Mark looked arrogantly at his patient. "I have decided that I am going to withhold treatment from you," he said carefully. "You are a worthless creature, who has terrorized innocents for long enough...you do not deserve to be treated by such an amazingly wonderful doctor as myself...I judge you unworthy of my remarkable skills."
The patient pulled the head off his 'Barney' outfit, "Look dude," he said, "All I wanted was an aspirin for a headache."
Carter and Jing-Mei, treating the civilian who shot Fossen.
"And guns are really dangerous," said Carter. "You should see the amounts of injuries we get in here from them and...and...and you really did a brave thing...I wish more people like you carried guns..."
"Nice try Carter," said Maggie Doyle as she walked by, "But I'm still not going out with you."
"Oh come on," moaned Carter. "I haven't had a date in..." (he quickly counts on his fingers) "Four episodes...I'm overdue..."
"How many times do I have to tell you...I'm gay."
"Would you date me if I had a sex change?"
Doug and Carol rush up to the church door in the pouring rain.
"I thought we were never going to make it," says Carol. "This weather is terrible."
They make their way into the church and stare open-mouthed at the empty pews.
"This *is* the right church?" asks Carol, looking around her in confusion.
"Let me check," says Doug as he pulls out the invitation. He looks at it...goes pale...and tries to put it away.
"Let me see," orders Carol. He reluctantly hands it over. "Oh," says Carol coldly. "I see...we appear to have the right church...but we're a week late...YOU IDIOT!" (She thumps Doug with her bouquet)
Elizabeth walks into her house with Ella under one arm. "Mark...I'm home," she calls out as she juggles keys, groceries and a baby. "Mmm, that smells nice," she says, walking into the kitchen. "But I thought I was going to cook today."
Mark pulls a covered tray out of the oven. "I know...but I got the heads up from Malucci that Kerry was going to call in the 'competency testers' for me again...he said I should try 'cooking the books'...so I did..."
Mark lifts the lid on the baking tray. "I'm doing War and Peace Flambé, with a side of Dickens. Hungry?"
"What's Malucci doing?" asked Carter as he dumped a load of charts on the admit desk.
"Shh," said Randi. "He's trying to get the bank to loan him the cash for a car."
"Oh yeah?" said Carter. "What's he going for...Porsche or BMW?"
Randi snickered. "Based on what I've overheard, I think the choice has been narrowed down to roller blades or skateboard."
Abby was in the ambulance bay smoking a cigarette when Chuny called her name.
"Hey Abby...you know you asked Carter and Dr. Kovac to wait in the lounge while you decided which one of them you wanted to date?"
"Yeah," said Abby, taking a deep puff of her cigarette. "I mean how do you decide between two good-looking doctors, both hopelessly in love with me...I mean, on the one hand Carter's loaded...but then he does have that drug problem...plus he keeps bumming cigarettes off me. On the other hand, Luka can be a misery guts at times...but he's soooo hot..."
"Well, I don't think you need to worry about it any more...cause I went into the lounge to get a coffee and the two of them were doing something NC-17 rated to each other on the couch...and I don't mean swearing."
"I can't believe that bitch maced me," groaned Dave as he tried to see through watery eyes.
"Hold still," said Yosh as he tried to irrigate Dave's eyes. "You're making me get saline all over your scrub top...it's soaking."
Dave shrugged, "Hang on a minute...I'll change it." He pulled off the scrub top, revealing all his glorious muscles.
There was a thud as Yosh swooned.
"Um...Yosh?" called Dave staring blindly around the room. "You can finish irrigating my eyes now...Yosh?"
"This is so unfair," wailed Carter. "I've been working towards Chief Residents position ever since I heard Deb was apply...err, ever since I started working here...and now you won't let me apply. It's because of my drug addiction...isn't it? Why can't you people see past it...I'm clean...I'm almost finished my probation."
"Actually the reason you can't apply for it is because if you got the position you'd be smirking permanently, and I can't stand the thought of that," said Kerry.
"Come on Dave," said Carter, holding out the lab coat. "You can't go around in your vest all day."
"Yeah man," said Malik. "Half the nurses have already fainted...and we're short staffed as it is."
Dave reluctantly pulled on the lab coat. "I feel weird like this," he complained.
"You'll get used to it," declared Carter, pushing Dave towards the admit desk. "Now go see some patients...Dr. Dave."
Carter and Malik 'high-fived' each other as Dave walked away in his brand new lab coat...pure white...except for the words 'I am gay' written on the back.
Author's notes
Thanks to Christy V for giving me the 'cooking the books' idea.