Hiccups
Part One
By Scott J. Welles
scottjwelles@yahoo.com

ARCHIVE: Yes, but please write and tell me where.
CATEGORY: f/f Slash
SPOILERS: Takes place right after "Rock, Scissors, Paper:
RATING: NC-17 (where's the fun in G Slash???)
SUMMARY: What might have happened next.
DISCLAIMER: All "ER" characters and institutions are the property of Warner Bros., ConstantC Productions and Amblin Television. This is written strictly for entertainment value, no infringement of copyright or ownership is intended, and nobody is making a profit on this piece. As always, any errors in continuity, characterization, or common sense are entirely my own fault.
SEND ALL COMMENTS (positive or negative) to scottjwelles@yahoo.com

"I'd like you to stay..."

The graceful, dignified exit that Kim had envisioned was thrown off completely by those few, quietly spoken words. The loveliness of Kerry's face had struck her many times in passing, but she'd never felt the force of her gaze so powerfully as she did now.

Kerry's eyes lingered on hers, searching, then she leaned forward, almost imperceptibly...

It was Kim's turn to pull back, this time. "I can't," she said. "I can't do this, Kerry." And she turned away with whatever dignity she had left. The cold air outside Doc Magoo's bit her cruelly as she stepped out of its doors, striding away from the warmth behind her.

"Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?!" said the voice behind her. She turned to see that Kerry had followed her outside the diner. "We were so happy together once, Kim. Is it so hard to be close to me now?"

Kim sighed. Apparently, this wasn't going to be as easy as she'd hoped. "How close, Kerry? That's the problem. We've been over this before. What's too close for one of us is not close enough for the other..."

"Kim..."

"I know you want to keep me as a friend, Kerry, and I'd like that too, but it's not that simple. I know when my feelings can be ignored and when they can't. It's important that I put some distance between us."

Kerry swallowed and looked away.

The misery on her face was like a jagged sliver of glass in Kim's gut. She retraced her steps to where Kerry was standing. "Kerry...try to imagine what it's like for gay people, even today. Things have improved for us, but much of society still wants us kept out of sight and out of mind. Sometimes it feels like you're in prison for something that's not your fault. Like it's okay for you to exist, as long as you're kept apart from everyone else."

"Kim, have I ever treated you badly because you were gay?"

"Not badly, but differently. You become uncomfortable whenever it's brought up. You have nothing against it as long as you don't have to be reminded of it."

"I'm sorry, I've never meant to make you feel that way."

"It's not your fault, Kerry, I'm used to it from most people."

"But not me?"

Kim paused, making sure she phrased it just right. "By the same analogy, what if the prison gates were opened, but you weren't allowed to walk through them? How would it feel to be so close to the free world, able to look right out and see what you love, but never be able to touch it?" She blinked away a tear. "That's what it's like for me, Kerry, trying to be just friends with you."

Kerry touched her arm. "Kim..."

She stepped back, away from Kerry's touch. "It's not going to work, Kerry. My feelings for you are too strong. I can't keep them within your boundaries or parameters..."

"I'm not asking you to!" Kerry suddenly broke in. "Kim, I've never asked you to restrain or limit how you felt about me."

"Not in words, but in your behavior. You pulled back when I kissed you..."

"You took me by surprise then," Kerry stated softly. "I'm not pulling back now."

Kim looked at her carefully. "What are you saying, Kerry? What do you see happening here?"

"I don't know," Kerry told her. "I don't know what I want, except that I want to be with you."

"Even if that means going to bed with me?"

She paused. "If that's what you want."

Kim felt a moment's desire, but it was quickly replaced by anger. "If that's what I want," she repeated. "No, that doesn't work, Kerry. If it's not something we both want, then you'd just be whoring yourself for my friendship, and I can't have that."

"Dammit, Kim, what do you want from me?!" Kerry exploded. "I'm sorry if I didn't respond the way you'd like at first. Maybe I was confused, maybe I wasn't ready...but I'm trying, Kim. Please, you've got to give me another chance."

Kim hugged herself, rubbing her arms against the chill. "Kerry, does this have to be difficult?"

"Listen to me," Kerry said, urgently. "Nobody's ever made me feel the way you do. Not even the man I married. I don't have any experience with women, romantically; I can't say if I want you as a friend, or a lover, or what. I don't even know how to think in those terms." She shrugged, helplessly. "I tried to keep you as a friend because that's something I understand. Anything beyond that is unknown territory to me, and it scares me. Like everyone else, I'm afraid of what I don't know."

Oh, that's flattering, Kim thought. "Okay, then why...?"

Kerry stepped closer. "Because the thought of not being with you at all does worse than scare me, Kim. It...it hurts." She touched Kim's cheek. "I've been hurt so much in my life...I'd rather be scared."

Something in the desperate, yearning quality of Kerry's voice pierced the last of Kim's defenses. What must it have cost Kerry, normally such a contained, reserved woman, to reach out to her like this? What bravery must it have taken? Could Kim be that brave in return?

Kerry's eyes filled with tears as she slipped her arms around Kim's waist and leaned her head on Kim's shoulder. "I love you, Kim," she said, her voice thick. "Please just don't hurt me."

Kim felt her own eyes filling, and her arms encircling Kerry's shoulders. She held the smaller woman close, filling her nose with the scent of her hair, and knew there was no point to arguing further. She was lost, and had been since Kerry sat down opposite her.

"It's cold out here," she said, as steadily as she could. "You want to go back inside?"

Kerry nodded against her chest. "Yes, but not here. Let's go somewhere else. Somewhere we can talk, okay?"

Kim smiled. "Your place or mine?"

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