Title: Summer Script Conference
Author: Ellen Hursh
Keywords: Ensemble; satire; random snarling on the part of the author;
mild language
Disclaimer: ER and all its characters belong to Warner Bros.  No
infringement of their copyright is intended.  This story was written for
the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your
own pleasure.
Last episode seen: "Rampage"
Timeline: Summer 2000
Summary: The "ER" cast consults with a network executive and the
writers, to go over the events of the coming season (that is, last
season - unlucky number 7).
Spoilers: Through "Rampage". Kinda.
Author's Notes: Written on the spur of the moment. Ya don't like it?
Tough. :-)


"Okay, everybody. Thanks for making it to the script conference on
time."

"Well, we remembered that Lucy was late to the conference *last* summer,
and look what happened to *her*." Mark's sarcastic comment was echoed in
the fervent nods from the others.

"Um, okay. Very good." The network executive shuffled some papers, and
there was an awkward silence in the room for a few moments.

"So... what do you have in mind for us?" Kerry spoke first; she'd been
lobbying to get a Significant Other for the last few years ("A man! A
woman! A *kangaroo*, for god's sake, I just wanna be the one to get LAID
on a regular basis for a change!")

"Well, we did want to talk to *you* first." The tiny redhead leaned
forward expectantly in her seat. "We *do* have a pretty major plot in
mind for you, which involves sex--" Kerry's eyes slid along the table,
and rested lustfully on the tall man with greying black hair who was
paying more attention to doodling on his notepad (a closer inspection
would have revealed that he had written "Zhelim Jebati Nensi Brlek!" in
big puffy letters, then drawn in a little cartoon of the young woman)
than he was to the conference. Surely, Kerry thought, their scenes
together last season had to have been significant!

"You mean...?" she asked hopefully, her face now turned towards the
network executive but her peripheral vision still taking in Luka. Mm-hm!

"That's right! You lucky girl... you get to explore the other side of
the fence!" Kerry stared back blankly. "Play for the other team? Wear
comfortable shoes? Uh... follow the yellow brick road? Attend flower
shows?" The network executive groaned and smacked his forehead, then
decided to be blunt. "We wanna make you a lesbian this season!" Kerry's
eyes became huge, and she began making noises like a teapot about to
boil. Carter and Chuny, whose chairs flanked hers, quietly moved away
from her a little bit, just in case she began to throw things: she
didn't always have great aim.

"You-- you-- WHAT?!? What happened to presenting a positive image for
disabled people, by showing me in a happy relationship with one of the
*hunky* leading *men*?!? You PROMISED me!" Carter, who was on the side
of Kerry closer to the network executive, prepared to duck - he could
see that she had her crutch poised to hurl like a javelin, straight at
the executive's heart-- well, *chest*, anyway.

"Hey, look... you *do* want to get laid this season, don't you? C'mon,
Kerry. It's the blonde, or another twenty-two episodes of celibacy."
Kerry quietly contemplated the thought of yet another season of going
home to her scotch and her "eight minute boyfriend" ('C' batteries not
included), then nodded slowly and reluctantly. "Terrific! Naturally,
we'll expect you to talk up the storyline in the relevant places - the
alternative newspapers, Planet Out, Rosie O'Donnell, that kind of
thing."

"Naturally. You son of a bitch," Kerry muttered irritably, as the
network executive passed a note to the writers that said "See? I told
you I could get her to agree to it... pay up!"

"Now... as for you, Abby." The young brunette sat up and smiled
expectantly.

"You're going to pair me off with Kerry this season?"

"Oh, ho ho! Heavens no, my dear! No, we have *bigger* things in mind for
*you*." Kerry rolled her eyes, and leaned over to whisper to Chuny.

"Bet they're going to try to push her as the new 'lead female', now that
Carol's gone." Chuny snickered in agreement; as much as she'd objected
to the Latina character in Kerry's novel, she didn't usually have much
more than the role of "sex-crazy nurse-with-an-accent".

"What we have in mind for you, Abby, is a huge season-long extravaganza.
We wanna push you as the new lead female, now that Carol has gone."
Kerry threw Chuny a disgusted "what did I tell you?" look. "We'll take
care of the med student problem that we had with Lucy in previous
seasons by having you kicked out of med school--"

"What?!? You're kicking me out of med school? Come ON! I worked damned
hard to get where I am today - I even saved up money from when I worked
at that crappy news radio station, in addition to my nurse's salary and
student loans!"

"Now, now, Abby," the producer tried to cajole, "the advantage to your
no longer being a med student, and going back to nursing, is that you'll
be able to enjoy, without worrying about conflicts, a relationship with
Luka, while you also canoodle with Carter."

Luka looked up from his notepad, a look of horror on his face. "Excuse
me, but did you just say that... that... I will be sleeping with *HER*
this coming season?"

"Uh... yep." Luka mimed putting a gun to his temple and pulling the
trigger. "Don't worry. You won't have that many scenes together."

"Wait... if she's to be my girlfriend, shouldn't we have scenes
together, where we do, uh, girlfriend-boyfriendy things?" The network
executive smirked at the writers.

"Don't worry about it, Luka. Most of the 'girlfriend-boyfriendy' type
scenes will be between Abby and Carter, except for one entirely
gratuitous scene of you and Abby knockin' boots." Luka stared back
blankly. "Doin' the nasty? Making the beast with two backs? Conducting
'The Rites of Bedspring'?" He shook his head. "I swear, you're all thick
as a brick around here. Anyhow, you only have to kiss her once or twice
this season, and that's it." He smiled at Luka's sigh of relief... the
guy would find out, soon enough, what all would be required of him for
this plotline.

"Anyhow," the network executive said, turning his attention back to
Abby, "we're going to bring in your mother for a total of six episodes -
and if that works out well, we'll bring in Carter's parents *next*
season. Just think of it, Abby - you'll get your chance to play opposite
one of the finest overactors in history!"

"Oh, god. *Not*--?" She paled, as the network executive nodded. "Christ.
I wonder if I have time to pack, and get a flight to Anywhere Other Than
Here."

Benton had been watching events with a smug little smile on his face,
but the smile faded when the network executive got to *his* plot for
this coming season. "Now. You, Peter Benton, will be dealing with the
issue of positive role models for young Neg-- er, bla-- er,
African-Americans in television. You will be persecuted by Dr Romano--"
Malucci looked around, and realized that Romano was absent from the
conference.

"Um, excuse me... but where's Romano? Shouldn't you be, like, writing
his death scene about now?" The network executive chuckled at Malucci's
naivete.

"Romano doesn't count. Don't try to understand it, just accept it.
Anyhow, as I was saying, Romano will persecute you, and then your nephew
will be killed. Then you will-- or rather, you and Cleo will take in
your nephew's girlfriend, in an attempt to help her."

"ExCUSE me?" Cleo half rose from her chair, glowering at the network
executive, but sat back down at his imperious gesture.

"AS I was saying, then your nephew's girlfriend comes on to you... and
then later your ex-girlfriend - the mother of your son - comes on to
you, as well." Benton's smirk returned at that news, but quickly
disappeared when he saw the ominous way Cleo's eyebrow had risen. "Then
your ex-girlfriend's husband will punch you." Now it was Cleo's turn to
smirk, but only for a moment. "At the end of the season, Cleo will be
exposed to HIV-positive blood, and be left at the end of the season with
a cliffhanger of 'does she or doesn't she have AIDS?'." Benton raised
his hand at this.

"Wait a minute. Didn't I already *have* this plot? 'Girlfriend exposed
to HIV'? Season 2?" The network executive chuckled at Benton's naivete.

"Yes, but this is a completely *different* scenario." He caught the
stubborn look on Benton's face, and frowned. "Don't try to understand
it, just accept it."

"What about me?," Luka suddenly said. "Do I get to do anything this
season, other than be a useless appendage for yet ANOTHER nurse?"

"What? Oh, Luka. Sorry, I forgot you were in the room."

"Well, we know *he's* not gay," Kerry whispered to Chuny, nodding in the
direction of the network executive, and Chuny hastily smothered another
snicker in her hand.

"Let's see..... A plot... a plot..."

"Yes. My kingdom for a plot," Luka muttered in disgust.

"Oh! Yes. *You* will have a four-episode arc with a bishop with lupus,
in which he will lead you back to your faith." Carter looked at the
network executive in confusion.

"Um, excuse me, but isn't lupus usually a women's dise--" Luka glared at
Carter.

"Shut up! Do you want to jeopardize my only *interesting* plotline for
this season?"

"All righty... Chen. Uh... say, you're looking a little, um, bigger than
you did in 'May Day'. Been super-sizing the Kung Pao Chicken?"

"No, I got *pregnant*," Chen snarled. "Remember Frank? That is, the
*fine* young man you brought in as a temporary lust object for me, not
the DeskNazi brought in at the last minute last season... heaven
forbid!"

"Whoa! Pregnant? Honey, I think you just slept your way into a
storyline! Great, we'll show you about three or four minutes a week,
then you can give birth, give up the kid, and disappear for a few months
on maternity leave."

"Ohhhh, *fantastic*. What were you *originally* planning for me - to
lock me in a room in the basement with Malucci?" The resident in
question perked up, and grinned goofily at Chen.

"Hey, I can *totally* get behind *that* idea," Malucci told her, leering
and letting his gaze slip down to Chen's breasts and tummy as she glared
at him. "So how 'bout me? Do *I* get a plot at all?"

"Hm... let's see... Malucci... Malucci.... No, not really. Nothing
outside of the standard 'comic relief' pratfall throwaways and
occasional hints that you'd been abused as a child. Other than that,
your sole purpose will be to hit on women and get shot down in a
spectacularly messy and humiliating fashion."

"Now, let's see... Mark, as the official Magnet Of Bad Things, *you*
will be getting a brain tumor. And at the same time that you're dealing
with your tumor, Elizabeth will be dealing with a malpractice lawsuit
*and* finding out about her pregnancy. It'll--" Mark raised his hand
suddenly.

"Wait a minute. A tumor?" The network executive looked annoyed at having
been interrupted - the expression on his face was very much like that of
a cat who'd gotten a whiff of a spilled bottle of citronella.

"Yeah. A glioblastoma multiforme."

"But those are *fatal*," Mark whined, "and I still have another season
left!"

"I know *that*!" the network executive retorted. Actually, he hadn't...
but he wasn't about to admit that. "You'll undergo surgery performed by
Dr Deus X Machina, to remove the tumor."

"Um, what about me?" Carter's question was timid - not surprising, given
the plots that had been doled out so far.

"Well, due to your general cuteness you will be unable to do any
wrong... no matter *what* you do. Whether you manipulate people, lie to
them, steal a patient's Vicodin, be rude to patients, show chronic
disregard for authority, break protocol at every turn, you will *still*
get laid and have women falling at your feet." The network executive
wasn't aware that he'd reached up and touched the toupee that imitated
the hair he'd had for *real* twenty years ago.

"Not to mention that he'll get an actual plot," Malucci muttered sourly
to Cleo, who leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"At least you're not here solely to fill the position of Black
Girlfriend. Man, sometimes I feel like I got beat down and got my gun
took!" Cleo frowned in confusion at the words that had come out of her
mouth, and shook her head. "Where'd *that* come from?"

"Too much caffeine, Cleo," Dave whispered back playfully.

"So, unless there are any questions, we'll call this year's script
conference finished?" There were no questions, but several people were
staring daggers at the network executive and the writers. "Great! Okay,
then. Time for everybody to get to it... we'll see you back here next
summer!"

Everybody got up, and began to file out of the room; suddenly, Kerry
shrieked and charged at the network executive. Carter pulled her away,
though, leaving plenty of time for the network executive and the writers
to escape, and she turned on him. "Why'd you do that?"

"You heard him. I can't do anything wrong! I *like* this setup, Kerry!"

"Ass kisser," she snarled at him, as they headed back to work.

--
Ellen K. Hursh
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair.
Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and
all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually
deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility
and unfairness of the universe." --Marcus Cole
* * *
"Fly, fat-ass, fly!" --Jay Phat Buds