The Eternal Quadrangle
Part Fiftteen
By Cathy Roberts & Scott J. Welles
huntersglenn@yahoo.com

This is in response to Ellen's challenge for a Luka
Kovac/Abby Lockhart/John Carter/Kerry Weaver story. We
don't own these characters, Warner Brothers has that
honor -- We're only borrowing them and not making any
money from the borrowing. This is rated NC-17 for
slash and adult content, and definitely has spoilers
for the current season.

Now, on with the story:



John lay on his back, his eyes focused on the paint
swirls of Abby's ceiling while his body responded on
its own to what Luka's mouth was doing to him. For
some reason, John just couldn't get his body and mind
in sync this morning. He had been awakened by Abby's
goodbye kiss as she left for work, and even as Abby was
leaving the bedroom, John had felt Luka's arms encircle
his body, pulling him near.

"I don't have to be in until six, how about you?" Luka
asked as he began to nuzzle John's neck.

"I think you know we're on the same schedule, Luka,"
John had replied as he turned his head for a good
morning kiss. A kiss that left him feeling more cold
than hot. And John had no idea why that was. The
night before, both in the old theater and then after
they returned to the apartment, the sex had been hot
and passionate. But not this morning.

Something had changed overnight, John thought, and he
struggled to decipher just what had changed. But
nothing came to mind. There had been no cross words or
innuendoes, no misdeeds or fumblings. The sex had been
incredible. The one thing it had not been, at least
for John, was fulfilling. It had not been the way it
had been the first time he had been with Luka, or the
first time he had been with Luka and Abby together.

Maybe it wasn't that something had changed, but rather
that someone had. Even as his body shook from the
tremors of his orgasm, John still didn't feel quite
'connected' to Luka the way he had before. Only his
body was involved in what Luka was doing and not his
heart and mind. John hated feeling that way, hated the
idea of shortchanging Luka on something so important as
making love. And then John's breath was taken away as
he realized the truth -- there was no lovemaking
happening here. It was sex, and only sex. Luka cared
about him as a friend and that was it. There was no
love. And John didn't love Luka in that way, either.

He loved Kerry. And Kerry didn't love him. She only
wanted sex, something that he couldn't and wouldn't
settle for with her. John wanted to make love to Kerry
again, watch the stars burst in her eyes as he made her
come over and over again. Listen to the staccato
beating of her heart as her orgasm raced through her
body, leaving her breathless and like jelly under his
hands. He wanted Kerry to see, hear and feel those
same things as he came for her.

But that wasn't going to happen.

And this, being here with Luka and Abby, well, it was
just wrong. With no love, it was wrong. If he
wouldn't settle for it from Kerry, then why was he
settling for it from them? Yet, they had been so kind
and considerate with him. They had saved him the other
night, kept him from backsliding in a big way. How
could he tell them 'no' now? Abby was practically
giddy over her plans for the four of them to get
together, John could easily wait until that had
happened before he told them that he couldn't do this
any more. That he didn't want to have meaningless sex.

"Hey? Are you here?" Luka's soft voice broke into
John's thoughts. Luka was now beside him on the bed,
one hand tenderly resting on John's stomach.

"Sorry. I got a little lost." He automatically
reached out and stroked Luka's erection. "So, you
ready to do something about this?"

Luka grinned. "More than ready. Are you ready for
me?"

John nodded, then he rolled over to his stomach and
spread his legs to give Luka room. He knew that this
wasn't Luka's favorite position for sex. Luka
preferred for them to be able to look each other in the
eyes. But John didn't want Luka to be looking down
into a face devoid of emotion, so this was best. John
raised up on his hands and knees, bracing himself for
the jolt of the cold gel while mentally readying
himself to go through the motions.



Some days, Abby thought, all you do is go through the
motions.

It was exactly that kind of day today: lots of work,
but nothing to write home about. No major traumas, no
particularly memorable or exciting events, but lots of
little stuff that kept you busy. Haleh had assigned
her to take inventory today, one of those jobs that no
one wanted to do, but it had to be done. And Abby,
being the new nurse, and therefore lowest on the totem
pole, got picked.

For a while, she'd been concerned that Haleh had
something against her, since she always seemed to be
surly and brusque whenever she spoke to Abby.
Particularly since the abrupt truncation of her med
student days and her return to full-time nursing.
However, Chuny had confided in her that Haleh was extra
tough on everyone lately, as part of her adjustment to
doing Carol Hathaway's old job. So Abby tried not to
take it too personally. It helped that, a few days
before the basement incident, Haleh had brought some
pictures of her son's latest school play to show the
other nurses, and she'd passed them around to Abby same
as everyone else. Yosh and Lydia and Lily made the
usual oohs and ahhs that were expected, but Abby just
enjoyed feeling like one of the gang for once.

A couple of patients with multiple compound fractures
came in, requiring Abby's attention along with
Malucci's and Chen's, but it was more a source of
ridicule than tragedy; two guys were out drinking and
discussing the possibility of going skydiving on their
next vacation. One man, trying to describe the correct
way to roll with the landing, had jumped off a balcony,
thus breaking both legs. The second guy, equally
drunk, had criticized his technique and tried to
demonstrate the right form...and there went two more
legs. Apparently, those who didn't learn from the
mistakes of idiocy were condemned to repeat them.
Thank God she didn't drink anymore.

Aside from this bit of nonsense, the day went by
unremarkably. Around noon, Abby caught a bite to eat
in the cafeteria, and then, having a few minutes left
over, decided to call Luka...



"Mmlph?" Luka forced down a mouthful of chicken and
tried again. "Hello?"

"Are you eating something?" came Abby's voice.

"Yes, just some leftovers," he replied, pleased as
always to hear his favorite voice. "How are you
doing?"

"Ohh, just don't ask. One of those days when there's
so many little things to make you mad, and you know
that none of them are really worth getting mad about,
which just makes you madder..."

"In other words, the usual."

"Right." He could hear her smile tiredly through the
phone. Don't ask how, he just knew she was smiling.
He always could. "Is John still there with you?"

"No, he went home to change. Why, did you want to talk
to him?"

"No, just curious how he was feeling about things."

Luka said that John had seemed fine, and they hung up
shortly after, but in his own mind, he was less than
certain. Sex with him that morning hadn't been
entirely what Luka expected. John hadn't refused to do
anything, but...it was like he wasn't really into it as
much as before. Like he was doing things that were
expected of him, rather than things he wanted to do.
That had concerned Luka; he obviously didn't want to
force himself on anyone. But when he'd asked John if
anything was wrong, the younger man had just said no,
everything was fine, he was just tired or something.
Luka could understand that, given how active the three
of them had been last night. But he also sensed there
was more to it than that. But what?

Maybe it had something to do with the literature John
had been reading when Luka came out of the shower.
He'd found John sitting at the breakfast table - right
where Kerry Weaver had sat the night after they made
love to her - reading the written works those people at
the church meeting had passed out to them as they
left. Luka had just pocketed his without paying much
attention to them at the time, more intent on
continuing things with John and Abby once they got
home, but John seemed to be intrigued by what he was
reading. Although Luka hadn't had much use for
religion in several years, his recent friendship with
the Bishop had made him acknowledge the need for faith
in one form or another. And he knew that the support
groups Abby and John belonged to made references to God
and prayer at times. Regardless of particular
religious beliefs, Luka could see how, as a source of
comfort and guidance, it could be of use in anyone's
life.

Looking around for his coat, and the literature stuffed
into its pocket, Luka thought maybe he'd take a look at
it himself and see what had the young resident so
thoughtful...



It was midmorning before Abby found herself alone in a
room with Kerry. They were both in the drug lock-up,
and Abby made sure no one was near.

"I need you to keep next Friday night open," she said
as she checked off another box on her inventory sheet.

Kerry's eyebrows raised. "Oh? And what would this be
for?"

"How quickly we forget." Abby grinned. "John said
'yes', so the four of us can get together then. If I
remember the schedule correctly, Mark is the Attending
set to work that evening. And John is off that whole
day. So, that just leaves you to make sure that you're
not working that night."

"Oh...right." Kerry had been so sure that John would
turn down Abby's offer of a foursome and now she found
herself faced with the reality of it. She wasn't sure
what to feel. It would be wonderful to be with John
once again, but after the way he had been so adamant
about not wanting sex without love, how would he react?

"It'll be at my place, eight o'clock. And you don't
need to bring anything except yourself, okay?" Abby
said.

Kerry nodded and excused herself, still not trusting
herself to say too much. She had a little over a week
to get herself mentally and emotionally prepared to see
John again. Would it be enough time?

The rest of the day she had the strangest feeling that
people were stealing glances at her whenever she walked
through the ER. Nothing she could be certain of, just
that tingling feeling on the back of her neck, or the
way people seemed quick to turn away from her just as
she met their gaze. Like they'd been staring at her
moments before.

Did they know? Had Abby or Luka let something slip?
Or John?

After the fourth time it happened, she turned to the
small group gathered at the admit desk and snapped,
"All right, what is it?"

They presented her with looks of fake innocence. "Uhh,
what's what?" Malik asked in response.

"I ask a question and I get a question in return. Who
are you, Socrates?" Kerry glared at them, all looking
guiltily back at her. Except Randi, who ignored the
whole thing, reading her magazine and chewing her gum.
"What's going on?"

There was some hemming and hawing and shuffling of
feet.

Singling out the one person she felt was most likely to
be up to no good - as well as the one person who could
never entirely escape her wrath - she growled,
"Malucci...?"

Sure enough, he caved in. "Okay, don't get mad, Chief,
but we were just saying... Well, there's this woman on
that new game show who looks just like..."

"Don't do it, man," Malik muttered under his breath.
"Don't be a hero."

"Okay, here, I'll prove it." Dave grabbed a piece of
paper and a pencil and quickly scribbled a few words on
it, then handed it to Kerry. "Just do me a favor? Say
this one time, Chief."

Kerry glanced at the words he'd written, and exhaled in
a mixture of relief and disgust. Relief that it had
nothing to do with her upcoming four-way date, and
disgust because these people had nothing better to do.
"Grow up, willya, Dave?" She crumpled the paper and
tossed it in the trash. "Okay, back to work,
everybody. And Malik, stop encouraging him!"

"Hey, I had nothing to do with it...!" the nurse
protested as he went on his way.

When everyone had departed, Randi fished the paper out
of the trash and unfolded it curiously. " 'You are the
weakest link, goodbye'?" she read aloud, scowling.
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"



Days passed, as days do. Although they saw a good deal
of each other in the course of their working shifts,
all four people had little interaction on a personal
level. It was as if each one were keeping his or her
distance from the others, holding back in anticipation
of the final togetherness that lay in store. The calm,
as it were, before the storm.

John Carter spent most of his free time at his
grandmother's house, either with her or on his own. He
seemed motivated when working, but otherwise quiet and
subdued - neither cheerful nor depressed, but merely
thoughtful. Almost contemplative. He took drug tests
as required, without complaint, and passed each one.
Mark spoke briefly with him on a couple of occasions,
telling him how pleased everyone was with his progress
and assuring him that the hospital management's
confidence in him was high. Kerry was apparently
unavailable to join them for those meetings.

Abby Lockhart went to meetings, but her schedule and
John's differed enough that they were unable to go
together. She saw him in passing, exchanging only a
few words of general pleasantry, just enough to assure
herself that he seemed well. She debated about whether
to prepare a real meal for everyone that night, or
maybe just coffee and snacks. She wasn't used to
playing hostess for any real gatherings of people, but
felt a certain pride in having been the one who
initiated this gathering of her closest friends and
lovers.

Luka Kovac got stuck with the night shifts for a few
days, so he and Abby saw little of each other - it was
the price he paid for arranging a day off at the same
time as three particular other staff members. It
wasn't the lack of sex during these days that bothered
him, as he'd gone several years in celibacy following
his wife's death, and he knew it would only be a few
days before he had a chance to enjoy three different
people at once. What concerned him was the emotional
distance that had suddenly developed between John and
himself, even in their few private moments together at
work. The church literature didn't enlighten him much
- he'd tried to read it, but couldn't really get into
it, and ended up skimming it without much sense of its
importance. He could only hope that John's general
withdrawal was only temporary. For his own sake more
than anyone else's.

Kerry Weaver became more brusque and businesslike than
usual, more so with each day that brought her closer to
the gathering. But on the inside, she felt more and
more anxious with each passing hour. Less like an
experienced, well-traveled medical expert than a young
girl looking forward to a school dance with her big
crush. Sex with either Luka Kovac or Abby Lockhart
would be worth looking forward to, let alone both
together. But the prospect of once again making love
with John Carter... that thought alone filled her with
a unique and lovely glow.

The only question was whether he would feel the same
way after their parting. Could he get past the fact
that she didn't love him? Or would he foolishly
subscribe to Abby's insistent notion that she did? Was
that why he had agreed to the foursome, because she'd
convinced him that Kerry had lied to him about her lack
of love?

Had she?

Following the loss of an elderly patient whose heart
had finally given up the ghost, Kerry watched from a
distance as a man in his forties held a woman of
similar age, perhaps a wife or sister, as she cried.
It sent Kerry into a memory that she secretly
treasured, but rarely allowed herself to indulge in - a
night when John had come home to find her crying in the
living room. It was shortly after he'd first moved
into the basement, and the strangeness of living with
someone from work still hovered between them. She
couldn't recall what had prompted the crying jag -
maybe job stress, maybe loneliness, who could
remember? But he'd caught her with her guard down, and
she couldn't hide her tears. Instead of asking
questions or excusing himself awkwardly, he did exactly
the right thing and just held her without a word,
letting her cry it out. When she was finished, she'd
just whispered, "Thanks," and went to bed, and they'd
never spoken of it again.

That, more than anything, was what Kerry missed about
John. The simple, undemanding love he'd shown her.
Sexual partners might come and go, but it was that sort
of connection that made her...made her...

She couldn't say it. Not even silently, to herself.
Michael had really done a number on her, sabotaging her
relationships even now.

But even if she couldn't say it, or even think it, she
knew. Now, at last, she knew.

"Dr. Weaver?"

If anyone else had interrupted her musings, she might
have jumped, startled. But his voice blended
seamlessly into her thoughts. "Carter. Hi, what do
you need?"

"I got Mrs. Lansing admitted to Neuro," John said, his
face tired without being really weary or run-down.
"But they said they needed your authorization for it.
Something about her coverage?"

"Okay, I'll talk to them." She smiled. "That was a
good call on her case, John. A lot of people would
have missed that."

"Thank you." He returned her smile, meeting her eyes
directly for what felt like the first time in weeks.
The way they'd met their first night together. There
was a long, pregnant pause...

Carter's pager went off, breaking the mood. He checked
it and sighed. "Ahh, it's that abdominal case. I told
them to page me when his labs were back."

"Well, you'd probably better get to it, then," she said
easily. "And I should get back to my files..."

"Okay." He paused before turning to leave, looking at
her once more, and she saw something in his eyes.
"Thanks, Kerry," he said, and left.

He'd reached a decision. She could see that, and even
without knowing what it was, she felt happy for him.
The same kind of happiness she'd felt when Peter Benton
called, saying John had checked into Atlanta, but
without the crushing despair that accompanies such sad
circumstances. All she felt now was a sudden sense
that John would be all right now that he'd made his
choice.

In that instant, she knew she'd made her own choice,
too.



Tonight was the night.

After much consideration and considerable waffling,
Abby had elected to forego a big dinner or whatever and
just have food on hand in case anyone got hungry as
things went on. Some cold cuts and such, maybe. Then
there'd been her inner debate about music - should she
put some on the stereo, or would that be too hokey?
And if she did, what to put on? Light jazz, symphony,
easy listening or new age? She finally solved the
problem by stacking a selection of tapes by the stereo
and deciding she'd ask Kerry to choose something when
she arrived. Having seen from her evening at Kerry's
house that she had a CD collection to die for, Abby
guessed she'd have the best judgment in musical tastes
of the four of them.

Strangely, dithering over these kinds of details was a
source of fun for Abby, rather than stress or tension.
It was all coming together at last, just like she'd
planned. All four of them at once. Two men, two
women, one room, no rules. That's entertainment.

She was still smiling to herself, alternately giggling
and humming when she heard the knocking at her
apartment door.

Abby was surprised to open the door and see John
standing there. He and Kerry weren't supposed to be
there for another two hours yet. "John, hi, come on
in. You're a bit early."

John entered the apartment, then took a deep breath. "I
came by to explain to you why I won't be here tonight.
Or any other night, Abby."

"You won't...?" Abby blinked several times as John's
words sunk in. Then she shook her head. "What's
wrong? Has something happened?"

John nodded. "Yeah, something's happened. Can we sit
down?"

"Sure." Abby closed the door, then joined John on the
couch. He had taken off his coat and was trying his
best to look relaxed, but she could tell he was
nervous. "Do you want something to drink? Soda?
Water? Coffee?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine. Abby...I've been doing a
lot of thinking since the other night when we had sex
after the AA meeting. It was impulsive of me to agree
to the foursome. I was overcome by the idea of being
here with Kerry and you and Luka, but it's not right.
Remember the literature they gave us that night? The
biography of St. Augustine?"

"Vaguely. I threw my copy out, but Luka was reading
his, I think." A wave of impatience and irritation
flashed through her as this unexpected development, but
she forced it down. "What does that have to do with
tonight? Are you suddenly becoming religious on me,
John?"

"Not really. I mean, I believe in God and all that,
but this isn't about sin, Abby. It's about love. True
love. You see, even though St. Augustine did
everything his mother wanted, lived his life for her,
he still had a true love. He had an affair that last
nearly 15 years, Abby. He kept a mistress by his side,
even while he was writing and growing strong. But he
never managed to do what his mother wanted him most to
do -- and that was to devote his entire life to the
church. And that was because he had this true love
with him, a woman who was the mother of his child. So
finally it came down to getting married, a compromise
his mother endorsed. But the woman left. We don't
know why -- the biographer doesn't know why. History
didn't even bother to record her name, as if she never
mattered. But she did matter, Abby. She mattered a
lot. She left St. Augustine and her son and went back
home. And once true love was out of his life, St.
Augustine had nothing there to distract him. He was
able to give his full attention to God and the church.
There was no casual sex for him, no parties, no
orgies. Nothing like that. No seeking out a woman to
take her place. Once his true love was gone, that was
it for him."

Abby pursed her lips as she listened to John, trying to
quell her disappointment and read between the lines of
what he was saying. "So, you're telling me that you've
decided to devote your entire life to medicine now?"

John shook his head. "No. I guess I'm not telling
this very well. What I'm trying to say, Abby, is that
sex without love is meaningless to me. I mean, I care
about you and Luka. You've been great friends to me
and I love you like friends. But that's as far as it
goes. I don't feel about you the way I feel about
Kerry. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
And she doesn't feel that way about me. For me to come
here tonight, knowing she feels that way...well, it
would be empty for me, Abby. And I'm so damn tired of
feeling empty. For a while there, I didn't feel empty
with Kerry. I guess that the imagination can overcome
a lot, because I really believed that she cared for
me. That she loved me the same way I love her. I was
obviously wrong."

John took another deep breath. "I don't want sex,
Abby. I want to make love. And I can't do that unless
Kerry is making love to me." He shook his head,
smiling. "The sex with you and Luka is great, but it's
not enough. And I don't want to waste my life away by
accepting things that aren't enough. If I can't have
true love, then I don't want any of it. Now, I don't
know if that means I'll end up celibate my whole life.
Probably not." He laughed at that idea. "But it does
mean that I will not have casual sex. The next time I
have sex, it will be so much more than sex, Abby. I
want to make love to a person I love. I want to feel
the love emanating from that person. I don't know if
that will happen with a woman or a man. Being with
Luka has opened up new avenues for me, that's for
sure. But, I do know that it will be a while before
I'm ready to go out looking. I'm going to take my
time, let my spirit heal a bit before I go looking for
a person, be it man or woman, to take the place of
Kerry in my heart."

John got to his feet and grabbed his coat. "I'm sorry
if this ruins your plans, Abby. But there's just no
way that I can be here tonight."

Abby nodded mutely, then got to her feet to walk him to
the door. "I'll try to explain that to Kerry and
Luka." Kerry was still at work, and Abby had
dispatched Luka to pick up a deli spread for their
gathering, so she had a while to figure out a way to
tell them both what John had told her.

At the door, Abby reached up and gently touched John's
cheek. "Are you sure you're okay with this? We don't
want you to be alone." Please change your mind, she
thought silently. Don't walk away now, when we're so
close...

John clasped Abby's hand, holding it next to his cheek
for a bit and then kissing it before letting go. "I'm
not alone, Abby. I have friends who care, and that
means a lot to me. I'll be fine. I really will be. I
will always treasure my memories of being with you and
Luka, but I don't want to make new ones. Please don't
take that as a rejection of you two, because it's not.
It's just that I'm looking for so much more, and
neither one of you can give me what I need, what I
want, right now." John leaned down and tenderly kissed
Abby on the mouth. "I'll see you around, right?"

Abby nodded, trying to put a brave face on it. "Of
course. The only thing that's changed between us is
that there'll be no more sex, right?" She asked,
hopeful that their friendship would continue. However
John's choice might affect her personal plans, she knew
that there was no question of arguing with him. She
had to support him, as a sponsor or as a friend.

"You bet." John smiled, then turned and walked toward
the elevator, not daring to look back at Abby. He
really did feel at peace with his decision. If there
was no love, then there was no reason for the sex. It
was a simple decision and one he should have made a
long time ago, although when he was honest with himself
he couldn't deny that he had enjoyed the sex. But it
had been the feelings of friendship that had made the
sex so special.

Now, if only he could find a woman who would love him
in the same way he loved her, then he would be truly
happy. At one time he had thought that woman was Kerry
Weaver, but he had been wrong. So, he would take the
time to let his emotional wounds heal and then he would
be ready to find that love. He deserved it.

End of Part 15