Burden Of Guilt
Part Three
By Kristen
kdarganin@hotmail.com

JC/PB/MG friendship

Last eppy seen "May Day" takes place afterwards with a few minor adjustments.

DISCLAIMOR: I don't own them, please don't sue.

ARCHIVE: Anywhere as long as my name is attached and you tell me.

NOTES: This story would not be possible with the help of my supper editors Lyss and Megan. They have provided me with a wealth of help and suggestions. Special thanks for her wonderful medical knowledge to Debbie. Also, to Sharon, Debbie, Cathy and to everyone who has supported me.

SUMMARY: Things don't go as planned on the way to Atlanta.

Not wanting to aggravate the younger man's broken bones; Peter lowered him back to a laying position on the floor. He let his hand linger on Carter's shoulder for his own comfort. Benton sat staring at the emptiness of the van, every once in a while checking Carter's pulse to reassure its steady rhythm.

The vehicle would be silent, but it was filled with the pounding of the storm outside. The rain was so heavy that it was hard for Benton to hear Carter's shallow breathing. He was alone without anywhere to go. Peter glanced down at his former student and wondered if that was how he had felt these past few months. They were in the mists of chaos, but trapped by a cruel reality. The world continued on its track oblivious to the drama inside the van.

Benton looked at the back door hoping Mark would come in with a solution to their situation. The surgeon tried to recall what it was that he missed these past months. He'd seen Carter in the halls or in the middle of the trauma. Of course he wasn't looking for anything. Things were back to normal, the staff had their lives to go forward with, and he had a budding relationship with Cleo.

Benton knew that you didn't look for trouble. John Carter was a doctor, a grown man. He did his job; taught him what was required. Sure he considered him a friend, but he also didn't seek the man out to hang out with on regular bases. The hospital was a kind of sanctum, but he had his son and Carla. The hospital wasn't a substitute family like it as for others. Like it was for the Carter, he thought.

Peter was trying to comprehend why he never let down his wall when he heard the faint sounds of footsteps. "Hey, Carter, you hear that man? That's Mark and I know help's going to be here soon. You got to wake up now, this isn't the time to take a nap." Peter told the unconscious doctor. He tired gently shaking his left shoulder, but there was no response. Peter was still trying to wake the younger man up when the back door opened sending a cold wave of air into the vehicle.

"Mark, shut the door it's finally warm in here." Peter said while adjusting Carter's suit jacket. Peter ignored the man as he settled down on the opposite side of their friend.

"I was able to get a signal out. What happened?" Mark asked by pointing at Carter. "Is he stable, Peter?" Mark got out his penlight and bent over to examine Carter's pupils once more.

"He's unconscious. What does it look like?" Peter grumbled. "When's help going to arrive? We need to get a CT done to rule a subtermal hematoma."

"Pupils still even, their very sluggish, though. God, I wish we could get a BP." Mark said while putting his light back into his soaked through shirt.

"Mark, who did you reach?" Peter asked impatiently.

"I got in touch with a fire station. I couldn't get through to a hospital. They going to send a couple of their EMT's when they get through the roads. There are many tress down..."

"How long, Mark?" Peter interrupted.

"They said an hour or two." Mark responded downcastedly. He didn't look up knowing the glare that he would receive.

"Damn it! We can't wait that long! He needs x-rays, a possible ex-lap, he could have re-injured..."

"Peter! Stop it!" Mark cut the man off. "We can not do anything right now. We have to face that. You don't think I'm worried? You don't think I feel just a little bit responsible about what happened tonight?" Mark calmed down when he saw Peter listening.

"I am the one that made the arrangements for him to go to Atlanta." Mark held up one finger. "I'm the one who didn't think the idea out enough. I was just going to hand him a ticket and hope for the best." Mark held up a second finger. "I'm the one who thought that driving at night and in the rain was a bright idea." Mark held a third finger. He wasn't asking for any forgiveness he just needed to let Peter know that he felt terrible stress and guilty as well.

"I'm not going to defend you in anyway, Mark. You're right. I think the whole intervention that was staged was poorly done. I don't think he was monitored properly when he returned to the hospital. He was overworked and he had no one to turn to. So, he turned to his pain medication" Peter's voice was in competition over the sound of the thunderstorm raging outside.

"There is plenty of blame to go around, Peter. I had no idea he was in that much pain. Did you? Hell, you were his surgeon! Then you turned over his care to someone else. Why did you do that, huh, Peter?"

The veins on Benton's face stood out, an indication of the tension the man was holding back. Peter took a deep breath and slowly answered the other doctor.

"I thought it was for the best to transfer his care to someone else. I kept tabs on him." He sat there, letting his last statement justify his actions.

"Why do you go after him in the parking lot, Peter?" Mark asked.

Taken aback, Benton let out an exaggerated sigh. "Because I could talk some sense into him."

"Because he respects you?" Mark asked.

"Yea, I guess." He replied tersely.

"Because you were his teacher." Mark said matter of factly.

Aggravated Peter said, "Yes, I was his teacher during both his rotations in the ER and when he thought he wanted to pursue surgery."

Mark shook his head as if disappointed with a child. "You can't admit it? Can you?"

Benton didn't reply he just rolled his eyes and tried to distract himself by adjusting Carter's suit jacket. Again.

"Peter, you are one gifted surgeon. You always seek out a challenge and you never back down from an argument. You can't handle something as simple as accepting or admitting friendship?"

"How I deal with people, Dr. Greene, is none of your business. Carter knows where I stand with him. He doesn't need to be coddled. We have had our differences in the past, but he understands."

"Maybe, maybe not. I've learned that if you open up to people then they open back up to you. When..." Mark wasn't allowed to finish.

"Dr. Greene, save your lectures for your own conscious, mine is fine." Peter told him without flinching.

"You could have fooled me, Peter. Mine is quite burdened right now, its down right driving me crazy. I was Carter's direct supervisor and I failed to do my job. I missed the signs of difficulties returning to work. I approached him, but I didn't force the issue. Maybe..."

"M-m-maybes don't get you anywhere, D-D-Dr. Greene." It was the subject of their conversation that kept Mark from unloading what was weighing on his mind. Both doctors hovered around their patient.

"You were gone there for a few minutes, Carter." Peter told the younger man. In a softer voice he added, "You had me worried." Benton glanced down at him and once again some form of silent communication was shared between both men.

Carter glanced up from his prone position on the floor. Both doctors looked like they were trying to keep something from him. The tension in the van was uncomfortable and Carter wondered if there was more going on to what he was lead on to believe. His vision was better since there were no more double images to have to contend with. The unmerciful pounding in his skull was playing havoc with his stomach, but he was trying to keep the nausea at bay. It was his chest and back that were keeping him from the confides of a deep sleep. He wished he were back to the silence of that void.

"G-g-god I thought the p-p-pain was bad when I was t-t-hrown off that gurney" Carter, groaned as he tried to take a deep breath. It was a bad idea. And all the doctor could do was lay in agony as he resumed the fruitless position of wrapping his arms around his broken ribs.

"What are you talking about? When were you thrown?" Peter asked upset that he was unaware of this little event.

Mark answered for the injured man, since he thought it was not a good idea for Carter to strain himself. "I told you about it, Peter." Mark also wanted to keep the conversation between him and the surgeon private. "Carter, was pummeled off a gurney during a hip reduction."

"Yea, well why were you allowed to do such a procedure in the first place? Who was supervising him?" Peter was outraged that Carter was participating in procedures that his body was not ready for. He knew that, why hadn't anyone else understood the terms for his recovery?

"Kerry, was there, but Carter insisted he was fine, Peter." Mark said defending his colleague.

Carter closed his eyes while the doctors continued their argument. They were discussing things about him as if he wasn't there. Making decisions and voicing opinions on things that he took great measures in avoiding. He spent so much energy in gaining acceptance and proving himself and there were still people doubting his choices.

"Hey!" He managed to yell. Carter tried to turn to his side to curl up somewhere from the pain lancing across his chest. Peter put his hands on his shoulder to restrain the movement.

"Don't move, Carter." Benton told him as he tried to keep the man's movements from adding to his problems.

Unable to fidget, Carter just lashed out what was going through his head. "It was my fault. Alright?" He took a shuddering breath and continued. "I-I-I just wanted to be normal. I-I-I wanted everything to be back t-t-t to normal." Carter gasped in pain, but he wouldn't let them keep him from talking about what was on his mind. Pressing a hand on his chest to subdue some of the anguish, he went on.

"It wasn't normal. I-I-I wasn't the same. I did that p-p-procedure just like I-I-I did all the others. In pain. That's why I t-t-took the Fenerly that day. It was the quickest solution. I acted on instinct." Carter's voice was shaking and the other two doctors tried to calm him down.

"Carter, its okay, you don't have to explain anything. We had a role in this too. We just might not want to admit it." Mark looked over at Peter who was awkwardly trying to add by squeezing the younger man's hand.

"We look out for each other. We're suppose to. But we failed to do that with you. The rest of us sought some sense of normalcy after the attack. In order to do that we continued on dealing with our daily lives. We should have been as involved in all aspects of your recovery. We weren't and I'm sorry." Mark felt relived by telling the younger doctor what had been burdening him since he discovered Carter was abusing narcotics.

Carter relaxed at Mark's words letting them sink in. He didn't think Mark had anything to feel guilty about. "Dr. Greene, there are some things we can't prevent. I----I couldn't s-s-save Lucy. You couldn't h-h-help me. Sometimes we need to -f-f-orgive ourselves." Carter closed his eyes, trying to come up with any additional energy to put Mark's mind at ease.

"I didn't learn that, till now. H-h-hearing you talk, sounded like my conscious. The voice of d-d-doubt eating away at me. I-I-I couldn't do anything to help Lucy. I g-g-guess that's why I just acted without th-th-thinking on the road." Carter slowly and methodically turned his head to look at Benton. He waited for the dizziness to subside. "That's why I pushed y-y-you out of the way. I-I- could do something in that split moment." He took another shallow breath. "I just wasn't fast enough." Carter couldn't help but chuckle at his inadequacies. He was always such a klutz when he was a student. It was ironic how things never changed.

Mark looked over at Benton. "That was reflex, Carter. You shouldn't feel guilty about caring about another person. I think actions speak louder then words and we all understand that."

"Yea, well I think I owe Dr. Benton one anyways." Carter said turning his head back to stare at the ceiling.

Peter released his grip on Carter's hand. "You didn't owe me anything, Carter. That was a real stupid thing you did." Benton could see his former student flinch at his strong words. "But, thank you."

Carter was surprised that Peter had actually said the words. There were so many things that had changed. "Dr. Benton, do you think I'll n-n-need another surgery?" Carter asked nervously.

Both doctors didn't want to raise hopes or lie to their patient. Peter spoke first. "I don't know Carter. There is some extensive bruising on your right side where the car hit you. I didn't see enough to indicate any internal bleeding, but you know we need x-rays." Peter told him.

"I don't want another surgery" Carter whispered. He didn't realize he spoken the words out loud. He didn't see the feelings of remorse and sadness that passed on his friends' faces. He knew one thing for sure and he would express his wishes now.

"When I go to the hospital, I don't want any pain medication." He said matter of factly.

"Carter, you're in a great deal of pain. I now what you're thinking and I know what you've been through, but..."

"No more. Dr. Greene, I-I-I don't want any administered." Carter could see the doubt on Mark's face. Knowing the battle of emotions going on, Carter turned to the man he knew wouldn't have the same conflictions.

"Dr. Benton, don't let them g-g-give me anything.--- Please." Carter's voice was faltering.

"Okay, Carter." He solemnly replied.

Peter nodded his head, not wanting to argue with his friend. What Carter didn't know was that honestly didn't think he could keep his promise.