna go ahead and go in, Dr. Weaver is wicked mad at me for being late yesterday," she said.

Luka turned around, "Ah, she's been in a bad mood this week, watch out." He kissed her and watched her take the first step. "Be careful, the ground is icy," he said, but it was too late as he watched Abby slip down and hit her head on the pavement. He dropped his coffee and ran up to her hurriedly, kneeling down next to her. "Abby?" he called out, but she was out cold. "I need a gurney!" he called to anyone inside the ER.



Abby opened her eyes barely, and looked around, confused. She was on a strange bed, and the small room was decorated with childish feminine frames, dolls, and such. Something was even weirder, everything was in black and white. She sat on the bed, and jumped back when something next to her legs suddenly moved. It was a small dog, and it was looking up at her. She looked at her own body, and blinked twice when she saw herself wearing a cute little hick dress.

She was still trying to figure out where she was, and after standing up, had to try to keep her balance when she realized the room was moving. There was a small window on one of the walls, and she walked up to it to open it and figure out where she was. Outside, there were only gray clouds, but no ground. They were moving in circles, and small object flew through the air, around the house. The wind blew fierce fully and the objects kept spinning around. Suddenly, a woman dressed in black flew by in a bike, laughing maniacally. Abby wasn't able to see her face, because she immediately ran to the bed and covered her face, holding the small dog, scared.

Suddenly, the wind stopped blowing, and her body jumped on the bed when she only could assume the house had hit the floor. She stood up and looked around, taking the small dog in her arms, "What the heck is going on," she said, and suddenly jumped back when she realized she just said 'heck'. "Maybe you should come with me," she said to the dog, "You can bite, right?" she asked him.

When she made it to the living room, she opened the door to go outside and gasped, everything was in color, including herself. "I don't know about you, but I think those brownies Luka made last night had a little more in them than just chocolate," she said to the dog and walked outside. There were fake and exaggeratedly huge flowers in different colors, multi colored small houses, and tiles on the floors.

"Dog? I get the feeling we're not in Chicago anymore, there are trees and no hookers," she said, still looking around. From afar, a pink bubble began to descent to the ground, and as it was in front of her it burst, revealing a woman with an immensely big and pink dress, holding a wand and with a crown on her head.

Abby jumped back, "Dr. Corday?" she asked in awe.

"Oh, heaven goodness," she said cheerily, shaking her head. "I have to stop being so cheap and get one of the good, imported bubbles," she said and stopped to analyze Abby, "Oh, are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" she asked.

Abby looked at her, with a confused expression on her face, "Um, well, I can be a bitch sometimes, but," she said with a laugh and then just shook her head. "Dr. Corday, what is going on? Why is my hair long again and in pigtails and why am I wearing this out of style dress? And whose dog is this?" she asked.

"Oh, dear, my name is Elizabeth, the good witch of the north," she said.

Abby just nodded her head, "Right. Who put you up to this? It was Dave, wasn't it?" she said, smiling.

"The Munchkins have called me here for exciting news, it seems as though they are finally free from the tyranny of Cleo, the wicked witch of the east," she said with a big smile on her face.

"Dr. Finch?" Abby asked.

"It seems as though you have killed her, and thus freeing Munchkin Land," Elizabeth said merrily.

Abby was taken aback, "I killed Dr. Finch?" she said and Elizabeth showed her two legs coming out of the house Abby had just walked out of. She gasped in surprise. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kill her," she said, worried.

"Come out, come out now, it's ok, my dears," Elizabeth said.

From everywhere, little people began to emerge from the bushes, houses, sewers, and trees.

Abby jumped back yet again, trying to hide behind Elizabeth's dress. "Who are these people?" she asked.

"Come out and meet your savior, the one who's killed the bad witch, Cleo!" Elizabeth said, jumping up and down.

"YAY!!" All the Munchkins began to jump up and down.

Abby gasped, "Dr. Corday! I knew you disliked Dr. Finch, but to celebrate her death!" she said, taken aback.

There was a small explosion in front of them and all the Munchkins ducked on the floor. A woman dressed in black approached Abby, who was now in front of Elizabeth.

"Uh, oh," Abby said. "Dr. Weaver, if you're upset because I was late two days in a row..."

"Quiet!" Kerry yelled. "You, you are the one who killed my sister!"

"Sister?" Abby asked and then nodded, "Oh, that's right, you're adopted," she said.

"Hello Kerry," Elizabeth said sweetly.

Abby looked at Kerry, "Dr. Weaver, you seem to be the only one who's always on top of things, how do I get back to Chicago?"

"You have killed the witch of the east, and now you must die!" Kerry said.

"Oh-oh, Kerry. Don't forget about the slippers," Elizabeth said.

"The slippers!" Kerry said.

"That's right, they're Abby's now," Elizabeth said.

Abby shook her head and smiled, "Oh, no, that's ok, red slippers don't really go with this blue dress anyway," she said but is was too late, as the slippers disappeared from Cleo's feet and appeared on Abby's.

Kerry looked at the slippers, "This is not the end, I'll get you, and your little dog too," she said and laughed.

Abby looked at her, "Well, you can take him now if you want, he's not really my dog," she said but Kerry began to laugh maniacally and disappeared again.

"It's ok, she's gone now," Elizabeth said with a smile. "Come out, come out, where ever you are, and meet the young lady, who fell from a star," Elizabeth began to sing, Abby just gave her a weird look. "She fell from he sky, she fell very far. And Chicago she says is the name of the star," she sang.

"Chicago she says is the name of the star," the Munchkins joined in.

"Actually, it's not really a star, it's just a dump," Abby interrupted them.

"She brings you good news, or haven't you heard? When she fell off of Chicago, a miracle occurred," Elizabeth continued.

Abby looked at her, "It really was no miracle, what happened was just this, the wind began to switch. The house, to pitch. And suddenly the hinges started to, unhitch. Just then, the witch, to satisfy an itch, went flying on her brace just thumbing for a hitch," she said, surprised she was also singing.

All the Munchkins began to sing and dance, "Ding dong, the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!"

"Oh, great," Abby muttered sarcastically under her breath. "They dance too."

Three Munchkins came forth Abby recognized as Tess, Kate, and Reese. "We represent, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild. And in the name of, the Lollipop Guild, we wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land," they said and gave her a Lollipop.

Abby smiled and turned to Elizabeth, "You know, this is all very sweet, it's great actually. But I really need to go home now. Soooo, which way?"

Elizabeth, "Oh! All you need to do is follow the yellow brick road!" she said.

"What?" Abby incredulously.

"This road, follow it and it'll take you to Emerald City where the Wizard of ER can help you go back home," Elizabeth said.

"The Wizard of ER?" Abby asked. "Wouldn't that be Dr. Weaver?"

"The Wizard of this here land," one of the Munchkins said and took her hand, "Follow the yellow brick road," he said and took her hang to guide her to the beginning of the road.

"Follow the yellow brick road," another one said.

Abby began to walk down the yellow road. This was all so ridiculous, these people couldn't do anything else but sing and dance, no wonder Kerry was in such a bad mood. The Munchkins began to jump up and down in excitement as she walked unenthusiastically.

"You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER, we hear he is the wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. If ever, oh ever, a wiz there was, the Wizard of ER is one because, because, because, because, because, because... because of the wonderful things he does. You're off  to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER," the sang but stopped to look at one another, when Abby was still no where near the end of Munchkin Land, since she was just walking.

So they began to sing again. "You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER, we hear he is the wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. If ever, oh ever, a wiz there was, the Wizard of ER is one because, because, because, because, because, because... because of the wonderful things he does. You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER," they sang again and saw her off.



Abby walked down the yellow road, with that weird dog on her hands. "Let's see, everything's clean, we can breath the air, there's trees and nature everywhere, everyone is too nice, and they speak properly... I think we might be in Canada," she said to the dog. She put him down on the floor and stopped walking when they came to a crossroad. "Ah, perfect," Abby muttered. "Which way should we go?" she asked the dog, who only looked up at her innocently.

"That side looks good," a weird voice said from behind her.

Abby jumped back and looked around, "Who said that?" she asked.

"Of course, that side looks good also," the voice said again.

Abby looked around with weary eyes and cursed under her breath for not buying that gun when she had the chance. She turned around, and looked at a field of corn behind her. There was a scarecrow hanging form a stick, and she didn't have to look at it long to realize who it was.

"Luka!" she called out in excitement and ran up to him through the field. "Luka, I'm so glad you're here," she said, reaching out to touch his face. "Dr. Weaver wants to kill me because I killed Dr. Finch, but I didn't mean to, and Dr. Corday is flying around in a bubble and gave  me these horrible shoes, and this dress is terrible, and then all these little people began to harass me, and you have to come back with me and kick their ass," she said as fast as she could and crying.

Luka looked down at her, "Well I couldn't fight with anyone for you see, I'm filled to the neck with straw," he said in a goofy voice, still his Croatian accent evident.

"Luka stop fooling around, I'm serious," she cried.

"Well, I might help you out, but you're gonna have to get me off this pole," he said.

Abby looked around his body, and took out a nail hanging him from the pole, causing Luka to fall to the ground. She knelt down next to him, "Are you ok?" she asked, concerned.

"Sure! I'm a scarecrow, I can't feel pain, but don't light a match around me!" he said and began to laugh at his own joke.

"You're made out of straw?" she asked in disbelief and suddenly became weary. "Can I just check something?" she asked him.

"Sure!" Luka said, all happy.

Abby opened his pants and checked inside, and the empty space disappointed her. "Ow, this is worst than I thought," she moaned.

"Why?" he asked, not at all uncomfortable with Abby's hand down his pants.

"We have to go home Luka, and Dr. Corday said I have to go to some Emerald City and find the Wizard of ER. If you ask me, I think she's spent too much time around that Nitrous Oxide they use in surgery," she said.

Luka ignored her last remark and looked at her, "The Wizard of ER?" he asked.

"Yeah, do you know him?" she asked.

"No, but I heard he grants wishes, I could use something from him," he said.

"Really?" Abby asked, looking at his face, "What do you want?"

"You see, when they created us scarecrows, there was no demand for many, so they had to take my family and turn them horse food," he said.

Abby looked at him, touched. "So, you want a family?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," he said. "I could go to work all morning, and come back for my honeys, if I had next of kin..." he began to sing.

Abby interrupted him, "No, please, that's ok, you don't have to sing, I've had enough of that," she said. "Well, I sure could use some company, and if that wizard can send me home, I guess he can bring back your family," she said with a hint of regret, thinking that if his family came back, he would dump her in no time.

Luka jerked his head back, "Ok, sure!" he said and tried to stood up, but his legs gave in.

Abby ran over and helped him up, "Here, you'll have to lean on to me," she said.

"Ok!" Luka said cheerily.

"You know, I've never seen you this happy before," she noticed.

"That's because," Luka said, "Weeee're off to see the Wizard," he began to sing again.

Abby rolled her eyes, but then just decided to join in, "The wonderful Wizard of ER, we hear he is a wiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was," she sang as they both skipped down the road, Luka periodically falling down and being helped by Abby, and that strange dog following them.



Luka and Abby were walking down the yellow road when Abby turned to Luka, "I'm starving," she moaned.

Luka turned to her, "Ah, I cannot starve, for you see..."

"I know, I know, you're made out of straw, you don't have to keep saying that over and over, Luka," Abby said, a little annoyed.

"Why do you keep calling me Luka?" he asked.

Abby looked at him, "You remind me of someone," she said absentmindedly. They finally came face to face with a bunch of trees, filled with apples. "Oh, apples," Abby said merrily.

Kerry stood behind one of the trees, looking at them and snickering.

Abby walked over and grabbed one of the apples, only the tree came to life and slapped her arm, "Ow!" she moaned.

"What do you think you're doing? Has anyone ever told you you shouldn't take things without permission!" the tree yelled at her.

Abby stood there for a moment with her mouth open. "You can talk?" she said to the tree, amazed.

"Of course I can talk!" he yelled, making the other trees rebel as well.

Abby walked back and hid behind Luka, "I'm sorry, I was just hungry and..." she flinched, "What am I saying, you're a tree," she noticed.

"Yeah," Luka said and began to make faces at the trees, which began to throw apples at them.

Abby began to gather the apples near some trees and stopped when she saw a foot in front of her. He punched it three times, and heard an echo inside. She kept punching as she moved up, the leg, a torso and finally, "Carter?" she said in awe.

Luka came running and stood on the other side, "Why, it's a tin man," he said.

"A tin man?" Abby asked.

Carter began to squeal something.

"What did he say?" Luka asked.

"I think he said oil can," Abby said. "There," she pointed and walked over to take an oil can from the stub of a tree. She squirted some on Carter's mouth, and gave it to Luka to squirt on the other side.

Carter began to move his tin mouth, "Oh, yeah, that feels so good," he said in a tone of relief.

"Carter? Are you ok?" Abby asked.

"My arm," he said and Abby squirted oil on his arm, and then moving it up and down. "Oh, that feels even better," Carter moaned as Luka squirted the rest of his body with oil.

"What are you doing here?" Abby asked him.

Carter looked at her, "Oh, well, you see, about a year ago, I was here with my friend cutting down this here tree. Suddenly it began to rain, and I rusted but my friend ran away, stabbing me in the back," he said, mad.

"He stabbed you in the back?" Luka asked.

"Metaphorically," Carter said.

"Well, we can't leave you here, what if it starts raining again?" Abby asked. "Can you come with us?"

"Where are you going?" Carter asked.

"We're going to see the Wizard of ER," Abby said.

"Oh, really?" Carter asked in awe.

"Yeah, I'm trying to go home," Abby said.

Luka jumped in, "And I need a family," he said.

"Well, I suppose I could go with you, do you think the Wizard will grant me a wish too?" he asked both.

"What do you want?" Luka asked.

"Well, you see, I've always find it hard to be alone. But every time I get a girlfriend, I get too excited and rust! By the time someone oils me, they've disappeared!" he said.

Abby had to hold back a laugh, "So, you want a girlfriend?" she asked.

"A girlfriend who won't suddenly disappear. You see, the oil is good for me, but the last timber man fired me because I got hooked on it," he said.

Abby looked at Luka, and then at Carter, "Well, I suppose the Wizard can help you with that," she said.

"You think?" Carter asked.

"He's giving me a family, why wouldn't he be able to get you a girlfriend?" Luka said.

"Well then, count me in!" he said, grateful. He began to walk, but his knee was rusty so Luka put some oil in it too, then the other. "I could wake up and be fond, if I could correspond, to someone who's not blonde," he began to sing.

Abby followed him, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, Carter," she said, making him stop singing, "Luka here seems to be on some kinda role playing or something. Do you have any idea what's going on?" she asked. "Because all I remember was walking to work with him and then suddenly I was in this house and then I killed Dr. Finch, and this dog has been following me around everywhere," she said.

She couldn't continue because Kerry appeared on top of a house, "Ha, ha, ha. You think you're gonna go too far Abby, but not while I can help that," she said as she produced some fire, "How about some sparkles, scarecrow," she said and threw the fire on to Luka, then disappeared.

Abby and Carter ran up to Luka and extinguished the fire. "Who was that?" Carter asked.

"I was late for work two days in a row, and Dr. Weaver has gone bitchcakes. She also wants to kill me because I killed Dr. Finch," Abby said with a breath, "That's why I have to go home, I have to clock in," she said.

"Don't worry, Abby, I'm sure the Wizard will send you home," Luka said.

"Let's go then!" Carter said, standing up.

"Weeeee're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER," Luka and Carter began to sing. Abby just gave up on trying to keep everyone from singing, so she joined in, and they skipped down the yellow brick road.



Carter, Abby and Luka walked down the road, coming up to a forest and followed by the dog.

"Guys? I know I've been complaining about this situation I'm in, but his might not be too bad after all," Abby said with a sly smile, looking at the men in each of her arms, "Granted, one of you is made of stray, and the other one seems to have some kind of chastity belt, but..." she was interrupted by a noise.

"What was that?" Luka asked.

"I don't know," Abby said, scared.

"This is a jungle or forest of some kind, there could be lions, or tigers, or even bears," Carter said.

"Lions and tigers and bears?" Luka asked.

"Lions and tigers and bears," Carter repeated.

"Oh, my," Abby said.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my," they kept repeating as they walked down the road, until there was a roar, and they each jumped back, hiding in a different place.

A lion jumped from behind a tree, into a trunk and onto the floor. He growled and approached Luka and Carter, both dead scared.

"Come on, put 'em up, put 'em up," the lion said, inviting Carter and Luka to fight. "I'm gonna take you down, and I'm gonna tear you out, and I'm gonna..." he was interrupted by a dog, who came barking at him. He began to chase him and came to a stop when Abby jumped form behind a tree and slapped his nose, making him cry.

Abby gasped, "Dave?" she asked in awe and then dropped her face, "You know what? I‘m not even surprised anymore," she said. "Are you ok?"

Dave rubbed his nose, "No I'm not ok! You slapped my nose! Ever heard of a nail clipper," he said.

Abby looked hurt, "I'm sorry," she said.

"And what are you doing in my forest?" he asked callously.

"We're on our way to see the Wizard of ER," Luka said.

Dave smiled, "Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, he's gonna send Abby home, and give me a girlfriend and scarecrow a family," Carter said.

"Do you think he'd give me something if I asked?" Dave said.

"Ah, let me guess, you want to see two women having sex," Abby said.

"What?" the three men said in unison. "That's sick, Abby," Carter said.

"Yeah, what's the matter with you," Luka said.

Abby took a step back, "Geez, I'm sorry," she said.

"Actually, what I need is sensitivity," Dave said.

Abby was touched, "Really?"

"Yeah," Dave said, regretful. He shook his head and looked at her, "I also need a brain and a heart," he added.

Abby nodded, "Well, of course," she said. She stood back, waiting for him to start singing, but Dave just scratched his head.

"Are we going or not?" he asked coldly.

Abby jumped back, "Yeah, sure," she said.

They began to sing, "Weeee're up to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of ER, we hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. If ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of ER is one because, because, because, because, because, because... because of the wonderful things he does," they skipped down the road, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of ER."

Kerry saw in her crystal globe from her castle at the dancing people on their way to see the wizard. "You think you're going to get there, don't you, but I'll give you something sweet to smell," she said. "Poppies, poppies everywhere!" she said and laughed.

Carter, Abby, Luka and Dave came up to a field of flowers, and they stopped right in front of them.

"Look!" Abby said, excited. "It's Emerald City!"

"We made it!" Luka jumped up and down as they stared at a beautiful crystal castle radiating with a green shine.

"It's just across the field, come on!" Carter said and him and Luka began to run down the field of poppies, Dave followed with Abby way behind.

"Come on, guys!" Luka yelled as he ran.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Dave said, upset. "This tail gets right into my crotch," he said struggling to run.

They made it to a small hill and Abby finally caught up with them.

"Come on, Abby, we're almost there," Luka said.

"Oh, I just feel so tired now," she said, breathing heavily.

"You can't stop now," Carter said.

"I'm tired too," Dave said.

"I just need to sleep for a second," Abby said and laid down on the field, falling asleep immediately, the dog next to her and Dave sleeping behind her.

"Abby," Luka said. "Abby wake up!" Luka said, trying to wake her.

"Oh, this is useless, we've come so far," Carter moaned.

"We have to carry them," Luka said. He bent down and tried to carry Abby, but it was useless. "The witch must have put a spell on them," he said.

"Oh, what are we going to do now?" Carter asked.

Suddenly, the image of Elizabeth appeared and she began to swirl her wand, making some flakes fall down.

Luka looked up, "It's coffee beans!" he said excited.

Abby opened her eyes, and so did Dave.

"It's working," Carter said.

"What happened?" Abby asked, out of it.

"The witch is right behind us, we have to go," Carter warned.

"We're almost there, Abby. Let's go," Luka said and took her arm. They walked down the field and continued their path to Emerald City.

The made it to the giant green door, and Abby rang the bell, excited. A moment passed and no one answered, so she rang the bell again.

Finally, a small hole on the door opened and a man peeked his head out, "What?" he asked, annoyed.

Abby looked up at him, "Frank! am I glad to see you, let us in?" she said.

Frank looked down at them, "Can't you read the sign?" he said.

"What sign?" they asked in unison.

Frank looked at the door, and saw no sign so he reached in and took out one, hanging it on a nail next to them, "This sign," he quipped and closed the hole he came out of.

They all looked at the sign, "Bell is broken, please knock" Abby, Carter, and Luka read.

Dave rolled his eyes, "We can all read to ourselves, you know," he said.

Abby knocked at the door, and Frank came out again, "Well, that's better," he said. "What do you want?"

"We've come to see the Wizard," Abby said.

"The Wizard," Frank asked incredulously.

"Yeah, the wizard, what are you deaf?" Dave said.

"No one can just walk into Emerald City like this, you need permission, and I need to do a background check first, go away!" he said and closed the door.

Everyone jumped back. "But, she has the slippers," Luka said.

Frank opened the hole again, "Oh! The slippers, well that's different. Come on in!" he said merrily and opened the door.

The four of them walked inside and stared at the castle, where everything was green. Frank came around with a carriage, "Come on!, and welcome to Emerald City!" he said.

Abby, Carter, Luka and Dave, got into the carriage, pulled by a purple horse. "Oh, I wish I had the number for animal control," Abby muttered and the carriage began to pull away as everyone began to sing yet again.

"Ha, ha, ha... Ho, ho, ho And a couple of tra - la - las. That's how we laugh the day away In the Merry Old Land of..." they kept singing.

Abby turned to Luka, "You still don't remember anything?" she asked, hopeful, but Luka was too busy laughing to the song.

They took them all into a parlor, fixed Abby's hair, stuffed Luka with better straw, polished Carter, and fixed Dave's hair into a beautiful array with a red bow.

Everyone finally stopped singing when there was an evil laugh. They all looking to the sky, where the witch was flying on her brace, scribbling some letters on the clouds.

The four of them huddled together, "It's the witch!" Luka said as they read the words 'Surrender Abby'.

People ran away hurriedly, "Who is Abby?" one asked as a man stood in front of them.

"There is nothing to worry about, go to your homes, the Wizard has everything under control," a man said as everyone dispersed.

Abby approached the man, "I need to see the Wizard," she said confidently.

"No one sees the Wizard!" he said.

"Oh, but we've come so far," Abby moaned.

"She's Abby," Carter said as he approached them,

The man looked at her suspiciously, "You're Abby?"

"Yes," Abby said, holding the dog in her arms.

"Hold on here," he said and walked through the doors.

Abby smiled, "Oh, we're going to see the Wizard, and I'll be able to go home!" she jumped up and down.

"And I'll get a family," Luka said.

"And I a girlfriend," Carter joined in.

"And I sensitivity... and a brain, and a heart," Dave added.

Everyone turned to Dave, and looked at him as if he should be doing something.

Dave looked back at them, "If you expect me to start singing you're out of your minds, I already feel gay enough with this perm and the bow in my head," he said.

The previous man came out, "The Wizard doesn't want to see you," he said and shut the door.

Abby stood there for a moment, then sat on the floor and began to cry, "Oh, I can't believe this," she moaned.

Carter and Luka knelt next to her, "Don't worry, Abby," Luka said and stroked her hair, "You can stay here, with us," he said.

"Yeah," Carter added, Dave just looked at them and rolled his eyes.

"You don't understand, I need to go home. I have to work to pay my bills, and I have to go to a meeting with Carter tonight, and I want to see Luka, and Dr. Weaver is going to fire me," she cried.

The man opened the door again, this time crying, "Oh, don't cry little girl, I know what it's like to lose your job, I was downsized last week myself, come on in," he said and opened the door for them to come in.

Abby wiped her tears and stood up, "Oh, thank you, thank you," she said to the man and walked in, followed by the other three men.

Inside, there was a long hallway, and the eerie silence made them all tremble.

Dave suddenly stopped, "You know what? I actually enjoy being a cold bastard," he said and turned around to leave, but Carter and Luka stopped him. They walked until they were face to face with the end of the path, in a chamber. There was a loud explosion like noise and a head with lustrous hair appeared in mid air.

"Who goes there?" it asked.

They all looked at each other, trying to figure out who would talk. Finally Abby took a step forward, "We came to see you, sir, because we each need something from you. I need to go back home, to Chicago," she said and the noise came back, making her jump back and run to hide behind the others.

"You, scarecrow, what do you want?" the Wizard asked.

Luka walked forward, "I-I came here because I need a family," he said and immediately walked back.

The head smoked, and another loud noise was heard, "Silence!" he yelled and they all jumped back, "I will grant your wishes," he said.

Everyone began to celebrate.

"But first!" he yelled. "You have to bring me the wicked witch's brace!" he finished.

Abby looked up, "You mean actually hunt her down and take her brace away from her?" she asked.

"Yes! Now go!" it yelled again and they all ran out of there.



The four walked into a dark and creepy forest, all holding hunting equipment. Dave walked up to Abby, "You know, Abby, you can always stay here, we'll build you a nice little house in the outsides of the city. I have a friend who just got divorced, he's not looking for something permanent, but I think you guys might hit it off," he said. "You know, the educational system here is great," he added.

"Shut up, Dave," Abby said.

"Where are we going to find this witch," Carter asked.

"Well, it says on that sign that this is the forest we have to walk through to get to her castle," Luka said.

"The sign also said we should keep out," Dave said.

"Too bad Dave, because we're doing this anyway," Abby said.



In a castle not too far away, Kerry stood in front of her crystal ball, staring at the image of the four hunters. "You're not getting very far," she laughed as three flying monkeys stood by the door, looking remarkably a lot like Mark, Deb, and Peter, "Fly!" Kerry said, "Fly! and bring the girl to me! Ahha Ha Ha Ha!" she said.



The wind began to blow fierce fully as in the sky, many flying monkeys appeared.

"What's that?" Carter asked, alarmed. It wasn't long before they all began to run.

One of the flying monkeys flew down next to Dave, and he reached Abby and threw her at them, "Here, take her," he said as another monkey came by and took the dog.

"Dave!" Abby protested and began to scream as the monkeys took her away.

Other monkeys came by and trampled Luka, mangled Carter, and then went after Dave.



Kerry looked out the window and then walked towards Abby, who was crying on the floor, with the dog in her hands. "Scared are you?"

Abby looked up, "You're not gonna get away with this. I'll talk to my nurse manager and she'll go to the hospital board and they're gonna fire your ass in a second," she raged.

Kerry laughed, "You know, I'll be willing to let you go, but you have to give me your slippers first," she said sneakily.

"Fine, take the stupid slippers, I don't care," Abby said.

Kerry went to take the slippers but they burned her hands away. "Ah!" she screamed. This gave the dog the opportunity to run out of the room and out the castle.

"Go after him!" Kerry yelled to one of the monkeys and then she turned to Abby, "That's right, for me to get those slippers, you're gonna have to die," she said and took a sand clock out, "You have one hour, and then you'll be dust," she yelled and walked out of the room, locking Abby in.

Abby began to cry and fell to the floor, as the sand inside the clock kept slipping down.



The dog ran hurriedly into the forest, where Dave and Carter were refilling Luka's straw. He began to bark at them.

"Look, it's the dog!" Luka said.

"I think he wants us to follow him," Carter said.

"Oh, please, guys, let's just go home. That chick is crazy, and she keeps calling us weird names," Dave said.

"You can go home if you want, lion, but I'm finding Abby," Luka said and began to run after the dog.

"Me too," Carter said also.

Dave rolled his eyes and chased after them, "Wait up," he yelled.

They poked their heads through some jagged rocks, and spotted the guardians of the castle, humming a weird song.

"We're never gonna make it," Dave said.

"We need to distract them," Luka said. "Lion, you make a diversion, and tin man and I will sneak in," he added.

Dave shook his head, "No-uh, you guys are crazy, they'll kill me," Dave said.

"Just hush and do it," Carter said, but it was too late as three guards spotted them and jumped them. Five minutes later, they walked from their hideout, wearing the guards' uniforms, and sneaking into the castle.

Once in, they followed the dog up some stairs, and Luka tried to get the door open, "Abby?"

Abby looked up, and ran towards the door, "Luka?! Is that you?" she called out.

"Hold on, Abby, we're getting you out of there," he said.

"I'll handle that," Carter said and used his axe to force the door open.

Once out, Abby ran to all of them and kissed each one of the men, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here, thank you, thank you," she cried.

"Yeah, that's great, but we have to get out of here now," Dave said.

Abby picked up the dog and they all began to run, only Kerry walked in in time and stopped them, throwing a ball of fire their way, and corning them with her soldiers. "Not so fast," she laughed. "Get them," she ordered her men.

They all ran out of there, and finally were cornered again in a small chamber. Kerry flew in, and stood in front of them. "Well, well, well. You think you were going to escape, didn't you. Now, I'll have to get you, once by one," she said with a laugh. She used an old broom, lit it on fire, and used it to burn Luka's arm.

Luka began to jump up and down, trying to extinguished the fire.

Abby took a bucket of water that was near, and threw it on his arm, but it mostly splashed Kerry, who began to smoke. "Oh! How could you, I'm melting, I'm melting. Brought down by a hick, ah!" she screamed, and finally melted down.

Everyone stood there, looking at the none existent body. Dave chuckled, "Wow," he said.

Abby looked form the floor, to the soldiers.

"You killed the witch," one of them said.

"Oh, I didn't mean to," Abby said.

"Man, you've been killing a lot of people lately," Dave said.

The soldier turned to the others, and they began to cheer.



Abby, Dave, Carter, and Luka walked into the Wizard's chamber, and Abby threw the brace on the floor in front of him, "Here's your brace."

The head looked down, "You killed the witch?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, now give us what you promised," Dave said.

"Quiet! You will not talk that way in front of the great Wizard!" he fumed.

Abby saw a curtain next to them, and walked over to open it and reveal a small man, talking into a speaker and handling many buttons and wheels. "That's very classy, Dr. Romano," she said.

He looked at her and dropped his head, "Ah, what the heck," he said in defeat.

Dave, Carter, and Luka walked up to them. "You're not a real Wizard?" Carter asked.

"What do you think?" Romano said. "I swear, one day I will move to a county with more intellectual specimens," he muttered.

"Does that mean we don't get what we want?" Luka asked.

Romano rolled his eyes, "God, I hate this part," he muttered. "Scarecrow, you don't need a family as long as you have friends; tin man, how about we remake you into a material which is less susceptible to rust? That way your girlfriends won't leave you rusted in the middle of the woods; and lion, you risked your life to save Abby, I think that's sensitive enough. As for the heart and the brain, you've lived your whole life without them, so what's to miss," he said.

Dave nodded, "True," he said.

Abby looked at him, "I don't suppose a speech will send me home, will it?" she asked, hopeful.

"Nope," Romano said merrily, "But I am in need of a wife. Here's my phone number," he gave her a card, "Call me," he winked and slapped her behind before walking away.

Abby saw him off and began to cry again, "Oh, no," she said and sat on the floor. "Now what am I gonna do," she asked.

"I don't know, Abby, but there's someone here who might help," Carter said in time to see a pink bubble hovering down from the sky.

Elizabeth's bubble burst, "Oh, bullocks, this corset is killing me," she muttered and looked at Abby, "What's wrong my dear?" she asked.

"I won't be able to go home," she cried.

"Can't you do something about it?" Luka asked.

"Abby, my dear, you have always have the ability to go home," she said.

Abby looked up, "What?" she asked, confused.

"Your slippers," Elizabeth said.

"You mean we went through all this trouble to get that brace and all she needed was those slippers?" Dave asked, annoyed.

Elizabeth widened her eyes, "You killed Kerry?" she asked.

"Yeah," Carter said.

"Oh," she said casually and looked at her nails, thinking of that affair she had with two of those flying monkeys, and how they turned against her when she dumped them. "Anyway," she suddenly jumped up. "All you need to do, it close your eyes, and say, 'There's no place like home', and then you'll go home."

Abby looked up, "Really? Back to Chicago?"

"Back to Chicago," Elizabeth said.

Abby looked at her three new friends, "Oh, Dave, thank you so much for your help," she said.

"Whatever," Dave said and walked away.

"Carter, I hope you find a good girl who will stick by you no matter what," she said and hugged him.

"Thanks Abby," he cried.

"And Luka," she moved in front of him, "I think I'm gonna miss you the most of all," she kissed his cheek and hugged him.

"Good luck, Abby," he said.

"Here, keep the dog," she gave it to Luka, "My landlord has a 'no animals' policy," she smiled and turned to Elizabeth. "Ok, I'm ready."

"Just close your eyes, tap your heels three times, and repeat, 'There's no place like home'," Elizabeth said as she waved her wand.

Abby did as she was told and began to say, "There's no place like home; There's no place like home...

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home," Abby muttered, lying on a hospital bed.

Luka leaned forward and stroked her hair.

"What's she saying?" Carter asked.

"I think she said 'Luka turns me on'" Dave joked.

"Shut up, Dave," Luka said and turned to Abby, "Abby," he called her, "Abby, wake up."

Abby opened her eyes slowly, and brought a hand to her head when she felt a horrible headache. She looked at Luka as though he was a stranger, "Where am I?" she asked.

"You slipped on the ice, remember?" Luka said.

"Don't worry, Abby, you can go home tonight if you want," Carter said and sat down on the other side of the bed.

Abby tried to stand up, but suddenly felt dizzy, so Luka laid her back down on the bed. "You were gone for a while," he joked.

Abby looked at him, "But I was gone! I was in this strange land, and it was horrible, but it had nice things too," she said, trying to convince them. "And you were there," she said to Luka and then turned to Dave and Carter, "And you, and you," she said.

Dave nodded, "Abby? Was this some kind of NC-17 dream?" he asked slyly.

"Ok, get out of here," Luka said and threw him out of the room, in time for Kerry to walk in.

"How's the happy patient doing?" she said with a smile and approached Abby.

Abby saw her and jumped back for a while, "Dr. Weaver, I'm so sorry I was late, I didn't mean to," she began to apologize.

Kerry held her hand up, "Abby, there's no need to be sorry for anything," she said warmly. "Why don't you get some rest and come back to work when you can," she said with a smile.

Abby smiled, "Thanks, Dr. Weaver."

Kerry reciprocated the smile and turned to Carter, "Carter, your patient in exam two needs more morphine," she said and walked out.

Carter nodded and turned to Abby, "Feel better, Abby," he said and walked out.

"Thanks," Abby muttered.

Luka looked at her, "I was very scared," he said sincerely.

Abby took his hand and kissed it, "Can I ask you something?" she said.

"What?" he asked.

"Never let me watch a movie until 2 am," she smiled as Luka laughed.



The End.