Previously on ER
Dave was attacked on his way home from work. Recovering in the hospital, he started suffering from nightmares. A visit to Nina Pomerantz seemed to help, but Dave's sister, Chris wasn't so sure, so she asked Luka to speak to him. Meanwhile Elizabeth told Dave that he could go home.
Dave looked up at Luka, an unspoken question in his eyes. Luka nodded.
"Tell me what is troubling you Dave," said Luka gently. "And I promise I will do all I can to help you."
"I'm scared," said Dave in a whisper.
"What are you scared of?" Dave was silent. "Dave?" prompted Luka. "I cannot help you, if you do not tell me what is wrong."
"I shouldn't have let it happen," said Dave finally. "It's all my fault this happened."
"You are not to blame for what happened. The men who attacked you, they are to blame."
"It's my own fault," said Dave, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have gone to that ATM in the first place. I should have given them the wallet when they asked for it, then they wouldn't have hurt me."
"You don't know that," said Luka, trying to reassure him.
"I always thought that if I ever got attacked, that I'd be able to defend myself," said Dave, his voice cracking slightly. "I mean I work out, I was on the boxing team in college. I should have been able to take those guys... but I couldn't."
"There were two of them."
"I still should have been able to get away, but.... but all I could do was beg them not to hurt me. But they kept on hitting me, and kicking me. I tried to get away... I did try, Luka, but they just kept kicking... and all I could do was lie there and take it." Dave looked away from Luka, not wishing to see the expression on his face. "I'm a coward," he said, as the tears rolled down his cheeks. "Everyone thinks I was brave to try and stand up to those guys, when all I did was beg them to stop."
The touch of Luka's hand on his made Dave look up. "You did the one thing that anyone could do in that situation," said Luka softly. Dave looked at him with a question in his eyes. "You survived. You did what was necessary to survive a dangerous situation, and I, and all of your friends in County are glad that you did."
Dave bit his lip, "If I did the right thing, then why do I still have nightmares about it? Why do I see their faces every time I close my eyes? When will it stop?"
"It will take time," said Luka, with the voice of experience. "But the more you talk to people about it, the easier it will be. The less power the memories will have over you."
"Yeah, just tell people, 'hi my name is Dave and I'm a big coward'. How easy is that gonna be?"
"You are not a coward, Dave," said Luka, firmly. "You did what you thought was necessary."
"Wasn't really thinking much, except that I didn't want them to kill me," muttered Dave.
"Then you acted on instinct. It does not matter. What matters is that you are here now. They tried to hurt you, possibly even to kill you, but they did not succeed. You were strong enough to survive the physical effects, and I know you are strong enough to survive the psychological effects. It will not be easy, but you will have me and Chris, and all your friends and colleagues to help you."
"How do you know this?" asked Dave. He wanted to believe Luka's words. He wanted to believe that things would get better, but he remained unconvinced.
Luka was silent for a moment, considering whether his story would benefit Dave or not. Finally he spoke. "Once, a long time ago, I was working in a hospital in Croatia. There had been a series of bombings and we were treating the casualties. A soldier came to the hospital with his platoon. He ordered us to start treating his men who had minor injuries. I refused. I told him that his men could wait until the more serious victims had been seen to. He drew his gun and said that he would shoot me if I did not obey."
"So he threatened you, and you backed down?" said Dave, unable to see the relevance of Luka's story.
Luka shook his head. "I did not back down. You see this was after.... after my family had been taken from me. A part of me was hoping that the soldier would pull the trigger. It was that, as much as my medical training, that made me defy his orders, and I think the soldier realized that."
"So what happened?"
"He smiled at me. Then he put the gun away and called over two of his men. He told them to beat me until I agreed to treat his men."
Dave was shocked, not only at the story, but at Luka's calmness in telling it. The guy might have been reading a shopping list for all the emotion he was showing.
"Anyway, I thought that while a bullet would have been faster, the end result would be the same. But it was not.... I managed to control myself until they broke my leg. That was when I started to scream. I begged the soldier to call off his men. I promised that I would treat whoever he wanted me to treat. I would have promised him anything in order to stop the pain. Eventually, he decided that I had suffered enough and he ordered them to stop. Of course by then, I was the most serious patient to be treated. So you see Dave, I know what it is like to be forced to beg for your life. I know what it is like to wake up in a cold sweat, reliving the moment again and again. My friends thought that I was a hero for standing up to him. I alone knew the truth. Perhaps if I had been able to share that truth with others, then my nightmares would not have affected me for so long afterwards."
"Do you... do you still have nightmares?" asked Dave, hesitantly.
Luka shrugged, "Occasionally, usually if I am particularly stressed. They will probably never go away completely, but I live with them. And you will too."
"I don't know," said Dave, quietly. "I just wish there was some pill or something I could take to stop them happening. I hate going to sleep and knowing that I'm going to wake up screaming."
"I wish there was an easy solution," said Luka. "But it will take time. I will do whatever it takes to help."
"Would you stay with me a little while? I... I don't want to go asleep just yet."
"I will stay as long as you need me," promised Luka. "We will get you through this, I promise."
Dave smiled, suddenly feeling better than he had for days.