(set just after the disastrous dinner in 'A Walk in the Woods'
by Céindreadh
ceindreadh@eircom.net
The taxi pulled away, leaving Kim behind on the pavement. She was stunned by Kerry's words. But she was also asking herself just how she could have gotten things so wrong. She was a psychiatrist for Christ's sake...she was supposed to be good at dealing with people...gauging their response to a given situation and helping them work through it. How had she been so wrong about Kerry? Oh she knew that Kerry had been edgy about meeting other lesbians...but she had thought that meeting Kate and Christy would break the ice a little. After all, they were all successful, professional women who happened to be gay. Kim had hoped that by meeting them, it would show Kerry that she didn't have to be afraid of what would happen if she came out. And now it had all gone horribly wrong.
Kim paced up and down the pavement. This whole dinner had been a mistake from the beginning. She should never have sprung it upon Kerry so suddenly. She should have arranged it in advance...given her a little more warning...instead she had maneuvered her into a corner and left her with no way to get out of it. And Christy and Kate...she had warned them about Kerry...explained that she wasn't quite 'out' yet...that she needed to be treated gently...but oh no, they had to go on and on...and Christy coming out with the comment about everyone sleeping with her...oh God, that had been the worst thought Kim.
A patient of hers had once told her that there was no way in hell she'd ever let her boyfriend meet any of her exes. "Guys don't like the idea that you've got someone else to compare them to...they like to feel that no matter how crappy they are in bed, they're still the best you've ever had...and meeting up with someone who've been with before...well, they just start freaking out inside about whether they're gonna measure up...if you know what I mean." Bearing in mind that the girl had been admitted to Psych after going for one her boyfriend's exes with a butcher knife, Kim hadn't exactly taken her opinions as gospel...but now she was wishing she'd asked the girl if there was any way to ease the meeting of exes.
It wasn't that she was embarrassed about her past...hell, compared to a lot of women she knew - gay or straight - she was relatively inexperienced...but for Kerry to have to find out that she was dining with her lover's exes...that had to hurt.
Kim kicked idly at a stone on the pavement. What to do now, she wondered...should she go after Kerry? Follow her to her house? Give her a few days to cool down and then get in touch with her?
"Kim?" came a soft voice from behind her.
Kim jumped and turned around to see a familiar face. "Kerry?" she asked, hardly able to believe it. "Oh god, Kerry...I...I'm so sorry...I didn't know that they'd behave like that...well, I mean, I *did* know...I just thought they'd take it easy on you...meeting you for the first time...I never meant to hurt you..."
"But you did," said Kerry, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You just sat there and let them go on and on...and you didn't stop them..."
"Kerry..."
"They sat there and went on and on...they as much as said that all men are fools and that any woman who marries one is an even bigger fool...unless of course she does it for money and power...God only knows what they'd say about me...who actually loved my husband...do you have any idea how much it hurt to hear them saying all those things...do you?"
Kim shook her head, "No...I...I didn't realize...I should have stopped them...told them not to exclude you..."
"But I don't want to be included...if they're the typical representatives of the gay population, I don't want to be part of it...I don't want to find myself at that table in ten years time insulting all the men I've ever had feelings for...I loved my husband, Kim...I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone...when he died...a part of me died as well...I don't ever want to be part of a group that says I was a fool for loving him...no matter how much I care about you...I can't do it..."
"I'm not asking you to," said Kim, softly as she reached out for Kerry, half afraid that she'd pull away.
Kerry allowed herself to be pulled into Kim's arms...it felt good to have someone's arms around her. Her natural wariness of public affection was overruled by her need for comfort and understanding. "I'm not like them," she said, her voice choked with tears. "And I can't pretend to be like them...I know you want me to fit in...to become like them...but I can't do it...I've been on the outside for most of my life...doing my best to fit in...trying to become what people expected of me...and I can't do it..."
"I'm not trying to make you into something you're not," said Kim, tears rising in her eyes mirroring those in Kerry's. "I didn't ask you out so that I could mould you into one of them...I wanted you...Kerry Weaver...and I'm so sorry for the way my friends treated you...for the way I treated you...I should have told them when they'd gone too far...I should have stopped them *before* they went too far...I just wanted my friends...the people I care about...I wanted them to be friends with each other...I shouldn't have pushed you into this dinner...I shouldn't have forced you into meeting them...not now...not so soon..."
Kerry pulled slightly away from Kim and wiped her eyes. "I shouldn't have just walked out like that," she said, sniffling slightly before producing a tissue and blowing her nose. "I should have stood my ground and defended myself...and my life..."
"No you shouldn't have," said Kim. "Why the hell should you...it's your life...just...just because you made different choices than they...than we did...you shouldn't have to justify them to us...shit, that's what the gay community has been fighting for all along...the right to life our lives in the way we choose, without other people telling us we're wrong. Oh God, Kerry...can you forgive me for making such a total mess of things?"
Kerry produced another tissue from her bag and gave it to Kim. "Blow your nose and I'll think about it," she said, trying to smile.
Kim smiled wanly and did as ordered.
Kerry continued in a more serious tone, "I shouldn't have walked out on your friends...it was rude of me...even if they were a pair of..." she stopped abruptly.
"Bitches?" said Kim. "No...they went too far...they're not usually that bad," she paused, "Actually they are usually that bad...I should never have thrown you in at the deep end like that...but I thought you'd get on well...you have a lot in common."
"You mean apart from our taste in women?" asked Kerry dryly. "Sorry...I didn't mean that."
"No...no, I deserved that." Kim sighed. "But I honestly thought that you'd enjoy each other's company."
Kerry gently rubbed Kim's arm. "Maybe another time," she said softly. "I...I'm still getting used to all this...if someone had told me six months ago that I'd be sleeping with another woman...I'd have called in a Psych consult for them."
Kim smiled as Kerry continued. "What we have...I don't know where it's going...but all I know is that I haven't felt this way about anyone for such a long time...I don't want to lose this relationship because of a stupid argument...I don't want to fall out with you over your friends...I don't want to lose you Kim."
"You won't," said Kim softly as she pulled Kerry back into her arms. "You won't."
The End