TITLE: Tired

AUTHOR: Ellen Hursh

RATING: PG-13

KEYWORDS: Luka; angst (but I repeat myself); state-of-mind vignette; songfic

LAST EPISODE SEEN: "Rescue Me"

TIMELINE: February 14, 2001

ARCHIVE: If you must.

DISCLAIMER: ER and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure.

SONG: "I'm So Tired". Written by John Lennon/Paul McCartney, performed by The Beatles, available on the white album.

SUMMARY: Just a very quiet Valentine's Day evening at "Chez Kovac"....

SPOILERS: No.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, Miesque, I guess I *did* have more than one of 'em in me... there, ya happy? :-)

I'm so tired.

Kerry's on tonight. I guess I don't really blame her for not trusting me to be in charge, tonight of all nights, considering what happened this time last year. Why hasn't she fired me yet? God knows I deserve it, for being such a screw-up.

The vial's still unopened. It has been, ever since I borrowed it from the drug lockup in September. I've had trouble sleeping lately, though, so I may need to open it tonight..

Carol told me once about her attempted suicide, on the day, last year, that I helped her pick out a used car (incompetently, as it turned out). I'm sure she was simply trying to show me that she had some understanding of what I've been through, and I appreciated the thought, even as I winced at how close parts of her story cut to my own experiences. I didn't realize, then, that I had paid such close attention when she told me what she did.

I turned on the radio, to a station that plays "classic rock". Normally it's my favorite - or it used to be. The song's one from their White Album - I never before realized how much I like it, with John Lennon singing to someone, a woman perhaps, sounding so lonely... like a man at the end of his road.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink

I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink

I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink

No, no, no.

A drink. Or rather, *another* drink. *Yes*, that's a good idea, I think. The manager thinks I'm still seeing Abby, and told me to "take it easy" tonight and tomorrow, and he winked at me. *And* I have two days off from the hospital. A man could get very spoiled, with the luxury of free time. It has a white, child-resistant cap on it.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do

I'm so tired my mind is set on you

I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

Call Abby? No. We were a mistake from the beginning, and I should never have allowed it to go on as long as I did - thank God she went back to being a student when she did. Should I talk to *somebody* tonight? Maybe, but who wants to talk to *me*? There is a shiny foil seal.

You'd say I'm putting you on

But it's no joke, it's doing me harm

You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain

You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane

You know I'd give you everything I've got

for a little peace of mind

Peace... how long has it been since I've been at peace? Too damned long. But I *could* sleep, very peacefully, couldn't I? My sleep could be as soft as the plug of cotton in my hands, couldn't it?

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset

Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette

And curse Sir Walter Raleigh

He was such a stupid git.