Hijinks
By Scott J. Welles
scottjwelles@yahoo.com

ARCHIVE: Yes, but please write and tell me where.
CATEGORY: f/f Slash...sort of.
SPOILERS: None
RATING: NC-17 (perhaps not, but just to be safe...)

DISCLAIMER: All "ER" characters and institutions are the property of Warner Bros., ConstantC Productions and Amblin Television. This is written strictly for entertainment value, no infringement of copyright or ownership is intended, and nobody is making a profit on this piece. As always, any errors in continuity, characterization, or common sense are entirely my own fault.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Scotty Says:
Never thought I'd be writing a story featuring my least favorite character, but the idea was too good to pass up!

SEND ALL COMMENTS (positive or negative) to scottjwelles@yahoo.com



"Man, I'm on a hot streak tonight," Dave Malucci declared tiredly, dropping off his latest chart. "Anything new goin' on? I gotta get some rest."

Randi shrugged. "Not much. Oh, Weaver wanted you to take the guy in Exam Two."

Dave looked at her. "Why me? Where's everyone else?"

"Dunno. Greene's in Three with the chest pains, Weaver's in a meeting, and I don't know where Chen's gotten to."

"How about Abby? Can she take a look?"

"Not sure where she is either." The clerk never looked up from her newspaper.

"Well, can you page her or somethin'? Or Chen? I mean, why should I pick up their slack just 'cause they're goofing off?"

Randi looked up at him disdainfully. "Weaver said you should look at the guy personally. Said his case is right up your alley."

Dave grunted. "Fine, just lemme get some coffee..." He took the chart without looking at it, and shuffled toward the lounge.

A few moments later, he headed glumly for Exam Two, a steaming mug of black coffee in his free hand. He grumbled a few imprecations as he went. Like to hear Jing-Mei Chen try and explain her excuse for not being available, he thought. In fact he could almost hear her voice now.

"...oh god, that feels so good..."

Dave stopped in his tracks. That was Chen's voice!

"Yes, right there...deeper..."

He glanced around, trying to locate the source of her breathy tone. It appeared to be coming from behind the closed door of the suture room.

"God, baby, I love this...ohhh, yeah, more..."

What the hell was going on in there? Was she getting laid or something? Unable to resist, he leaned his ear closer to the door.

"Yes, sweetie, I'm coming...! Aahh...AHHhhh...oh, damn, that was good..."

Dave heard her sighs become wet and muffled, as though Chen was enjoying a deep french kiss. Jesus, the nerve on her, he thought angrily. She's screwing some guy, right here in the hospital, when there's work to be done...and it wasn't him!

He heard her voice again. "Thank you so much, I really needed that."

"Don't thank me, I've wanted to do that since I first met you."

Dave nearly dropped his coffee in shock as he recognized the other person's voice!

"Abby, you never said anything. I didn't know..."

"It's not something I advertise," Lockhart's voice replied. "It's one of the main reasons I got divorced, because I started to realize..."

"I thought so. I mean, everyone could tell..."

Oh, yeah, sure! Dave thought.

"...but I didn't know you were attracted to me, or I'd have done something about it long ago."

"Jing-Mei, are you kidding? Malucci hits on you all the time, and you don't give him the time of day."

Yeah, what's up with that? Dave thought.

"That's different. A guy like Malucci will hit on anything female and alive. You saw how he drooled over me that time, even while he was coming onto you..."

"I don't blame him. When you came in wearing that gown, I was attracted to you myself. Besides, I've always had a thing for Asian women..."

Join the club, thought Dave.

"Well..." Chen's voice became sultrier as she spoke. "This Asian woman's got a thing for you, too. C'mere, sexy..."

There was the faint sound of more kissing. "Mmm, yeah..." Lockhart's voice whispered.

Christ on a cracker, they were gonna do it again! Dave pressed his ear up against the door, wishing he could see inside the room and trying to adjust his pants to accommodate his erection more comfortably.

He heard something unzipping...cloth rustling...

"Oh, Abby, your breasts are so perfect..."

"Please. I wish I had your body..."

"You just had my body, remember?"

"You know what I mea- unhh, yes, kiss me there..."

God, what I wouldn't do for X-Ray Vision right now, Dave thought, stifling a groan of frustrated excitement!

"Suck them harder...faster...ohh, I'm so hot right now..."

Wet suckling noises accompanied Lockhart's soft cries of ecstasy.

"Lower...I need it now, so badly..."

"Not so fast, lover, I want to make this last," Chen admonished her.

Dave thought, oh god, yes, so do I! The hardness in his shorts was almost painful.

Lockhart let out a squeal as Chen did something different. "My god, Jing-Mei, where did you learn...ohhh, uhmmm..."

"Sshhh, let me..."

Chen's muffled noises quickened, and Lockhart's panting and moaning escalated, growing louder.  "God, yes, I love this! Aaahhhhh...."

Dave squirmed, feeling like he was about to explode! Every impulse he had screamed at him to go into the room and dive in between them, but he didn't want to do anything that might risk breaking the mood before things reached a climax. Literally.

"Abby, you taste so incredible...!"

"God damn, Jing-Mei, you're going to make me come...!!"

Dave thought, me too! Unable to endure it any longer, he reached for the knob...

"MALUCCI!!"

He jumped, dropping the chart and spilling hot coffee on himself. He yelped, his voice higher than usual, gritted his teeth against the pain, and looked guiltily around to see who had called his name.

"Jesus, what the hell are you doing, lurking around in the hallway?!" Randi yelled at him. "Weaver's looking all over for you, and man, is she pissed! Your patient's been waiting for you, and he's taking it out on her!"

Dave sputtered, trying to come up with a reply. His erection disappeared faster than one of his paychecks.

"You better get your ass over there now, before she fires it!"

He glanced helplessly at the closed door, from which the sounds of hot lesbian sex still emanated. "But..."

"NOW!!!"

Dave scooped up the chart and retreated down the hall, unable to stop himself from letting out a little whimper.

Randi watched him go, then looked at the suture room door. She listened briefly to the orgiastic noises, then turned the knob and opened the door.

Abby Lockhart, fully dressed, was sitting on the couch, idly reading a magazine while moaning and gasping like a woman in the full throes of orgasm. Jing-Mei Chen,also dressed, leaned against the opposite counter, kissing and sucking the palm of her own left hand and doodling on a notepad with her right.

"He's gone," Randi told the two women.

They looked at her, dropping the act. "How was his face?" Jing-Mei asked.

Randi grinned. "Priceless. Wish you coulda seen it."

The two women stood and high-fived, the first actual physical contact between them all night. "Yes!" Abby exclaimed.

"I told you we could get him," Jing-Mei told her with a smug grin of her own. "Men like him, it's just too easy to mess with their heads. Thanks for the help, Randi."

"My pleasure. Teach him to call me 'Betsy'."

"What's the case in Exam Two?" Abby asked.

"Hemorrhoids."

"Perfect." Jing-Mei gathered her files and notepad, preparing to get back to work. "So who should we pull this on next? Kovac? Carter? Malik?"

"Nah, not Carter," Abby said. "He seems like a nice guy."

"You should have seen him a student," Jing-Mei insisted. "Beside, I owe him for that gag with the nails..."

Randi shook her head, watching the two women return to work. What people wouldn't do for a laugh around this place...