Private Emotions
Part One
By Ayoe Lang
ayoe.lang@get2net.dk

Rated 17 - Sexual Issues.

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story may not be used, distributed or archived without the permission of the author.

I would like to thank Cathy my editor for giving me time in her busy life and her own writing.

We all know the disclaimers. If not...look at the frontpage of the fanfictions....and...uhmm....don't sue me!!!!

The halls were silent. Only the electricity from the lights made a small noise. I didn't have the slightest idea why Kerry Weaver had called me, asking me to start one night before arranged. My help didn't seem very needed at this moment. The reception area was empty and a short look at the board showed only one case. A patient with a broken wrist. What was this?! I took
off my gloves and shook my head to remove the hair from my face. I glanced around. No sign of anyone anywhere. Oh, well. I couldn't do much else than have a look around, although I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I quickly found the staff-room. No one there, either. I took my coat off and draped it over a chair. Where was everyone? I continued down the halls trying to
locate exam-room 3, where the only patient was supposed to be. I opened the door and saw a man sitting beside the patient with his back turned toward me. "Excuse me" I whispered, "I'm trying to locate a Dr. Weaver?!"

The man turned around, revealing an incredible handsome face. "Oh, uhmmm....I don't know where she went, but she was just here." he said looking a bit surprised.

I noticed a strong accent in his voice. "Oh!" I said looking down the hall. No Weaver in sight though.

"Maybe I can find her for you" he stood up and wiped his hands on a towel. The he stretched out one for me to shake. "I'm Luka and you are?"

I took his hand, which was soft and warm. "Jennifer Jensen, pediatrician. I was supposed to start tomorrow, but Kerry called me to get here now, but I have no idea why."

He looked even more surprised, then he seemed to realize something. "Oh, yes. There was a trauma of five, and we were kind of short on staff. But they were send to another hospital. Maybe she was unable to reach you at that time, huh?" He gave me a big smile.

"So, where is everybody now?" I looked down the hall again wondering.

"Well, why don't we see if we can find them." He gave me another smile and I felt a small tickle in my stomach. He was so handsome, and that smile!!! He turned to his patient and excused himself. When he turned - another smile. I smiled back and gave room for him to walk in front of me. When he passed me he gave out a warm masculine scent mixed with a fatigue smell of cologne. I looked at the patient and smiled and started to feel my cheeks getting hot.

Calm down, geez, what is going on with you? I thought. I had never had any problems being around men. I had just as many male friends as female. I felt like I was 16 and not able to control my body. Why was I suddenly feeling like this? I took a deep breath and followed.

"So, you are here for the job opening?" he looked at me with interest in his eyes.

"Yes. I'm supposed to take over after one of your other doctors left."

He pointed me down another hallway. "I'm only a moonlighter. I couldn't tell you who it was that quit," he said, still smiling. He stopped, glancing around. "Where are they?!" he laughed.

"Now, see. That would have been my question," I laughed back.

He scratched his neck looking a bit lost. "Hehe, guess I'm not a big help."

I winked at him, "Well, now I know what it looks like around here."

"Yes, so you do. Let's go back to the reception area." He put his hand on my back, subtly guiding me, and I followed.

I looked at him, "So, Luka. If you're just a moonlighter, then what are you doing here on a night like this?"

He looked around, because there was still no one at the reception desk. Instead of staying there, we went into the lounge. "There were many patients earlier and I was actually on my way home after doing the cast."

"Oh, I see. Guess there's not much point in me staying either." I picked up my coat. "But, I have to find Dr. Weaver first."

Luka glided his fingers through his hair. "We'll take a look in the cafeteria. Maybe all the boredom made her hungry, huh?!" he laughed.

He opened the door and waited for me to pass by him. I had to walk sideways to get out and when I passed him, slightly stroking my body against his, I stopped for a second. We looked at each other and I could swear I saw a glimpse of desire in his eyes. It made me confused and I panicked and hurried out into the hall. I stood still with my back turned on him - and as I turned around our eyes met again. He was still standing in the doorway giving me a very intense look. Then he came towards me. The thought of me and Luka together in so many ways flashed before my eyes but he just went past me, his hand lightly stroking my arm. It made me shiver.

We walked down the hall towards the cafeteria in silence, but exchanging stolen looks. I couldn't remember ever being so attracted to someone before. And surely not someone I had just met. I moved a bit closer to him and could feel the warmth from his body. Our hands suddenly touched and he moved his hand up my arm and onto my back. He kept it there all the way to the cafeteria and didn't remove it until I stepped in front of him into the large room. I noticed Kerry at a table by the wall and walked up to her. "Dr. Weaver?!" I said.

She looked up from her newspaper. "Jennifer, hi! I tried to call you but I guess you were already on the way"

I smiled at her. "No problem. Luka here gave me the grand tour so it wasn't all for nothing." I looked at him and our eyes met and this time Kerry had to break the connection. We couldn't.

"Good. You can leave whenever you want to. You will be paid for the time, naturally. Why don't we just go back to the old agreement, and you can come back tomorrow evening?"

"Well, today actually", I corrected her with a joking voice.

"Right", she smiled.

"Okay then. I'll be on my way. See you tonight".

We shoke hands and Luka said, "I will leave, too".

Kerry turned to him: "Could you come in tonight too? Mark had to leave, so we could use some help."

"Sure." Luka turned to me and I gave Kerry one last smile before heading to the exit.

As we walked back Luka asked, "Can I give you a ride somewhere?"

My natural answer would have been no, because my car was parked right outside. "Sure. If where you are going is near the lake." I was hoping so much that was where he was going.

"Really?! That's exactly where I'm going"

I giggled and he gave me a curious look. Probably wondering why I was laughing. "Okay, let me get my coat," he said.

He went into the lounge. A minute later he came back while pulling a cap over his head. He looked adorable. With a little grin he pointed toward the exit and we went outside.

In the car we were completely silent. I was thinking about all the things I could do to Luka right there on the backseat. And every time I discreetly look at him he had strange grin on his face. I suddenly realized we had passed my place. How embarrassing. I knew I had to think fast!

"Are you hungry? I'm thinking we could stop by the café right there."

"Sounds nice. I could eat something".

He looked at me with a dirty look in his eyes. It was dirty. No doubt. Was he really thinking the same things I was? I gave him a short look. "Then let's find out if there is anything desirable on the menu."

He grinned, "I already know what I want."

Oh, my God! He was worse than me. I quickly got out of the car.

We sat at a table in the back corner. While eating we talked a bit about our past. Neither one of us willing to share more than necessary. The conversation was constantly disrupted by our eyes meeting and neither one of us able to continue. He had been married back in Croatia. That was where the accent came from. He was avoiding this subject and I could see hurt in his eyes. I
had never gotten so far as to get married. Two long relationships that had ended with me walking out. I didn't tell him, but the reason was me never being in love with any of the guys. I came from a troubled home and had never experienced love. Maybe this was why I couldn't find it. Searching for what I didn't seem able to find and feel I had had a pretty dangerous love life. One guy after the other. Seldom wearing protection. I looked at Luka and saw an inquiring look on his face mixed with a touch of sadness.

"You have something in your past too, huh?"

I made an insecure laugh and gave him a rapid glance. "I do....let's change subject."

He gave me a soothing look and started talking about a funny patient he had had last week in the ER. We laughed at the story but my mind was elsewhere. After a short time he caught my interests. His continued looks at me, filled with compassion, made me relax. I laughed. He laughed. We had talked for two hours. About everything possible. I was having a great time but was starting to feel sleepy. I had to lie down before tonight. The first day was always tough. Well, the first day had actually been really great, but that didn't really count.

"I have to get home, Luka."

He looked surprised, then glanced down at his watch. "Wow, so do I. Time flies when having fun, huh?" he laughed.

I smiled and nodded. I was definitely having fun.

We went outside. "Where do you live?" he asked.

I pointed down the road. "Just around the corner."

"That's just across from my boat!" He'd told me about the boat but I didn't expect us to be living so close to each other . "Let's just take the car. I like to have it in eyesight."

We drove to his boat and got out. "Let me walk you home," he said with a smile.

"Okay, but I just live across the street."

We walked over and I stopped by the front door. "Guess I'll see you tonight then. I had a great time." He stepped closer.

"Yes, I had a great time too."

I wanted so much for him to kiss me and yet I didn't. I knew we were going to work together from time to time. And if this was just sex like all the other times, I wouldn't enjoy having him around afterwards. We had such a great time and we could be great friends. I would like to settle for that. He must have noticed a scared look in my eyes, because he suddenly said, "Let
us do that again some day."

"I would like that, Luka. You will be pretty hard to avoid now." I nodded toward the boat and he grinned. It wasn't just a funny remark though. My fears said that, too.

He came even closer. Gave me an intense look and then he placed a soft kiss on my cheek. I shivered. I wanted more but I couldn't. He looked me in the eyes and his stare was going inside me, reading me. He stepped even closer. Testing me. I backed up and he followed me, pressing me up against the door. I was so hot and I wanted him so much. But I couldn't, and was torn between wanting to kiss him and pushing him away. I couldn't move. He looked deep into my eyes, then moved his head next to mine and his chin stroked my face. I was having difficulty breathing. I closed my eyes and felt his lips stroking mine. Then his warmth disappeared and I opened my eyes to see him standing there gazing at me. His eyes were dark with desire but, also filled with sadness.

He suddenly smiled: "See you tonight, Jennifer. Do you want to ride with me to the hospital?"

I still couldn't move and though I tried to speak I couldn't make a sound either. Finally I was able to nod.

"I'll meet you by the car at 6.30, yes?"

I nodded very quickly, still trying to get control of my other senses. He turned and walked towards the lake.

I don't know how long I had been standing there, but suddenly a man asked me to move so he could get through the door. I came to my senses, got control over my legs and moved. I realized I was freezing, so once in my apartment, I took off my clothes and went under the covers. Although my body was ice-cold I was burning inside. Burning with desire. I knew I only had a couple of hours until I needed to get ready for work. But I couldn't sleep at all. I was too busy thinking. About Luka. About my past.



I met Luka by his car as agreed. He greeted me with a smile and we were on our way. We didn't speak until we got to the hospital. He wished me good luck on my first day and I went to look for Dr. Weaver.

The night was pretty slow. It wasn't until three before something happened. A shooting victim came in. A 15 year old boy who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Victim of a drive-by shooting. Luka joined me in the trauma room and with very few words to each other we cleaned the boy up for surgery. Even though he had been in bad shape, he was completely stabile in only thirty minutes. It was the first time I had ever worked so well with anyone. Small looks and nods were almost all we had used. When we spoke, it was mostly to the nurse. We took the boy up to surgery together. Still without speaking,
but, the silence was filled with joy.

On the way back in the elevator, Luka finally broke the silence. "That was great!"

I smiled, "I was, wasn't it?!"

He moved behind me and I felt him move even closer. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and when he touched my arm I shivered. His hand moved down and found mine. A small kiss was gently placed on my neck and I closed my eyes and exhaled.

"Luka, please. I can't"

"You can't or you wont?" he asked, pushing his body even closer to mine.

"I ....can't - won't. Does it matter?"

"It matters to me," he said, kissing my neck one more time. I was breathing fast. I wanted to turn around and give him the kiss I longed so much to give him. But my mind said no, be careful. You know how it's going to end. He was breathing fast, too. The elevator stopped. I stood for a second then quickly went out into the hallway of the emergency room. I turn around to see Luka still standing inside. He smiled, his eyes looking deep into my own. My legs shook. He pushed a button and the elevator doors closed.

I stood there for a short time, but, then saw Kerry coming toward me. "How's your first night going?" she asked.

"Fine," I smiled back at her.

"Carol told me about you and Luka's performance on the shooting victim. She was quite amazed.

"We work really well together."

"I guess so. You should work more together then." she smiled. There was something in her eyes. Did she know? How could she?

I gave a quick smile and nodded. "Guess so"

Kerry went on her way and I went back to the reception to see if there were any new cases. The rest of night was pretty slow. A girl with a broken arm and a frightened mother who was only being paranoid. When my shift was over I went to the staff room. Luka was already there. I froze in the door for a second then went inside the room.

"So, how was your fist night?" he asked.

"Slow," I said.

He smiled. "Lucky. Best with a slow night to start on." I nodded. "So, don't you want a ride home?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I wanted to be with him, but at the same time my mind felt more like taking my car - still standing outside.

"Then let's go," He stood up and walked over to the door.

"Just a sec." I opened my locker and took out my coat. Then we went outside.



The air was cold and I shivered. Luka put his hand on my back and we walked over to his car. His arm around me made me feel safe, but also frustrated. I knew why he did it, and it was not just to be nice. He wanted more than that. And I was not able to give it to him. He opened the car door for me, being a real gentleman, and I went into the freezing car. "Man, it's cold in
here."

He smiled. "It will be hot soon enough." I knew exactly what he meant.

He pulled over by a pub. "Want to get a drink?"

I panicked....how could I control myself in his presence for so long.? "Uhmm...I don't know."

"Are you doing something early tomorrow?"

"No, but..."

"Then let's go," he said and opened his door.

Guess I didn't have anything to say in this matter. I got out and we went into the pub. We talked just as much as the night before. I felt like I could tell him everything, but I didn't want to scare him away by telling him about my past. I had been lucky not to catch a disease. I had been tested the first 10 times last year. I had been regretting all I had done, and I don't know if it was because I couldn't believe I hadn't become infected or if it was because I hoped I could be punished by relishing that I had been.

But I was clean.

After the first two hours talking something I feared happened. Luka went to get more to drink and when he got back he sat beside me. Before that he had been sitting across from me. Now I could feel his leg against mine. I looked at him and he gave me that intense look that already had made me scared many times. A look of desire, passion and understanding. He stroked my chin and I exhaled. I was lost to this man. I knew that now. But I also knew I was going to be lost after a short time with him. I simply wasn't able to love. No man had ever understood me completely enough for me to feel totally connected to him. And, after a short time together with a man, I always realized I was just as alone as before I met him. So the love I thought had been there went away. And so did I. Leaving without warning.

He look at me and continued to stroke my chin. "What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Private thoughts." I looked down. I couldn't deal with his look right now. It felt like he would understand, but how could he? No one ever had.

"Am I in them?"

I was shocked. "I...uhm...you."

He smiled and placed a finger over my lips. Then he kissed me. It was a soft and careful kiss. "Am I in them now?"

I backed away from him. "Luka, you are all that has been in my thoughts the last two days. I just can't do this. I will hurt you and get hurt myself. I always do" My eyes were sad and I felt them filling with tears. I took a very deep breath to make them disappear. Then I looked at him.

"Why would you hurt me?" he asked.

"I'm not interested in a one-night-stand. I've had my share of that. And I can't get involved with you"

"Why?"

I cast my eyes down. "Because, I would never love you" I looked at him expecting him to look surprised or hurt. But only compassion was there.

"I felt the same way only one year ago. I never thought I was able to love again. Back in Croatia my wife got killed. She was the only person I had ever loved in my whole life. Besides our children. But they were killed, too. After that, my feelings were gone. I was with many women, but I never loved them. I had given up when I met someone. I am not sure if I should tell you
this. But I met a man and he made me feel love again. But I wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with another man. Even though I loved him very much. So I left. But I knew I was able to love then."

His eyes looked sad. He obviously never forgot this man and he still loved him. "When I met you, I was very attracted to you. Maybe it was because I knew your thoughts. I felt a strong connection to you. The strongest ever."

I couldn't deny I had felt something like that, too. That was why I felt I could tell him everything. Something inside me knew he had been there, too. "I felt it too, Luka," I whispered. "But, still...I can't do this right now. Maybe you will be the first to understand me, but then you can also understand why."

He nodded. "Just know that I won't give up and I will be there whenever you need me. I feel connected to you, Jennifer. I can't let that go."

"I better be on my way home," I said. I stood up and started to put on my coat.

"I will drive you"

"You really don't have to, Luka. It's not far."

"I want to", he said.

We drove to the boat and he got out. Not used to the service, I got out when he was half way around the car to open my door. He stopped and smiled.

"Oh, sorry" I said feeling a bit embarrassed.

He shrugged, "No problem"

"When will I see you again?" I said without thinking. What was I doing! The best thing was not seeing him ever again. He wanted so much to be with me and I knew I would end up hurting him. I couldn't do that.

"You weren't doing anything tomorrow?" he asked.

"I, uh, nothing really."

He came closer. "Then why don't we say tomorrow?" He reached out for me. I froze, then gave him my hand and he pulled my closer. Really close.

"Okay" I stuttered.

He looked straight into my eyes. Then he leaned his face towards mine. He closed his eyes and so did I. We stood like that for a shot time. Then he backed away. "I can be at your place by seven?"

I was breathing very fast. "Okay, that sounds fine"

He nodded, then turned and went to the boat. On board he turned and smiled, with eyes filled with emotions. Then he went inside. I went back to my place. Damn, my car was still at the hospital where I had left it the day before. I really had to pick it up the tomorrow.


End Of Part One



Ayoe
ayoe.lang@get2net.dk
Golden Kingdom - http://goldenkingdomofer.cjb.net